Inlaws from hell

My husband and I have been having problems with his family, inparticular with his parents and it is starting to really affect our marriage. Where should I start? In summary, my inlaws were once wealthy business people who had everything going for them: kids have grown up and most had moved out, several properties and several businesses. One day the daughter catche the dad having an affair with a family friend who was living with them at the time. The mother although knowing about it, was in denial and allowed the mistress to continue living there. Years later, the mistress moved out, they sold a few of their properties and businesses so they could move to the city to start a new and bigger business.


Everything starts to go sour from here onwards. The parents, due to gambling, have lost everything but 1 property which still has a big mortgage over it. The bank was so close to repossessing the house had my husband not lent them some money. I was a bit annoyed as this is not the first time it has happened. In the 8 years we have been married, we have 'lent' them close to HK$700k. Also, the way his parents, especially his mother, deals with the whole situation is starting to drive me crazy. She had kept the bank repossession notice for 2 months before she told anyone about it and by that stage, we had no option but to lend her the money. My mother inlaw has been diagnosed with depression (because of the affair) and is highly suicidal and is a constant liar. In the past she lied to us saying that the business expenses were too high and the business was making a loss (which is not true). She would also have episodes where she would go missing after she has lost alot of money on the pokies, just so that everyone would worry and end up empathasing her. She even at one stage, pointed a kitchen knife at my then 2 year old son, if we didn't stop mentioning money to her! I had a big fight with my husband over this incident and I refuse to leave my kids with her ever again.


My husband has lent them money again (without my approval) in the last month and they were caught at the casino again - which means the money my husband has lent them is now all gone. This obviously got me really upset as we have moved to HK to save some money so we can live a comfortable life when we decide to return home. I only buy the bare basics and my kids only get presents on their birthdays and at christmas. I don't even buy labels anymore. His family never ever calls us unless they need money from us.


Where does my husbands' siblings fit into all of this? His oldest brother is too selfish. He only cares about what is in his best interest. The 2nd brother has got his own marital/financial troubles. I am happy if he doesn't come to us to 'borrow' more money. His sister is also selfish and spends her spare time partying and taking drugs. Everyone brags about how much income they earn, but in the last 8 years none of his siblings has given their parents 1 cent! Each and every time the parents are in financial difficulty, it is always my husband who bails them out. I have made a point to the siblings that they too should help out.


I don't mind helping out his parents if there was a legitmate reason (sickness, theft etc), but not when they have gambled everything away! My husband is always on his parents side when we fight and say that they cannot help what has happened. My husband has also at one stage said that the money he lent them is 'his' and that it was none of my business what he does with the money (I am a stay at home mom and obviously don't earn an 'income' and 'contribute financially' to the family!). He is always making empty threats at them. Once he had threatened them that if they continued to gamble, he would not help them anymore nor would they be able to see the grandkids, and that was 5 years ago! My husband and I only ever fought over petty things like who takes out the rubbish, who's turn is it to cook, etc. But in the last 4 years all we ever fight about is his family (which is every month or so). His parents are nothing but immature and irresponsible people that needs to grow up and take responsibility for their own actions.


Last year I had threatened my husband with divorce as I could not tolerate the way he always puts his family first and the kids and I 2nd place. He promised that he will change and that the kids and I will be his 1st priority. That was the case til the last 2 months when the bank repossession situation came about. I have not spoken to my husband in nearly a month. My husband has mentioned that he wants his parents to move in with us. I pretty much told him that the day his parents moves in, the kids and I are moving out -for good. I know I may be a b**ch, but what mother doesn't put her children as 1st priority considering the dangerous position my kids were in in the past? I have been badmouthed by every member of my husband's family, but they don't look at the fact at who actually has been forking out the money.


I am on the verge of divorcing my husband and have him place all of our assets into a trust fund for our children just so his family cannot get hold of what is rightfully my childrens'! But I still love my husband very much and do not wish for us to end this way. But I know at the same time he will not just let his parents be. What should I do? Any advice would be great.

What a horrid situation to find yourself in... your husband is obviously torn between his duties to both of his families - it's hard for him to turn his back on his parents, particularly if his other siblings won't pick up any of the slack


that said, you can't have your family suffering at the expense of his parents gambling - and his constant bailing out his parents is just feeding their habit - it must almost feel like being married to a gambler


would your husband be open to some couples counselling? you could try St Johns (they aren't religious and work on a sliding financial scale).. at least that way you can try to communicate your fears to each other and work at staying together through this - otherwise, you may have to move out, to shock him into making his choice


it's not easy at all - good luck with it all

You do need to talk to some real people, not just to people here on the forum.


I agree with Kate, St Johns is a good place, with good people. Problems that are shared can sometimes be understood and handled much better, than if we try to deal with them alone.


You are obviously in the middle of making some very important choices - getting some independent help and advice might be good for you, and for those you love.

I really think it's a unmoral thing to do if you ask your husband to choose. Believe me divorce is a very messy process (I have been through it already and i had 2 kids), specially when children are involved. Once you sign the papers your chances of getting back will be extremely low. Besides it'll break him up even more & will affect the children. As for you you'll have to learn to cope with a whole new way of life and timetable. Believe me it gets harder. Try counselling other people and organization like Kate71 & woods99 recomended. Then if it's still as bad as you say maybe a brief separation might help. Leaving your partners during crisis maybe the easiest option but everything has a fine print we all fail to see when we make decisions based on emotions, ego, pride, anger, hate etc. It's like a video game - you rejoice in achieving the next level but you don't know how hard it's going to be until you go through with it. Just remember any decision you make will effect your children and your husband. So do try to think it through before you make a real decision. I do wish you luck.

I am from a mixed marriage (mom chinese, dad western). so understand both cultures. I believe that men (and this only my opinion!!) will tend to side with their family first, especially with the mom. Maybe its the bond that they all have. Then given the asian factor which is very family and "face" orientated (speaking from personal experience). So its almost a double whammy.


I feel for you both as you are in an unwinnable situation unless your husband can realise that really you and your children are his "nuclear" family now not his parents..he may only realise when its too late.


Counselling is the way to go. If you ever need to chat please PM me

Hi Tonnie,


I am not a shrink who can advise you what's the best thing to do, but definitely I can say that I confer with the rest that divorce is the most ugliest thing you can ever get yourself into.


I cannot say that I am in a similar situation, but I too am facing too many problems in my personal and professional life.


I cannot say that my problems are bigger than yours, but I can say that at least you have your kids with you - I don't even get a chance to see my son.


My wife and I have not divorced, but we are living separately. Does it help? It all depends from what perspective you look at it. But sooner or later your husband should realize the real importance of a family.


There could be another solution (which I had given to my wife, but she outrightly refused), so I don't know whether your husband & inlaws would ever consider this. But please do not go wild on me because I don't know your current financial situation. Let your inlaws stay separately and let your husband support them by providing them with a fixed monetary allowance each month. Let your inlaws live within those means. Should they gamble with it, literally flush it down the toilet, buy drugs for their daughter, really it's upto them. But one certain fixed monetary allowance each month should suffice.


I know at this very moment a lot of things may not make sense to you. But if possible, try not to file for a divorce.


May god bless you


Kripz

Thank you all for your kind words and advice. To tell you the truth, my partner and I did separate in the past for 1 year (mainly due to work and partly marital problems). I know this may sound bad, but it was one of my happier times during our marriage. Even though I was exhausted with taking care of the children on my own, I was happy as I didn't have to deal with his family's problems as much. I saw them when it pleased me, though none of his family ever made the effort to swing by and visit myself or the kids, knowing that we were on our own. My kids don't even know what their aunt/uncles names are as they never saw them!!. The kids, even though they missed their dad, was also happier as they didn't have to see both their parents fight all the time. My eldest son said to me once: 'we miss dad but if you are happy without dad, then we are also happy.' My 2 older kids understand the concept of divorce and that there is a problem between the parents, not with the kids.


My husband doesn't like the idea of seeing a counselor, so therapy is out of the question. A few of you had suggested that we provide my inlaws with an allowance. This is a problem due to 2 main reasons: I have told my husband in the past that if he is to give his parents and allowance, then it is only fair that he also gives my parents an allowance, as my parents has done so so much more for us than all of his family combined. My husband is not willing to give my parents an allowance as he thinks they do not need it (both my parents are retired with minimal allowance from the govt). Another reason is that I am only willing to give his parents an allowance if his other siblings do the same. Some of his siblings are known to take money off his parents. So I am not willing to give the parents an allowance only for it to end up either at the casino or in the sibling's pockets! That wouldn't be fair on us and it will cause more trouble later down the track between the siblings.


It has now gotten to the point where I am constantly checking my husband's accounts to see where all our money goes to, and I never had to do that in the past. I don't like the fact that I have to watch him like a hawk, but I know that he, if his parents asks him to, will pay off their mortgage and other debts!! We are already paying off their $90k credit card debt! I am peeved that all his family ever does is take. Noone ever gives. In the 10 years I have known the family, not one person remembered mine or my childrens' birthday. But if I forget any of their birthdays, I am sure to get an earful from my husband.


My husband has been working late the past few days. So once I get the chance, I'll talk to him to try and sort out our problems. Though most likely things will go sour. You know how sometimes you get that bad gut feeling, I am getting it now. Wish me luck!

I understand your frustration and your desire for fair play re parents and your husband's siblings but if you want to save your marriage you need to put yourself in your husband's shoes and meet him part way... you guys have a problem - his parents attitude to money... if your husband feels responsible for them and is going to give them money, then an allowance makes sense and offers a reasonable compromise... it enables him to help them but to put boundaries on how much you provide them... whether they gamble it or give it to his siblings is irrelevant... and if your parents are coping on their pensions, then why would you want to deprive your kids of funds because you feel that it's only fair to give your parents an allowance too...?


don't get me wrong - I understand the emotions, but these are separate issues... either you are concerned about the financial impact of your in-laws' borrowings on your own financial situation or you are upset by the influence that your in-laws' still exert over your husband - which is a very different situation


if your husband won't see a counsellor, maybe you could see one separately to help you sort through the emotions that this situation brings up...to be honest though, it sounds like you have already made up your mind and are just looking for some reassurance that you are in the right... things are rarely that straightforward and I would strongly suggest exploring your feelings around things before doing anything as drastic as divorce ..


it's not an easy situation and issues around money always bring up a lot of emotions...good luck whatever you decide to do

Well if you say being separated from him was your happiest time of your life....then maybe it is time to explore the option of divorce. It's very unlikely that your husband will change anytime soon and sounds like your kids are old enough to know that it is not a case of good vs evil just 2 people who gave it their best and now have to go their separate ways. Look no matter what all of say...at the end of the day you have deal with it so whatever you decide make sure you can live with it not regret it. Good luck.

kate71 - as I mentioned previously, I am more than happy to help them out if it was for a cause. For eg, had either been sick and needed money for surgery or whatever (though I do not wish that upon them), I won't just lend them money, I'll pay for the surgery. But if it's purely because they are selfish and irresponsible, then I am not throwing away our hard earned money. My parents had gave me a big lump sum cash present for my wedding, only for my inlaws to blow it all at the casino in 2 weeks (my husband had lent his mother the money without my prior knowledge - she told him it was for the business and it would be returned in 1 month. At the time I was not aware nor told of her condition so I didn't make a big deal of it esp after she had promised to return it after a month - why wouldn't I trust my new family?) 1.5 years later, after I threw the biggest tantrum, did she return it. So from the very beginning, my inlaws have been taking from us!! This is just one of the examples of how my parents have helped us out only to have his parents take it and gamble it all away. My mom used to work in one of those 'sweat shop' sewing garments to make a living. So you can imagine how long she would of had to work just to earn some money? I'm not playing favourites, but my parents had worked hard all their lives and has helped us unconditionally, so if any allowance is to be given out, my parents should get the first share. But I am willing to give his parents an allowance on the grounds that my parents also gets an allowance (BTW, we are in a good position to give both parents an allowance, but this is an issue of principles and always has been).


ribbons - I said exactly the same thing about co-dependency to my husband. I have told my husband on each and every occasion that his parents need to learn from their mistakes. let them suffer the consequences and therefore they MIGHT understand exactly what is happening and therefore maybe start to better themselves. I even told my husband to sell the inlaws house, and from the sale proceeds, they should have enough equity to buy something smaller outright in cash for themselves, if not, at least have a much smaller and manageable mortgage - and this would solve their biggest financial problem. But my husband would not listen and neither would any of the siblings. I think this is where the Asian 'face/pride' comes in. My husband would never stop helping his parents, and I seriously do think he is willing to sell our family home in order to help his parents maintain theirs!


I will, as all of you mentioned, seek professional help and force my husband to attend with me. If after that, nothing improves, then I guess it's definitely time to say good bye, before we are ALL left with nothing. PS: It's also the lies and b*tching that hurts me. I may not be the best daughter inlaw/ wife, but I don't think I should be treated this way.

Giving money to a gambler is like supplying drugs to a junkie or alcohol to an alcoholic - how old are the parents? Would it be worth exploring putting them in residential care home & limit the amount of expense via this route - that way they have food and lodgings covered - the rest is upto them & your husband then doesn't feed their addictions?

lenlok - no I haven't been in contact with them...but I definitely will. We have tried almost every means of cutting their access to funds, but they somehow are able to regain access: cancelled credit cards, strict supervision of everyday account and heck, even tried banning them from the actual casino, but all failed!

Hey there,


Sorry to hear of your situation. Firstly, I believe counselling will be beneficial to you and your husband - hearing things laid out in front of an independent third party will make you both see things in a different light.


I have to disagree, though, with some of the comments made:


Giving the in-laws an allowance? Absolutely not. Given the current situation and that there is a gambling problem - giving money is only the bandaid solution - in fact it is more of a clayton's solution: it is not a solution at all. This will not halp the in-laws to recognise there is actually a problem, and thus the current vicious circle will continue.

Depression and gambling addiction are closely linked, and the mother-in-law needs to address this. What she needs is the support of her family and professional counselling to overcome this issue.


The other suggestion that you take a big chunk out of his pay check? That also will not solve the problems that the family has, it will worsen it in the long run. Should your husband have no money left to give his parents, he may well decide to borrow it, and then you will not only have no money, but more debt.


I have personally been to counselling, and the counsellor told me something that really stuck: at the time a man marries his wife, his primary responsibility then becomes his wife. His parents need to take a backseat, and if there is conflict between the two, the man should be sticking up for his wife.


Your husband's parents: are they still working in their business or earning their own income? If so, then you guys should not be loaning money to them at all. As an adult, your husband has a responsibility to care for his own family - being you and the children.


As for the bitching and whinging from his family? You will need to develop a think skin. For whatever reason these people do not treat you nicely - and i doubt they will. Make sure that you retain strong bonds with your friends and family, they will be a good outlet for you when issues between them pop up, and it is reassuring to remember their love for you when you have to face his family. Remember that you do not need to be liked by everyone - unfortunately you happened to marry into some people that might not! Don't worry though - there are lots of people out there in similar situations (me included) where the in-laws cause trouble and outright dislike you.


As for your husband: you guys really need to sort this out. It is not healthy to have to go behind each other's backs in order to check up on/loan money without the other's knowledge.

Counselling again will be a good option.


With the parents and the money issue - I note that you have tried quite a few different things, however I suggest one thing to you: all or nothing.

All: as in they sign over power of attourney to administer their affairs entirely and you (or your husband/family/independent third party) do administer their finances completely, and give them only an allowance to purchase food. This is usually done in extreme cases where a person is not capable of managing their own affairs - often where there is an intellectual disability.

Nothing: the parents are adults, capable of managing their own affairs. They need to take responsibility for their actions and not involve other people in wasting money. Harsh, but the alternative: your children will miss out on some things as a result. It might mean that you cannot afford a particular school/univerisity, heaven forbid: medical treatment down the track if required.


You said it yourself: you would pay for things that are necessary: I agree with that completely. The issue of course is you paying for a gambling addiction. Not on.


Unless you want out, I'd give it a go by utilising the counselling services available and even try to get the parents to come along - it is after all an issue that stems from their behaviour.


Good luck.

All that I have done in the past has been for the good of the parents and the family. Yeah sure I have b*tched about them (who doesn't b*tch and whine about their inlaws?), but I always make the effort to spend time with them. When I was living in OZ, I made 4 interstate trips a year just to visit them - spending 2-4 weeks at a time. I remember birthdays/ mother's day/ father's day/ Christmases/ Chinese New year etc. I actually organise the dinners/ day outs/ presents etc. I just collect the money from the other siblings. But that is never good enough! I don't get any thank yous (except from my husband), but I didn't mind as if it means my family is happy, then I am happy. But guess now, I am starting to feel really unappreciated and think I deserve some credit for trying to bring the family together once in a while (their family has never been close).


hoyo -For the last 3 months, I have been looking for a 2nd property as to tie up more of my husband's funds. My husband had agreed to buy another property and we have set our budget. Though I have been searching for a while and there is nothing within our price range that we like. His parents are starting to eat into our 'deposit' money. I also have taken the family on a holiday this year and have planned another (which is not the norm - we normally only go on holidays once every 2 years). So I am already doing things that will consume more money and benefit myself and the kids - but don't want to overdo it either.


hellokittyhk - we have brought up the issue of power of attorney with his parents 2 years ago, but his mom has down right refused. I think that if we raised the topic again, it will be the same answer -NO. I have finally spoken to my husband last night and he has started to listen to some of my opinions. Although he didn't mention that he will go through with it - but at least this is a start. I suggested that his sister buys the outstanding mortgage from his parents and add her name to the house title. This will be good for the sister as well as it will also make her grow up and stop wasting her money on drugs and the likes. Though not sure if his sister would want to do that. If not, then the parents will just have to sell their place and deal with living in a smaller house. I had also made a point to my husband that I will definitely not lend them anymore money. Though this time instead of yelling at each other, I made sure I was calm. Pretty much the same thing - they need to take responsibility for their own actions. I changed my wordings this time. Instead of saying gambling problem/ drug addiction, I said they were like babies taking their first steps. They haven't learnt to walk yet and they are trying to run, so of course they will fall. Only problem is that they haven't actually fallen, and he (my husband) has caught them mid air. So the parents don't know how it feels to actually hit the ground nor do they know how to stand back on their two feet. I had even joked with him that his family can have their own 'TVB/days of our lives' drama series. I joked that I would be perceived as the bad guy by the family, but the HK audience would perceive me as the good guy.

From coping.org

(Cut down from a much longer list)

What is detachment?

Detachment is the:


Ability to allow people, places, or things the freedom to be themselves.

Holding back from the need to rescue, save, or fix another person from being sick, dysfunctional, or irrational.

Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with people.

Willingness to accept that you cannot change or control a person, place, or thing.

Developing and maintaining of a safe, emotional distance from someone whom you have previously given a lot of power to affect your emotional outlook on life.

Establishing of emotional boundaries between you and those people you have become overly enmeshed or dependent with in order that all of you might be able to develop your own sense of autonomy and independence.

Process by which you are free to feel your own feelings when you seeanother person falter and fail and not be led by guilt to feel responsible for their failure or faltering.


Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as

not to experience greater emotional devastation from having hung on

beyond a reasonable and rational point.


What are the negative effects NOT detaching?

If you are unable to detach from people, places, or things, then you:

Will have people, places, or things which become over-dependent on you.


Run the risk of being manipulated to do things for people, at places, or with things, which you do not really want to do.


Can become an obsessive "fix it'' who needs to fix everything you perceive to be imperfect.


Run the risk of performing tasks because of the intimidation you experience from people, places, or things.


Will most probably become powerless in the face of the demands of the people, places, or things whom you have given the power to control you.


Will be easily influenced by the perception of helplessness which these people, places, or things project.


Will be so driven by guilt and emotional dependence that the sickness in the relationship will worsen.


Run the risk of losing your autonomy and independence and derive your

value or worth solely from the unhealthy relationship you continue in

with the unhealthy person, place, or thing.


How is detachment a control issue?

Detachment is a control issue because:


It is a way of de-powering the external "locus of control'' issues in

your life and a way to strengthen your internal "locus of control.''


If you are not able to detach emotionally or physically from a

person, place, or thing, then you are either profoundly under its

control or it is under your control.


The ability to "keep distance'' emotionally or physically requires

self-control and the inability to do so is a sign that you are "out

of control.''


You might feel intimidated or coerced to stay deeply attached with

someone for fear of great harm to yourself or that person if you

don't remain so deeply involved.


You might be an addicted "caretaker,'' "fixer,'' or "rescuer'' who

cannot "let go'' of a person, place or thing you believe cannot care

for itself.


You might be so manipulated by another's con, "helplessness,''

overdependency, or "hooks'' that you cannot leave them to solve their

own problems.


If you do not detach from people, places, or things, you could be so

busy trying to "control'' them that you completely divert your

attention from yourself and your own needs.


What irrational thinking leads to an inability to detach?

If you should stop being involved, what will they do without you?


You would feel so guilty if anything bad should happen to them after

you reduced your involvement with them.


They are absolutely dependent on you at this point and to back off

now would be a crime.


You need them as much as they need you.


They have so many problems, they need you.


Being detached seems so cold and aloof. You can't be that way when

you love and care for a person. It's either 100% all the way or no

way at all.


Detachment sounds so final. It sounds so distant and non-reachable.

You could never allow yourself to have a relationship where there is

so much emotional distance between you and others. It seems so

unnatural.


No matter how badly your loved ones hurt and abuse you, you must

always be forgiving and continue to extend your hand in help and

support.


Steps in developing detachment

Step 1: It is important to first identify those people, places,

and things in your life from which you would be best to develop

emotional detachment in order to retain your personal, physical,

emotional, and spiritual health. To do this you need to identify any of the people, places, or things in your life that this description.

Common Asian problems! Think Midway! your husband is squeezed badly between you and his parents. He can't afford to loose u and 'em.First advice-Take up a job, second-do not let your in laws join you two. Your husband is very tensed at the moment and may have lost his "right" thinking ability,. Just find a right time and talk to him peacefully about what's the dark side he can't see.

I think, he just wants to help his parents, but they are not doing right! He has to understand about ur kids.Do not completely rely on him, start sourcing your own finance on the other side. Act more independent!

Take some time, see how it goes. Uncertain situations like this, he needs your support! Coz, you know you love him.!

Sorry Tonine,


IT WILL NEVER STOP WHILSTM YOUR HUSBAND (and others) FEED THE ADDICTION!


You could try learning about gambling, but frankly it is a personality defect, and cannot be cured.


However, it can be maintained or kept in check. BUT only if the perpertrators acknowledge thwy have a problem.


Addicts can only commence repair and management once they have hit rock bottom, but everybody's rock bottom is different.


Sounds like they have been happy enough to gamble away several properties and businesses over their head, but where will it stop?


Unfortunately, your husband and everyone else must stop paying and sadly they may have to lose this house before they acknowledge there is a problem.


Gambling disease can hit anyone, poor, rich etc, but it does apear top be more prevalent in Chinese culture than western culsture.


It is an addiciton, disease, and might as well be cocaine, as the road thy are taking is doomed!


If yo cut off all the funding, then you are at risk to your husband any relationship shattering.


In any event, you must seek prof advice.

Alot (or should I say nothing) has happened since I last posted. Everyone in my husband's family has seem to have forgotten about what has happened in the last few months and has gone about their everyday selfish lives. So in essence, the parents has once again gotten away with murder cos none of their children seems to care or wants to care. I have mentioned to my husband that their problem needs to be addressed but no one seems to bother. So now, it is yet another waiting game of when another drama will arise. This is turning to an endless vicious cycle where in the end it is always my inlaws that comes out on top and the ones to suffer are my husband, kids and myself.


While all this has been going on, I found part time work. So now I can say to my husband, that I contribute physically, emotionally, psychologically and FINANCIALLY. I have, in all the years we have been married, worked part time on and off to help easen the family's financial burden. Not once did my husband think it was sufficient. Bearing in mind, I had next to no childcare assistance, my mother had been sick and had passed away and my dad had to have surgery. So inbetween trying to look after my children, mourning and taking care of my sick dad, I still had to work whatever hours that I was given. I did at one stage thought that I was having a emotional and mental breakdown, and seeked medical help and the doctor said I was fine - I was just overwhelmed and over tired with everything that has happened. A week's rest and I was back in the swing of things. The doctor said the problem did not lie with me.


My husband and I went out together without the children for the first time in 2 years last weekend. The issue of his parents somehow crept into our conversations. We started to have heated discussions, where (not to my surprise) he sided with his parents. But I had to bite my tongue as I wanted to enjoy our night and each others company. This has proved to me no matter what I do or say, his parents will always be his top priority. I have decided that the next time this whole fiasco arises again, and if my husband again lends money to his parents, the children and I are definitely packing our bags and going back to my family - where we would be much appreciated and loved. They keep emphasising how important family is but no one makes the effort. I have for the last 2 weeks, been trying to organise christmas gatherings (cos no one has), but no one gotten back to me. Are all my efforts for a lost cause? Should I even bother anymore?


I have spoken to a personal friend who is a psychiatrist and she has suggested that I should leave my husband. Until his family's problems are solved, my marriage and the children will always take 2nd place - and that I would not be satisfied with. She is not suggesting this as a friend, but as a professional. She had suggested I leave my husband as soon as the 'knife' incident happened, but I couldn't leave me husband. I have over the years tried almost everything she has suggested to help resolve the problem(s), but everything has been done in vain. I feel I am fighting this battle by myself and I am giving myself emotional pain when no one else seems to care.

Sorry to hear things have not gone so well...


To be honest, if you are thinking of leaving, why are you waiting for the 'next time'.

That is a classic example of the thought pattens of someone caught up in a DV (domestic violence) relationship.

As in: oh, next time he hits me, I'll leave...


Now, I'm not saying your situation is like that, but your thought pattens are. You are obviously considering leaving, so what is it you are waiting for? Do you not have the proof you are looking for that you and your children are 2nd best in your husband's estimation? Honestly - your children should be absolute top priority to your husband. Not his parents.

Naturally he should be supportive of them, but what is happening is quite destructive for his parents, himself, you and the children - financially and emotionally.


When he committed to you in marriage, and when you both made the decision to bring children into the world, he should have been making you and them his top priority.


I certainly don't want to tell you what to do - whether you should stay or leave is up to you. What I do want you to think about though is the fact you have indicated that you will leave 'next time' indicates you think it is time to leave, but you are putting it off. If you feel this will be in the best interests of your children and you, when there is no reason to wait for a next time.


Good luck, I wish you the best.

I guess I am just hoping that my husband will change. I want to say that I have tried my best and had given him every chance to try and amend things. I confide with his best friends all the time cos I know they will tell him what I have said - my husband always ask for advice from his friends. So I'm sure he is aware of my every intentions and is trying to find a resolution to everything. He might the next time his parents ask for money, actually ignore their pleas and let them deal with their own problems. I don't know, but I am willing to give it one last try. I know this may sound stupid, but I am really hoping that my husband is starting to realize the severity of the whole situation and do what's in the best interest for the children.

You are really no different than your husband.


You are an enabler. You enable your husband to place your family in 2nd place as all you do is threaten.


Your husband will never realise what he has until it is gone. Pack up and go back home. Give your husband time to reflect.


Does he plan on growing old with his parents and his mother careing for him when he is sick? Or does he plan on growing old with the woman he professed to love at his side, and with his loving kids there to visit when they are older.


3 months should do the trick. Give your husband time to realise what he had, and what he is losing. If it does not, then you are better off alone with your kids, but happy and appreciated. AND it means he does not love you enough to choose you.


Life is too short to be miserable over things which tecnically you can control.

ImSoBored is spot on.