Posted by
honkie
18 yrs ago
age doesn't matter but personality?!
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maybe this person is considerate, tender, loving, patient and always pays attention to your existance.
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I once dated a guy who is almost 20 yeas older than me. I stayed with him for about 4 months. The reasons are: (1) he looked after my needs; (2) he was funny; (3) he treated my daughter like his own; (4) he gave me priority.
We then broke up. The reasons are: (1) I am dynamic but with his age he didn't want too many changes in his life any more; (2) he was messsy (this is fine with me) and couldn't cope with my super-organizational skills; (3) I was too smart for him to manage.
So, the result is that he started to date someone who is even younger than me, hoping that she would be easier to manage :). And, I decided that I'll not date anyone who is 10 years or more older than me!
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i dont see it that way- in my case i think it's due to lack of affirmation from my parents, lack of strong and nurturing father figure. (my amateur psychoanalysis here).
I find I have always been drawn to men who are wise,assuring, calm, dependable and in control. I didnt realise it until a friend pointed out to me that I have a father figure complex (is there such a thing). Wealth is not an issue for me, as long as it doesn't mean living on the streets and begging for my next meal
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now i bite to as it is Friday and this is CN's threat for the Friday isn't it!
so after deep thinking about 008's comment "taken care of my needs" (wonder what they are other then $$$$) and CN's self definition over other peoples wealth...
my answer is yes date even older guys and have a deep grip into their pockets whilst pretending to be just in love and wanting nothing else then cuddling with daddy...
this is not sarcastic!!! go on do it and date them for their wisdom and calmness... older men are smart enough to not feel ripped... ever crossed your mind that they are paying for your "service"!
yup tragic! pretty, smart girls and all they achieve in life is becoming "suggar daddy girlies"...
and yup: there is such thing as a father complex! in more severe cases even granfather complexes!
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they know women much more than young boys and they are more patient and gentle than younger guys
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Roxy dream girl... do not forget this is our Friday wind up! CN is very good in this!
... just think of a bitchie colleague parading her new prada's and give it a go!!!
I'll promisse to never buy you anything other then dinner and flowers!
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my instinct tells me bloody expensive! but maybe you can convince me of your values and I still might sign!
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trix
18 yrs ago
Classic lines from chat.
"Though a woman myself, I have to admit that to some extent, we are dependent on men to define us, to bring meaning to our lives."
So without a man, you don't know who you are and your life has no meaning?
"Older men, with his wisdom and wealth seem to be ideal to take this role"
I'm appalled to hear this. If money is so important, have you ever considered that a man doesn't have to be old to be rich?
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if meet her never tired talk with her.and always like watch her.that's what u want .ago dosen;r matter la
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trix
18 yrs ago
chat, may I offer one advice- self-insight is key to personal growth. It is only after you've figured out what you want, what works for you and what doesn't, what you're willing to accept and what you won't, that you will start having better relationships.
If you always leave it to others to define who you are and how they should treat you, you will never find happiness.
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Hi Chat,
To many readers disgust here, I'm afraid I agree with you. My bf is just over 10 years older than me, and I like it that way. He is more mature and (I know this is really stereotypical and I apoligise) I can have good conversations wtih him about "intelligent" matters (if you get my drift). It's not just all about going out and getting drunk (although we do that too). However, a quiet weekend with movies and dial-a-dinner is great too. I seem to have this view that younger guys wont be able to tend to my needs (both sexually and emotionally) and that an older guy who has had more life experience will in turn be more open to deal with a relationship in a more mature manner and to take care of me. I have read some people in this thread say that we should define ourselves etc., and I agree with that in every way. I am of the opinion that if people don't like who I am then that is entirely their problem; however being defined is different to being cared for and looked after (I don't mean daily things like getting to work etc.) What I mean is that there is something about older men that makes me feel loved by a "strong" figure who, in a way, wont let me come to any harm. I hope this makes sense. I totally acknowledge that I may have offended some lovely Asiaxpat users here, and I apoligse for that in advance. However, Chat, I totally agree with you, hun!
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mpl and trix, I really am with you both on this one.
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I have experienced a man 11 years older than me, who was very nice and caring, and crazy about me, but also... very immature, so I'd have been the mum/the older of both.
Basically age doesn't always relate to maturity, far from that.
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trix
18 yrs ago
ahacha, nice to know someone holds the same opinion :)
In general, older people are wiser, but not always. I've gone out with my share of older men. One of my ex boyfriends was 11 years older and in his late 30s when I met him. He still didn't understand relationship basics like how to be considerate to the other party, compromise/negotiate or argue in a healthy manner.
Another guy I met sometime was was 6-8 years older and in his mid 30s. He's had a string of short-term relationships and i realised why- he always rushed into them without really getting to know the other party first, or even, what he wanted. He was also pretty self-absorbed (whenever he spoke about something, he could only see it from his own perspective), criticial by nature, and negative (he actually said he didn't believe in happiness!). I didn't feel calm around him, or nurtured, but more stressed.
I don't think we should generalise but rather consider it on a case-to-case basis.
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Two comments here. (1) not all girls who go out with an older guy are using HIS money. I paid for all of the fancy dinner when were were going out as he needs to pay a huge allowance to his ex and sons. (2) not all older men are wiser. I thought so at one time but experience told me I was very wrong.
The conclusion is: Wisdom and intelligence don't always go with age. If you happen to meet an old and wise one, you are lucky so hold on to him!!!
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trix
18 yrs ago
Good grief Chat. Talk about generalisations.
"I just think older men's wisdom and wealth are exactly an important part of what women crave for to define their lives"
Stop, you're beginning to sound like the bad stereotype of Shangainese women that is condemned around in this forum. I'm almost afraid you're serious. You've made a number of posts on how you'd pay on the first date and don't date guys for money. Now which is the real Chat?
And do women really find jobs to find the kind of partners they want? Or adopt their partner's hobbies, lifestyle and beliefs? How sad. So when their partners leave them, they lose everything, become bitter and depressed or even kill themselves. Is this really the kind of life you want, Chat?
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trix
18 yrs ago
Chat, some, not all, women are sad. Some women are happy being sad and insist on staying that way.
I got the impression from your other posts that a man's wealth is not important to you and you would be happy to pay your own way. Is this a mistaken impression?
http://singapore.asiaxpat.com/forums/relationships/threads/89278.asp
"hei.... you gals!!! though being tight is not a virtue, i dont see it as a problem spliting bills.."
"What is most outstanding here: sharing the bills and the definition of gentleman.
A gentleman is someone who respects and cares, not someone who pays! Gal, let me ask you a question, if a man says "I am sorry that I can not send you home, I give you 100 and please take a taxi home", what do you feel??
I feel great when I pay for the man! my ex and I used to live together but we seperated every single bill from utilities to even bread and water. I never feel it as an issue."
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trix
18 yrs ago
Well Chat, I try to think the best of people whenever I can and remembered you positively as one of the few who's happy to pay her own way during dares. It's a shock not to mention disappointment to hear you say repeatedly in this thread the opposite- how important a man's wealth is to you and that's why you go for the older guys. I'm not sure how much I'll believe your posts again in the future.
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Wow. This thread has gone in a lot of directions. As I was reading, I was thinking...
No, I do not let relationships define me. At the same time, some relationships have been a "mirror" of sorts. When I look back at things I said and did (many of them very unwise), I learned a great deal about myself and what I really want.
Even more, I have learned new hobbies from people I dated. I learned to ski, to appreciate country music (who would have guessed???), to enjoy art museums, to play pool, poker, and golf. I was introduced to cuisines I hadn't thought of trying. One even taught me how to make a budget so that I could independently pay off some silly debts. My current beau is convinced I will grow to like Vegemite... Some of those things I liked more than others. I wonder if that is what chat is getting at.
In the process, I learned to find some older men quite attractive - not for their financial position, but for their stage in life.
At one stage in life, men (and women) are focusing most on their career and setting themselves up vocationally and financially. During this stage, there are some exceptional people who can also focus well on a relationship - listening to their partners and looking out for their needs (I'm thrilled to have found one of those!). I never knew the balance sheets of those I dated who were 10+ years older. I didn't care. What I enjoyed was that they had already "conquered the world" and had grown to appreciate the simple smiles and conversations over glasses of wine. It might be an interesting informal study to see the frequency with which younger and older men check their blackberries during dinners and social events.
I go back to my consistent premise that there are some great men in Hong Kong. I think the real jewels are the ones who can appreciate the relationship and make time for it amongst the hectic HK pace. Some might be your age. Some might be younger. Many of them may be older.
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A bit younger, a bit older, as long as both are happy and honest about their aspirations for the future then there should not be a problem, really.
Moreover, there are really particular age ranges which should often be avoided in general due to some crazy behaviour, applies to both genders.
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Chat may well be capable of the logical supposition that neither wisdom nor wealth necessarily accompany age. But there is clearly something within her subconscious psyche that is whispering in her ear, "Older men are wiser and richer. And that means more security." And she is unable to ignore those rumblings.
What she fails to realize is the clearest piece of logic: Older men getting to a new relationship at this point in their wizened old age have clearly failed in the relationship business in the past.
As have I. Sigh.
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... and as I still belief this is chat's friday wind up may I help all those super organized, and in constant need to analyze everything, with a simple math a friend of mine is strictly adhering to:
1/2 the man's age + 7 years = perfect girls age
that should help chat to date a 34 year old (if she indeed 23) and explain one other poster here why her ex is dating a younger chick now.
So beware young girls. to some men even much younger women have a calculated shelf life!
... may that be why, btw, women lie about age... :)
... arghhhhhhh back to feeling insecure, he!
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chat_noir, I understand your points. Nothing is absolute. When we say older men tend to be wiser and more mature, we don’t mean EVERY older man. It’s all about relativity. It is a fact that IN GENERAL MOST of older men are wiser and more mature than younger men. Also, when you’re talking about women being defined by men, it is to CERTAIN EXTENT as well. Again, IN GENERAL there’re more women who more or less think of dressing up for men or at least sometimes they do, than women who never dress up for men. There’re also more men who are attracted to a more feminine woman, and the stronger-minded or more muscular a woman is, the less a man would find her sexy - though I’m sure there’re men out there that like strong-minded women.
So, whoever here objects to others’ opinions, please read the lines one more time before you say something absolute.
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