is he my past or is he my future???

OV, i am so sorry to read about your situation. you are clearly very much in love with this man, but now you are in a long distance situation with no certainty of being together under the condition you want (marriage), and meantime he is not giving you the emotional security you want.


my two cents' worth: he is your past, not your future.


one of your questions was: should you forgive him for getting back together with his ex while you two were apart? i'm not going to get into the technical definition of cheating (i.e. whether or not it was cheating, all that matters is that you felt cheated emotionally as well as physically). IF you two were engaged to be married, with a set date in hand, i would say yes, forgive him and move on. but...you're not - in fact, you're in limbo.


as for "making him hate [his ex]" - don't even go there, there is nothing you can do about that, and it's not for you to moralize about his "ruining the other guy's family". that's his problem and his burden.


i'm so sorry to write what you probably don't want to read but i think your relationship was unnecessarily complicated from the beginning - he asked you to marry him in the first place to make up for something his family had done to you, rather than as a natural progression of love.


as for your bf himself...growing fruit trees does not indicate he is ready for fatherhood, it just means he'll have a fine orchard some day! i don't mean to be facetious, just giving you an outsider's opinion of his actions. and actions speak louder than words: he knows you feel insecure about that nutty ex of his, yet he has not completely severed her from his life. i don't necessarily agree that he should change his number - that's like admitting defeat to a stalker, not to mention a gigantic administrative hassle and inconvenience - but he could write her or call her, with you present, and tell her in no uncertain terms it is over and to stop contacting him.


btw, i find his "confession" of the whole affair with the ex to be somewhat immature. if it really truly meant nothing to him, then frankly he should not have mentioned it to you at all, and carried the burden himself. (yes, i am one of those people who think the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, is overrated.)


most importantly, he knows what you desire for a happy and secure future together: marriage, then children. but he has not actually embraced those desires and made them his own.


i think you should be very clear with him as to what you want, and ask him if and when it will ever happen. yes you are right, there are no perfect love stories, but there ARE good ones, and hopefully he will step up and you two will end up in one.


BUT give yourself a deadline - say, 3 months from now? - and if you do not have an engagement and a wedding date and a moving date (to his home) in hand by then...please move on.

I agree. I think you should back off and let him sort himself out and realise what he wants. Tell him thats what you're doing. If he wants to be with you, he will come and get you. If not, then you will have to move on.

It wouldn't have changed anything even if your boyfriend were to get a new number. He can just give that to the new woman.


Now why is he keeping her around? Perhaps you've just gotten back together and your relationship has so far been unstable, with several breaks in the last 8 years. He might be unsure how long this would last and is keeping his options open.


This could also be the reason why he's uncertain about marriage. Are there unresolved issues like his family? Or other things you keep arguing about? Or is he just unsure that you're The One? I suggest you look into this and have a heart-to-heart talk with him. If nothing changes within 3-6 months, it's time to just go. It's been 8 years and it hasn't worked, there's no need to try anymore or drag it out.

WEll, I guess you turn to this website , probably because most of your friends just tell you all the positive things, trying to perk you up... I agree what voiceofreason said... YEs, 8 years together is a long time of being with someone... But sometimes, love is not what you think love is anymore... Sometimes, what you think is love is acually just a habit of having this person around....With all these messy history together, you guys need a fresh start... I don't mean you should just breakup.. I mean you should both try to put all the baggages behind and try again..like blaze said, give it a try for few months, if it doesn't work, just move on...


Don't always put him in a higher priority instead of yourself... Sometimes. we all have to beselfish....If you try to lower your standard/criterion just to acommadate his now, and you are not as happy as you want to be later, there bond to be a lot resentment ....


Make him hate the other woman?! Forget it!!! So not worth it !!! It would just make you seem like this insecure needy CHILD!!! He can only see it if he wants to see the truth... I mean, you hate this woman simply because she's the competition and has different moral standard to yours(married , fooling around with other men etc..) To hate someone, is a very energy consuming thing... SO FORGET ABOUT THAT... all I want to say is, good luck... And 33 is still young!! Don't put too much pressure on yourself..

OV, hate to break this to you... YES, you may never have kids of your own!!! I am not being cynical here, but more like prepare for the worst.... I am like you, love kids and all that... I am a bit older than you and also not anything near being married....But I came to realize that.... So what?! Even you got married ,that does not guarantee you will have kids.. So many married couples I know have fertility problems....My advice is, just prepare for the worst possibility and then if you get married and have babies, then , it's great.. what is meant to be will happen eventually.... Life is not easy, but don't make it more difficult for yourself!!!

now that you have elaborated a bit more on your situation, your guy is definitely your past.


Nemesis and greenisle are absolutely right in everything they wrote.


perhaps this article will help you to start looking forward:


http://news.independent.co.uk/uk/this_britain/article549445.ece


you do have many options, including adoption, if you want to become a mother.

OV, I'm afraid you're putting the cart before the horse. You say you've fallen out of love with your boyfriend, feel resentful he's self-centred etc. Your relationship is also unstable, your boyfriend does not want to marry, and you can't stay in his country because you'd be an alien. Having a child won't suddenly change everything. You'd continue to feel the same way you do, the relationship would continue to be dysfunctional... but just with an additional burden of a child, which you might not be able to support on your own if you can't get a visa and find a job. And should you split with the boyfriend, and it's unlikely that you could since things are exactly humming along, how would you survive?


Forget about having a child. You need to get your basics right first or you'd just end up further down the road of misery.

OV, just to clarify my earlier post: i did NOT mean to suggest you become a mother with your boyfriend! he is your PAST, and should have no part in your future.

Rititt - or should I call you Tit - not the most supportive post on this thread!


OV, I'm afraid he is your past. I know you are hurt and it feels as if you can't start over. Trust me, you can. You are still so young!!


Chin up.

Ok maybe a better way to put it would be, if you think you don't have any options at 33, you'd have even less at 34 or 35. You clearly won't get what you want from this guy. It's better to move on now than later. Remember, whenever a door closes, another will always opens.

OV you may think that you are in love and that he loves you but guess waht, HE DOES NOT. The fact that he cheated on you is good enough to show you that. Another sign is that he would not change his phone # and as someone said before he would probably give this girl the new number. You say he does get her e-mails. If he was not into her he would block her e-mails or even change his e-mail accopunt has he, will he? of course you accept he has always been SELFISH. HE IS and HE WON'T CHANGE. I was married to sonmeone exactly like him and he was full of it. Too selfish to see anywhere further than his nose. Get over him, he is a worthless piece of it. Believe it or not if you make the right choice you may still have the chance to find someone who loves other than himself. Don't even bother to see him again, I know I would not. You have already WASTED enough time of your life. I apologise for being so straight forward but BEEN TEHRE, DONE THAT. I did learn though that it is good to be free of misery. That is all you will alway have if you don't make a move

Good luck

OV I did forget, you say SHE WON, you are wrong, YOU did. She will probably go over what you are going through in a few years. Bad does not call good. That relationship won't. Best wishes

Perhaps the best thing to do now is to build up a new life and open yourself up to more options- pick up new hobbies, call up old friends/colleagues, join a gym, sign up for online dating... whatever it is that gets you out there, keeps you busy and allows you to meet new people. When you're surrounded by friends and dates, you'll see he's just an option and not even the best one. So when you do see him again, you'd realise you don't need him anymore. Be strong OV and good luck!