Posted by
newcomerhk
19 yrs ago
Here's the story - I am dating a separated guy with kids. My parents dont approve of it because to them I still look like a mistress. Plus he has kids and they worry about me and how I will be able to cope with the situation. They do not tell me directly but I know they want me to let him go. What should I do?
I met his kids a few months ago, we got along fine, but we have several arguments on how he always prioritises the wants of his kids even if it changes our plans/activities. According to him, it is only because he rarely see them (once in three months) and he needs to give them his attention. We have plans on moving to the US where the kids are but Im scared that that will always be the situation, and I dont know how I will handle it.
I guess my confusions are: Should I follow my parents advise? How will I know if I can handle living/being married to a guy who has kids plus who has an ex wife who he talks to once every week (to talk about kids, money, so on)?
I think it will be better for me to let him go, wait for a new one without any baggage, but I am not sure how to cope if I break up wit him? We have so many plans already on living together and getting married.
confused
Please support our advertisers:
If he is any kind of a decent human being, his kids will ALWAYS be a priority. You will have to live with it. No matter how "fair" he is about his time, you will always feel that you got the short end of it. Vice versa, his kids will always feel like he spends more time with you.
The only resolution is that if you can love his kids and view the time that you spend together (you, him, and the kids) as "quality" time. Otherwise it will always have some degree on conflict and you.
Just remember, if he can abandon his kids, he can abandon you twice as fast.
Please support our advertisers:
Pumpkin: problem is, how do you know he's THE ONE? can you really tell?
Scutdog1: thanks for the advise. I do agree with the what you said and I actually I admire him for that. I don't expect him to be any less. And I agree that I will feel Im always at the short end and maybe come to terms with it in the future. Think this is what I am confused of. Because of our plans moving (meaning I have to give up a lot especially being single), Im scared of making the wrong decision. Go the US and then regret and not be happy there. How can I be sure of my decision?
Please support our advertisers:
i guess i need to decide on whether i will continue this relationship with him or not which will make it easier for me to decide too on whether i follow what my parents want.
Please support our advertisers:
Newcomerhk - forgive me for saying this but you sound rather naive and perhaps not best equipped to be in a realtionship with this man, let alone his kids. Surely a group of strangers cannot decide your fate for you. The only person who knows how you feel about this man is you and it sounds as if you are having grave doubts.
I would sit down and discuss this with him
Please support our advertisers:
The relationship he has with his kids is very admirable since the perception is most men dont make the time to spend with them..especially after a divorce.
A perception of one's past is a good predictor of one's future! If he is willing to put his kids first since he had them well before you shows he is committed to being a good father and wants the best for his kids. You should be a little more sensitive and respect this bond. Think if you were the ex and those were your kids? Would you want him to forget about them and give priority to the gf?
You have to understand what you're getting yourself into with the "luggage" he's carrying. If you thought you would be number one in his life over his kids, you were mistaken then.
Please support our advertisers:
Don't you know by now - your parents will always be right - doesn't matter how old you are - they are always older and know more than you do and seen lots more. They are thinking of you and your future - get out now.
Please support our advertisers:
tia
19 yrs ago
Dating a man with kids is HARD. I did it for 2 years and those kids WILL always be #1, #2, #3 and #4. You have to accept that. Talking to the ex wife, no matter how nice/horrible she is will also be a part of his life forever because of those kids and their former relationship.
It *is* possible to have a relationship with this man, but it is not a 1 on 1. You are dating all of them and have to adjust accordingly.
If the kids accept you, it will be easier. As Vulvic said, you 2 have to talk about this and get it out in the open. Resentment can build fast.
I wish you luck.
Please support our advertisers:
been there done that..
you are not a spare tire in case of a flat tire, ain't you?
you will never be his number 1, never his number 2 either., you might settle for the number 3 priority..(and not even sure..who knows)..
for these kinds of people, their priorities are:1. kids 2. career( to support the kids 3.you( to pass the time..but at the moments.it looks so real of course.. they are very good at this..)
can you accept that? not to be no.1 but no.3 or 4? plus the ex.wife factor that hangs like a damocles sword every now and then..
plus there is still the remotest possibility, that they will get back together..another damocles sword!
if you are single, young and carefree,and you're not desperate and ugly, your parents are 100% right..you deserved somebody single as you..not these men with loads of baggages..you deserved the best attention in the world..to be no.1
i don't want you to cry a river someday for following your foolish heart...it will just be too much to bear for you..
remember, he is just separated, not divorced..so there is a possibility of getting back together with ex.wife...anyway..even if he is already divorced..not also sure, if he will marry you..but of course..he won't say that for now..coz he is a clever guy...
at the end of the day..it's "lose-lose" situation..
i'm sorry to disapppoint you, but your parents have every right to oppose.
they know better!
Please support our advertisers:
(1) His ex-wife will always be part of your life as long as the children are alive;
(2) If you are unhappy about the treatment you receive now, just wait until after you get married - it will only get worse.
Since (1) is a given and (2) is equally so, I suggest you take a hike, as you will never change him.
Please support our advertisers:
justin credible: definitely not with him as a rebellion against my parents, and yes i like him, but right now, with all these confusions, not sure if I like him/love him enough to give up whatever it is I need to give up.
Vulvic: not asking anyone to decide my fate for me but merely want to get opinions because there may be other aspects that I have not thought of in my decision.
ravengirl and trimkeeper: thanks. exactly my problem. i'm not quite clear on what the facts are right now. i am not sure if i can handle being with him and the situation i will face in the future. I think I can handle it but I am not really faced with the "situation" now, so makes me scared. I'm confused on what and how to understand so I can make my decision, pathetic I know.
dimac4 and lakambini: i understand that my parents are concerned about me. But what i dont understand is how they can think that I am doing something wrong just because he is separated and with kids. Is there anything wrong with that, morally and socially?
Please support our advertisers:
thanks aijin. i can take the risk, go to the US and if it does not work, think that life goes on, but i think i am at the stage where i want to be sure if i am willing to take the risk. im confused on what i should consider , everything i should consider, and know whether my decision will be right.
Please support our advertisers:
NO.... do not take any advice!!. you have decide this on your own. Have a good talk to him heart to heart. Just remember, if you wanna marry him, you need to accept the kids too.
Please support our advertisers:
Being with a man with kids is very hard. Just as other people said before HIS KIDS will always BE THE PRIORITY. No matter how much you love him, make you you will be able to handle it FOREVER. You mention that his kids live abroad and you will move abroad with himto be closer to the kids. That's TOUGH!!! No matter what you will be ALONE with him in a foreigner country. OUCH! You better learn to cope with the situation or you will certainly have a very sad future. Good Luck, you'll need it.
Please support our advertisers:
new jersey: exactly my problem. I am unsure right now whether i can handle "it" forever. I know its tough, i want to believe i can handle it but i really don't know if i am already in that situation. Im scared of deciding that yes i can handle it no matter what because if i cant, then i might regret that decision (considering I will go against my parents wishes). How does one really know if you can handle it or not?
Justin Credulous: Thanks for your insights. What you have mentioned is what he has been telling me, that they are friends, and he and his exwife need to have a good relationship for the kids. But yes, I get jealous about it and find it hard to understand. I want to but I dont know how to. Yes, sometimes I also think "yukk, I am dating a man with kids". Am I that stupid?
Please support our advertisers:
Justing Credoulous: Hope you did not missed your lunchbreak. Your comments are really appreciated.
I know, whether separated, divorced or what have you, they have the right to date/love and be loved again. Maybe I'm selfish or think too much of myself, but sometimes I think, what is wrong with me to fall in love with a man with kids. why cant i just fall in love with a single guy (which is more acceptable in the society and by my parents specially). Yes, i am willing to give it even 200% i know should i decide to stay with him, dillemma is should i or should i not.
How do you really make a decision knowing about uncertainties in the future? I know I have to take the risk. But before I do that, I really want to be sure. That is really my main problem. Decision, decision, decision. Is he really worth it? I know a lot of people will say, I am the only who can answer this question - but how does one know if HE is really the one?
Please support our advertisers:
rouge: i have been dating him for a while and am happy with him. Only thing is its probably because its just him and me for now, with no kids around. Which will probably change when we go to the US. As for dating around, I think it will be unfair to him if I date around and at the same time see him. And Im sure he will not agree for us to stop our relationship first so I can date around. Also, reason for me being in my dillemma right now is the pressure of deciding since we plan to move to the US in a few months time. I dont want to tell him one month before going that, hey, i cannot come. I changed my mind. Bit unfair.
justin credoulous: i really admire your courage in facing life / challenges in life with the way you're giving advice. I wish i can be more like you. Take the risk come what may. and yes, you're probably right, me and my insecurities. and yes, it probably has something to do with my culture/values/and people around me. Too scared to hurt them, give them worries and them be embarrased on this situation I got myself into.
Please support our advertisers:
Jcredoulous: I really think my dillemma is that he's separated (not yet divorced) with kids which affects my decision on whether I will move or not given his situation. I've been with him for about a year now.
i understand where my parents are coming from too. They just dont want me to get hurt. But its a problem for me too coz I have not disappointed them before (I think) and I dont know if I can.
keimochi: maybe a little case of cold feet but I think its more of wanting to be sure that hes worth it.
Please support our advertisers:
wow, what a story, really complicated.
Please support our advertisers:
Have you asked him whether he's planning to get a divorce?
Please support our advertisers:
yes i have. he told me he will process it when he's back at the US. which makes me even more confused on making a decision.
Please support our advertisers:
nande
18 yrs ago
Don't worry the divorce will be easier to process in the US but it will be complicated and you will have to support him through it all... good luck with all x
Please support our advertisers:
Please support our advertisers:
nande
18 yrs ago
You're welcome and how's the decision making going? I still think you are brave enough to go it alone and give it a go rather than wonder what may have been if you say no... or words to that effect.
Please support our advertisers:
still confused and thinking what's best for me, for my family and my bf. i think still a long way before i reach a decision.
Please support our advertisers:
nande
18 yrs ago
Good luck and do air your concerns, hopes, fears et all with all involved and affected. Tis after all good to talk. Again best of luck x
Please support our advertisers:
You must be logged in to be able to reply.
Login now
Copy Link
Facebook
Gmail
Mail