Let go of this friendship?

I have a good gal pal whom I've known for a year. We've many similar interests and get along very well. There are few, if any, secrets between us and we talk nearly every day.


Recently I began seeing a guy. We ran into her on one date and she said he looked cute, though a little young/baby-faced. One day, the guy showed me photos of his family homes in Europe. He had several and each came with a swimming pool and a collection of original artwork, including a couple of Picassos and Miros. It never occured to me before this that he could come from a wealthy family and I remarked on this in passing to my friend. She said jokingly in reply, "Does he have a brother?" She also started to ask more questions about him then.


A few days ago, I arranged for New Guy, Gal Pal and I to play tennis. Gal Pal was interested in swimming in his pool and suggested I bring my bikini along so we could go for a dip afterwards. I was a little surprised by that because she has access to a really nice pool at her gym. And even though we go regularly to the gym, she never suggested that we swim together. Or made much use of the pool on her own. Anyway, I told her that since this would be the first time she met him, it would be better to stick to the programme (i.e. tennis) instead of presuming that we could use the pool too.


When we met up for tennis, Gal Pal was like an excitable puppy. I know her pretty well and it seemed that she made an extra effort to be charming to New Guy and tell him many interesting things about herself. New guy was attracted to her too, since she's not only friendly but good looking.


We went out for dinner and drinks afterwards. New guy suggested a late night out dancing. Gal Pal was supposed to work in the morning even though it was the weekend. Yet she was keen on the idea. When I said I wasn't dressed for it, she said we could go to her place to change and she'd lend me a dress. She's never offered this (loan of a dress) to me before. New Guy was also trying his luck, and suggested we go for a dip at his pool.


Obviously I don't feel good about this situation. My feelings for New Guy are not very deep at the moment, even though the attraction is both physical and mental. I don't really care if I lose him. I would feel more upset at losing Gal Pal instead, because we're closer and have had both good and bad times together. But now I also feel that she's not a true friend and I cannot trust her.


How would you handle this if you were me? Would you distance yourself from Gal Pal and let the friendship die? Or pretend nothing happened but keep her away from the guys you date?

You can't really know a person within one year. I knew some person that keeps a seemingly great friendship with you but when there emerges any moment of conflit, say, grabing a boyfriend or simply competing to be more attractive, will turn a rat.

She is not saying her intention aloud but uses her action to compete with you for the boy. In this way, she prentends to be innocent and fancies that she is not to blame if the boy turns more attention to her.

Of course you both have the equal right to earn the boy's heart. But if she is a genuin and trustworthy friend, she would tell you her mind . And if you have ever told her about your feeling towards the boy, she should know she is hurting you in some way, but she now doesn't seem to care. However,it's natural for a girl to take some action to atrract a boy, though.


You still have to see what extent her selfishness is to. I think you may try pointing out the problem with her calmly and see what her reaction is. But when you do this, you should not act as if the boy were already yours. Should she deny, let. If she admits, you may as well let the relationship of you three go on natually and observe.No one is perfect,you know.

It's too early to judge your friend. If she keeps behaving like she did in front of you and New Guy, then red flag. If she keeps asking stuff about New Guy, red flag too. Friendship between girls is always tricky. Even best friends of long time can become jealous of and competitive with each other at times. Just stay cool and keep observing.

I think it's less complicated for men, raincatcher. Men are more straightforward and less sensitive in a friendship, well, most men, I should say. There are some guy rules and most men tend to stick to them. I think there's less guess work in guys' friendship.

funcgkw- It would be very kind of you if you don't mind sharing the guy rules?


I know some men who are just as scheming and competitive.

rats, that's why I said most men.


As for the guy rules, you can do a search on google. According to my male friends, a lot of those listed are true among guys. : )

funcgkw, that's why I didn't say your statement is wrong. ;)


well, we can always googling. Just it will be more easy to listen your opinions here.

Why don't you be kind and ,say, list Top 5 golden guy rules in your male friends' and your opinions? I am sure I am not the only one who is insterested in the topic.

I don't really have a Top 5 here. I'll just state a few I know. How these rules are practiced depends heavily on the relationship one man has with another.


# If you and your buddy both like the same girl at the same time (say she is not aware of it) and you both know it, you talk to each other first before making any move. (My friend said it's the golden rule)


# If you want to date your mate's ex-girlfriend (peaceful/recent break up), talk to your mate first. If things turned very sour between the two, don't even bother.


# Ask your friend first if you want to date his sister.

funckgw, thanks!


momo8, are you a police or what? I know it is not really nice to hack the thread here. But it can be useful for Trix as well. At least she now knows even guys (no matter how desperate they can be) have those golden rules among them when it comes to friendship. Having that in mind, she may better evaluate when her Gal Pal has done to her and may also keep that in mine as her own reference (like when she and her female friend both like the same guy or when she wants to date her Gal Pal's ex one day...etc.) So, be objective before blaming others ;)


Trix, take funckgw's rules and talk to your Gal Pal honestly. Guess honesty, as in any kind of relatioships, is very important and can save lots of trouble.

I wouldn't bother talking to her. Girls like that will deny it and say "I was just being friendly" but as women we all know what the score is and if her behaviour makes you uncomfortable then your intuition is usually right.

He's a new guy and you say you don't care if you lose him, so I would chalk it up to experience and distance yourself from both of them. Bottom line is you should be able to trust your friends with your man no matter what, even if they have model looks. If she's so good looking of course he will be checking her out, but you shouldn't have to worry about her playing up to it. That's not what friends are for.

momo8, of course situation always varies and is based on individual. But what's wrong just to get some reference?


As said, even some guys may have some rule (I never say ALL guys), so if her Gal Pal is a decent human being, she would have told her how she feel and what she think about the New Guy.


get my point?


*peace*

Thanks all for your contributions. No New Guy doesn't have a brother. I've let go of him. Some of my feelings were killed off by the way he flirted with my friend in front of me and ignored me, and pretending afterwards that it was all nothing. Just don't think I need to put up with this crap.


As for Gal Pal, I have yet to confront her on her behaviour, though we've spoken a few times since. Suddenly I remember all the times when she hasn't been so good to me, like how she would change the topic when I'm in the middle of telling her that I'm upset. Or say she'd call me back when we're talking about something halfway but not bother. Now I don't think she really treated me as a friend.... and can sometimes be really self-centred. Maybe I'm also focusing on negatives because I'm not so happy now. Our friendship has certainly been damaged. Gal Pal pretends nothing happened of course, and has moved on to another guy. She also continues to call me as before. In the past, I used to be very patient in listening to her emotional crises and always made an effort to soothe and encourage her. Now I cannot be bothered to. Guess I will just let this friendship drift. I'll continue to go out with her of course but it's hard to imagine we'd ever be as close as we used to.

Oh sweetie, I know exactly how you feel! I've been in the same boat and I'm so glad you let go of him. It's healthier for you in the long-run and you really don't need to put up with that crap. Also, of course you're unhappy now, but it's ok to be sad and 'mourn' for a while. In fact, i think it's healthy to recognize and accept your melancholic feelings. But it's unhealthy if it persists. Good luck dear. You're not alone. *hug*

Thanks for the support Imma Star. I hadn't gone out with New Guy for that long so the feelings aren't that deep. I'm actually more upset about Gal Pal than him. Nonetheless, I'm a little exhausted after the rollercoaster of emotions I've just gone through and will take a break and spend some time alone. Onwards and upwards I go.... wish me luck ;)

Good for you Trix!

the New Guy is the key, your Girl Pal can't steal him from you if he is into you. Besides, friendship between women is veeeery fugile, there are so many comparsion and competition and jealous in it.