Posted by
unreal
18 yrs ago
Married for 10 years, been bad for 4. Started thinking about divorce for the past 3 yrs. Hard decision with a kid. Almost moved out 1.5 years ago. Husband surprised and said that he didn't know I was that unhappy. Said he didn't want a divorce. So stayed. Things have gotten so much worse. Had lots of talks but at the end of the day we are just too too different to understand how the person feels or thinks.
Bottom line: I want and will leave him for good. He still believes that I never will and he DOESN't want a divorce even though life is miserable for him as well.
I am having a hard time understanding his thinking and behavior. 1. Besides the convenience of having a home and the kid, are there men like this who want to live a miserable life? 2. Are people that stupid to believe that no matter what happens, their wives will never leave them? He thinks I am just crying wolf. I might have said the word divorce too many times, but how hard is it to understand that even if it is crying wolf, the wolf eventually comes... Plus for someone who totally doesn't want a divorce, wouldn't he try to do things to make sure that it doesn't happen? I know it is hard. But I would think that if you want something bad, you'd somehow try hard to get it.
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shaq
18 yrs ago
Yup to both questions ... and, from the way you've described your hubby, it seems he's one of them.
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What exactly has hubby done for things to get this bad.
It sounds as if you have made your mind up to leave. What is stopping you??
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yes, there are people like this (and not only men). i know, because i was married to one.
he wanted to stay together at all costs simply because for him, divorce was worse than any misery we'd have to endure being together, and he didn't want to lose our child. (long story but my ex-husband came from a very broken and complicated home, and he did not want himself or our child to suffer as he did after his parents' extremely acrimonious divorce.) i have to say that i did admire his commitment to our marriage, and i had to reassure him, constantly and on many fronts, that our divorce did not have to follow his parents' template, or indeed anyone else's.
you have already decided to leave him - fine. but there's no need to be cruel. a little compassion for him from this point onward will make your post-divorce relationship - because i hope you realize that you WILL have one, as parents, until you die - easier.
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"Plus for someone who totally doesn't want a divorce, wouldn't he try to do things to make sure that it doesn't happen? I know it is hard. But I would think that if you want something bad, you'd somehow try hard to get it."
i think what you mean is, why doesn't he try to do the things YOU want him to do, to make you want to stay in the marriage.
maybe you aren't communicating what you want from him, in a way that he is receptive to. and sometimes even if we do want something very badly, we simply do not know how to go about getting it - not without a lot of help, guidance and communication.
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Actually I would agree with Elvish Raven Girl. The post seems totally devoid of emotion for your partner and for your child - perhaps this is your way of coping. Does seem quite a 'masculine' portrait of things.
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Unreal, what do you want exactly? Do you know? If you really want to leave him, may I suggest that you both have a trial seperation first to understand if this is what you really want and what he might want. I can understand why your husband thinks that you may be crying wolf. I'm a woman too. Sometimes when times don't work out the way I want it to, I'm tempted to walk away because i want things to work out my way. But then, I have to understand what about his way. And what about the marriage? What is a marriage then? If the word divorce is loosely used, why then even bother to get married in the first place and have a kid? I'm not here to judge anyone, but before deciding to walk away, have you thought of seeking marital counselling and trying to work things out before throwing in the towel? Have a deep think about it.
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voicefreson: Yes. I want him to do things my way (not unreasonable of course). Believe me, we have "communicated" enough. He is not a communicative person to begin with. His attitude is: I know what you want. I am not giving them to you as I know you will just keep bitching. It is a long story and too complicated to explain here. The bottom line is that he does not believe I will leave him, therefore, he is NOT going to do anything.
suniefaith: tried everything, nothing is working. BTW, this is a situation where there are just too many differences to be worked out and a lot of it is cultual. Even if he is willing to change his behaviour, he will never change his way of thinking and his views on life and things in general and I won't live with something who looks at me and thinks: "I really don't like you." even if it's all happy on the surface.
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Kek
18 yrs ago
Well,if that's the case,if you have your own means take a first step.
Go on a suprise (or at v.short notice) break/holiday for a few weeks with your child and find out if and how much he changes after being home alone for a while.
Next step separation.
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unreal, like what Kek said. If this is what you really want, then get into gear. Don't just say it. Take a short holiday alone and if things don't work out, then have a separation before a divorce. Not that I don't believe in divorce and that i strongly advocate staying in a marriage. I don't believe in staying in a loveless marriage. If you both have tried everything and if all else fails, then it's time to take actions.
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Kek
18 yrs ago
Unreal has had a bad time for 4 years.Talked about leaving for about 2.Now resorting to here.
Looks like She's exhausted most avenues.
It's not going to turn into- skipping hand-in hand, through a meadow of wild flowers,now, is it????
A child thrives in a romantic loving relationship.Not what you have.
If you continue doing the same thing you are going to be miserable, like a cancer eating away at you.
ACTION
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JUB
18 yrs ago
Well,from what I read from your post - seem like you're the one who think there's a problem but he doesn't...He doesn't want to leave U. Maybe everything happened because of you..that you wasn't fulfilled or can be anything... Why not be honest & tell him exactly what you want from him. You think that he should know but the truth is he doesn't know what you think & also you don't really know what he think as well! Good luck&hope that you'r happy!
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Unreal I know exaclty what you are going through. I was trapped in a marriage like that because my ex refused to give me the divorce. I do tell you. Things do get worse as horrible as it sounds they do. Sooner or later, if he is like the b-----d I married he will leave and you will be able to process the divorce without him in the map. Talk to a lawyer and be prepared. Things do not last forever. Do make sure though that you have nmot wasted your time as I did waiting. Good luck
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I reckon just in books. Once you have wasted years being a dreamer you learn the lesson the hard way. Love dies and so does hope.
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mlkh
18 yrs ago
Being from a family where the mother has stayed in the marriage for myself and my sister (a little different situation - she was uneducated and had no idea how to make it on her own), I would strongly agree with JustinCredible in that kids don't need unhappy parents living together.
For a long time I resented my mother for not leaving putting up with my dad's sh*t (he was cheating - again, different situation).
Ok. I believe what I'm trying to say is LEAVE FOR THE CHILD. Growing up in a hositle household (supposedly their haven) will do a lot worse to them than being loved by two happy parents (seperated, divorced or whatever).
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Lola, I wasted 3 years trying to save my marriage and it did not work. It takes 2 for a tango if men are too happy having fun with women who have no problem knowing that they are married which was the case of my ex. then why bother. Life is one and we must do whatever is at our hands to enjoy it. My ex was Mr. SELFISH. Therefore, I ended up thinking about MY SON and I. What would happen if he got AIDS, some men are so stupid not to think that just maybe the women they are sleeping with does so with every single foreigner they meet. Consequences are you may catch something you did not bargain for.
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Yes. I am leaving him. Looking for a place to live right now. My daughter is 7. Many of the posts above are absolutely right. My husband told a friend of mine that he can live like "this". Just like New Jersey's ex, mine is very selfish also. I finally realized that to fundamentally change a person is impossible in particular when the person thinks he has no problems. Lucky I have a good job and make more than sufficient amount to live a good life.
BTW, this is not at all a "grass is greener" elsewhere situation. As a matter of fact, no major issues. There is just nothing left.
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