Depressing...



ORIGINAL POST
Posted by sodere 18 yrs ago
I do not know whether this topic has been done to death of this forum. Honestly, I did not run the search function because no two cases can be exactly the same.


My husband and I have been married for over 2 years now. We had an LDR (not physical as we both chose to keep it that way) for 2 years before we got married. We were both married earlier - me (very briefly) and he, longer (5 years). Anyway, after marriage, I discovered that my spouse had little interest in sex. Since we were both in our 30s, I did not expect us to be behaving like a pair of teenagers who had just discovered sex but at the same time, I did not think we were too old to be having sex at least 3 or 4 times a week, if not everyday. A few days into the marriage, he told me that he did not miss sex anymore - not having had sex/been in a physical relationship eversince he broke up with his ex. I remember feeling shocked, angry and shortchanged (in that order) because if I had any inkling of this, I would never have gotten married to him. Anyway, I tried to put it behind me but during the months that followed, there was little affection in/out of bed. Frequency of sex was like once a month (what I missed was not the sex per se, but the togetherness that comes with being in an intimate relationship). He would come back from work, have dinner and watch TV till late in the night (by which time I would be asleep). In addition to the issue of sex, there were a few other things which troubled me like his tendency to snap at me when I least expected it and also snaps of his ex which I discovered locked away in his desk drawer (to which only he had the key). And here I was, wanting to be a perfect wife to my husband (even gave up my career and a well-paying job to be with him).


After suffering in silence for over one year, I decided to talk it out with him - well, the sex has become more frequent now, but I seem to have dulled libido simply because I do not feel the intense love I had for him in the beginning and also because in some remote corner of my mind, I feel that he is doing it only because I protested about us living like flatmates. I do go through the motions of sex but at times I feel I would rather be sleeping.


I have lost my self-esteem. Can't help wondering why he was like that with me - is it just that he is not physically attracted to me? He is definitely better than average in terms of looks while I am just about average (added to which is the fact that although everybody thinks I am slim, he does not. He prefers the stick-thin types) OR is it that he is still not over his ex? I refuse to buy that argument of his regarding abstinence having an effect on his libido.


Not looking for some flippant remarks but serious inputs.


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COMMENTS
kopfan888 18 yrs ago
The spark is definately gone for sure, could be stress at work etc that could be part of the problem itself from his side. He may not be over his ex if he's still keeping photo's locked away, How different are you to his ex for example?


Thought about trying to get away for say a spa weekend or for you to get yourself a makeover to help with your low self esteem.



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tia 18 yrs ago
Is he depressed, clinically? My husband is and when he is on his medication, his sex drive is pretty much non-existent....which sucks because we are LDR and when I go to see him, well, I have expectations and needs. He is aware of this and we're working with his meds to make it better.


It sounds like there is something he is not dealing with, something that is making him want to just exist and not really live his life. Work, come home, TV, eat, bed is (in my opinion) not much of a life.


I know what you mean about missing the intimacy of sex. You miss the holding, the touching, all the other good stuff as well as the sex. I had to point this out to my hubby as well. Even if his meds are making him feel less than amorous, we still cuddle, kiss, touch - basically make out like teenagers....well, older teenagers.


Talk to him and see if he is willing to go see a doctor, to talk to someone about the fact that he might be suffering mild depression. It's a hard subject to bring up, but you are doing it out of love and concern for your future together as husband and wife.


Best of luck. *hugs*

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JFK888 18 yrs ago
If you make sure he has less interest in sex. As per my experience it is very difficult to change anything. My gf is in the same case, she can tell and share with me what happen, it doesn't involve 3rd party. Just she doesn't love it. As I don't want to make it as obligation. I'd let the way go like that more than 3 years.


So it is very important if both of you would share and compromise!

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JFK888 18 yrs ago
Sorry for any confusion. We have sex but not very often, say once per month. I think it is totally different from no sex life!!

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zonked 18 yrs ago
According to you, JCPD, a relationship/marriage survives only on good sex??

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the_poor_man 18 yrs ago
Just another reason -- actually the MAIN reason why NSBM (no sex before marriage) is a very, very stupid choice to make.

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the_poor_man 18 yrs ago
zonked, I don't think a relationship can possibly survive with very little to no sex if one of the parties has a normal, healthy libido. Unless the parties reach an "arrangement" or allow sex outside of the marriage.


Maybe the OP should ask her husband, in a serious and respectful way, if she should find a lover, and if he would accept that.

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zonked 18 yrs ago
Agreed, JCPD. Calm down.


I'm myself a believer in good sex being imp in a r'ship. If you remember in one of the threads actually you were taking the opposite side saying that there are different phases....

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sodere 18 yrs ago
My husband is not a closet gay. Nor is he clinically depressed. That much I know, for sure. He has some work pressure but not to the extent where it gets control of his personal life.


Why did we take the 'No sex before marriage" stand? For those of you who are asking... Well, let's say culture, tradition, religion and personal experience dictate the way we think about sex/marriage. Having said that, I ought to add that despite what happened (did not happen, would be more appropriate) after marriage, I still do not regret not having had a 'dress rehearsal'.


JCPD, I agree with you 100 percent - sex does make one feel loved and wanted and it does make a marriage stronger [Before someone pounces on me, yes, there are exceptions to every rule and so you may have a great marriage with little action in the bedroom or a bad marriage with great sex]. I was never under any illusion about my looks (which are mediocre, at best - was always known more for my brains and good dress sense than actual good looks). My husband, on the other hand, is quite good looking. This assessment is very objective and not as a result of my low self-esteem pursuant to being in a not-so-perfect relationship. But yes, I have begun wondering whether I am that unattractive for him to feel asexual? Or is it some deeper problem, like him comparing me with his ex (who, he thinks is pretty?) And now that the sex life has revved up, I find myself wondering whether he is simply doing me a favour or whether he is fantasising about someone else while making love to me.

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marieantoinette 18 yrs ago
interesting! Is bad sex better than no sex? some people on other threads might think so! How about sex that's regular and over in 60 seconds? Also have low self-esteem over the issue, but trying to develop a sense of humour about it. After 40, does sex go full circle, so that you end up having wham-bam teenage sex with out the pimples and car seat burns? If your partners eyes DO roll in the back of his head like a great white going in for the kill JC, should I be worried? Personally, in my case, I think I could actually be absent from the proceedings, with little change to the outcome! My partner's obviously having British-builder-sex, you know, 60 seconds work with a 7 hour break period afterwards........No point in complaining though, I have a few courses of action:

1) Buy him a years subscription to Cosmo

2) Have an AA route map tattooed over my body to show him the start and end points (and how to take the scenic route, not the fastest motorway) or

3) Become an avid DIY enthusiast.


Apparently it's because i turn him on too much, but if that's the case, Pamela Anderson won't be getting any at all.........................


Oh, one other thing, since when did "Get your kit off.." qualify as foreplay?

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marieantoinette 18 yrs ago
I myself, gave up reading Cosmo when I was still trying to find my 'G' spot and then found out there was an 'H', 'I' and 'J' spot too! Doh, I should've stopped and asked for directions..........

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marieantoinette 18 yrs ago
But they won't stop and ask for directions either!

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