Divorce?

My husband and I have been married for close to three years and we have a 2 year old son. I got pregnant on our honeymoon and our son was born with a few issues which meant a serious surgery at birth and a difficult couple of years. My husband travels extensively for his job, and this has meant that I have had to manage all of this more of less on my own. For financial reasons (and my own sanity) I went back to work, and have been fortunate enough to have family support to manage work and looking after our child in my husbands' absence. My husband seems to have had a hard time dealing with being married and almost instantly becoming a father. He wasn't there for me or our son during the most difficult times - most of the time having his mother fill in for his duties. He readily admits to this. But our son is two now and I've reached my limit of being married in name only and having to manage everything as a single mom. My husband is a very self centered person, and as long as his needs are taken care of, he will then extend himself to everyone else including his wife and son. He has moved to HK for his job, but my son and I cannot join him because of our son's health issues. This is a decision we both made. The point is that I'm fed up with the constant fighting. We fight all the time, mostly because I'm unhappy with the attention and respect I get from him. And also because I'm having a hard time forgivining him for not being there for us when we needed him the most. He is getting better, but I'm not sure I want to stay in this marriage anymore. I do not trust him anymore - trust him to have my welfare and well as my son's welfare above his own. I can't get over the past issues we've had. With his being so far away, all we have are the phone calls and visits every two months. And all he seems to be concerned about is about himself and what he is doing over there. I'm tired of hearing about his clubbing and hanging out with the any number of friends he has there. I'm tired of him spending most of his pay check on his social life and then blaming me that since I'm not there to stabalize him, his lonely and needs to go out and be with friends. And HK is expensive and that's why he spends so much. I'm tired of the excuses. I'm tired of the life. I'm just tired of this marriage. I feel like I'm dealing with a immature kid and I'm not sure I want to hang around until he grows up and takes responsibility for his wife and child. I'm so fed up with the situation and so angry at him, I really feel that there is no turning back now. He wants to go for counselling - I'm pessimistic. I do not believe in staying for the kids - I think my son will be much happier with a happy mom, instead of having two unhappy parents. Because, despite what my husband says, I cannot believe that he is happy with me. All we ever do is fight when we see each other.


I guess my question is - when do I say enough is enough? When do I say that I have tried but this is a lost cause, and move on?

Dear Gilmore, I am sorry to read about your current situation with your husband. I am in the process of getting a divorce so I speak from experience. I hardest part was letting him go to Hong Kong and then living without the help both physical and emotional from my husband on a daily basis. Since you have already experienced this part of separating- you are half way there to having a new life. Your son barely knows his father and you are not enjoying your marriage- so with all due respect for yourself and your son, leave the marriage.


My last bit of advice-listen to what your instincts are telling you.

Gilmore - so sorry to read about your situation.


blueyes said it all: "you are half way there".


as things stand now, you are barely in a partnership, much less a friendship, much less a marriage. you and your husband lead almost completely separate lives, punctuated by unconstructive, combative communcation.


not that there is ever a good time for a divorce with respect to kids, but there are better times and worse times. if you are really going to go through with your divorce, then in my opinion, the younger the child the better. my son was only 2-1/2 when i finally separated from my ex-husband, and that was even preceded by six months apart while i finished my MBA (my son was with me in the u.s.). thus he has no recollection whatsoever of his parents fighting. (just one less psychological dent to suffer!)


if you want to give your relationship one last try, do go for counseling - although how on earth you will do this as long as he's in hk and you are home, i have no idea. think of it as one last gesture you can make for your marriage, and you never know, it might actually help you, even if you do end up getting divorced. it may clarify your decision for you, as it did for me. (i posted some divorce advice based on my own experience here: http://hongkong.asiaxpat.com/forums/relationships/threads/87142.asp ) it may even set the stage for an amicable, or at least civil, divorce.

Thank you Blueyes and VOR for your encouraging words. I think I will go for counselling even though I believe I have made up my mind about getting a divorce. As you said VOR, it may help me sort out through some of the pain and anger I'm feeling. The only thing is that I didn't want to hurt anyone. Even him despite everything that has happened. I guess there is never an easy way to do this. But I will take your advise VOR and make sure that I try and keep matters as civil as possible and ensure that my son's welfare is taken care of.

He's 33.

i dont understand why all the threads i read everyone has problems with spouses/bf/lovers, especially married ones. so much suffering, hate, anger, confusion , frustration. still everyone wants to marry. u start one thread and 20 people come out to tell there story/experiences on the same lines. is it so necessary to marry in first place.......are'nt animals better of.......or we have become worse than animals.

ravii> Some animals do mate for life. Of course they seem to be more picky at selecting a mate than some folks I know.

dear justin.......take it easy......dont catch the words but underlined meaning. and without offending anyone the animal that has created most population is MAN, the animal who has destroyed the nature is MAN, the one who kills the other with bombs like yesterday in India is MAN, ofcourse the animal with most progressive brain is also MAN.......

It would be such a happy world if MAN make progress in evolving Relationships also like he is doing in so many other fields.........i see really very little evolution in terms of relationships in last 100 yrs compared to other achievments......why still our emotions are stuck at good marriage is ultimate bliss.......i dont know the answer but iam sure this institution of marriage need to evolve for betterment and happiness all around........

I feel very sorry for you,Gilmore.

From the information you have provided,it appears that he is a poor husband and father.Both you and your child need support and he's miles away through his own volition.


Difficult choice, but I'd divorce in your situation.

Thank you all for your comments. Today's our first counselling session - we'll see what happens there. I think I have already made up my mind, but I'm willing to go and see what comes out of this. I've tried talking to my husband several times, and I believe he's starting to understand my frustrations and dissappointment. That's important, because so far it has been like talking to a brick wall. But this doesn't mean things will change. I just want him to understand why I cannot continue like this and maybe seperating is the best possible thing for both of us. There is no reason for us to be unhappy. And we need to at least be able to be civil with each other, even if it's just for our son's sake.


And Ravii - the reason you are reading only about relationships gone bad is because this forum is to get advise on relationships. This is why I posted my thread. If things are going great, there's nothing to talk about... And who wants to hear how great someone's relationship is - really???


(Sorry if I sound a tad bit cynical - hope you understand given my situation!)

hi Gilmore, well done and good luck in your first session. you're going in with the right mindset.


as for happy couples...of course they're not posting here Ravii - no need to.

Some people have too high expectations for marriage and it's generally easy to divorce when those expectations aren't met - and when reality kicks in.


[BTW, I'm not suggesting that this is the case in this situation.]

There is no right or wrong in the world. Relationship is mutual and can be built or destoried by one side. Man and woman has different challenge and difficulty and more tolerance and sharing is impt to remain

RD, maybe my posting was too long because apparently you didn't read it till the end. If my husband was doing his part in this relationship and contributing at least financially, then I would be somewhat happy. But he's not even doing that as his social life in HK seems to be claiming most of his salary.


And I agree, marriage is not easy. It's about two people coming together and there are bound to be many problems. I believe that marriage would be worth the struggle if you knew both parties are aiming towards the same goals in life. It's not a marriage if one person is still stuck in singles' ville and the other is pulling the weight of the entire relationship in order to move forward.

I can feel your frustration and that's why you can write it long. I hope everything can work out by the last try. however, it all depends on whether both of u and yr husband's wish

their was a time when people used to have issues in relationships in forties, now the more i read the threads posted i find people at the age of 25.... talk......experience.....lived......broken......tired... like 40, arent they becoming old so soon, is the innocense....youth.......freshness getting lost.

RD, I do not wish to get into specifics. It's irrelavant. All I can tell you is that he's company pays for accomodation. That's not an issue. I know is entertainment expenses because I've seen his credit card bills. And he'll be the first to admit to his money wasting ways. He never denies that. He just doesn't think there will be consequenses to his actions. I guess part of it is my fault since I have been threating with divorce for so long. He just didn't take me seriously. Well, now he knows...


I get what everyone is saying. I always wonder if I'm throwing in the towel too soon, that I have a son to think about and maybe things will get better. But I feel like I've tried for two years. Nothing has changed. I'm really unhappy with life right now. Everyday seems to be a struggle and I need something to change. So I look at what is making me unhappy - my husband. I feel neglected as a wife and woman, and I feel that he is neglecting our son. I want a partner who wants to be with us. Who wants to know who his son is and enjoy all the wonferful things he does. I want a man who wants to be with me, with us and have a future together. I am not getting that from him. And I don't want to go through life being disappointed - with him, with myself, or just accepting something that is killing my inner being.


We went to our first counselling session, and one thing that came up was the anger I had towards him. It's true. I can't seem to forgive him, or want to forgive him at this point. I feel numb inside. And he sees it too. He says that I'm not the happy, fun person I use to be. I guess part of it is that having a child with health issues has made me worry about everything. But I feel I'm alone in my worries and concerns because he's not here to support me. He hasn't been there for me even when we were living in the same country, let along half way around the world. So, life has not been easy the last couple of years and maybe I'm not that much fun to be around anymore. I don't know how to change that right now. I can't just forget my million and one things that's giving me grey hair prematurely. If I had a partner to share my burden it might help.


He wants to make the relationship work, but I'm not sure I want it anymore. There is no trust, and too much hurt. I maybe able to forgive, but I'll never forget - so is there hope in having a happiness in this marriage??

my hubby walked out on me 6 months ago forsomeone else and recently dumped by his girlfriend. as someone who's going through the pain of a divorce, i think most important is you have to know very clearly if you still love your husband, my marriage went dead pretty much 3 years before the separation and i never had the heart to leave him, i wish i did it way earlier instead of now that i am getting old. if you are not happy, make sure you won't drag yourself into the pain for too long when you are still young.

Hi,


As a follow-up to this thread, I have finally decided to throw in the towel and call it day on my marriage. As mentioned last time, I went for marriage councelling, and we had a few sessions. I wouldn't say the whole thing was a waste of time - we did manage to get most of our issues out in the open. I thought that this would give us a chance to reflect and really understand how we are feeling and what we really wanted out of this marriage. But the peace lasted only a month and we were back to our usual routine. I think the biggest issue is that we are in two different places in our lives, and I can't change that. So I give up. I can't keep banging my head against a brick wall anymore and have decided to seperate. He doesn't agree with it, but to me, I see no other option.


I guess my question is, what now? If I'm perfectly honest, I scared about the future I'm facing. Having to take full responsibility of a sick child and have to face the world by myself. My husband hasn't been there for most part as it is, but there was some security knowning that he was still there, no matter how uninvolved he actually was. Am I making sense here? I would like to get some insight on how you go forward being a single parent. And being single. I'm finding it hard to even take off my rings yet. I feel like I failed in life. Am I doing the right thing for my child? Am I giving up too soon? Am I expecting too much from him? So many questions and no answers. All I want to do these days is sleep and hope things would be sorted out when I wake up. So far that plan hasn't worked and I have to keep dragging myself out of bed for work. And for my kid. Any advise would be appreciated...

Dear Gilmore,


Don't be too hard on yourself... Even though this has to happen to you, you are not a failure.


Just do what you think would bring you & your child better joy in lives.


Honestly, have seen selfish men and it's kinda hard for them to change...


Take care & God bless...

Another update...


Since my posting things have changed dramaticly. I caught my husband having an affair. I guess I should have seen it coming, but I guess I wanted to believe that he wouldn't do that to me. We had our problems and even if we couldn't work it out, I had hoped that he would do the right thing and come to me first and tell me, instead of me having to play investigator and find out myself. As much as I was prepared to leave and divorce him, this has come as a huge shock to me. Especially knowing that he had been having the affair for the last 4 months. This explains his general attitude towards me/us and our marriage and why it never had a chance. Once I confronted him, all he had to say was that I never should have found out. That once I moved to Hong Kong he would have ended it and no one would be hurt. This is the reply I got. For the last week he has been crying and begging me to forgive him and take him back, and that I need to think about our son and try to make this marrriage work, that plenty of marriages go through this sort of thing (especially in Hong Kong) and survive it, and our relationship will only be stronger, yada, yada, yada. I was actually starting to believe his tears were true and that he was feeling remorse for what he has done, until I came across an email he had written to one of his friends (two days ago) where he was telling him how much he loved this other girl and wish I didn't find out, and how hurt I was, but too bad. Serves me right for snooping in his email (he had given me his password). So I confronted him again, and all he had to say was that he didn't think I would forgive him so he had to move on!!! As you can imagine, I'm pretty pissed off right now. Pissed off and hurt that he would betray our sick son and I like this. That he treated me like a fool for so long. I still can't imagine what my son and I had done that was so wrong to deserev such treatment from him. And I can't believe I married such an unfeeling person.


I'm still in the process of coming to terms with everything. This has been a hard few months for me. My father is very ill and has been in the hospital for the last 3 months, one of my closest friends died of cancer, and I just found out our son will need another open-heart surgery earliy next year. And as if that wasn't enough to drive me crazy, I find out that I have been married to a lying, cheating bas!@#d. He hadn't been there for me these last few months when I was going through all this turmoil. That's why I had finally decided enough was enough. But this really hurts, especially to find out how long it had been going on.


I guess I would like to know how do I move on? I don't want to be a bitter women who hates all men. I want to be able to get over this pain and the constant tears. My whole future has been turned upside down, and as much as I know it was he who cheated, my self esteem has taken a huge blow, and I can't help think that I wasn't able to keep my husband from straying. The distance didn't help, I know. I'm just really confused and hurt. I have so many things to worry about right now, with this, my father, my son and sorting out my finances, I really am having a hard time coping with everything. And I'm having a hard time facing people, feeling like a complete failure in life and evrything is falling apart. Any advise on how I can patch up my life and move on would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you mpl for your long response. I appreciate everything you've said. In my heart I know that what you've said is true. My friends are telling me the same thing. It's just sometimes I feel like the everything around me is crumbling. But I will move on. I just need some time to get my bearings and figure what to do now. I also need to know how to face my family and friends because he didn't just betray my son and I, but my entire family, his family and our friends. And I'm the one here who has to face everyone and have to explain this. But you're right. I have my son to focus on and try to be both parents to him. As for moving on and meeting someone else, I just hope next time I choose better.