Posted by
rats
18 yrs ago
Have to vent.
How would you feel if your male friend suddenly tells you ‘I am done with hanging out with you’ by sms?
Let me put the long story short: met my male colleauge, got along well with each other, had lunch daily and hanged out together with friends (either his or mine) from time to time during the week/weekend after work.. He had a crush on me (kind of) in spite of knowing the existance of my boyfriend/finace (LDR) and my not-that-conventional-set of morals. I was confused but kept my head cool at the end. Both thought should handle the whole issue as adult and remain friends, so we keep hanging out together, everything seems fine and suddenly I got this message the next day after we hanged out with a bunch of friends.
I feel like being betrayed by a friend...
Am I being insensitive and too self-centred or is he being a baby? Should I ingore him completely in the future? It’s kinda tough as we see each other everyday at work.
Thanks for the advice~~
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rats
18 yrs ago
PB, I could have, but NO, I did not sleep with him. But as I was confused with my feelings, I did kiss him, not once, but twice.
I stated my values and rules pretty clearly and it's all up to him to remain friends or not. He said yes and suddenly it becomes a 'no' for no reasons? I have done nothing wrong nor misled him after those kisses happended a month ago. Things just seems normal.
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rats
18 yrs ago
mpl- If I do not consider him as friend, I would not have even started this thread and asked for advice. :) He could have been one of my flings, but as I do cherish our friendship, I did not put him in that position. Meanwhile, isn’t there this saying like ‘you don’t sh*t where you eat’? And I can’t agree with it more.
I did consider him as a potential good friend of mine. In terms of using him/taking advantange of him, I seriously do not think I have done anything alike. (of course, maybe I am not in the best position to judge). We did talk about the whole thing openly as we have been going back and forth about how to handle our ‘friendship’. And the conclusion was that we keep hang out and it is ok as we are ‘mature’ enough to put everything under control. Well, it seems it doesn’t turn out the way we expect.
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rats
18 yrs ago
mpl- I understand your point totally, guess I know the reasons then. I am not shaking off my responsibilities for the whole situation.
Just thought he would be different and can handle it as he seems understand me so well and never judges me.
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rats
18 yrs ago
chat noir - don't think that's the case, probably it's more about male ego issue as mpl commented.
mpl- instigator ? I can take it, as I have been one in my entire life, it's in my blood ;) Just getting tired of the situation. Maybe after all it is the best to let go. I mean, what's the point to dig into it? So that I can post another thread here asking for advice?
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rats
18 yrs ago
PB- I do have a choice of choosing ignoring him totally or not as he won’t/can’t (at least at this stage) completely ignore me. I could trash him (which, of course I won’t do), ignore him OR (at best) try to find a way to help him get over the situation so that we can remain friends.
As said, I am not trying to finding excuses but stating facts. Wasn’t that his option to stay after I put all my cards on the table? I wasn’t sure temporarily and therefore I gave him some wrong signals that I admit. But I tried to keep my cool and did not make mistakes again in the past month. Truth is, I am just human and have feelings, too. So it is logical that I was a bit confused at the beginning when someone can communicate so well with me and with whom I could just talk non-stop with, isn’t it?
He had, has and will have the choice. But I am still allowed to express the shock I have, ain’t I? It’s a pity to lose him as a friend just because the chemistry there isn’t mutual.
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Fantastic you think trashing him is also one of your choices.
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and mpl my guess is she's not only out kissing other blokes but something much more. she did mention this guy could have been one of her flings but she simply didn't sh*t where she ate.
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rats
18 yrs ago
MC JUNG - read carefully and you will realise trashing him is NOT my choice. The 'don't sh*t where you eat' comes second when it comes the the friendship. If I did not give a damn about the friendship and just want a fling, the 'don't sh*t where you eat' rule will be NOTHING. If you know me well enough.
mpl- I am not out there to kiss blokes. I was just out there having fun. But I admit I was being insensitive and probably gave my friend a hard time. Ok, that is clear. I will prevent that happening again. As to my LDR, mpl, I sincerely thank you for your advice. I am doing ok, if you read the other thread at the women section, you will know things were really rocky esp one month or so ago but now everything's ok.
PB - why do you keep being harsh? I am fine with it. Just don't draw your conclusion before you know me or the situation. I never play mind-games nor putting honey trap, I am no maneater! You have never met someone that you have so much to share with and yet have no desire to develop a more intimate relationship with him/her nor to bed him/er?? And that is my case, I did kiss him and I made a mistake. It is irreversable. You never kissed someone and yet remained just friends afterwards just because you two realised even more that the chemistry wasn't there after getting to know each other more?
p.s. I know it's difficult to talk with the tongue down their throats, therefore I only talk to them before and after. :p
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It is just too painful for him to keep on being friends with you because he cannot help hoping that you'll change your mind and see him as a lover or boyfriend.
So, as long as he still has feelings for you, don't hope to be 'real' friends as it would be unfair to him and painful as well.
Maybe he'll change his mind once he gets over the disappointment/heartache but for the time being it's best to give him the space that he is clearly asking for.
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rats
18 yrs ago
mpl- Thanks. Talked yesterday and yet did not really have a conslusion. Seems the guy has some other issues going on and said he was just weak when he texted me. The fact that we work together makes the situation a bit akward. Any suggestion?
Tiger01- I hear you. How did you get over it? So there is no way you can befriend her?
What would you suggest me to do then? As mentinoed, the fact that we work together and see each other everyday makes the situation a bit diffcult. We can’t simply ignore each other, can we? And yet I know it is being insensitive if we remain friends at current stage without giving him the space to get over the situation. Any idea?
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rats
18 yrs ago
balzac - you are so right. so I try to keep things to minimal.
aspect - I don’t play with feelings. There is not one second in your life that you are being deceived/misled by your feelings? And if you read carefully, I am not asking for ‘kissing friends’ It was history. You just can’t give people a chance to make thing right, can you?
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rats
18 yrs ago
Tiger01 - Of course I follow, you read my mind in a way. And same thing would happen even my bf were local. I treat male and female friends equally well and I still would have misled him. But yes, the weak emotional part and the kisses could have been avoided.
6-month is long! Well, as said, we can’t just ignore each other. So, tiger, will that make the ‘recovery’ process longer than that? And I can’t agree with you more regarding the fact that he will find himself dumb liking me as there is nothing good about me.
Aspect - You haven’t read the threads well, have you? He was not, is not and will not be a secret lover. As a matter of fact, bf does know my values and situations in general. He understands and (of course not happily) takes it. As to this particular situation, he also experienced what happened and trusted me the same thing won't happen again, so it is ok that he let me hang out with guys. So I am lucky to have it all in a way. But it doesn’t mean I am fooling around.
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certain men and women cant be 'just friends' one will always have feelings for the other one and it will never be fixed, even if either or both of you supress those feelings to remain friends, you get together for a couple of drinks and the next thing you know, your kissing again...
its really sad because i'm sure you want to be friends with him like you were but maybe you'll have to face the fact that you can be civil to eachother and friends at work but you need to lose contact socially as these problems will keep coming up.
if he cant spend time with you because he really likes you but knows he can never have you and its not his fault that he feels that way, he cant control it. let him do what he needs to do to get over you...
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rats
18 yrs ago
Tattooedblonde - your comment remains objective and to-the-point. Guess I have to cut the social bond as you said. Thanks for the advice.
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