Posted by
happyfish
18 yrs ago
I have been separated for about 2 years and it is my daughter's birthday soon.
My ex wants us all to have dinner together (for her sake). I told him no. And tells me that I am being selfish and not thinking about her, only myself.
Am I being selfish in not wanting to do that? I don't want to portray the "happy family" etc and give hope to my daughter that we may get together (of which there is zero chance).
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Why not ask your daughter? At the end it's HER birthday! If she is happy then, you will be too...
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JPJP
18 yrs ago
JC, maybe you should read the original thread again and think what is the gender of the writer. You always seem to have answer to everyone, but here I think you ...nevermind
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JPJP - What? The ex is obviously a guy.
"I told him no".
Where's the confusion? I thought it was pretty good advice JC gave.
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gwern
18 yrs ago
Happyfish, I have been in your position. I can completely understand. It can be excruciatingly uncomfortable being with your ex and even more so with the kids. I can understand what people are saying about it being positive etc... I personally am happy to be polite, friendly and cooperative with my ex but the thought of sitting down for a meal makes me squirm. I am not saying that's right or wrong it just is the way it is. The other issue is the confusion for the child. For a long time after separation/divorce kids do hope that their parents will unite. It is great that you get on and can show a united positive front but you also have to be careful of giving false hope. You can only do what you feel comfortable doing...
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gwern
18 yrs ago
I do think you are being harsh. Women are very often the ones(not always) in these situations who try very hard to keep the peace, be civil and maintain some semblance of a relationship when things break down 'for the sake of the children' If being selfish is saying 'no I'm not comfortable with doing that' then that is their right. Children should not be used as an excuse, unless you have been there you have no understanding or idea how hard it can be to face someone and 'pretend'that everything is ok. Kids aren't stupid. They react to tension. Even if a split is fairly amicable it can be hard. If it was a difficult relationship then you have to do what you can cope with. Showing love and regard to that child is by not putting yourself in an awkward tense situation.
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Happyfish,
You've been divorced for 2 years now, but are you still in pain? Are you still harboring negative emotions towards your ex-husband?
If you are then I don't think it is selfish of you not to push through with the dinner. I can imagine how uncomfortable it might be for your child. It is her birthday, but if you can't manage a pleasnt conversation with your ex for the whole duration of the dinner, it's pointless then to celebrate this way.
It might be best for your daughter to spend time alone with each of you and have a good bonding time rather than sit down to a dinner when you are not ready yet.
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Thanks for all your replies.
Actually, her birthday was yesterday and I did go to dinner with my ex husband and two kids.
I realise kids do come first and that as parents we should have some kind of civil relationship for the sake of the kids.
Before my separation, I too used to wonder how divorced parents couldn't communicate and get along for the sake of the kids. However, once in the situation, all that went out of the window. Very ugly emotions reared their heads.
It has been a hard 2 years journey and as the cliche goes about time being a healer, I don't have any negative emotions towards my ex that I had 2 years ago. He is very civil towards me and would like to be my friend again. However, I don't know if I want that as he did hurt me alot.
He is a good father and a good person. And I hope one day I can forgive him.
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Good to know that the dinner went well. It's a big step towards healing the relationship. Cheers to you for allowing your ex to continue being a good father to your children.
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Happyfish - well done. When you say you hope you can forgive him one day - I understand that completely. But we can do incredible things for our kids when needed like what you've just done. That must have been hard. Full credit to you.
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Thank you all for your good wishes.
sabbster, I have read your thread and know how you are also wrestling with the forgiveness thing. I think, since you've been together for so long etc, you have to give her a chance (I know easier said than done).
If it does work out, then fantastic for you all, but if it doesn't then you know you did everything in your power and will not have to wonder "what if" in the future.
Good luck to you too.
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