I feel like getting a divorce

Hi, I really need someone to advice me. I have been married for almost 6 years, and frankly speaking the first 3 years of our marriage, really happy. Till he got posted to China about 3 years ago, by that time, our relationship still ok, then I followed him and also moved to China about 2 years ago. Then my nightmare began.


We quarreled every 3 days, almost the same problem, he is too busy till like no time to even look at me and my 3 years old boy. I am an auditor before, but after i moved to China, I become a full time housewife. I really find that my husband only loved his job. And if he got time, he will meet his friend. I know that he is very busy, Itried to understand that he is the only one working now, but I don understand, how come he never feel guilty, he doesnot have enough time to accompany his wife and kid. Is every man like that? Every time I asked him this question, he will say I don understand him. I don know I can take it for how long more, if not for my boy, I really feel like going back to my country and getting a divorce, because I feel that he doesnot need a family, he is not suitable to have a family, he is too selfish, he can just married to his career and friend. Anybody can give me an advice, please.....

Ida Lee, sorry to hear of your situation, which is very similar to what mine and my ex-husband's was years ago.


we were together less than four years, and most of that time we were in counseling (that's to his credit, not mine, although ironically i believe it sped up my decision). my ex-husband was a workaholic, and we came from polar opposite emotional backgrounds.


i guess my advice to you is, if you do decide on a divorce, be prepared. right now you are very emotional, you're angry and hurt, wondering why he doesn't love you enough to want to spend more time with you and your son. as incredible as it may sound, it probably has very little to do with you - he might simply be incapable to showing you the love you need in the way you need it. you two probably have very different blueprints of family life.


go through counseling or couples therapy if you feel you will be able to get through to him - otherwise, do your divorce properly, i.e. be as civil and objective as possible, separate your conflict between yourself and your husband from your unity as parents, and don't screw each other over in court. prepare to re-enter the working world, and make sure you have a support system in place (family, friends). never use your child as a weapon or bargaining chip, and never badmouth his father to him. think very long-term, i.e. how do you want your son to turn out as a man, and what does he need to turn out that way (answer: parents who, despite being divorced, are happy people who love him). focus on the future.


always listen to your lawyer, fully disclose everything, but always be the one to make the final decision in any matter. never forget that your lawyer works for you, not the other way around.


again, right now you are probably not thinking clearly about the consequences of your actions. if you are serious about getting a divorce, force yourself to go through the mental exercise of how you will implement such a decision.


above all, even though it may feel impossible at the moment, be compassionate and dispassionate at the same time. it will have far-reaching effects on your life, your husband's and most importantly your son's.

Try counselling first...Don't jump into a divorce just like that. Always take time out to ponder.

Ida, I have been where you are now. Refused to even consider a divorce for my son's sake but after wasted years I got to the realization that he was not worth it. Think carefully, going to the process is extremely stressfull, painfull and hard. Take your time to consider the consequences. Feel free to privately contact me. Best wishes and hang on.

Thank u for all your advice, think of it, I think I am not ready to be a single parent. I will try to think of all other way to improve my relationship with my husband, I will try not to think of divorce.

I will try to look for a job, I think I am not really happy to be a housewife.

hi Ida Lee - good choice and best of luck. in your case, it seems as if your troubles coincided with you quitting your job and moving to China. i'm sure if you start working again you will regain the balance in your life. your son will be happier too, if you (and your husband!) are happy.

Good advice above.


Agree that getting a job or doing some charity work will help.


Have a g/f that doesn't work and basically spends her ay waiting for hubby to come home. This can put a lot of stress on any relationship. That said, there is a limit to how much time hubby spends with work and friends and frankly family should always come first.


I say,get yourself a job and then reasses the situation in a few months once you are more 'occupied'.