Posted by
Mary J
18 yrs ago
My bf invited me to visit his country, he'd like to show me the places he loves and where he grew up, most importantly he'd like to know my feelings about the island where he wants to live in the future, because we might move there in a couple of years.
Here comes the question: the cost for the trip will be a lot, even though I could afford it. I mentioned to him several times that I think it's too expensive to go, but he never offer to pay for my plane ticket or at least split some expense, he just tried to convince me to go, he said it will be very good for our relationship and I also will have a great experience.
I believe he has good intention, but how about the money? I think that if both of us think I should go, he should at least pay for something, right? Being together for 2 years, he never really pay for my expense, we always split, and when I see my other girlfriends' boyfriends always pay for them, I can't help to feel jealous...
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Talk to him openly, tell him your thoughts...
This is the best way to keep a good relationship = Communications!
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He does pay for drinks or dinner, it's like sometimes he pay sometimes I pay.
I expect him to pay because I take the trip as OUR thing, not just mine.
And btw, he doesn't have as much savings as I do, this could count for his reason too?
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Even I could afford it, it's still gonna be a lot of money, this is why I'm hesitating, also even he has less money than me, he's still able to split some expense for me, it's not like he has nothing. Another reason holding me back from going is that, I feel our relationship is not mature enough, he's not sure when he's gonna be setting down, he's not sure if I'm the one. I know taking me back to see his folks is a step, but I also would like more commitment from him b4 I go.
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I don't think I should pay more just because I have more.
If it's OUR thing, we should pay it together, not just me paying it.
Money always makes you blue as hell.
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Electrode, you take it totally wrong...
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Good points, Justin.
I don't want to think too much about the $$$ either, it's just so frustrating talking about money, we never fight about this b4, I feel ashamed of myself. maybe I just want to hear something sweet & supportive from him, I wouldn't even take his offer if he does, but he doesn't, I feel I'm kind of cheap. After these years being together I always follow his steps, he said let's go here let's go there and I always say ok and I had always paid for myself. This time it's gonna be a western country and it's gonna be a 1 month trip, you could see how expense it could be.
I'd like to say that I'm willing to go happily without any doubts in my head, but this is not a fairy tale world.
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Agree with JWM, you know it's going to be a huge expense and you know that he has less savings then you but you still want him to pay! even listening to so many valid opinions. how old are you? are you still a little girl that will judge if a guy likes you simply by how much he has spent on you by buying your expensive items?!
please be a decent and reasonable girl and dont make xpats always think that local girls are soooooooo materialistic. i will never expect my boyfriend to pay for my trips if i am also able to earn money. he can offer it but you cant simple expect it! it's not fair. he is a guy doesnt mean that he has to spend double.
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you should feel happy that he invited you to this trip,to meet his parents to see where he grew up,to see that Island he planned to LIVE WITH YOU!This is a big step for a man who willing to share his life with you.Don't go if you already feel like that.
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JWM, I think you shouldn't be allowed to reply people's post. you are here to abuse, not to give advice.
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Mary J, I am a woman and I do not earn, but if I were to go on a holiday with my byfriend, even if I had known him for a few years, I did definitely split expenses. a. I wouldn't expect him to pay for my ticket, and b. while there too I'd like to split the hotel and food bills.
It is only fair.
Agree with Electrode -- it's the time with your loved one and happiness that should come before money!! Afterall, what is money for if it can't buy you a trip with your bf??!
The very fact that you're giving this simple thing so much thought, I think you really are not into this guy!! That's obvious!
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I don't think JWM has been abusive at all - just expressing an opinion that MaryJ didn't want to hear.
As happydays pointed out, it's this kind of outdated attitude (the man pays) that gives Asian women a bad name. It's the 21st century, and there are plenty of women who earn far more than their menfolk. A good relationship is based on love, and any partnership thrives not on equality, but on the complimentary assets each partner brings to the table: some are tangible (money) and some are intangible (ability to cook a good meal, put up shelves, take care of a sick child, unblock a drain, or light a fire in the bedroom). It's about what you can, and are willing to, GIVE - not what you can TAKE.
AussieFlower.
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Mary J, if you are not comfortable with this money situation, you have two choices. One is to talk frankly to him and make sure he understands your point. That way either he'll be more considerate when suggesting something to do together, or he'll start to talk nasty to you just like many men here unfortunately and you will end up breaking up. (It's kinda funny that people would never say the same thing about men although there are many male gold-diggers. And in your case, how could this term even be brought up while you are splitting the bills on almost everything? You could have gone for the richer ones if you ever wanted to dig something out.) If you don't want to risk your relationship, say sorry baby, I need to have certain amount of savings in my bank account for whatever thing in the future. He might not like but he has to accept it without complaints. Later when you feel the timing is right or in some special occasian, you could mention it again and tell him, baby, I know this is something you always want to do and I am doing it because I love you... He will then appreciate much more. All I am saying is that you'd better hold this plan back for awhile, otherwise you will not fully enjoy the holiday as you should because of the stupid but important money matters.
One more thing, try not to post anything involved with $$$ in any expat forums in the future. People do have strong feelings towards it always.
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This is interesting! I liked styleji's response. I've dated both Western and Asian men. I found that the asian men, that I dated, totally looked after all the expenses. I have also had western boyfriends generous to a fault. On the otherhand, been totally ripped off by other western 'boyfriends' and found myself paying their way. I have come to the conclusion that the perceived best things in life are not free from a man's point of view anyway.
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When I said I have more savings than he does, it doesn't mean I earn more than him, it took me much longer time to save, he has foreigner rate, I got Chinese rate. I just don't want to spend almost everything on a trip, and when I come back I will have to worry about money again. I don't think I should be judged or blamed because of this.
So how many people here are willing to spend almost all of their savings for a trip like this?
And thank you, stylejj, that's a good response.
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If you are considering long-term life together on this island wherever it is, would it not be prudent to invest in checking it/his family out?
You say you'll have no savings when you return if you pay for your half of the trip.
You also say you have more money than him.
So how on earth is he going to be able to afford to go even if he just pays for himself???
And if he pays for you also then he doubly couldn't afford to go!
If you really care about him, how could you even consider expecting him to pay something for you that he doubly can't afford - is it a test?
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Guess what many mothers sit at home waiting for their husbands to buy them food. Why? Because they've had to give up their jobs to invest their time and natural resources into surviving pregnancy, giving birth, raising another being. It's called biology.
I think it's a great idea to find out whether or not your boyfriend has the capability and DESIRE to be able to afford all that should it come about. If not, the woman will have to keep her savings as she may have to rely on herself and pay it all alone in the future. Look at the odds?
Meanwhile the guy is not looking like he's going to be pregnant in this lifetime and can hedge his bets on having a steady income for all those vodka and tonics he has to spend his paychecks on for his forseeable future..
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I skipped a lot of this thread, but do you ever travel, Mary J? Don't you pay for yourself when you travel?
I'm assuming you will go on holiday at least once a year... then your decision now, knowing that you'll have to pay your own way, is whether you would rather go visit his country, or go somewhere else with someone else, or by yourself.
For me it's a no-brainer.
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You are indeed correct Roxy,
share, care, give, take, compromise, spend
time/money/adventures together.....easy!
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I fully support Roxy's point of view as well. I never like money to be a too big part of my relationship. In Mary's situation, if you can afford, go. If not, don't go.
Girls should not expect their BFs to pay for their holidays before marriage. If they offer, good luck. If not, normal
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I suppose if the guy lives in Iceland or something it could get expensive...
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Mary J,
Have you ever gone on holidays or even short breaks with your bf before? What were they like? Did you split the expenses?
I'm sensing that this trip means a lot to your bf. What's there to gain if you spend your savings on this trip:
-- the opportunity to meet his parents (isn't this a big and serious step for most men--to introduce their gfs to their parents? That should mean something to you..
-- the chance to share and enjoy the "island" where your bf grew up
-- the opportunity to see if it's a place you can feel comfortable enough to decide to live there in a few years
What do you stand to lose?
Just money. You can earn it again when you return from your trip.
If you feel that the trip is not worth spending your money on, then don't go. Or if you feel HE is not worthy spending your money on, then think twice about staying on in the relationship.
"maybe I just want to hear something sweet & supportive from him, I wouldn't even take his offer if he does" .... so what do you REALLY want? Is money the real issue?
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Good point. Maybe it's the lack of concrete future plans that makes it hard to want to part with 20-30k of her savings.
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True love worths spending all my money
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I don't think she's talking about 'western wealth'. She's coming from the assumption that were her boyfriend local, he would pay it!
It's simply a cultural difference related to the money between sexes.
It could be further argued that in western feminism, we've just taken away the perks of being a woman!
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Just to let everybody knows, I'm gonna go, thank you for all your advice.
The island is not any cold place, it's very beautiful and warm all the time, it's one of the island on the Pacific called Bora Bora which belongs to French Polynesia.
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How wonderful!
Leave all negative thoughts behind and have a fabulous time Mary J :)
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Wow, that is such a beautiful place and so very romantic to be with someone you're in love!!!
Am amazed you even had second thoughts about going there with him! And to be able to live there in future with him -- WOW!!!!!!
Oh yeah, have a FANTASTIC time!
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Boyfriend today, what tomorrow?
If he is your fiancee, then yes, pay your share to visit his home and family.
But you are only a girlfriend. Do you have money to spare? to throw away? Don't pay lots of money to go somewhere you don't really really want to go to. Be practical. He is boyfriend, not fiancee.
If he wants you to go, then ask him to pay.
If he won't pay, then that forget it.
If you are two years into a relationship, and you always splitting bill, but he doesn't treat you everynow and again, then think carefully about the relationship...because when things get rough, and you get ill, and need him, its probably bye bye for him
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Jag.123, I disagree completely. You cannot assume the man in a relationship has more spending power than the woman. Whether he pays should mostly rely on his vs. her spending power. If he really wants to try to be chivalrous, fine. He can pay. But if she's earning $40k and he's earning $20k, to expect him to pay is ridiculous.
I'm not saying that's the case here, but it could be...
What you've done is to give poor advice based on the old-fashioned "values" that the man is the bread-winner.
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Sorry, but I still disagree.
Jag says this:
"If he wants you to go, then ask him to pay.
If he won't pay, then that forget it."
Which is ridiculous advice under the situation I described (she's earning 40k and he's earning 20k).
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Just because she earns more than him doesn't mean that she should spend her money carelessly because he wants her to go. I think the girl is being cautious -and rightly so, she is single, she works hard for her money, ...and at the end of the day..you said it...he doesn't earn much...so she is saving for a rainy day cos if she loses her job or ill, she is not going to turn to him for financial help but to depend on herself. If they were engaged, then it would be different...go spend loads of money traveling...
but i think its silly if its not a really really stable long term committment relationship to go and throw away lots of money like that.
Cheaper for him to show her photos and for her to watch lonely planet
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dss
18 yrs ago
MaryJ,
It is one of the most expensive place (flight, meals etc) for a mth's holiday, so my suggestion is to discuss with your b/f on what is the estimated budget so that you are prepared to spend that amount.
If you decide that it is worthwhile, then go and have a good time.
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