Posted by
vitasoy
18 yrs ago
I'm in my second relationship with a Chinese girl and find myself facing the same frustrations that precipitated the last break up. I care about her a lot, but can't help dwelling on the many minor irritations. Although she is an educated woman, her behavior in private can be downright childish. She throws minor tantrums when we have disagreements. Worse still, she's in the habit of making a variety of whinging noises like a displeased little girl. Although she looks great, she never does any exercise. She has no interest in current affairs. Her English grammar is terrible and she seems to have no intention of improving it (I had to resist the urge to correct her bedroom talk in a moment of intimacy last night--I wish she would moan in Chinese instead). Then there are more superficial irritations: she makes slurping sounds when she eats, her eyebrows are tweezed to the extent that she resembles a Japanese ghost without her makeup, she showers at night and comes to bed with damp hair. Are these quirks to be expected in all cross-cultural relationships? Am I being too superficial?
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sorry, it's just too funny... how old is she?
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smoky
18 yrs ago
Why does she have to improve? Why can't vitasoy adapt? When in Rome.....
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yea tell her to improve or just dump her
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i dated several western guys but they were not as tidy as i thought - if its the "cultural difference" you are talking about?
they might not pick their noses in public or have unpleasant sounds while eating though their apartments were all messy like hell. some of them are professionals. so?
i was born and raised up here but nobody ever complains that im messy and untidy
anyway
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At least you tried:) Get yourself a Thai / Chinese girlfriend (perfect mix) and if that's no good stay single. My Thai girlfriend tells me I'm getting more and more like a local (slurping and burping rules!)
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Hi vitasoy, I believe not every Chinese girls are like that. Did you try to talk to her for
this ?? If you do want together with her, I
prefer to talk to each other first.
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Yes, I am a picky bugger! I thought of some more things that irritate me. When she rinses her mouth after brushing her teeth, she spits the water out too emphatically. She is so fashion conscious and fusses over her appearance, but wears very boring underwear. She doesn't tend to a particular aspect of personal grooming (and this I think is definitely a cultural difference compared to younger western women). When we go to Chinese restaurants, she orders dishes with ingredients that I hate, like lotus root and gingko nuts and inoki mushrooms. She isn't very environmentally conscious...she throws away unused wooden chopsticks and plastic utensils when we have take out. She uses this hideous facial mask regularly.
She constantly pokes and pinches me as her way of showing affection.
I suppose these are all minor characteristics that I can learn to cope with or somehow manipulate her into changing. The more serious issue is the language problem and the lack of deeper conversation between us.
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then why still bother if you can see the gap between u guys?
just break up
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a question...
didn't you know from the first day you met her that she doesn't speak good english?????
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I don't know why you are wasting
1) your time
2) the girl's time
Honestly, if I found anyone that irritating, I would be tearing my hair out by now and avoiding the person at all costs. And you are her bf and living in with her???
Some guys find the language quirks and grammatical mistakes adorable, some like you, don't.
You might be picky, but I suspect you have the patience of a saint.
I don't know any HK women intimately but I don't think there is a negative side to showering at night if she blow dries her hair.In fact it is cleaner. And I have not realised that any of the young HK women I work with have bad table manners or make slurping sounds when they drink soup.
Your gf sounds too young for you. She probably doesnt know any better-but you should, shouldn't you?
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I suspect that vitasoy dates the kind of girls that posts messages on asiaxpat "where to find western man, or how to make caucasian man fall in love with me"
There are hk chinese girls who don't pout or throw tantrums, collect hello kitty, act cute, plus they speak reasonably good English and have a western mindset. If you still want to date local girls, try them next time.
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you dont love her at all anyway!
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I totally agree with balzac. I am Chinese but I have good table manners, speak decent english and have a pair of lush eyebrows. Most of my Chinese girlfriends have these attributes too. So the real question to vitasoy is where on earth do you pick up these women?
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Language - surprisingly you have been dating a girl who doesn’t speak decent English. Are you native? How could you deal with that?
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The above post is a glimpse into why so many whining girls post on this thread about their western boyfriends..
Vitasoy,
Find someone else, but don't shatter your girldfriend's self-esteem. Next time, postpone living together until after you have seen and accepted some of her quirks
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just stop being together - as simple as that.
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gabb
18 yrs ago
Why do women like almost-non-existent eyebrows? I personally prefer mine er thick but not bushy.
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Hi vitasoy,
After your second msg, I guess you really
need some break for yourself. Think clearly,
what is the best to you.
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First of all,the girl u meet is not instead of the most good girls educated in China.There are many girls have good taste and culture.
Have a talk with ur gf patiently.Tell her ur truth feeling and ur limits.Communicate honestly. And as an adult,maybe it's impossible to be changed thoroughly.Just improve in some aspects. So if u still can't bear that .Break up .
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Acturally, she is just being herself and people in China do not think that is a problem at all. Only you think it is a problem. Then you either accept who she is and where she from; or go seperate way. You also have a lot of quirks that she has to tolerate. Cross culture relationship is fun and excited, but you both need to learn from each other. You seem to me that you need time to get to know the Chinese people. If you really like to date Chinese women, you need to accept that part of her. I am sure she has a lot more to offer you that western women cannot.
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another point that I want to make is that you need to learn to communicate with her and show her the way that you enjoy. And also show her a way how to communicate with you things that she does not like about you either.
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I find these Chinese culture reference rather offensive. Is this really Chinese culture?
Vitasoy, please move on and stop pegging every problem you have in your relationship as cultural problems. Clearly you are not in love with this woman.
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I agreed with freshair03. As like me and I
also dating with western guy before. We need
to learn to communicate more and understand
each other cultural problems. Dont waste
your time, and talk to her first. Maybe you
both have same problems, lets solve the
problems together.
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i guess the one who is speechless is vitasoy?
he is hidden or disappeared?
the things he said sounded like personal attacks and offensive, also kind of insulting chinese
i do agree its more disgusting as some of the westerners only shower in the morning
anyway...be a man
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I myself an asian married to a European, what more a well educated, well mannered man. Growing up eating w/ hands ( still do if hubby not around ), knowing that burping is the finalé of the meal ( don't do that no more for my own sake ) after many years of observation, practice ( elbows off the table when eating ), awareness what is proper ( like no toothpicking in front of other people )I can say I became a better person w/ right manners. In order to not make myself look stupid when socialising w/ friends I try to read current affairs, not all intellectual of course can be anything. We live in a polluted air so shower at night is a must but I don't leave my hair dripping on my pillows. My husband and I are both maniacs, both exercise, share the same passion for eating ( we love instant noodles once in a while ). English is not my first language, for my own satifaction I see to it that I speak correctly and will continue improving my grammar in anyways. In every couple there will be childlike behaviours, that's ok, husbands acts like a little boy sometimes and so do I. As much as I care about my english grammar, I do put a lot of care of what I wear too, well I don't posses La Perla undies but good ones! I make sure I smell good all the time, don't wear much make up, a dash of lipstick in enuff.
The thing Vitasoy is you shouldn't compare asian women to western women, you can't make someone change the way you want them to be, its up to that person to meet you expectations. However I understand your frustrations, maybe you should find more sublte way to improve her behaviour.
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Hi
I am a local Chinese girl going out with a british guy. I cannot stand that slurping noise when people eat. I believe I am a well educated girl and my mum told us not to when I was kid. I think it is all about how they brought up when they were children.
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aspect, i agree what u said.
vitasoy - we want to hear you, say something for yourself if you still can blame on her...
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No Aspect I don't feel being imprisoned nor losing my ownself and not at all dominated in any ways. Its not at all going to take that extra mile to fit into his western ways, its my own choice to improve what is necessary.
Equality for me between man/woman is not only western way, its for any couple of any race to choose embracing it. Though it will fun to see my husband eat w/ hands one day but I prefer him not to because it will be my job to clean his mess! He doesn't need to compromise his way of living as I prefer his way w/ no question at all.
I do understand that eating w/ slurping noises is way of appreciating the food in other cultures but its not my way.
Again we cannot change a person the way we want them to be, it's their own choice.
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Sheesh... My girlfriend is originally from Beijing and if anything, she complains that it is Hong Kong locals who treat her with a patronizing attitude. To answer aspect's questions, yes I do know what is going on locally. I am learning Chinese, but not able to read Chinese papers. I do however read the local English news on a daily basis. I have nothing against showering in the evening, only against showering right before bed without fully drying one's hair.
My gf has only been living in a westernized environment for a few years and I'm trying to figure out if she'll make a transition to behaviours more in line with what I'm used to. As I said in my original post, most of my complaints are about minor irritations. The more serious differences are the ones that have to do with language and maturity. She herself mentioned that she needed to improve her English so I bought her a book on English grammar...but she hasn't even opened it as far as I can tell. And I don't think I'm wrong to say that a good number of young Chinese women tend to behave a tad immaturely in their relationships. As someone pointed out, you can see it on the streets on a Friday night and in most of the local movies shown on TV. Of course, you can argue that western men and women behave immaturely in other ways but I would at least like the outward appearance of maturity - ie, no whingy noises, no tantrums.
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MC
18 yrs ago
I am from Beijing, received most of my education in the US and married an American. Here are my observations:
1. mainland girls in particular those who have not been exposed to western world tend to a bit immature so to speak. A lot of it is playing games. She throws a tantrum to get your attention. She says no when she means yes. You need to guess. They all play hard to get. Even if the girl has no interest in a man, she won't come out a say it, she will play along.
2. Bad habits such as picking teeth and etc. will never change unless one works very hard at them. Easier for women than for men to change. Part of the reason why I wouldn't marry a mainland Chinese. Even those western educated ones have bad habits such as eating with their mouth full and pulling their pants up so high they sit on their stomachs...
You can bridge some of the differences, but you can never change a person to your liking. My God, if you are so irratated by her now, wait till you marry her.
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Our 1st language at home is English, not my husband's mother language though. To understand and to be able to converse w/ his friends/family back home he paid for my language studies. Yeah a charming hot language instructor is a big motivation! I'm afraid she will never open her english grammar you bought for her, my experience I learn better in a group. Learn ways to correct her grammar that are not offending.
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lets not turn this into a debate about which culture (east or west) has more annoying habits, as we know we are measuring with our own yardstick.
Vitasoy- First question you must ask yourself is do you really love her enough to want to make this this relationship work?
If you're so irritated with her at such an early stage in your relationship, I imagine things would only get worse.
By the way, buying her a grammar book is as boring as wearing granny underwear.
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trix
18 yrs ago
Can I share my experience? I'm Chinese but English is my mother tongue because I grew up speaking it. In the past, I've had a Chinese boyfriend who spoke atrocious English . I would try to help him along by correcting his pronounciation. He'd get it maybe after 3-5 tries each time and forget it promptly the next day, no matter how many the same exercise was repeated. This was a bright man however, who had a good job as a dentist. Eventually he lost his patience at me and told me to just stop it because it was very bruising for his ego. I also hid him from my friends because (yes, I hate to admit it) he embarrassed me.
I also realised that the difference in first language also meant that we had different values, lifestyle, way of relating to our family etc. We ended up having a lot of arguments because of this.
Nowadays, I won't bother to date someone who speaks bad English anymore. We'd just be too different to make it work.
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not only asian women aspect, even western women find them sexy w/ their crooked english, c'est comme ça!
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Hey aspect, you are sounding like a broken record. I never insisted that anyone improve their English. I never asked my gf to improve her English or even corrected her grammar or pronounciation. I'm just taking about issues with a relationship and whether they can be worked out. Believe me, I have bitched plenty about non-Chinese girls in the past. No need to find reasons to be indignant.
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trix
18 yrs ago
aspect, you’re making this a racial issue which it is not. It’s natural for people to want to find a partner who can communicate effectively with them, enjoy the same lifestyle, mix well with their friends etc. I was expressing my personal preference as a Westernised Chinese whose first language is English. Just as there are many girls in HK who cannot care whether their boyfriend can speak English , there are many who have no issues dating a French guy with a poor command of the language. I think you are being too sensitive on this topic.
Electrode, there are many kinds of Chinese people. For instance, Chinese people who live in Mainland China, Hong Kong, Taiwan, Malaysia, China are all different in their own ways. And not all Chinese people behave in the manner described or speak bad English. I don’t think it’s a given that you have to put up with such behaviour.
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vitasoy,
you mentioned this is your 2nd relationship with a chinese girl and the first relationship failed because she had all the bad habits like your current partner? if so, perhaps you may wish to consider why you are putting yourself through this again - do they have other wonderful qualities that attracted you to them in the first place (and therefore you should try to focus on these positive points instead) or are you just a sucker for painful relationships??
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trix
18 yrs ago
If you have so many issues, stop dating the traditional Chinese girls and go for the ABC/BBC/CBC (foreign born Chinese) or the more Westernised ones.
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Coquinne is not from China, and yes I didn't grow up eating w/ cutleries, in fact when back home w/ my family I go back to my old barbarian habits eating w/ hands is fun.
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Vitasoy - you opened up a Pandora's box here dude. Here is some more fuel to the fire - seriously - and no need to respond (it may be safer) If you are an expat are you thinking of taking this girl "back home" with you someday or only as a companion for your time here? Remeber, she may be thinking the same thing too - in fact she may not want to keep you all that long, strangely women seem to think the same as men.
Many of us men have thought/done it - and are asked regualarly if we have by our friends back home. Think long and hard about that - and the rest don't judge - us guys have a hard time with that type of peer pressure. If the answer is "only while I am here" you need to live with it, chalk it up to some funny anecdotes or cut her loose. I dated a very universaly lovely local Chinese girl but the tarantualas under her arms did her in as a long term relationship for me.
If it for the long haul I think everyone here has made the choice for you - with good reason.
Remeber divorce is expensive and Hello Kitty could turn into Dragon Lady real quick!
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trix
18 yrs ago
I don't know why this always has to be a racial issue. Even among the Chinese, there are the traditional and westernised, and both groups may not get along even if they're the same race. Personally I wouldn't even go out a second time with someone who burps or slurps at the table because I find it repulsive and low class (sorry if I'm too frank).
I think brillphoto got it right- we don't necessarily have to get serious about people we date and for marriage material, the person must fit into our family life/social circle. Marriage is not about two people only, contrary to what some people may say.
It's also true that cultural differences can be interesting of course. But it's often a strain as well, leading to many small quarrels. And if you've been brought up in a certain way, it's often hard to change some habits that others consider unsavoury. It's not about blind acceptance, but about knowing what is important to you in a relationship and disregarding the more minor problems.
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...tarantulas under the arms...LOL
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trix
18 yrs ago
Electrode, you have misunderstood me. I'm not saying that being Westernised is better. I'm saying that I was brought up this way and my partner has to fit in with my family and friends. Burping and slurping might be accepted, even expected, among the traditional Chinese. But that would be greeted with horror in my circle. The cultural differences are just too wide to be bridged and really, why chose someone you'd be embarrassed by and have to defend to everyone you've grown up with? It's much easier and healthier to pick someone without such issues so you can focus on what's really important in a relationship.
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