A very long story...and 1001 questions

Here's my situation. I'm in my 20s and am based in China. Dating situation is basically dire. I travel all the time and basically spend maybe at most 2 weekends in SH on average per month.


I used to date this guy when I was in BJ and I moved to SH due to career reasons. Our long distance relationship fizzled out fast because he doesn't believe in long distance. Yet he calls me almost every other week. He now finally has the money and time to come to BJ to see me (a struggling entrepreneur who's finally made it). According to him, he hasn't seen me in 2-3 months and he misses me. We dated for 1.5 years and during my 1.5 years here in SH, I've never stopped thinking of him and we talk quite regularly.


Then, there's the intense work load here in SH and I ended up settling for this guy who's just crazy over me. He told me he probably would even relocate with me if I ever return to my home country. Kind of like the guy I turn to when I'm bored and lonely.


I've just finished my 3rd yr in China and have had a great career so far. However, I'm thinking of relocating away from SH because I simply dislike the place. My heart is in BJ for the man that I love, yet my mind tells me that it is time to go to a place like either Singapore or HK because it's better in terms of exposure for my career. My problem is that I'm quite work focused and my career really matters to me. Yet, I'm worried that I might end up giving up this guy whom I think is the one for me. He claims that he loves me but is not in a position to commit to anything because ensuring that his business works is his main preoccupation.


Career wise, I'm doing well but am getting tired of the immense work load which I think I'm not learning much from anymore. I work more than 12 hours every day, and when I'm on a business trip, which is often, it's like working 24 hours continuously barring sleep. I don't feel mentally challenged/stimulated anymore. I came straight to China after graduating from college, and have work experience mainly in China. The deal flow and opportunities here in China in terms of job scope is great, and people are amazed by what I've done here within a short time period. But I miss being surrounded by young professionals of my type and having people who can relate to me to talk to. Essentially, the social life here is terrible, and I think the social/intellectual emptiness of it is getting to me. I love the entrepreneurial energy here in China, the culture, the history, and the sense of possibilities. Yet, I miss the world outside, which is more attainable in cosmpolitan cities like HK or SG.


There's lots of guilt feeling for being away from my family too.


It's so hard to lay out all the facts without getting more long-winded.


I've the following options:

- Remain in SH, remain in my comfort zone, remain in the company of a man who adores me but whom I don't feel much for

- Get out of China and head to Singapore or HK

- Relocate to BJ for Mr BJ and get work with a different company that's more challenging

Wow! Well said Goldenleaves. :)

Actually, I don't think I'm an escapist. I want my cake and eat. I want a career, be with the man I love and have a great social life.


Well, with my current work schedule, I doubt it's possible to have a great social life. I'm hardly in town, get off work at 8-10pm everyday, spend my weekends working or studying.


Anyway, it's beginning to boil to a point where I don't even want to be in Mr SH's company. So down that I think I might be better off alone rather than compromise on the quality of companionship. Yet at times, loneliness drives me towards him. It's such a lowly existence.


In the past, I could easily go to any bar, and men would chat me up. Now, I suspect my life has made me so tense and serious that I think it repels others. I used to think that I would meet a cosmopolitan crowd in SH, BJ...we would have stimulating conversations over great wine etc. Rather, what I get is either DVD talk or Mr China-know-it-all talk (from a misguided and godly The Economist perspective) or where's the next best foot massage or food place. I mean, is that all to China from an expat's perspective?


Are men that important? People around me are already getting married and I keep getting told that I should find someone before it;s too late. It's scary. I truly believe that the gender gap has truly closed and that I'm capable of having a career like any man. Rather, I'm beginning to feel that 'finding a man' is still a societal expectation in Asia, and especially in China.

u sound burnt out, or near- burnout. it is clear that u are not happy in ur job. change ur job first sort out the men second


(i don't understand how u can say the dating/social scene is better in bj!, in my experience sh is best)

I agree with Stauntonstreet.I hooked up with someone 23 years ago. I was 18. Some of my friends thought I was nuts, but here we are, still together and many of them are alone, but they have better careers.I'd rather be in my situation than theirs. and they'd rather be in theirs than mine, which is married with children. I couldn't be as happy without a husband and kids, but maybe you won't have regrets. I think you love the man and should center your life around him and see if it works out. Otherwise, you will regret it or wonder what could have happened. I'm a foreigner in HK.

but I can't just move to a city for someone, I'm not even convinced if he truly cares about me and that it is worth it. Keeps calling me to tell me that he misses me, and still dating other girls. He said he will not ask me to relocate to BJ because he found the relationship draining when we were together. But why does he still keep contacting me and asking if he could come visit me because he misses me. I'm lost. Anyway, I've concluded that I should not let it distract me. Too much negative energy.