Posted by
Fina
18 yrs ago
Does anyone out there have principle of not having sex before married? Is this a no-no for today's world? (call me silly, and even laugh about it) How about if a bf want to break up because he can't deal with that principle? Sex is important, I agree, but it's not all about sex, isn't it. If you are good together, you can work the things out, right? How to keep the relationship?
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I think that you can be just as committed to someone without marriage. Although the "no sex before marriage" rule stands high moral ground, it is quite an old fashioned way to look at things now days.
Many of you may not agree with this, and perhaps I am sinical to have this view; however after having seen my parents break up and many of their married friends throughout the years, marriage in my opinion is just a piece of paper. I can hear some of you yelling at me through the computer saying that it is a life long committment, and that it's special and a symbol of uniting two people in love, but I can't see why people can't have a life long committment without the marriage part.
In this light, sex is an important part of any relationship; however I think it is completely up to the individual as to when is the right time to "give in". I don't really think marriage should have anything to do with it.
Sorry guys and girls - I in no way mean to offend anyone in this post.
I await all your refutes :-(
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Fina
18 yrs ago
Thank you all for prompt responses. Nice to see other people opinions. I like your idea, Chat Noir, sex after commitment. Now the story is how to maintain the commitment. I am just thinking, if one has position that having sex is one way of expressing one's feeling/love, one can do it with other person even though he/she has commitment (marriage or in relationship)to someone else. What can guard us then? Ladybird, I agree with your theory "when is the right time to give in". I think, even though one doesn't have principle to wait until married, but sometime people need to wait before they do it. Btw, how to fix the problem to keep the relationship? Telling the partner to give little time before the other ready to give in (of course, I am not talking about waiting until get married)? How to communicate that the other partner is willing to work on this while the partner got frustated already since he/she feels this is a dead end?
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There are two practical problems with avoiding sex before marriage. One is that you may find yourselves not very compatible sexually, and that incompatibility can eventually lead to infidelity and breakdown of the marriage.
The second practical issue is that if one or both partners has avoided sexual experience prior to marriage, at some point in their lives, they may develop a curiosity, that can also lead to infidelity. I have seen this happen.
For men it often means visiting prostitutes. For women it sometimes means picking up guys in bars or online to "experience what they've missed" by having had only one man in their lives.
I honestly believe that not the religious, but modern "moral" objection to premarital abstinence originated in the minds of men who were afraid that they would compare infavorably when bedroom skills were compared.
From the religious point of view, premarital abstinance originated in the biological reality of sexually transmitted disease, and was laid in concrete because of religion's dependence on the institution of holy "marriage" amongst believers to strengthen a congregation's economy by producing offspring to be raised within that faith. As with most "rules" in religion, there is usually an underlying economic explanation.
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To Fina,
The question of premarital sex is entirely dependent upon each individual's beliefs and values. The fact that he wants to end the relationship with u after knowing that u wont have sex with him clearly has shown his true colors. He's not worth it babe, coz he doesnt respect who u are and what u believe in.Most important thing of being in a relationship is to be yourself and do not ever let yourself change for other person.
Cheers
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Hi Ladies and Gents,
Just came across these quotes - thought they might be appropriate here...what do you think of them??
Success in marriage does not come merely through finding the right mate, but through being the right mate. ~Barnett R. Brickner
Chains do not hold a marriage together. It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads which sew people together through the years. ~Simone Signoret
One advantage of marriage is that, when you fall out of love with him or he falls out of love with you, it keeps you together until you fall in again. ~Judith Viorst
A man marries to have a home, but also because he doesn't want to be bothered with sex and all that sort of thing. ~W. Somerset Maugham
It is not marriage that fails; it is people that fail. All that marriage does is to show people up. ~Harry Emerson Fosdick
God created sex. Priests created marriage. ~Voltaire
Comments???
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Hah... you can tell by what I've written above and my comments elsewhere that I prefer the Voltaire quote.
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think further, i'd ask will you fall in love with someone has no leg(s), blind or deaf? too extreme?!!! how about, will you fall to someone who's smart but a little loss temper, handsome but shallow, wealthy but stingy....they all probably have their another half. I don't think you're silly but just need someone who's compatible to your love life.
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abcd1234twinkle,
It's a figure of speech.
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I'm divided on this but if you stand on the high moral ground then what can you achive?Lead us not into temptation because we are already there?If you realy want to abstain think how you are torturing and tempting this poor guy you say you love him and you want him to committ?
What makes you think once you are married he will stay loyal to you if you are like this?To him you are the 'good girl' 'good wife' but he will always treat you with respect and not with passion.Very boring.If you love someone and I will get slammed by the religious and cultural posters here express yourself a little more don't be so physically constipated that you can't have sex with your intended husband before marriage.It is as someone pointed out a piece of paper not a license to have sex.
Spiritual and emotional stuff aside you are not a 'bad girl' if you have sex before marriage it's a bond between two people who love each other and in your case it is not just lust.
Give this poor guy a break he is tortured take it slowly and as mpl sugested talk to others but they will say it's peer pressure whatever so I would listen to your guy.
What will he do after you are married and he wants sex and you don't?All kinds of pressures there too.Better find out now BEFORE you commit.
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I'm all for exploring the motivation behind abstinence. Each person comes with a set of core values where, if they act contrary to those values, they either end up becomeself-destructing.
If abstinence is truly a core value for you - whether it be religious, moral, or otherwise, I suggest you choose to ONLY date any others who hold this same core value. Otherwise you are "giving in". I DO believe that sex can be an expression of love for men - and if he feels you are "giving in" you are cheating him as well as yourself.
If your abstinence is fear-based, some professionals (or perhaps a good journal) can help you decipher whether the fear is physically or emotionally based.
The sooner you can figure out the motivation behind the desire for abstinence, the sooner you can share with your bf and the less frustrated he will be.
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Hood
18 yrs ago
Petting is one way of releasing the urges w/o actually doing the 'do'. If you do not believed in sex b4 marriage, make it known. For every 10 bad apples, there is 1 good one.
Trust me, not all guys wants sex b4 marriage.
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To be perfectly truthful, I would be a little concerned if a man didn't want sex before marriage. There's always the concern that he has issues, ie, is he gay? Does he have some kind of pedestal infatuation? I know this viewpoint will probably anger a few people, but it's just a personal viewpoint.
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I wonder how you keep it up, I mean unless you get married within the year, if you are in love and spend all that time together, within the year there are going to be so many occasions where you are going to have to break the mood... if you know what I mean. I think the first remark was the right one, wait untill you get a real commitment, but then again what is that?? He buys you a pair of shoes, he takes you out, he says he wants to marry??? No way of telling so you just have to wait him out, I propose the three month rule, try to avoid sex for three months, if it is really hard but he understands it is good, if he doesn't dump him, if it is never hard, dump him too he has got issues.
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He buys you shoes? Are they M&S or Christian Louboutins? It matters because this could take it to a whole new level......
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my point of view is you do not need to be committed if you want sex, There are some circumstances that you will be attracted to one another that will lead to sex, On the other this all depends on the individuals mind and heart.
I believe that there is one side of us saying sex with the person you love is great- and another side saying having sex with this sexy guy would be goodah! It reminds me of Al Pacino line - when in doubt - f....
happy holidays, folks!!
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