I NEED UR HONEST ADVICE

hi there, i'm a foreigner who has been living in china for over 10 years, i'm married to a chinese and we have been together for 8 years, i have loved her from the very first day uptil now, we are blessed with two kids, a boy and a girl, i had to move to her hometown and discovered her parents are rich but lack education, for over 5 years we have been controled by the father, he uses financial favors to control our married life, until this spring i decided i couldn't take it anymore,i refuse favors and disagree with things that they do concerning our children, all of a suden my wife sued me to court for a devorce, i was shocked, she asked me to make a choice of loving her and her parents or being without her, i was shocked. i love her especially after she has given me two kids but this choice is hard because i just can't make it, please advice me on what to do, i have a feeling that if i do go to court even though i do not agree for a devorce my love for her will fade suddenly. what do u advice me to do, please send a details advice via my e-mail address(maymac5@yahoo.com) thanks

first of all, if your wife just sued you for a divorce by only how you behaved lately, that's pretty odd. Love sometimes changes as time goes by-- have you tried to talk to your wife about your relationship? You still love her a lot by the sound of it, but are you sure she also feels the same to you? Did anything go wrong between you two or the family issue just came in as a fuse? Getting divorce is a lot more complicated when children are involved. Seeing parents being apart is never easy for kids. Does your wife really wanna see this happen if she somehow still remains any love for the family?


Chinese families remain a certain traditional customs which are nothing like "communist-robot thing". Perhaps sometimes is difficult for westerns to understand. But it's true that we do belong to the family and please try to understand. Parents, at some point, are the most important people to chinese. There are culture difference in a cross-culture marriage. Try to have your wife to explain the culture and custom of your own country to your in laws-- it took me years to get this sorted out.

dadda, i think some guys think this way, but women, esp. those who already became a mother, would not think husband and kid isn't family compare to parents.

My marriage is somewhat similar to yours (I married into a local HK family) but my situation is not as extreme in the sense that we haven't mentioned the word "divorce" yet. I hope it won't get to that but at this stage, I do not know. It may in a few years time.


Here's what I think happened. For 10 years, your inlaws were controlling your family. You in turn would have expressed that you didn't like that (which is what I've been doing as well for 7 years).


You may have only expressed it to your wife before and she felt caught in the middle but now it is out in the open. You couldn't bottle it up anymore (which is also where I'm at). So the complaints over the years may have put a damper on the relationship and with the voicing out, it was the final straw - too much for her to bear and she wants out.


I don't understand it either. I don't understand why my husband allows his mother to control our lives. I have not been happy in the 7 years I've been in Hong Kong as a result of it. He has not mentioned divorce but I have thought about leaving Hong Kong with our little girl. I do know that he feels caught in the middle and I do know that he is very unhappy as well. What makes it worse for the both of us is that I do not love him freely because deep down I am angry.


Hoyo, I disagree that we should put up with it because we have to get used to the chinese culture. I feel that by marrying someone outside the culture, they too should get used to ours. It doesn't matter which country we are in (his or mine), the fact is we have to respect each other's culture.


For me, at this stage, I try to avoid his family as much as I can and it helps. He's agreed to it. I still have to see them daily to pick our daughter up from them but I don't say much. I just smile, pick her up and then leave. However, there are days when I know that nothing is going to change and wonder if this is all worth it.


And like you, I usually get blamed by my other half, his parents are NEVER wrong.


At this stage, we are learning to compromise. Meaning I see his parents less and he acknowledges that his mother's words can hurt. Maybe you could work something out too. I don't know how long this arrangement will work but we'll see. Good luck anyway and sorry I'm not much help.