Posted by
Imma Star
18 yrs ago
I don't understand people who enter a bf/gf relationship that both parties know won't last. How can you care about someone and invest so much, knowing that it's doomed from the outset? Flings or one-nighters I get, but this baffles me.
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It's all about companionship. And some people don't like flings or one-nighters, and would rather have someting more romantic or at least more stable, even if in the end you know it won't work.
Stability has serious advantages, as does monogamy. Just always keep yourself prepared for the inevitable... carry your things in a suitcase, so to speak...
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Sure there's stability and good times, but what's the point if neither is in it for the long haul? So the burning question remains - can you genuinely care and feel for someone, or in other words give your 100% if you know he/she isn't 'the one'?
I've been in a situation like this for a few weeks now and am really starting to wonder why...
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If you feel like giving your 100% and feel that the person isn't "the one", have you asked yourself why that is?
And you can learn lots about yourself/your needs/your wishes/men(or women) in general, etc... through short relationships, where you put a substantive amount about yourself and aren't cynical.
As long as you know from the start it's not "the one" (and who knows anyway), then you're not kidding yourself, so what's the harm. You feel like living it to the full for what it is, good for you. Honesty towards yourself is paramount, and of course, though i'm not saying spelling out to the guy you don't give a damn about a shared future, but you don't need to say the opposite either, just don't hurt him if he seems clearly more serious.
Plus, your not feeling like it's "the one" but still putting a lot in it could be a sign that you're only in a defensive mode when you state "he's not the one" so promptly, therefore, nothing tells you that this could not indeed turn into "the one" after all.
I don't believe in necessarily knowing straight away that a person is "the one". You can be surpised by him, and more to the point, you can be surprised by yourself...
I'd say, go for it, you don't sound naive... Different relationships brings different good things.
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Insecurity breeds all sorts of ill decisions. Oddly enough, people might stay in relationships they know are wrong for the same reasons they eat entire boxes of Godiva that they know have no health benefit. It's there and it feels good for the moment.
One can also rationalize...Milk chocolate has milk so it must be a dairy product. This person feels okay for now, maybe the relationship will surprise me in time.
Worst case of insecurity...maybe this is the best I can do.
Not condoning, jut working through the possible thought processes. I agree you can learn a lot about yourself even through wrong relationships, assuming you are truly trying to "do right by the person" and not telling them you're in love when you're not.
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We aren't talking wide eyed "I want to find my soulmate" who will believe anything yeah? Simply one party is hoping that the "no hope/future" situation might change because they really care, have it in them and the other goes along with it because it's convenient and they aren't the one night stand sort. A bit like what poor man says.
If you are in it Imma Star not a good idea to give 100%, but nothing wrong with being hopeful as long as it's not the be all and end all. You never know.
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This is indeed interesting discussion.
As everybody says --- who knows there's no future at the beginning? When passion runs high, basically all of us will be taken over by chemistry.
After the relationship progesses, your gut feeling will tell you whether you've found your soulmate or there's an inbalance of care and love. In my case, as soon as I am absolutely convinced that something is not quite right, I start to detach myself from my partner and try to suggest being friends. It's not easy but do-able.
Many might think that my approach is far too rational. Well, the longer you stay in a relationship that'll not have any future, the most damage you'll do to yourself and the other party. This rule of course doesn't apply to those who are looking for shor-term relationship only!!!
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But why stay with someone who doesn't rock your world?Fear of being alone?The world is a big place and the beach is full of pebbles and finding a diamond is rare.I for one would not compromise.
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travelinteacher, like your Godiva analogy. Am not a chocolate fan but it makes sense. In fact, it describes perfectly this mire I'm stuck in.
We both know and have said we’re not destined to marry. When he talks about the future, I'm not in it. I'm more open than he is for this to progress into something more serious, but he's made it blatantly clear that he's not. On the flip side, I know he's not good for me in the long-run because I don’t trust him (he’s the Bill Clinton charismatic type). Yet I really enjoy spending time with him and find myself wanting more from him, and on my part, wanting to give more emotionally. I just can’t stop wondering what I’m in this for. I have girl friends who don’t mind being in dead-end relationships like this and thought I could handle it too but it’s proven quite challenging.
So now the next burning question is, should I really let this go? I genuinely enjoy spending time with him, and like ahacha pointed out, have been learning a lot about myself and life in general (I mean dealing with this itself is a learning experience). Also to put it tamely, we’re very attracted to each other physically. But to know the ending after turning the first few pages is admittedly dispiriting.
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Life is a journey it's not the end that matters but how you live it.So you hit a wall and nowhere to go it doesn't mean it's dead end just reality bites.
Get some distance from this guy and see if your feelings change or go straight for the kill and tell him what you want/what you think/what you should do? OK it's Aussie straighforward but if you're clinging to deadwood you have to reach your safe bank not tread water.Don't waste his time and yours.
I'm a little confused here though.You flipped a few pages saw the end but yet you talked about marriage?You are open to something more serious but he's made it clear he's not?
You have many insecurity problems here which you need to resolve.Have a heart to heart with this guy maybe he's feeling much the same as you are then make a decision.
As for milk in Godiva chocolate being good for you,well I'm lactose intolerant so I always read the ingredients on the pack before I buy.....
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Agree with momo8. Also when I was talking about future, I was referring to a lasting and fulfilling relationship. Not necessary marriage.
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I totally agree with mpl.
It now clearly appears to me that this "no future" is not something coming from within yourself but rather imposed by the fact that this man has clearly stated that he isn't in it for the long term. And you're trying to adapt around it.
At least he's not leading you on and you sound like you're not really trying to lie to yourself about it, but just struggling to accept it entirely. The best thing you can do is listen to and hear what he's saying (which you've done), and take it as the firm basis on which considering and establishing if you can be satisfied and fulfilled with the limited things he has on offer for you. If you ever reach a stage of demanding more, after throwing yourself in it fully, he's in a position to say "I never lied to you, I had told you", and he would be right.
It is difficult (is that even possible at all??) to control and limit the desires you may have about a relationship when you love the person. You have needs and desires to be fulfilled, and that will always win in the end, I think. I mean even if you control/ignore them for a while just to stay in the relationship out of love for the person, eventually you'll want your needs cared for too. They will remind themselves to you.
So best to stay focused on yourself and what you look for in a companion that suits you. This relationship is only ok for you if your needs are matching what he has on offer.
But it sounds like you're in different places in your respective lives, and there's nothing much to be done about that, no one's fault.
I shouldn't be surprised that you don't trust him: this would obviously be there if anything else because of the very nature of your unbalanced relationship: you're the one who can be hurt, he's much less in that position...
That's only my feeling through reading your last post...
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It's obviously going to end. In those circumstances, I find there comes a time when I actually start dreading seeing him (or he feels that way about me) yet there feels like an obligation exists since you're used to doing certain activities together.
I tend to think it will fizzle. My biggest question is: How can you keep it to a fizzle so that it doesn't end up crashing and burning? If you two have been honest to this point about there being no future, it might be a safe (though dreaded) discussion to have. The sooner the better.
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Momo – you know, I’ve wondered whether this is a case of insecurity but I can’t quite put my finger on what exactly I’m insecure about. And even if it’s identifiable, what’s the remedy?
Ahacha - you’re right on on so many things. We are in different places in our respective lives, I do have needs and desires to be fulfilled, and I am in a more vulnerable position than he is. Deep down I know those are jointly basis to let him go, but it’s vexing knowing how some people can play this sort of game but I can’t. How do people keep emotionally distant from their bf/gf and not want it to last? And dare I ask…how can he?
mpl – your comments are very constructive, thanks. Don’t mind the doom and gloom, it matches the weather. Needed those views anyway to clear off the dirt on my rose-tinted glasses anyway.
Travelinteacher – I don’t dread seeing him. Always look forward to it because like I said, they’re happy times – which makes it that much harder to let go.
Letting go of a biting reality bites.
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I'm really glad you still like seeing him and it is mutual. My prediction is that a time will come where that is not true. I hope I'm wrong and will be happy to concede if my prediction turns out to be bunk.
Good luck and let us know how it goes.
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