What can I do to help my true love BF?

I am 24 years old and I am Chinese. I just break up with my 26 year old BF. The reason is he want to find himself back just like when he was in Australia. He enojoy surfing, meeting friends, doing meditation. He believed in Budla and he always tell me Chinese budla is not real. (I want to kick him. :))


We have been together for 2 years. We have something in common. We are all person with strong character- not attitude. I mean he has his life style and idea of living. I am a girl with strong self- respect. For the first 1 year we together, I avoid to go out often,like eating in expensive restraunt, pubs and other public place. Most of the time, we are at his home. I dont want he regard me as a girl have strong desire on money. I work hard and pay attention on my own developing. With him, I truley like him and are serious from the begging. I like his manner and his character. Simple and interesting.


He also works hard. He was to sent to Shanghai being a second responsible boss while the second week he arrived he become the big boss after the their headquater fire the old one. He was alone but struggled for his company setup. Since their main responsibility is to generate sales via tele-sales. They face big competetion here. Now he is busy with more and more subsidiary company in China national wide.


To be honnest, I used to be his staff and I left his company after two month after I realized I will never be a good telesales person. I have something more suible for me to do and can be more successful. One and a half months later without any contact, I get his call since he want to give back his CD disco. Then--- very quickly, we are together for I like him from the first sight. I always made my choice quick and effecient.


After we had been together for half year. He told me he got bored with the relation. He truly like me but he feel he is quite empity in China. He thought he lost himslef. No friend, stress work, and unsure future. He is too young to think far and plan for future. After I realize it is his own problem. I agree to be friend with him and no need to feel sorry for me if he did not cheat my feeling.


Anyway, I tried to help him get himself back,live happily here and we did not break up finally. He read a lot of novel after that when he was alone and still we spent lot of time together,most of the time he is free.


Now the problem is --- after two years, he still want to find himself back, more his own time and space. Although I always try to hlep him and solve the problem. He thoutght we tried two years and it does not work out.


For our relationship, I realize I had my own problem. I am little bit jealous girl since he is quite nice guy to every girl and his company are all women. But mentally, I believe him. Just emotionlly, I get jealous if he keep talking some one else in his company. Anyway, every time we are not happy is all about this problem. I am jealous.


For this problem, it is easy to solve. If he show more love to me. I was very happy when year ago when he tell me -- he want to be with me for a long future. I never push him give me promise. But I want sincere and developing relation. Not for fun.


You must have understand my situation. Everytime he come back from Austrailia, he looks not very happy. For the most recent, he was to attend his eld brother's wedding. After his back, once I called him when he was on the way to another city. He told me he is not very happy about our relation. He thought we did not have much progress. When I said I agreed to breakup. He tole me he had some problems to think about too and he need sometime to reply to me. This is suffering for me.


I repeated thinking we did not solve any problem. I feel suffering that I cant help thinking about it. I did not mean to push him to reply to me. But I know he do not have much time of his own since he is too busy. I want one more oppotunity to change the situation, not wait for his reply of whether we still be together again.

And now we have break up after I keep talking aobut this problem.


Till now, I still dont understand what he really need and what I can help him. Before I move on, I want to anything else I can do.

Janet - your relationship is OVER. sorry to be harsh. it is finished. there is nothing else you can do but let go and move on.


better luck with your next relationship.

Thanks for your reminding. I dont understand we lead to this. What is the main problem. No matter whether we can be together again. I want to learn from this. What is his problem? I dont understand his situation.

This guy sounds like a flake and it sounds like he doesn't have a clue what he wants. Why waste your time while he's trying to figure it out? And if he's causing you all this much trouble, he's not "the one".

Sometimes I feel female is more brave than men. At least I am. I admit I am little bit ideal for relation. I am no asking for much. Just love-- but I know it is heavy. I believe he has his own problem in mind he need to solve. Maybe he is not prepared. These problems are mixed and make me confused about his situation.


Two year is not very long and yet shot. But we can not judge the relation just from time. I am truly happy with him. He told me he is happy with me too. We two had the same conflicts from time to time. He feel I (Janet) never be satisfied. He said he feels our relation is OK but it is not enough for him.


Seems like we two are asking for different things. I just want love and long-lasting relation. For him, he want a happy life, not just a relation.


Am I right? I know I dont understand him very well. But I try too. To love some is to give what he want right?


If he want I leave him, this is the most easy thing I can do. But it is not. That's why I am confusing.


Is our problem related with differnt lifestyle and value?


Look forward to hearing from you about serious relation which is more comnplicated than just dating or breakup?


I am exciting about learnging the difference between different country and coulture? I know for relation -- difference is risky.

I get the feeling you are very inexperienced with men and that this is your first real boyfriend. You are too starry eyed to see that this relationship is not going to go any further.


In western cultures it is common to live with someone and share a life without any intention of marriage, or even making it a serious relationship - particularly when straight out of university.


In fact, in western culture there is a thing called a "Starter Marriage" which usually begins when both spouses are in their 20s, and ends within five years or so, before children come along.


What you are going through usually occurs for teenagers in west. People grow and change. You want one thing, he wants something else. There is nothing you have said which suggests there is any kind of strength in the relationship to sustain a live-in relationship let alone a marriage.


He was your starter boyfriend, time to find the next one who loves you for who you are, not for want juvenile needs you can fulfil.

move on baby doll, wake up. like fw said what best to get a gf, guide, sex partner all in one when new in a country. now he dont feel any need of u, and true when come first time the first chinese girl u come close to looks an angel to be with but later so many better ones u come across. so he has moved on for a better partner or may be no partner at all, u also move on and get wiser from this experience. dont just fall for WHITE SKIN.

To start a relation, I am not so stupid to ask for future. No one knows the future. It's a bet. Even you know you want future, you definitly want to make sure the one you want also want you that much. To start a relation, what you need to know is whether you are interested to start.


Everyone need sex:long- term or short-term. You dont think it is also trouble for him if he clearly knows I want serious relation.


You know in China, many Chinese dont trust foreign guys and thus foreign guy are not serious engough to start a real relation here.


To start the serious relation, I defintinely want to make he is not pig.


Before we breakup,he told me he love me. But for the last two years, he is not happy enough.


He used to ask me give him more his own space for him to make some friends. But in fact, he dont have much time on the weekdays and I took most of his time in the weekends. Usually he would sleep till noon on Saturday and need to work on Sunday.


We spent long time in coffee shop on Sunday while he is working and I am reading book.


You can say he dont love enough, but about relation-- love need to develop for long - term relation. He said our relation did not make big progress in the last one year. I understand. We still have conflicts on the same problem, like jealousy.


He cried many times when we talk about breakup. You cant not say it is cheating.


Understand?

He is mixed blood with a Chinese- imgrant father and a English mom. I have seen his family many times.


I understand the fear and desire when you come to a new country. I doubt this when we first talked about being together. I could not make sure he want to be with me has no relation with his lonliness. The first half year,he is honest about this too and we nearlly breakup to be friends. Later, he found I am quite special. I had no cry for breakup and took it easy and later we just continue to be together.


But after two year, it can be different and it is more complicated.


Like what Claire said, it is a progress.I believe what you said.


Also, he never really face his problems here. He tried to solve the problems but the only way he can try is to leave me. Why? He never really experiece the lonliness of feelings.


Haveing a GF you like, at least you wont be very lonly in feelings. Not like some guy who would hang out in the city for sex. He is not this kind.

If a problems confuse you for two years and confuse you BF for two years? Will you want to find out what is the real reason.


You can decide love enough not from what I said. But for relation, I believe only love is not enough. Does not mean can lead you to a wonderful future.


Just like career is more important or love is?

Different moment, you had differenrt measurment.


I almost say goodbye to him one year ago since I got a good job offer from another city. He introduced the interview for me and he did not expect I can really get it. But I did. I was prepareing to go another city to work which is very far away from Shanghai. I think if he is not clearly know he want long-term future with me,I would like to take my career oppotunity. I told him we would be together if we have connection between us no matter how far.


I prepared to go. He was cheerful in the beginning if I can get the offer. After I get and I am exciting to leave soon. He was sad and he told me he would organize his time and work hard.


Anyway, finally I did not go there for other reason.


You would understand we had experienced many breakup in these two years.

You are both too scared to break up and move on. Fear is not a good enough reason to stay together unless one is a masochist.

leave it guys ......she dont want to listen

:) Thank you, Insane.


I admit. I talk more and he listen. That's why I dont understand him. And that's why I creat this column issue.


Would like to hear different people's idea.

I want to know myself too from this experience.

by the way insane........did u listen?.......we dont get ur reply........or u waiting for some more response for ur thread

Thanks all.


Although it is very hard to move on soon. And basically I cherish the hope that he love me enouth and we would sit toghter to talk about how to solve problems together after sometime during which he can think more clearly.


Anyway, if you love you wont give up what you love and it need 2 persons to sit together to solve problems they have. This is the universal rules.


I would try to spend my own time. To move on -- it is just a problem of time.

sometimes love (meaning, the regard, the feeling) alone really isnt enough. I am struggling to understand this myself as I am in your ex bf's position. He probably loves and cares for you, cherished the times you spent together, the fights you had etc. But sometimes it is just not enough. Do you inspire him, make him feel alive, make him feel fulfilled? Perhaps not. Or, maybe it's not you, maybe it's because he is 26, still confused and young (for a lot of men). Talking through things (i.e on way talking, meaning you talk and him keeping quiet)will not 'cure' that restlessness, the feeling of being lost, wanting to be found.


You sound like a strong woman. Wish you the best whatever the outcome

The feeling of lost? Can you describe?


I only know sometimes I lost myself too if I can not solve my problem. I would feel heavy.


Do you have any advice on my situation? Anything. I want to understand and try to help him if I can. I know maybe his own problem is more serious than ours for he keep talking about that many times. He knew he may not really solve his problem even we breakup? But at lesst he would have his own time.


Very glad for your your reponse. My BF is simple but also complicated man. Me too.


Thanks a lot.

seriously Janet MOVE ON with ur life, from what you wrote he is simply over you, and u dont need look for reasons just MOVE on!! sounds very immature or u simply dont want accept it that its over, what a waste of time thinking what went wrong, again MOVE ON :)

For the dating languages, thanks!


I want someone to love and to be loved. I am always honest with this and he should be too.


Too many breakups for his own reason. I think you guys maybe right I am not important enough for him for the long-lasting future.


I dont want to keep analyse this. Just want to understand. Like you said, I cant help him. I have do erverything I can and I never try to keep him around me if he is obviously not sincere about our relation.


Thanks, guys. I know what I want to do.

It's a period of turmoil and growth for your friend and he's on his life path. Meeting you is part of the path but it is in some peoples' makeup that they are not instantly happy.. it's a long slow gruel before it finally dawns on them to be satisfied with what they have. Take a step back, keep in touch, enjoy your life, see if there's something better for you, and if not, he may be more available emotionally some years down the track, maybe!