Posted by
mojo1221
18 yrs ago
I posted a dilema before about my bf who abuses me sexually and verbally..I am totally lost in whats going on..at this moment I am feeling like a big tidal wave is engulfing me all the time..I love him to pieces but I don't know what to do. He has hinted and proposed marriage to me three times when we were drinking, but nothing about this issue comes up when we're sober..and when he's totally drunk, we fight..I'm going deeper and deeper into this relationship. When he's his gentle self, he tells me that he is not a good man and he's sorry, and he suggests that it better for me to leave...but when I start thinking this way and tells him that maybe it is better to end our relationship, he holds me back..saying he will never find someone like me. He's never cheated on me and he doesnt lie to me, and this honesty is a common ground for both of us..i really dont know what to do. I have given up a lot of job offers because it will require me to move away from him, and once when I stood my ground with a job, he followed me there, and I have to resign from that contract...I am not a desperate person, but I am confused and hurt at seeing how our relationship is turning this way..is marriage a solution to this?
Please support our advertisers:
he's using emotional blackmail to get you to stay with him, The oh I can't cope without you, please don't leave me etc etc.
this is no basis to get married, He's holding you back get rid of him now and start dating somebody that truely deserves you.
Please support our advertisers:
If in doubt, marriage is never the solution.
There are things here that suggest that your bf is both a bit obsessive about you and the relationship and at the same time conflicted about it. At times he may not really want you as much as he lets on but he also hates the idea of losing you.
Obsessive behavior is really not a good thing in a relationship and it will lead either to a very restricted life for you or to a growing distance between the two of you over time.
I think I have to agree with kopfan and suggest that you consider seeking a healthier relationship.
If you really love him and think you should still give him a chance, I suggest you lay down some conditions. Counseling would not be a bad idea and it certainly sounds like your man should stay away from alcohol if he really cares about you. If he isn't willing to try either of these things I would say; leave before things get ugly.
Please support our advertisers:
Please go to the following link. This guy is (probably subconsciously) using psychological warfare to control and manipulate you:
http://groups.msn.com/NARCISSISTICPERSONALITYDISORDER/whatisanarcissist.msnw
It's important that you move on and let him go. I know it's difficult. I know you love him and would want to help him if he really has a psychological disorder like NPD. Unfortunately, people with NPD don't want any help, and no help can be thrust opon them. You'll find that if you stick up for yourself or try to help him, things will only get worse -- much worse.
A lot of suicide victims are victims of being in love with someone who has NPD. I know. I was almost one of them.
You'll find that once you move on, you will miss them terribly, while at the same time you'll wonder why the hell you were ever with them. It's an irony that is sadly too familiar, and definitely painful.
Please support our advertisers:
"I am not a desperate person..."
Yes you are. You were a victim of domestic abuse. I say "were" because you are now a volunteer. If you stay with someone who abuses you, you are agreeing to the continuation of the abuse. Marriage will NOT change the situation. A piece of paper - be it a marriage certificate or restraining order - will NOT be any protection against abuse.
You can either consider your own safety or just become a "punching bag". Time to make a choice and re-establish your own sense of worth.
Please support our advertisers:
Claire, even if she chooses to accept the abuse, she is still a victim. You cannot underestimate the psychological effect of abuse and the control and abuser can have on people. Don't blame the victim for not getting out (and by calling her a volunteer you're blaming her) because the insanity of the abused can only be matched by the insanity of the abuser. Sometimes to the abused it does not seem like it is a choice they are able to make.
Please support our advertisers:
I'm sorry but really, in both your threads, you give such a listing of things that are going on that it sounds caricatural.
I know I'll sound extremely harsh and not much empathic, but I have trouble believing any of your threads, given the way you put things.
I mean the answers are already in your text, I wonder what you really expect people to say when they read you apart from: "come on, you sound like you know exactly what you're doing by writing this!"
Ok, that may be enough to be banned, sorry Ed, not my intention to be banned, but I just can't help doubting the whole thing...
Please support our advertisers:
tpm> Wrong, I come across abused women in my work. I see what they go through and see the constrants of HK societal and cultural expectations. I see the bargaining and excuses... "He only hits me but I'll leave if he hits the kids." "He started to hit the kids but he only does it when he's drunk." "We have nowhere to go." "We have no money". Etc. Etc.
Staying with the abuser is a choice, as is leaving. Yes I know that getting away from abuse is a long process but it sometimes needs tough talking to help the person to start to think about that process. What should I have said? If he loves you he will stop. If you marry him he will stop. You just haven't loved him enough. Don't do anything to make him angry. Love conquers everything. Etc. Etc.
Personally I would not say such things to a "victim" and then tell them to stick it out. Although I have actually heard other people say those things. She is the only person to can make the decision to save herself which she will make in her own time - or not. And to do that she needs to stop thinking of herself as a victim and to get on the road to being a survivor.
The victim-volunteer concept is not mine. It comes from someone who works in the field - who has saved lives - and although it may upset some people, it is the reality of the situation.
Please support our advertisers:
"Move On" Desperate,sure sounds like it.Alcohol seems to be in the abuse picture every time.Tell him to join "A.A" and both of you get some counselling.Or move on.Plenty of fish as the saying goes.Don't mean to be harsh but this is an Adult conversation is it not.Don't be co-dependent
Please support our advertisers:
I think you should stay with him and be more tolerant of his idiosyncrsies.
If you marry him things will improve. You might consider taking anti-depressants too so that your mood doesn't bring him down.
Please support our advertisers:
Justin> if anyone should be banned, it is the person you are referring to - not you - for giving such deplorable "advice".
Please support our advertisers:
@@
18 yrs ago
Dear Mojo,
You really need to find the strength to leave this man.
I know (from some experience) how you can become trapped in a relationship and not feel worthy of a better life/partner.
Let me say you most certainly do deserve better!
It can take the strength of 10 men to get out of an abusive relationship, that's why you need to call on your family and friends and let them know what is happening to you. They will be able to give you the help you need, not just getting out but also learning to live a positive lifestyle.
Good Luck, I wish you the best.
Please support our advertisers:
Obviously sarcasm from setanta.But i didn't see any mention of physical abuse on this post/plea,i know verbal abuse can be just as bad.But we are hearing one side is cofused prefect or what part does she play in this scenario.Again alcohol can blur the senses and cause a little bit of bias. My 2 fen
Please support our advertisers:
@@
18 yrs ago
There is mention of sexual and verbal abuse in the first line of the post.
Please support our advertisers:
And never returns to her threads...
Please support our advertisers:
Claire> Did you read what my advice was? I said she should leave him. I'm saying she's a victim, but she should leave him. You're placing the blame on her for not leaving.
"Hard love" does not work with people in this circumstance. I know. I WAS one. Not "worked with" them. I was the abused.
I needed someone to tell me "Poor Man, I really feel sorry for you and you deserve better. You're a good person and you can do better. But you have to leave her."
With such advice it would have been much easier for me to leave than if someone says to me "Why do you let her do that to you, you loser?" which would make me feel even more strongly that I would be helpless without her.
Please support our advertisers:
i love you all for being good to me..i can't leave.i have nowhere to go at the moment..i have no job..my career,what career..sad truth..i dont want to go home..
Please support our advertisers:
You must be logged in to be able to reply.
Login now
Copy Link
Facebook
Gmail
Mail