Posted by
_Argus__
18 yrs ago
I've searched the forums but couldn't find a relevant topic previously posted. If you know of one please give me the link or share your opinion on this topic. This may be way too classic situation but the first for me so I could really use some advice. Some of you might have actually had been through it.
I've been dating this girl, the sweetest I've ever met. She's separated, husband won't divorce, needs to wait another year to get it done solo. She's got a 3 yr old kid. Says doesn't love husband anymore and he used to beat her and so on. She got pregnant when she was 20 and because of that they got married. Then husband got jealous and violent. I'm 27, she's 24. I'm looking for a LTR and hopefully having kids of my own. One would logically think that her daughter will be part of her life for the rest of their lives. Adding kids of our own and this remorse of leaving her daughter with half a family feels very odd. I love her and don't want to give up on her but yet would it be selfish of me for my own happiness ignoring all these obstacles? I'm thinking of asking her to try to reconcile with her husband and not to let her daughter to grow up without a whole and happy family. She, herself grew up in a family with divorce. I'm confused and friends around suggesting the same and asking me not to be selfish. What would you do if you were in my situation? I'd really appreciate your help. Thanks in advance.
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If you really care about this girl, don't ever try to talk her into mending things with her abusive husband.
It must have taken courage for her to split and because of her daughter, she is still vulnerable.
A kid is certainly better off growing up with only one loving parent than in a full family where they are subjected to violence, either directly or as witnesses.
If you care about making this girl happy, then just be with her. Don't make big plans: you're both young and spending a few years together will be a good experience.
The little kid is young enough to view you as a role model of what a loving man can be. She won't be your daughter but nothing stops you from being a good step dad, or just a friend, depending on what role makes you most comfortable.
It's hard to consider dating seriously someone who already has a heavy past and kids, but I don't think you're expected to become head of a family overnight.
Just take it slowly and see where the wind is taking you! Things should come naturally if you're comfortable; if you feel you have to force yourself into a role you can't assume, then this relationship isn't for you, but whatever you do, don't try to make yourself feel good by patching up a family that is already broken.
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Thank you cycnus and cheerio, that was really kind of you to take time to respond in a detailed manner. I do believe I can make her happy, it's just the name of "step father" that bothers me but I didn't think of being a good friend version. I suppose that'd be wisest thing to do. Thanks again, now I see it from different and much soothing angle. Of course I wouldn't want her to go back to her husband but I just felt I'm obliged to remind her of this option before going any further so that later wouldn't be blamed to take an advantage of woman in rebound.
cheerio, you've got a point there that her ex will be there for very long time and these visiting days can be really gruesome. It takes a lot just to suck it up and watch the man to visit your wife and the kid. I don't even want to think of flaming ashes or so. The case is not unheard of. That'd really be upsetting.
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Dear onefreespirit, I wouldn't be qualified to talk on behalf of all men but you're dead on about me knowing nothing of family because I can't say I grew up in a perfect family. Otherwise I wouldn't bother members of this forum to get some guidance. To answer you, yes I am serious about this girl and she means a lot to me and I do accept everything that goes with her. I'm just worried about her daughter rejecting me later on or her regretting for her emotional choice. Her having a child is not a problem at all for me but I just thought it might be better for her to grow up with her own natural parents. I might be wrong and that's why I'm seeking for different opinions than mine. Once again, thanks for the idea of being guardian, I didn't think of that either and that's why I'm glad that I posted here and got valuable responses in one night only. I am ready for this kind of responsibility and I hope she grows up to understand and value it, instead of disliking me for just being a step father. And I do encourage my girlfriend to keep as a part of our family rather than leaving her in father's custody because I believe there's no such love as a mother's love.
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I've experienced this from both child and adult perspectives. A child is generally very open and adaptable especially when so young, and will bond with pretty much any adult who gives them love and caring regardless of any blood relationship (at least until scarred by a negative experience - and witnessing a violent father would qualify here). Having half a good family is better than having a whole bad family - and besides, with time the kid acquires you and your family as its own, yes?
It's not your place to suggest to your sweet girl that she consider a reconciliation with her husband. Have enough respect for her to make her own choices as to what she wants for herself and her kid, and support her in her decisions.
You say: "I can't say I grew up in a perfect family." Well now you have a chance to provide a stable family based on a loving relationship, and that's gotta be better than a so-called "traditional", but loveless/abusive, marriage. The only selfishness I can see comes from those "friends" (ha!) who try to coerce you and your girl into something destructive for the sake of what? Some kind of twisted morality? The child? Hardly!
I say follow your heart, and give your love to your sweet girl and her kiddie. Best of luck!
AussieFlower.
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Dear all, thank your kind and helpful advice. I feel lot more confident and comfortable now.
Pumpkin, I'll have a look at those readings as soon as the internet gets back on its feet. I tried to google this topic before starting this thread but it seems all websites are unaccessible from HK. I used to teach for 4 years and I'm comfortable with kids, that's why I believe it may work. We do spend time together and everything seems going well. She's has westerner teachers in her kindergarten and wasn't scared of me when we first met. Usually little kids cry in first lessons =)
AussieFlower, I do agree with your objections on twisted morality and find it weird but nevertheless it's part of the culture of my friends. I guess that's why people say that some rules are meant to be broken. It's nice to see that there are still some people who think alike . We'll just try and see how far it goes and hopefully smoothly.
onefreespirit, as I mentioned above we already spend time together and I encouraged her to bring the kid along so that we could get to know each other better. At first she was hesitant that it'd scare me off. But I told that the kid is a part of her and she is a part of me, so we are one in a sense. I hope this goes on as good as it started.
Once again thank you all for posting your opinions. I hope later on other users may find it helpful as well.
All the best to you and Happy New Year.
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suze
18 yrs ago
Some great advice and I actually commend you for trying to figure out the best way to move forward. I think this little girl is lucky to have someone who wants to make her life happy. Good luck.
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I have a daughter and the only girlfriend I've had that she didn't love automatically was the one who didn't make much effort to be a part of her life. Be a part of her life, and she will love you back.
About the other thing...
"If you really care about this girl, don't ever try to talk her into mending things with her abusive husband."
Cycnus (is that pronounced "sickness"?) is right, as others have pointed out!
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May I advise that you and the 24 year old gf enjoy the relationship for now. I believe that both of you are still at a young stage of life . Just ride on with the relationship and whatever circumstances that will come along. Cross the bridge when you get there!Enjoy life, it, it is unpredictable!
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i am not sure if this seems weird, but i am 24yrs old, and my daughter is four years old. also seperated and ex husband was abusive.
the man i was dating left me for exacly the same reasons and it tears me a part till today. i am not back with my ex, and trust me when we say we will never get back with them.
i still think about this man everyday and the saddest thing is that he will never realise this because he came to his own conclusions without realising that maybe infront of him stands someone who loves him more than anyone will ever.
please do not make this same mistake and hurt someone else in the process. to me, it all sounds selfish and lame. if you really love her, the more you would like to get to know more about her and a part of her instead of pushing her away.
cheers dude
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i am not sure if this seems weird, but i am 24yrs old, and my daughter is four years old. also seperated and ex husband was abusive.
the man i was dating left me for exacly the same reasons and it tears me a part till today. i am not back with my ex, and trust me when we say we will never get back with them.
i still think about this man everyday and the saddest thing is that he will never realise this because he came to his own conclusions without realising that maybe infront of him stands someone who loves him more than anyone will ever.
please do not make this same mistake and hurt someone else in the process. to me, it all sounds selfish and lame. if you really love her, the more you would like to get to know more about her and a part of her instead of pushing her away.
cheers dude
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Thanks guys for all of your positive posts. I've decided to give it a go and go on. But recently I found out that she's in contact with her ex bf(the one whom with she cheated on her husband). We talked with her about this matter and it was my only request from her not to contact with him. She said okay but she did it again. Though she says it's over and it was just the matter of money he owed her but it sounds like load of bull crap to me. I contacted him and he's just a pipsqueak and said it's over long ago etc. We had an argument on this topic and it came to the point of breaking up (totally not related to her kid, i'd do the same to the single girl as well) and she's asking for another chance. Despite of my colorful past with girls I've been very faithful in this relationship and I expect the same in return. She's allowed to use my phone, mails, msn and so on. I don't hide anything because I've nothing to hide but I don't get why she lies. She admitted that she lied and she said she didn't think it'd be such a big deal. But I reminded her clearly I told her that it's either him or me on our first talk regarding this matter. The terrible thing is that, the moment I am ready to accept everything and devote myself to someone she does such a silly thing to damage all the trust and goodwill. I simply don't get what's in girls' mind. I told her if you want her just go and be with him, and she cries and says no, wants just me and yet fails to explain why she lied or called him. For me it's not a problem to get a girl and she knows that. I've been the most polite and kind to her among any girl I've dated yet she acts like this. Why things always have to get this complicated?
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Maybe she is not ready to commit to another long term relationship yet! Have you tried to ask her if she is comfortable having you (or any other man, for that matter!) to be her daughter's ''step-dad''?? The thread so far has been only talking about things from your side. Try to look at the situation from her point of view.
Your gf is still very very young and she has already suffered a bad marriage at such an early stage. She maybe too scared to commit but at the same time too much in love with you to let you go. She maybe confused. It is very possible that she has conflicting thoughts. Rather, I think, she must be going through a lot of turmoil.
Maybe you're in a hurry to take this r'ship to the next level. Be patient. Try to talk things more openly in terms of what she wants/what she thinks about the future of her girl.
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On the contrary I'm not in a rush and it's her who's thinking long term and I'm fine with that.
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She told me on our 2nd date and I was totally ok with that. Because I thought I can't be THAT lucky, there must be some kind of "but" =) . I didn't see it deceitful, because I didn't ask and she didn't tell. But when you love someone it hardly matters at all. I wanna be a father anyway, so it'd save me extra 3 years =)
To answer your question, if I love someone, her having a kid would not matter at all for me. I'm a very friendly and tolerant person by nature.
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Thanks JD, everything is going fine and we are moving in tomorrow. So far so good. Let's see how far will it go.
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gwern
18 yrs ago
It's interesting hearing the different points of view. I am a single, independent,young mum with two children. I take my hat off to anyone who is willing to accept me for who I am knowing that I will eventually come as a package. If I was a childless single woman I would think twice before I got heavily involved with a man with children. It cannot be an easy decision to make, being involved with someone who has other major committments and other people who need attention. However, in my experience I know there are people out there who are willing to give it a go. I think the relationship should be entered to on its own merit. Yes there are children involved but they do not need to be part of the relationship from the onset. No child would want men (or women) moving through their lives. When you feel ready to move on to a more committed relationship then the children should become part of it. However it needs to be comfortable for everyone and entered into slowly. If you know that your partner is never going to accept the children, even after developing a relationship, then you do need to seriously consider whether it would ever work....harsh but realistic. Single mums (or dads) are not necessarily looking for a parent for their child or even someone to pay the bills...we are usually able to take care of these ourselves!!
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Dear all,
when reading all the replies, I am a bit missing the responsibility towards the kidz. Especially if the new relationship is in its early stages, I would not involve the kidz too much. They already went through a serious separation! So, if you bond to quickly and the kid really starts liking/loving you (new partner)a second loss could be really terrible. What I mean is, let your new love relationship mature first before the kidz are completely involved. Pino
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gwern
18 yrs ago
I am amazed sometimes at the attitude some people have on this forum. I absolutely agree with Justin. Parents or even single parents are not defined by their children. I have dated a few men and never felt initally there was the need to tell them. Why? I am not inviting them into my home. I am not asking them to take on any responsibility. The situation is not life threatening to them. It is also not something I would hide or keep secret when asked. It is obviously something that will come up if the relationship develops further. If it doesn't develop then there is no need to divulge in the info.
I am also shocked that someone who has brought a child up that is not their own would automatically favour them over their own flesh and blood. Ask adoptive parents if they feel their child does not belong to them. Relationships with someone elses children can take on different views as circumstances will be different (age, other parents involvement etc...) but doesn't make them less of a relationship.
Don't be too quick to judge someone. There are many reasons why people cheat and lie..it doesn't always mean they are untrustworthy in the long run. Self preservation is massive, especially if you are insecure or had a bad experience.
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