Should I, should I not?

I am Chinese and my ex is American. Although I spent many years living abroad, I am still at a loss when it comes to how different cultures look at money issue.


When I lived with my ex in the States, I didn't bother to open a bank account and so my money was put into his account with the mutual understanding that it's my money, not his.


One day, it was five months into our cohabitation, he was reluctant but told me he was having sex with his client (who's a horny lonely married woman neglected by her hubby) right in his practice! Prior to his confession, I had asked him a number of times if he was sexual with any of his clients. Every single time without exception, he denied it and put me on a guilt trip:1) that I didn't have faith and trust in him and 2) that I accused him of something he would never ever do in our mutually exclusive relationship. So basically there had been many times that he looked straight into my eyes and lied blatantly.


He confessed because this client that he's sleeping with found out he's engaged (to me) and went berserk. She thought she was special to him and couldn't accept the fact that he now wanted another woman and no longer wanted to maintain the "special" relationship with her. Anyway, my ex told me because I was not a sexual person so he had to find outlet to fulfill his desire for sexual gratification. Now he feared that a lawsuit may follow and he might also lose his license to practice. He thought he should tell me then than later.


I was very angry, felt dreadful and disgusted. After 3 months of couple as well as individual counseling, I didn't feel we were going anywhere. I felt that I needed some time out, so I came back to HK to my family with the intention of returning to the States in a couple of months.


Things got really ugly after I left. His insecurity got the better of him, accused me of sleeping with other guys while in HK. I decided to call quit. And he agreed because I couldn't "live up to his expectation". He promised to give me back my money. But it was just talking and talking for months and no action. Whenever I emailed him to ask about the money, he always said business's bad and he's struggling and blah blah blah...


I doubt if his words can be honored because of the lack of integrity as I see it based on what he had done with his client and he abuses/cheats on the welfare system to be on disability income (which he also confessed to me).


Should I forget about the money and let this whole thing go. And just learn from it that never trust others with money? I mean we were engaged, he was my fiance for Christ's sake, if I can't trust him with money, who am I to trust?


On the other hand, I can't deny the fact that part of me does want my money back. If I do proceed, how should I go about wording my "request" without provoking animosity? He feels hurt and abused fairly easily - which I now understand and clearly see it's a form of manipulation.

I think you are very fortunate to have gotten out of your engagement early enough to find out about the real kind of person you were supposed to marry. You must feel relieved that you haven't exchanged wedding vows yet before you found out about him.


I'm sorry to say this, but I think you were too naive to entrust your money in his bank account with just a "mutual understanding". What proof do you have that you indeed saved xxx amount of money in HIS bank account? He can always deny it.


Given his nature, I am not too hopeful about seeing your $$ again no matter how cleverly or nicely you word your "request". I know it's easier said than done to forget about your money, but if you pursue it, you are opening yourself up to more frustration and pain without any assurance of getting a cent back.


Do you feel that the amount of money is worth all the emotional stress?


Go write him an email one last time. If he still won't give in and continue to make excuses, you have to move on with your life, forget about your money and remember all the lessons from this experience.

Do yourself a favour and "flush" your story down....forget about the money because at that time you gave it for some reasons... therefore don't look back...that simple

Put it this way, u end the relationship, u end up the money issue too. Money can always earn back, it is a matter of time only. You should not focus on the money issue or your ex's issue now but should focus how to get your life light up again. You are lucky, as you still have your family together. So, throw all the rubbishs into the bin, get up, and walk out the door.

Mpl, some how i do agreed with your points but i would stress that this take strong will and strength to fight with a jerk like him. sylvialili, if you has the strong will to do it, go ahead, but i do not hope you get "hurt" again before you can defeat him. If you are not that kind of person, it is better you let it go. Afterall, is the amount of money worth you to do it ? If it is not all about the money for you to do it, then it is not the money issue anymore here.

Hi Sylvialili,

MPLs suggestion is an option if you are already completely emotionally detached from your ex. Otherwise, if you're still vulnerable, he might just play you around and manipulate you further.


Do you still have ties back in the US or are you back in HK for good? Following MPL's advice, it might be helpful if you have a place of your own or family to stay with as I imagine it will take some legwork and paperwork. And of course you'd need some emotional lean-to when things get rough.


Whatever you decide on, I hope the results bring you peace and closure.

Thanks all.


mpl has voiced out precisely what has been sitting on my mind but I simply find it difficult to share with anyone on earth. Now that mpl has said it, I'm glad I'm not the only one with these thoughts.


Honestly, I thought to myself, how can I harbor dark thoughts like these??? Am I that vindictive??? I feel ashamed of myself having these thoughts and therefore I'd rather not doing anything about the situation until I know my intention well and also am strong enough to face what my action entails.


Now that not only mpl has put it on the plate, a few of you actually seconded the idea, I will give it a serious thought.


It's not my money involved that I'm most concerned about, it's more of his lack of integrity and professional ethics that bother the heck out of me. As mpl has pointed out, it's a pattern of behavior I'm afraid. I mean my money is lost, it's lost, it's not that big of a deal in a way, I had lost a lot more to a friend who needed money urgently but just never ever reimbursed me. I just look at it as karmic debts that I pay back. At the end, I'm grateful that it's not my life that is lost. But what really bothers me is that he's still cheating the social security. I am no martyr but I do voice out when I see injustice not only done to me but others as well.


He is a NLP trainer and hypnotherapist. I am concerned that he might pose as a danger to the society because of his profession, there are always some vulnerable women going to him to get help, but at the end what will they be getting?


Annebin, one of the things that has been stopping me from doing anything is that I'm just not sure if I'm ready to deal with this person or not. He is such a pest. My sister thinks I should bug the heck out of him until he repays me. If I do proceed to take this further, I'm definitely subjected to tremendous amount of emotional stress. I keep asking myself, do I need that kind of chaos or would I rather have serenity in my life? And that's my struggle.


It has nothing to do with revenge, and it's not about the amount of money involved, it's about one of those things that I see it as a violation of the basic principles in life that we learned in kindergarten. These are the very principles that if we all stick to, the world will be a far better place to live in. I, in a way, feel that I have the responsibility to bring him to justice.


Minimini, you're right, it's not a money issue. And I realize now that it's also not a cultural issue.


Rititt, you told me you're a man from another thread because I asked. So you're absolutely okay if your wife keeps "secret money" from you?


Maybe I'm just too naive with money: I thought, just like other things, I'd rather be completely open about it with my spouse. And I'd like to invite inputs from others, married and single.

rititt, oh sorry you are not talking about keeping money behind my hubby's back then.


But is it okay to let him know how much I've saved up? Or should I keep it a secret? As a man, which would you be comfortable with?


And of course I am a totally separate entity. When I said completely open with my spouse, I meant communication and sharing of abundance without holding back.

Thanks mpl...I've been hoping you'd say something...thanks. It's very reassuring to know that I'm on the right track...never want to be in the darkness. I'm one of those with a very fertile mind. Sometimes when thoughts keep spinning in my head, I get lost in them and can't find the light at the end of the tunnel.


I am thankful to all those who've responded and shed some light on this issue for me. Thank you and happy Chinese New Year. May abundance and good health be with you all always.

Oh sylvialili, this is a bad story.


I think Maybe you can ask him to give you the receipt for the loan. so if later things going worse, at least you will have something to prove (maybe to the court)that what you said is true. Later maybe he will deny about the loan--- you never know! And that is YOUR MONEY!

For this CNY, I hope you have a good thought what you are planning to do in your future, not only for the issue you are talking here or how you wanna to deal with this guy later, but a good planning for your own life.


A fertile mind is not a bad thing. But whatever we think and act, perhaps should take a few seconds to consider another perspective view. This is only one line crossing, if you think bad, it will turn out badly. If you think positively, it will lead you to good result.


So, if you have decided what to do in future, move on. Just think that, good things will come into your life too.


Good Luck.

It is your money..Even just one dollar, You should get it back with you. It is your right!! He is just not the right guy for you.