Posted by
Jeancj
18 yrs ago
ok, so clearly hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.. the last 3 serious relationships ive had have ended in heartache and wats worse is that theyve always gone one to have other girlfrenz long b4 i wouldve thought were possible and when it doesnt work out for them, whose doorstep do they come knocking on?!?! mine! do i have this sign tatooed on my forehead saying "please hurt me".. i try my best to detach myself from these idiots (of course they werent idiots when we were together :-) and it always backfires.. even when i try to be the bigger person after things havent worked out. u men arent making the transition into singlehood any easier!!
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well since im so far away now, not quite.. more like he wants me to be there while he deals with his broken heart from the girlfrend after me!! the nerve...!
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Let's look at the situation from different perspective. If you broke up with your ex-BF for sounds reasons --- personality clash, different life goals etc, and if you manage to stay being friends with him after the break-up, what's wrong to be there to help him with his broken heard from his next GF?
I tried to be friends with all of my former BFs. Sometimes it doesn't work out as it requires two people to nourish the friendship. One former BF always rings me when he has got emotional problems. That's fine. This means he still trusts me and I simply help him the way I'd help other friends.
As long as you are not sleeping with your ex BFs, I don't see any problems there. So, cheer up and look at the sunny sides of the matter. Good luck!
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its true.. the getting rid of the ex, memories etc is never easy.. so why dont men try to lessen the damage caused by their mistakes by giving us the time and space to get over it.. i dont think ex's can ever really and truly be friends .. there is always a hidden agenda.. those who say they really and truly are friends with their ex's i dont believe you! thats why their called HIDDEN agendas!!
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If you are not ready to stay being friends, tell him to buggar off.
I am sticking to my point of view: if you are mature enough and understand human relationships are not black & white choices, you can manage well to being friends with your ex(s).
I admit that this doesn't happen with all breakups. If one party is still bitter about it (may well be the guy who is still bitter), it won't work. It's a personal choice and require two people's effort to make it work.
The hidden agenda is: there're never too many friends.
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I totally agree with Shan_w. Just ignore it!
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I'm just an individual, with individual feelings that might not match those of others, but I find that once I care for someone with my heart, I will always care for that person.
I've had 3 exes who really hurt me, 2 of them in ways that I think are just unbelievably hate-filled and selfish, yet I still want to be friends with them, because the moment I loved them, I accepted them into my heart forever. My heart may get angry, but it will always forgive, no matter what the crime.
So it tears me apart not to remain friends with an ex. It's almost to the point that I can't handle it... how can we lose the people we love for no good reason? How can people not be able to move on, yet still keep contact? How can people who once claimed to love you "more than anyone else they had ever known" suddenly hate you so much they spread lies about you, and treat you without a trace of kindness should they have the "annoyance" of hearing from you again? Does it really make them feel better?
Why is there so much hate in this world and so little forgiveness? I almost with I HAD cheated on those two exes because at least they'd have a valid reason to hate me.
"I am sticking to my point of view: if you are mature enough and understand human relationships are not black & white choices, you can manage well to being friends with your ex(s)."
This is exactly how I feel.
The hidden agenda is -- sometimes people just care about others. I care about my exes, so I want to stay friends. Maybe your ex cares about you in that way too. It doesn't mean they want A SINGLE THING from you except to know that good times in the past can be cherished and that your future will be a good one.
Blah...
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i dont know.. there are two sides to every coin but sometimes its best to let sleeping dogs lie.. its great that u have it in u to do what u do but to me itd just be a constant reaminder of the pain.. to the extent that id find it easier (or id like to believe itd be easier) to let it go
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So, Jeancj, what do you do if an ex calls you to chat because they miss you or would like to see how your life is?
A) Do you tell them it hurts to be reminded of them and although you cherished the past, you'd appreciate it if they didn't call?
B) Treat them like sh*t and even if they call you only after 6 months, tell them -- rudely -- that they are "bothering" you?
Yes, I'm bitter. :p I just think people can be nicer to others.
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the only reason theyd miss u is coz theyve CHOSEN not to be with u.. its not a question of nicenes and in an ideal world being friends with an ex would be as easy as you make it out to be.. but reality check, asking for time and space to deal isnt being rude.. i think that after alls said and done u have every right to be a little selfish especially if they messed YOU around... its ok to be honest and tell them u need time ..u have that right
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Gee girls. You lost me here. What do you mean "the only reason theyd miss u is coz theyve CHOSEN not to be with u.."?
Do you mean all breakups are due to men's choice? So wrong, so wrong. Many girls chose to break up with their BFs as well. And, in my world (not an ideal world as how you understand), a breakup is always a mutual understanding that we are not for each other. i.e. our luck as couple or lovers has come to an end. So, let's be friends. Isn't this a logical conclusion and a better/less hurtful solution?
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not all break ups are the mans fault.. not at all! but not all break ups are mutual either.. it could be for several reasons that one person wants out and the other doesnt.. lets face it "lets be friends" doesnt always work... (even when we want it to!)
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After 6 months of not a word, saying "f*** off, you're bothering me" at first contact -- or (almost) worse -- not taking the call or answering a message --is not telling them you need time and space to deal. It's being rude.
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well if "being rude" is gonna help u sleep at night then so be it i guess. after all, i dont feel i owe him anything anymore.. not even picking up the phone. and at the end of the day he wont necessarily know im ignoring him... wat he doesnt know, wont hurt him..people like you really are few and far between. if only the world really was like u make it seem... there would be no such thing as break ups!!
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"at the end of the day he wont necessarily know im ignoring him..."
How do you figure?
Being ignored hurts (me) a lot. More than anything else, even, except being lied to. I think people sometimes don't understand how much pain this can cause an individual.
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If he calls and i don't answer, he could conclude i dont have my phone on me or whatever.. hes not immediately gonna think im ignoring him. anyway, thats not the point, the point is, in life u cant ALWAYS be the sacrificial lamb coz like it or not ppl will take advantage of that.. putting your foot down for your own good isnt a bad thing.. and if ignoring sum1 is what 'putting your foot down' entails then so be it!
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I won't hurt nine out of ten people just because I'm afraid of the other one "taking advantage".
I realize that by trusting people, I open myself to being taken advantage of (by a minority). I'd rather give up that layer of protection than give up my trust in people.
You can sometimes be the sacrificial lamb.
And if your ex calls back because he thinks you might not have had your phone with you, what do you do then?
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he'l get it eventually.. sacrificial lamb SOMETIMES yes.. but always .. no! trust in people is great, but to be naive (not saying that u are -but in general) about just what people are capable of - bad idea
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Get what? That he's being deliberately ignored? Aren't you contradicting yourself?
"at the end of the day he wont necessarily know im ignoring him..."
Now, all of a sudden, at the end of the day, "He'll get it eventually".
So how have you spared his feelings, assuming he has them?
And there's a big step between answering a call from someone you once loved, and giving someone your life savings.
Unless it's someone who cheated and lied to you before, and you already know what they're capable of, just answering a call is really a negligible risk (unless you're really really gullible to what they say next) and refusing to take a sincere call can cause so much hurt!
It all boils down to how selfish and unsentimental you are, more than how trusting you are.
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"how selfish and unsentimental you are".. thought id put that in there since ure so good at quoting.. maybe just a little out of order seeing as you dont know me and only know part of the situation. for someone who claims to have such a good heart (or wants to make it seem as such), u really are on a high horse trip.. i dont think anyone is obliged to answer anyone else's calls if they dont feel like it.. and thats pretty much that!
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Sorry... I didn't mean "you" personally... (I've got to watch that)...
But I guess we'll just agree to disagree. :)
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And I'm sorry... I may have been projecting my ex on to you.
Actually only the last one was "selfish and unsentimental". The one before was plain psycho... she did the same thing (cutting off all communications, lying about the facts of the row, etc.) with her own parents!
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Dear Poor man,
I do recognize the same problem, even though I was not really cheated on, nor did I cheat. I just had to move abroad and then the sh*t of course hit the fan, so far in my life that happened 3 times, but the last time was the hardest, that happened about 1,5 year ago, and now only I am getting over it.
It doesn't really help to try to stay friends, coz some people just need the distance to move on and being friends usually closes the gap again, so you start wondering about if and when and that gets you back into the missing, thinking, wondering. Cutting off ties just makes it easier to deal with the situation for some people that is all.
Love is kind of a strong emotion and it is very close to hate, so some people do cross the line very easily....
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thanks for agreeing chris.. you are right.. keeping in touch sometimes makes people harbour feelings of hope.. sometimes it makes moving on harder.. why do that to yourself
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Poor man... No hard feelings .. u keep you have your opinion and I have mine.. thats the way life goes i guess
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