Ok, so here is the situation. Sorry for the long story.
I met "Mr. Ex" along time ago, we dated/lived together for 3 years, we were headed down the road to wedded bliss when we moved to HK and became a statistic of a couple who split due to infidelity (on his part). I am over Mr Ex emotionally, however as he met his cheating partner online, I have a particular sensitivity to cheating, especially through use of the internet.
Fast forward to the present. Awhile ago, I met Mr Now, who is a perfect match for me (ironically, we met through an internet site as well). We both have the same ideals when it comes to loyalty in relationships. However I must admit to something shameful. I looked him up on the website that we originally met on, only to find that he is still an active user, based on log-in times. To be fair, I did not look him up for the point of looking for this information- rather just to reminice about days past, and I got a surprise. (NO, before you ask, I dont snoop around email, or passwords, or anything like that, this was honestly a stumble-upon situation).
When I confronted him about why he had logged on, he gave me a completely reasonable and logical explanation, which I didn't think of prior to confronting him. He was very upset that I would question him and rightly so, as he is a genuine person. I feel like I totally blew our trust and I don't know how I can make things right. The thing is, I don't regret confronting him because based on my past experiences, I now don't turn a blind eye.
Is this something time will heal? I really dont know what to do, I've apologised for questioning him but I think I caused quite a bit of damage.
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As you've been burned by an online cheater before, it's understandable that you would have some leftover paranoia. I think your boyfriend should cut you some slack. As you said, it's not like you snooped on him. What are you supposed to do when things don't seem right to you other than confront him about it?
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Karl
18 yrs ago
I don't think you blew it. You explained, so let it be forgotten. If he raises the matter again, explain again, re-affirm your non-snooping policy, and that should do it.
Must say though that your reason for going back to the site doesn't sound very convincing. So you should make a special effort not to give the impression of any snooping in future.
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I don't think you have blown the trust of this relationship.... you stumbled across the information and had to get answer due to your previous experience... from his point of view it does look a bit bad, but as long as he trusts that you were not snooping deliberately, things will return to normal soon enough.
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Thanks for your replies.
FYI I did cancel my membership about a week after meeting him. You do not need to be a member to look at photos, which is what I was on there to do. He hasn't though, which bugs me. I haven't asked him why as I don't want to come off as insecure in our relationship- which I'm not- but how can you ask without implying so?
Plus at this point I'd rather not cause MORE uproar in this relationship, wether or not its justified.
At least it seems like the census is in my favor, which is always somewhat reassuring.
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I think you were making too big of a deal out of it.
Why you had to confront him in the first place is a little beyond me. It's not like you caught him chatting with other women or flirting or even cheating. "Confront" makes it sound like you actually had something on him.
I'm in a serious relationship. I was on a few dating sites and still an existing member. I was just too lazy to cancel my membership. Sometimes I got emails from other members and I'd log on to check them, but I never wrote back and never would have. It's sheer curiosity.
It bugs you cause you canceled your membership and he didn't. You didn't feel he's on the same page with you in the relationship and you freaked out. Past experience flashed back and boom, he's on to something. I think you should be cutting him some slack here. As you said, he gave you an explanation and you thought it was reasonable and logical. So what's the problem here now?
If it still bothers you that he hasn't canceled his membership, simply tell him. Let him know it's important for him to do so. Very few men are good at guess work.
P.S. if you were so committed to this relationship, why did you still go back for more eye candy?
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I'm not sure why there is the discussion about him going back for eye candy... I thought D&C had got a good answer from him regarding his reasons for going back to the site, but then in a later message D&C says that she hasn't got a good reason from him for not cancelling his membership... and how do we know that he was going abck for eye candy.... he may have other friends on the site that he visits....
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I didn't go back there for eye candy. I don't have a profile on there anymore, and I went on to look at his, only his, which I did.
I guess I used the word 'confront' as a way to say I asked him about it. But really, no matter how nicely I "ask" him about it, it seems confrontational, because I am basically implying he's on there for other reasons, which is why he took offence. There is no nice way to ask someone about this without it implying you are curious to their motives...no matter how much you trust them.
It seems there are two types of people- those who dont think leaving profile up while in a relationship is a big deal, and those who don't. In my point of view, its sending a message to strangers that you're available, am I right? I guess it depends on how seriously one takes the site....
Then there are those who are in a relationship and don't bother getting rid of profiles, still read incoming mail....isn't that unnessesary? whats the point?
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I think it still depends on what kind of site we are talking about... if it's Hi5 or friendster, he could be going on there to see if he's got any messages from existing friends.. if it's an online dating site, then that's a WHOLE different ball-game.....!
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The website in question is specifically for singles who are looking.
It seems that there are some people that don't consider keeping a profile and checking up on it a big deal (him included)...how can I talk to him about removing his profile without coming off as suspicious of him cheating on me?
For the record, I am very confident that he would never cheat. I honestly don't think he's that type of person. So then why keep up with such a site? I don't get it.
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"Then there are those who are in a relationship and don't bother getting rid of profiles, still read incoming mail....isn't that unnessesary? whats the point? "
The point is I don't get emails EVERYDAY. My boyfriend is well aware of it too. Nothing to hide and nothing secret is going on. Like I said, it's sheer curiosity. I NEVER intend to write back and NEVER will. Plus, the sites were not solely dating oriented. Anyway, enough about that.
If you HONESTLY don't think he would cheat, why did you even bother to look him up then? I agree with some advice here that if he KNOWS it bothers you and still keeps doing it, red flag. But he needs to know how you feel first and why. When you want to talk to someone about something, it's always best to cut to the chase. If it bothers you, it just does. He needs to know that. If he respects you and takes the relationship seriously, he'd do the right thing.
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Dazed&Confused, i agree with Norbert. one shouldn't blindly ignore obvious red flags in the name of trust. we might not buy the way you stumbled across your bf's existing account, BUT you have every right to question its existence, especially given your past experience. and he owes you the same forgiveness and understanding you would accord him if the situation were reversed.
it's nice in theory to come into each new relationship without baggage and wounds and scars, but the reality is they exist and people just aren't built that way. you must love your loved one warts and all. he should show you a little compassion, especially as he knows how your last relationship flamed out.
how is everything - all settled? hope all is well.
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