Posted by
Dorris
18 yrs ago
Okay I was in HK but now im back in Britain and since Xmas been seeing a british bloke.
At first we agreed that it was casual and we were both free to see other people....we didnt though.
Its now 5 months on and im falling for this guy, as much as i try not to because it seems that it could be to me detriment as he keeps telling me that he 'is cold inside'.
I know this sounds strange and believe me when we are together there is nothing cold about us..we cant sit together without touching and the sex life is fantastic. But the problem comes when i try to get a grip or where we are and where we are going in terms of the big L word.
For instance, last week i sent him a text thanking him for his kinds words the night before and telling him he was a special friend whom i loved dearly but who failed to appreciate the quality of our relationship...he responded with 'im not special and i dont appreciate the quality of anything anymore!' Now sh*t that doesnt sound good...and trust me the guy works and is not depressed though admittedly a tad low on life.
Having received that text my warning lights once again flashed continuously and i wonder whether im setting myself up for some more hurt...
im enjoying every moment we have together right now....but is this just to set me up so i get stung big time again?
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hi Dorris - you already know the answer to your own question. please don't be one of those women who don't listen to themselves - your intuition is flashing those warning lights. you knew the ground rules from day one but now you're falling for him emotionally, even as he keeps telling you he is "cold inside". just because he hasn't dated other people simply means he's getting all the sex he needs from you, but is not interested in pursuing a deeper relationship with anyone...including you. i'm sorry to sound discouraging, because you seem to want something more meaningful with this guy, but you should continue only if you are truly capable of emotional detachment.
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blaze
18 yrs ago
"Cold inside" means to be emotionally unavailable. Next time you choose a f*ck buddy, and you want to keep your options open to something more meaningful down the line, choose one who is emotionally stable and open. If he's still unable to consider you as someone special after 5 months, it's best to just cut your loses now and move on.
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Stay clear from this guy.. He is SOOOO NOT ready for a relationship, if that's what you are looking for...
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lulu
18 yrs ago
hi dorris, sorry to hear that. We women easily fall in love and most of the time we try to hold back but failed to do so.
That is why i do not even want to start going out with anyone cos that is too much hassle. Men are unexpected animal, sometime you might think of 100 reasons and spend milion years to think about his behaviour but actually there might be nothing, he did not any hidden agenda and we just simply waste our time to analyse and cry out loud.
I think the most important thing is to love yourself, take it easy. you cannot expect too much from a relationship anymore nowadays.
Recently i had a date with one guy and think "may be a bit of good prospect", then he call me again the next day but i was busy at the time he called, so i just make it short but then i hardly hear from him, not sure why. I used to think "am i doing anything wrong?" or " was i rude to talk short on the phone? ' but now i dun bother, people have choices, people might get busy, so i think the best now for you is to keep yourself busy and move on. 5 months is not a long time and at least you have some great sex! :) sometime some men cannot even give great sex!:)))
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He keeps telling you he is cold inside--how clear do you still want him to be? Being physically touchy and having a fantastic sex life for 5 months do not guarantee a long term, fulfilling relationship.
If you can you enjoy the moment without added expectations of getting into a long-term relationship, i.e. one that also involves emotional connection, then by all means, stay.
Otherwise, if your intuition is already telling you that he is not, and refuses to be a keeper, then don't waste your time and his.
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He is hurting.
Maybe there's something bad in his past he's guilty about.
If u stay with him and give him your love, perhaps u can help him heal.
Perhaps not.
It seems to me that it's worth the risk.
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blaze
18 yrs ago
Look, I've been there too- all cold inside, unable to feel excited about anyone, unable to fall in love, all because my heart was broken. I was a jerk and I hurt a few people. I really regreted that. Would the love of a man have helped me to heal? Sorry the answer is a big NO. Because I wasn't open to the possibility. The thought of love just brought on more feelings of fear, hopelessness and negativity- and made me push the guys away further. Just like what Dorris' guy did when he replied her sms with the words "I'm not special".
You can't help a person to heal. The person has to do it himself. Sometimes all it takes is some time on his own (as was my case). But there are also people who never get over this. Just stay far far away. And learn how to recognise guys who are sorted and "emotionally ready" the next time.
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hear, hear, blaze - well said. there is a lot of insight in what you wrote.
emotionally ready people have healthy doses of self-esteem - they do love themselves (in a good way) - and thus are able to give love to someone else. they don't say things like "i'm not special" and "i'm cold inside".
nuovavita, i don't think women have to be passive - on the contrary i think dorris just needs to open her eyes, listen to herself and move on from this guy who is not available to her in the way she wants. we're "good enough" for the sort of guys we believe we deserve....
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Blaze--
I disagree about not being able to help a person heal, and that he has to do it himself. Yes he has to be the one to have the initiative to rise from his own slump. But IF HE WANTS TO, he can get positive energy not only from people around him, but from his environment (nature, pets, etc) as well.
However, I would like to think that you are pertaining to this particular case (and your own expereince as well), and you mean that Dorris cannot help him if he is not open to receiving positive reinforcement.. I agree, he has to first want it for himself.
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blaze
18 yrs ago
Yes I don't think Doris' man is open to "help" right now. She's done all she can by being patient and sticking around for 5 months. If it hasn't made any difference so far, it is unlikely to if she continues.
I'd disagree that one person can help another to heal emotionally though. Have been on both sides of the fence and have not seen that happen so far. Like a physical wound, it's something that takes time, and doesn't speed up because you pay it more attention. This would just be a point we'd have to agree to disgaree on.
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I'm fine with agreeing to disagree :) cheers Blaze
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Okay a bit more clarification and detail is now in order to show my gratitued to you all for your wise words.
In the first instance we met and yes we agreed it should be casual. Neither of us wanted to go with others...therefore f*ck buddies is not perhaps apt cos we have always done 'quality things together'. From the start he has said he will hurt me and that he is cold inside and i have taken that on board as part BS and part truth. I guess for me i feel that sometimes we say this so when we do F.U further down the line we can tell the partner that they were in fact warned ....lol
Someone mentioned that he has been hurt....and so have I...badly ....therefore when he throws this crap at me once again i think ...yeh whatever...havent we all! I say i want more but im sure if it was a guy running after me and begging for more attention then i would run a mile.
Its a strange one folks ...but from your words i can see now that its not only his problem its also mine.
I am actually happy with things. He's loyal and fantastic to be around and im sure i have just been thinking too much about the future rather than just enjoying the present.
Thank you for your kind words ...you have alll made me think..one thing is very clear and thats the fact that he does not want to lose me. Everytime i back away he calls...x x
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Dorris,
If u plan to enjoy ur present moment by not worrying about where it will take u to, u go for it, but just be prepared for the worst... however, my advice: u can't give it too much credit just because this guy likes to spending time w/ u, remember, guys might not know wat they really want sometimes, but they definitely know wat they don't want...
Just be cautious and protect urself well in case of any futher or deeper hurt...
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keeps tell u he is cold inside is a palpable signal that he doesn't want you for serious relationship
ahh sorry for being harsh
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my dear, when a man says such things to you, you better believe that he is telling the truth and walk away. Let him straighten things up for himself before he comes to you. And usually they will come back, believe me.
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Well its now 9 months since i met this guy and I was right. Everything he does is to protect himself and Yes he is very afraid of commitment and finds it very hard to show real feelings in terms of using words to express them. This man is a great communictor but when it comes to love is afraid of expressing it and then loosing it. In various drunken states i have received comments such as 'the hardest thing for me was telling her i didnt love her anymore...how bad was I' !
Our relationship is still fantastic and i love being with this man but we still have lots of work to do. He is worth my best shot though as he's sexy, funny, intelligent, fantastic in bed and an all round good catch (lol)
I have done the 'not interested thing' and even went on hols with a girlfriend. Its strange though with this guy i cant keep away and i dont want to play any games....i dont want to make out he isnt important to me because he is and I dont care that he isnt down on one knee and telling me how much he loves me. he shows love and tenderness but is unable to express it ...he is afraid to guarantee something that comes with none. Maybe he'll get over this ....maybe he wont..... who knows !!! xx
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