Posted by
wolfbaby
18 yrs ago
We are in different cities(He is working in shanghai right now). I planed to move to shanghai this July or Aug. so we can be together. but something happend lately starts drives me huts.
He seems different after the Taiwan crip.or maybe i am thinking too much, he could be just being too busy. But, after he back shanghai, he did not give me any phone call (few texts), 2 days ago, i was sick and alone, thirsty and hardly to move my body to get some water, so i called him and just wanna hear something nice. He was in the KTV and he told me that's too noisy, so he would call me later, but later... i found my mobile battary runs out. The next morning when i get turn on the phone, there was no message,usually he will text me every morning...
Anyway, yesterday, 1.5 hours later after he sms me he will go to dinner. i called him, he was still on the dinner with his colleagues. and i asked him , will he calls me later.he said yes. but there was no phone calles. I texted him, 'will you call?'no reply, 20 mintustes later, i texted him'please give me a good reason, and i do not wanna hear that sorry again'. 30 minutes later, i texted him'tell me you wanna break up, so i do not need think about this dam thing again,it kills me'no replys, and i called again and again, no answeres. i did not slept last night, and i start to call 5:30am, cause he usually wake up this early. i called again and again till 9:00am. i start to feel i am getting crazy. ... no answeres!
I brought the airplane tickets for both of us to the North trip. At least he should tell me if wants go or not? till now, no text back, no phone call.
Please give me some advice! and sorry if i didn't explain this clear. my head is still dizzy, I just took pills for fever.
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hkham
18 yrs ago
May I know where does he come from? Mainland Chinese / Taiwanese! And what industrial he works for, trading?
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kkum
18 yrs ago
wolfbaby, i think you should stop calling him for now. You should get better first.And when you think clearly, you'll see clearly.
Feel better.
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hkham , he is dutch. He is working for a big company as an engineer.
Thanks guys, actually i am more worry about he has some problem now, do you think i should call his secretary?
This morning I have talked two of my male friends. one is dutch and the onther one is hk british. They both told me they think my boy has a shanghai girl up there. (I still believe he is not this kind of person-- I hope he is not)
And i just tryed to use my colleague's phone called, he did not answer either.
I feel better now, but I have never met something like this, this is really annoying me! and I just could not eat anything.
Thanks again!!!
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And I am not sure i am being crazy or being stupid...
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Justin,
Thanks, I am calm down and I do not wanna acting like this. Thanks for your sugesstion. I do feel better.
MPL,
If reverse the situation, i would understand.
And whatever the answer is, i can accept it, just I need this answer.
3 days ago. everything seems okay, and last night it suddenly happenes... hard to accept it.but i got your point.Thanks!
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Hope for the best that nothing happened to him. If not, it is now his turn to get in contact with you. TRY not to contact him and he will be in touch with you soon...with some poor excuses I assume...
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cujo
18 yrs ago
Now hold on everyone!! If bf had been out of contact for several days or more, then perhaps speculation about him having someone else would be justified. But because he didn't call ONE night after being out with his colleagues? Perhaps he simply ended up staying out later and drinking more than he had anticipated. For most guys (including me in my single days) that's a more likely scenario than actually getting someone to go home with us. Of course, the more time that passes before he calls the less realistic that scenario seems, but I think he deserves some benefit of the doubt. He also could be a bit irritated and turned off by wolfbaby's actions last night.
In any event, I agree with the the others who say that now you just need to wait for him to contact you.
Good luck, wolfbaby.
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Cecca
18 yrs ago
Honey,yes you're being crazy of what he's doing or you think what he's doing to you now..
Relax..you got to stop pushing him too hard.i think you want to know what the hell is going on between he and you.Sorry to say,but i sense there's something wrong if it's been like this for a while..
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Guys, thanks all. This thing actually make me recognize how much i care about him.
This morning around 3 i got his text while i am still sleeping.
before i emailed him about i was disappointing about he did not call when i am sick. I felt really lonely.I asked him if he is really ready for our relationship or ready for me...
he text me back, he felt bad about the email and he needs time to think about it.
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So, do you think that needs time to think... pretty much means break up?
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cujo
18 yrs ago
I guess this means that he still hasn't called you back? Sorry to hear that - that's definitely not a good sign. (I guess that will teach me to second-guess a woman's intuition.) I don't think "time to think" necessarily means "break up," but it does seem to suggest that he is at least "interested" in someone else. Again giving him the benefit of the doubt, he truly may be trying to figure out whether he wants to stay with you or get involved with someone else.
If that's the case, and if you want to have any chance at keeping him, you are going to need be strong in the coming days. Sounds like you have refrained from contacting him siince you sent your email - good job. If he says he needs time to think, then give it to him. There's probably little or nothing that you can say or do at this point to influence his thinking, so wait for him to get back to you. If you don't hear from him for a couple of days, send him a short message just saying that you're still waiting for his call. It may not work - he may already have made his mind up and just hasn't worked up the nerve to tell you. But if you start sending him a bunch of weepy or hysterical emails or sms messages, you're likely to just chase him away once and for all.
I know this advice is a lot easier to give than to follow, but BE STRONG. You can do it. Check back here regularly because there are a lot of people on here who will give you support.
Good luck and best wishes, wolfbaby.
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cujo, Thanks so so much for your support and understanding!
I have already stop call him, before i asked my beijing friend, shanghai friend to call him, he just never pick up the phone. so i guess he really needs time.
I have beening prepared his Van. gift for half month and i have already got the airplane tickets to fly to shanghai by 14th. Feb. my heart tells me go to shanghai and face to it. my brain askes me if he runs and not come back that night, will you wait for him at shanghai cold long Van. night? Maybe it's the time to be the fool once or at least, I will give up all of my hope and start new life again. I just emailed him my flight info. I need either fix it or stop it by myself, i dont like keep waiting for his 'mercy'(5 days, that should be enough think...)
I have to say he is a different person, he does not lies, this is what i loved him the most, if i think he does have another girl, then i definitely will not go to shanghai and just stop it. He is just always try to protect himself too well. There was one time we went to a bar in shanghai with his friends. because i talked to a stranger sit besides me for few sentences(that guy is also work in hk and shenzhen, and his company is one of our supplier) my BF just felt bad and asked why i talking to that guy, and that needs him 1.5 days to heal.Another time we had small arguement(through msn), he felt hurt, instead of talking and fix it ,he just went to bed and i wasn't able to sleep that night, cause i wanted talk and fix it ASAP. He said he had a relationship hurt him deeply once, so i always try to becareful not do anything may make him feel bad, i guess i lost myself. and now seems this is what he returns to me. What a good Van. gift!
Whatever it's a sad story or happen ending, i would like share with all of you. Thanks all of your notes. that makes me feel so warm.
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Qart
18 yrs ago
Hi wolfbaby!
Well, i wanted to write to u before but thought i might be wrong and didnt want to hurt u with my thoughts.. Well, i had the same kind of experience with my ex. thought he would never lie or cheat, thats what i loved about him the most,honesty ..but ppl do things that we dont expect them to do...
I really hope that im wrong but those feelings dont come out of nowhere... i thought that there was something wrong with it from the first post.. ive been there and its kind of hard to let just go without talking it trough and guys become some kind of selfish, its hard for them to face u and tell u that its over.. especially if they think that u love and care for them, i guess they don't want to hurt us but what they need to understand is that the way they act it hurts more than just truth itself...
Ah... just think, what would make u feel better...
wait for his answer or just go and face him and find out what is really going on.. who knows maybe everything is not as bad as u think.. make decision and stick to it...
i tried my self to be calm and wait but, soo hard to let it go without knowing.. I needed to know and even thou the truth hurt it also helped me to move on...
Hope everything goes well for u two!!!
Good luck and best wishes!
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I got his email his morning:
I need to ask you not to visit. I still feel very bad. I need some more time to think. I hope you can understand.
I do still love you, but I need to be alone for some time.
Please...
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Rititt,l
Your comments about western xpat men may apply to men (perhaps western) in general.
However, many guys here are looking for more than shag, and enjoy the life that HK/asia has to offer.
Perhaps, if you try and work out what the guy is really after, and go a bit slower. If he doesn't like it well perhaps he aint worth it. Must strike a balance between being too enthusiastic and too aloof.......gotta give him some encouragement but don't be too complying or he may think:
"hey that was pretty easy! I canhave lots of these!"
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I emailed him back,
Sorry, think it over. I am maybe over reactive and push you too hard.I will return the tickets and give you enough time to think.I love you,just remember it.
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cujo
18 yrs ago
Sorry to hear the bad, although at this point not unexpected, report. I think your response was very, very good. Let's see. I hope it works.
Have to disagree with rititt. Sure if you always hang out in LKF you'll probably meet a lot of guys who are just looking for a shag, but that's not really a representative sample of all of the expat men here. I see lots of western men happily (as far as I can tell, anyhow) married to Asian women. How could that have happened if every one was looking for nothing more than a shag? Distance is difficult on all types of relationships all over the world. Sometimes it's simply more that the relationship can stand. If it is, that's not necessarliy a bad reflection on either person.
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I start to feel funny about what i did. glad i am back to normal. People don't get crazy everyday :) Also, people won't meet their love every month:)
I have a dutch male friend, he has similar charactors like me, and his GF is similar as my BF, sometimes when i told my friend what my boy said or done, he just told me, oh, that sounds really similar... He gave me great help and support. maybe he won't read this note. but i would like to appreciate him again.
Qart, I am appreciate your support.I trust my boy, And seems i just need wait and see. sometime life does give us surprises, good or bad, both make our life colourful(grey and blue are also colour right?)that's still better than feel nothing.
rititt ,
Everybody is diffent, i am not agree most of the western xpat are here to shag, cause i do know many nice western xpat.when you love someone, it doesn't matter where he is from and what colour he is.When it related with love. everything is just okay. Love is colour blind anyway :)All we need to do is understand more and try to not hurt each other, cause that is really Painful... actually i just dig a hole in my heart. now i need some ice-cream and sweet words to fill in...
Tiger01,
Thank you! I think i was over reactive at the beginning,I will take it easy now. cause I just get my brain back, and from now on, I will go to gym everyday, i guess that will also help.
And happy thing is just now i feel a bit hungry again. have been 4 days i did not really eat any real meat. I need a good ice-cream to reward myself.
Now i can save my Van. gift for next year! hope the worms won't eat it :)
I will keep update it,keep you guys busy : )
I have to tell, you guys are very sweet :)Heel goed!
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I kind of agree with rititt. I have heard such comment so many times directly from western guy friends. Sad truth.
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As far as ritits generalization goes, its a stereotype, but sadly enough true, however there are also expats who do not fall into the category of losers nor into the category of "out for a shag".
These are serious professionals with a love for China, who plan to spend the rest of their lives involved in China. These men/women face a whole lot of different problems, trying to build a career and a life in CHina that is sustainable. Not only do they have to weigh the economic implications of their relationships, they also have difficult career and life choices to make. If they marry a Chinese they can't just marry any Chinese (unless they are secure in their job-prospects, which usually does not happen before they are 35). They also have to balance between their homecountries and China, plus they have to deal with the fact that most Chinese have never spent time abroad and do not really comprehend the difficulties that entails (missing family, friends,having to speak another language all of the time,....) Usually they are also required to travel between the homecountry and China for business reasons.
And then there is the Chinese government not making things any easier to settle down here as well, you either need to have invested 3 million into the country or you can get married but then you have to be able to stay in China for 5 consecutive years + you need to apply for permanent residency and when you do you have a chance of 0.3% of being granted that status.
Last but not least if they are below 35 they can't just take any job, since wages for local jobs are just too low and it doesn't advance their career taking these types of jobs.
Building a stable future in China is hard work, that requires a lot of sustained effort.
Even though that in general I agree with ritit, this just goes to show that if you do want to date an expat you should test their waters a bit, see what they are about, I am sure there are lots of foreigners who wish to stay in CHina if only they could.
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I am agree some foreigners who are working in china now because they can't find job in their own country.Cause I have sseen many people are like this. but not all, some people here just because company decision and they stay maybe 2 or 3 years (like my boss)...
I also heard about that 35 years story, in europe(Germany) that is common!
My BF here just wanna some expriences. and his boss in holland offered him a position up there. but because our relationship. he decide stay and spend more time to understand each other. Then we decide what do to the next.
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rititt,
There are not only two types of xpat, plz do not let your narrow sight to blind yourself. There are so many expamples of great realationships between Chinese girls and Europeans. When it comes to love you are just a man, and she is just a woman. Yes, for you information, I'm a Chinese girl and my fiance is a Westerner; I just can't bear what you say about people in general like that! If you haven't seen it all, then don't talk! You are not qualified to speak for all xpats! And shame on you, whoever is here looking for only shags!
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Dear [wolfbaby],
Just to tell you... you are not the only one... My boyfriend is doing the same... No reply to my SMS / calls... just say need time...
Up to a point, I am thinking what the hell... need time to say "I want a break-up..."... To me, a coward behavior more like it...
Take care...
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Thanks gals,
I am back from shanghai already, had a not bad Van day in shanghai, when i met him at airport, he told me sorry for he did not answer the phone and he promised will not do it again. It's just like when a kid got upset, they wanna do something make themselves feel better, and i guess that was his way. I asked him if i am not coming how long would you think you will feel better and give me that call? he told me he dosen't know. but once i called his office and show up at the airport. the cold fight is just a past story. i did not ask too many questions. did not wanna dig it too deep. we will just move on...
And i am sure there is no another girl. just too much imagination :)he is type of the guy loves work and drink. He is not the one alwaying saying i love you(unless he start drink)...the Thursday morning before he went to work , he sat at part of the bed , gave me a soft kiss. that was so nice...
So i guess i can say, this is a happy ending!
2007, wish all of you have sweeter and happier love story to sharing here...
Love you all!
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I aggred with you. Siyan...
Come on girl..you are sweet and nice..you deserve to have much more better than that. Someday maybe there will be a prince who fall in love wt you..All the best.
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once i am cool down, my brain seems start to working, that feels good...
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Wolfboby, I have to give you many respects for what you did in the end. The thoughts of him hurting me with/without intention and why he needed time to think or what was in his mind would simply drive me crazy. You just decided to let it go because he chose to come back to you... You must love him so very much. I guess that's what my best friend advised "never give up". Or maybe you felt that you won him back so the credit is on you?
Well, I'd probably do the same things as you did but I would definitely need a fair make up from him, otherwise I'd never forget how I was treated... Maybe that's why you are happy now and I would not be?
Congrats anyway!
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Wolfbaby,
I know dutchies pretty well...just tell me where are you from and I will let you discover a lot of other things you may don't know yet about dutch people...
Cheers,
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Qart
18 yrs ago
he he, onefreespirit, i agree with ya, LDR are hard and actually i dont believe that they can ever work maybe 10 out of 100? Had a bf for quite sometime and then for past a year a half it was LDR and we used to talk every day on the phone at least twice or more, c each other at least once in every month... and lol, he had an extra gf there, how could i miss it i have no idea... used to visit him without even telling him in advance, but i dont know girls and guys r just the same, that gf of his she knew he had a gf so guess thats y it was easier after all to fool me?!
I dont know, maybe i just lost faith in guys in general or i want more i cant be with a guy who needs time to decide to leave or stay.. lol, and what i had with my ex?!! thought i would never meet a guy who could be as honest as he was, love me more than he did! thats sooo funny, just needed to grow up, love comes and goes and its a hard work, but if there is a small doubt about it u just need to get out, coz the more u stay there the more pain ... ah, whatever!
Good luck wolfbaby!
u really do seem too naive?!!!
Ah, sorry!!
best wishes,
Q
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I should say, life is never that easy.
After he back to Europe(3days europe then Thailand), I only got one message and call phone call at the first day.there was silence in the rest 7 days. I made two calls,two messages and one email on the 3rd and 5th days- no answers.I asked myself, what i have done wrong? well, i know i did nothing wrong but break THE RULES and put my heart in danger. so I told myself, this is the end.By the time, if i had a gun, I would consider to do something really stupid.well, instead of thinking about those stupid things. I went to Starbuck everyday with my book.Reading is a nice way to relax. Sunday evening(last night) I wento a birthday party, that was a very nice party. before i got drunk , i remember i danced with an italian and gave him my name card. The right next day, (bad news)i could not find my diamond bracelet and I really can't remember where i lost it.
Early afternoon, I got one message from my dutch boy, he said he finally back to China. sorry for not sending message to me cause the phone did not working properly in Phuket. Well,even he could not message me, he still has many ways to let me know about it.I feel kind of sick to think about this whole thing and sick to hear so many sorris. later on, I got a message from the italian man, he would like to meet me again and asked me if that's possible : )
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Siyan,
Even he did something bad, that's not means i should do something bad to return. love is not hurt each other. love is caring, loyal,forgive... and not hurt each other:)
yuukalim ,
Thanks. you really gave me a good example :) i love it.me and him,we may have the chance, maybe not.I will stay cool and stop pushing him;
stylejj,
Thanks. I don't give up easily. but the main reason i did it because he is the first one i thought about marry with.
onefreespirit,
I have stop to think this "he should do" thing, whatever,he didn't do it, right? so i stop to think about it/ stop to torture myself.
uoaini ,
I think everybody is different. I also know other dutch. one guy is my friend, we treat each other like sisters and brothers.
Skyy,
Will you always be rational when you are in love:) I like feeling to being a little girl.
Qart,
Sorry to hear your story.I prefer to being naive, even i got hurt.That keep who i am. I trust people, because I believe most of the people are worth to trust and they want to be trusted. people just get scared sometimes.I have already know what's the problem here. men, born for challenges, so I will give him.
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