Still stuck in that tunnel...

I appreciate your advice, pls. Sorry, the story is a bit long.


I was told that there’s always light at the end of a tunnel. But until now, I am still searching for my way out. I would love to hear a bit of advice from you guys esp from Justincredible cos I once knew her personally. And she always give good advice at this forum. I also want to apologize for not being a good friend to her. And thank her for giving me a chance back in HKG - 2000.


I feel that I have never been given a good chance in life.

I was born to a chronic womanizer father and money was always tight.

I can’t say much about my mother. She sacrificed a lot. But since I was little, I always feel that she couldn’t protect her children.

I was a good student but I feel I could do more if I just had enough fund to pursue my study and my interests. I didn’t have that chance coz my father thought girls should just stay at home and serve their husband.


I managed to get scholarship but was asked to take a course that they want me to take, not what I think was best for me. So I failed.

English was not my first language, and I couldn’t go to local university as we had no money. So, I have problem to land a good job.


At 23, I moved to HKG, landed few decent jobs, I even managed to buy a nice house with my income. I thought life started to be on my side.

I am attractive, kind, brave and although I don’t have univ degree, I am intelligent and hardworking. I never had a relationship because I was afraid of men.

At 24, I married someone who told me he’s totally different from my father. I was so much in love. We were so much in love. We seemed happy, but his family refused to accept me coz I’m Asian.


I stayed in the marriage for 6 years. People close to me always advised me to dump him. But my mind told me he was the only man who loved me. I did everything I could to save my marriage, against the advice of all my friends and bosses. I did plenty stupid things for him, some hurt ppl that close to me, and even myself, so that I could be with him. I lost friends and change jobs just for him. If u think I stayed because of his money, he was not rich. When we just got married, I worked 2 jobs to help him in HKG. He was a salesman and studying for his degree at that time.


In 2003, we finally decided to get divorce as he could no longer stand his family’s pressure. I didn’t ask for anything. Coz we still love each other. I even let him keep all the furniture. We still had good relationship after the divorce. Until a year ago, when his family found him a new wife. It was ok with me… until he told me to kill myself. I could not believe it until now that he could say such thing. Whatever love and respect I still had for him disappear at that moment. It happened just like that, without any warning. Btw, he told that to my mother and through sms, as usual. Whenever he wanted a separation or divorce, he could never face me. Luckily, we have no children.


Prior to that, starting mid-2005, I am facing financial difficulty as I no longer hold stable job. As he is now in a much higher position and financially better off, he gave me some money to start our business in Malaysia. He told me to take it as a divorce settlement. Our relationship was still good, he even mentioned about us getting back together. That was before his mother found him the wife. In less than 6 months, he asked for the money back to pay for his wedding. Btw, he just bought an apartment close to USD1 million. And he asked me to return that USD25K he gave me. When he gave me that money, I was so touched by his kindness. Even though he told me not to pay him back, I promised myself that I’ll pay him when biz starts to gain profit. But when he asked for it less than 6 months after, I was so devastated. I feel so betrayed. Especially after he told me to kill myself. I don't mind he's getting married, it was the right thing for him to do. But I couldn't understand the way he treated me, like garbage.


Since then, I was in huge debts. I sold my house to pay the debts. I closed the business. I do some freelance jobs and still looking for permanent job (it’s not easy) to support myself and my family. I want to take some courses at local univ but money is always tight. I was so ashamed of myself. I see my life as a failure. I told all my friends, local and expats, not to contact me anymore and changed my numbers. They are all good ppl. My former boss in HKG even came to visit me to see how I was doing. They always support me. But I couldn’t face them anymore. Once, I had a good job, a good life, a group of good ppl around me. But I never listened to them and always do what my ex asked from me. Some of you might say I deserved this. Perhaps I do. But where should I go from here?


For those who think I am a typical poor Asian women married to European - a gold digger - you are wrong. After our marriage and after he completed his study, he received one promotion after another. At his position, he could well afford me. But I choose to work and be financially independent. I paid for my own food, condominium etc (we lived & worked in different country, meet every 2 weeks). Ppl think it was a very strange arrangement but I was proud being able to support myself and live comfortably. That was then.


I don’t know when this will end. It’s been more than 3 yrs since my divorce. It’s been a year since he told me to kill myself. But I still feel sad. I still cry at night, I blame myself for being a failure, for not listening to others. Ppl around me here told me I deserved to be treated this way. Family (not close family) asked me to remarry but I am not ready for relationship. In my society, they look down at divorced women esp. those without children. What I want most now is just a good permanent job with a good salary so that I could afford to take care of myself and my mother. And perhaps have enough money to buy another house and pursue my study. But I haven't see the way out yet.



Thanks for reading,


32 yo, freelance local writer, Malaysia.

People face ups & downs in life , take any successfull person he/she would once in lifetime would have gone thru some crysis .having said that i would advice you to get back to your old friends and I am pretty sure they would pardon you for your mistakes .consolidate your self start a new life with new vigor and forget what has happened to you in past .Take advantage of what is good of your or u are good at and work on it and I am sure you would make a headway.In future you would refer these days as your learning lessons .


My Advice would be get over this thing and start a new life and be with them who think good about you . I feel that guy was not worth for you and what has happened has happened for your good .


Dan

Hi there,


Thank u so much for ur kind words and encouragement. I havent been able to 'talk' to anyone since the past one year. It took me a lot of courage to bare almost all here.


Since last year, all I heard was "She deserved this, for marrying a foreigner". "Don't do this, or that, or you'll end up like her". No one asked me how I felt except my former bos who came to visit me all the way from HKG. But then I didnt tell him coz I was afraid I would cry in public:-)


Most family members were now laughing at me. When u no longer have $, u r nothing in their eyes. They forget everything I did for them when I was well. I didnt ask them to pay me back. But I just wish that they look back a little and ask me how I feel and think about my feeling before telling their sons and daughters not to follow my steps. My sin was that I love too much. And that I dare to break away from the conventional.


I did try to find jobs here and there. I was determined to start a new life and not living in fear and regret. But so far, I only managed to get some freelance jobs from former company that hire me. They knew I am good at what I am doing. The rest, they asked if I hv degree or if I knew somebody important to back me up. I've been away fr my country for nearly 10 yrs. They didnt care that I have many yrs experience overseas or the good recommendation I received from former employers. That I am willing to learn new things or I am a fast learner. It's no longer important. What they need is a scroll or connection.


That's why I am still stucked here. Dont know where to go. Its not that I dont try to start a new life. But its harder this time coz I am nothing in my own country. Its very funny, I had a good life in HKG, Jakarta and Singapore. But when I returned to my own country, I lost everything I had. It's not so much about the material things coz I believe if I have the chance and work hard again, I will one day get it back. But the worst is when u lose the respect fr the ppl that u love dearly.


Trying my luck again in other country do cross my mind. But the reality is that the company who wants to hire me have to provide me Employment Visa. Back in 1998 it was easy, but not now.


Woz's Pup - I do hope one day I can love again. But for now, I feel nausea each time my family introduced me to a potential future husband. It's so disgusting for them to think it's the only way out. But I do hope u r right, that not all unattached men are like him:-)

I took the chance in falling in love. Unfortunately, the first man I loved was the wrong one for me. I blamed myself for being so blind. Ppl try hard to make me see, but I chosed to stay blind.


Scorpiomale, thanks for u advice. I did try to start new life and still doing it. But I couldnt go back to my old friends coz I have erased their contact details. I was afraid that I, whether knowing it or not, will disppoint them again in the future. That's why I took such an extreme measure.


Justin Credible, thank u again and again for ur friendship. You've got mail!


I just wonder if a person like me do have a chance in this world.

Les Mis


I understand yr point about Asian/Malay prejudice but if I hear what you said.. not all gloom & doom.. The silver lining is there.. you have yr Mom, your skills, friends (like JC..), etc. etc. What goes around comes around.. your time will come. Have FAITH in life, & yrself.


San2 fu2 yau hai go yat yaat,

Heng2 soong2 yau hai go yat yaat.

Lei yew gaan deem yong go yaat ji?

First of all I would like to thank everyone here for your encouragement. When I received the first 3 replies yesterday, I cried reading them. For one year, I was looking for ppl to offer me their kind words instead of just critisizing me.


It's true I made some mistakes in my life and for the past 1.1 yr, there's never one night I didnt cry, theres never one day I didnt fear fr what could happen to me and my family. For 1.1 yr I try to analyze my life. Asking why I deserved this. I've been extremely good to my close and distant family, love my ex-hubby to stupid, I didn't gamble (except few time playing Mark Six with group of friends and one time actually win big, yeah!). I don't take alcohol, smoke or do drugs (big sins in my society). I just want to improve my life and help the ppl who needs me. So why punish me this hard? I have stop asking that question. I've stop praying that my ex will be strucked by thunder. I just want this to be over and for them to help me start a new life. If they can't give $, at least give me kind words, encouragement, for me to move on. Help me forget the past.


Unfortunately I didn't find that compassion here in my own country with the ppl who is currently around me. I'm not saying that Malaysia is bad, that I prefer to be out of here. I love this country and I wish so much to be able to live here fr good. I wish they give me the chance, the job that match my experience. I want to be here and be accepted.


In the end, I think for my own sanity, I decided to post my worry and fear here to receive compassion and advice fr strangers and fr JC. In just 2 day, my heart feels so much lighter.


I start to see that small light at the end of this tunnel. I am walking towards it now and hope to reach there soon. I am not out yet, but I've seen the light.


We dont know each other (except for JC), but I appreciate this so much. I wish I could talk this to my good friends in SG. But well, I couldn't retrieve back their numbers on my laptop:-)


Anyway, merci beaucoup mes amis. Et grand bisous.

Les Mis


Nice to hear yr feeling better.. after going thru sh*t myself, I guess to climb out of the hole requires part yr own attitude & part leaving it to nature/time/etc. to take its course..


Like growing a plant.. you choose the right soil, plant the seed, find the best possible place with enough sun, water & tender loving care... but still you need sun/rest to do their work.. cannot rush certain things.


Already you made some right moves.. & headed the right direction. All the best.


On KL.. I guess timing not right not the place. I'm a KL boy but spent the last 18 yrs of my life outside looking in.. so much so I feel like a stranger yet, I miss it so much. A few yrs ago I

tried to return & many friends & family were supportive. But I guess still how much can they do for us? "Low haai ji gei jauw chut lei geh"

(路是自己走出來的)


After having lived in Kunming, Shanghai, Jakarta, now Singapore.. I guess KL will always be special but "Wherever I lay my hat, that's my home?"

Home is where the heart is.

Golden Leaves, I've been trying to start new life since last yr but becoming more and more depressed when everyday i had to listen to my elders lecturing me. Living in a traditional Malay community, I am expected to just listen, dont argue & respect them, even if they're wrong & taking out whatever positive energy left in me. I was not like this before, i was so confident, so positive with life and daring to try new things, until i return home & hit rock bottom. Now, i've just woke up fr my deep slumber & realize it's time for me to make that drastic move. Ppl say if u cant beat them, then join them. In my case, i cant join them, and i know i cant beat them - so i hv decided to run fr them. I hope this will be one of the very few smart decision I'd ever made in my life.


Rice Pay, KL boy. yeah that's what happen. I returned home thinking i miss it so much after 9+ yr, family wanting me home, I could no longer afford my kind of life in SG & was too proud to compromise with less - esp with an ex promosing a better future at home with our new biz. Plus I want to return to my roots & living in real nature with trees, beaches, monkeys etc in Borneo... u know those dreams. Thinking if i can make it in other countries, it will be piece of cake in my own. I realize now that's not the case. It has become a long nightmare.


Anyway, i have decided trying KL for few mths. U mentioned KL not the right place to be at this moment. As S'pore PR I can always go back and try my luck there but cost of living is twice higher than M'sia. With my very limited fund, its not the right time yet to move to SG. I do miss SG esp now & thought I've made a home there. When I moved fr HKG to SG, I was a bit concern with stories of locals not liking M'sian. Turns out that my fear was totally baseless. I was well accepted by local Chinese and expats.


I hv hotel & internet travel & BM creative writing (media) background. I'm doing some research on internet for any possibility. But if any of u here hv job leads, appreciate so much if u can drop me a line pls:-D


I still hope that M'sia will be my last destination. It has becoming harder now for me to leave my family again. But if I hv to do it for our own good, I will not hesitate.


It's so strange to think that what i need is just a few positive words here & to reconnect with JC to make me see the positive side of life again. I wish I did this sooner but I dont feel comfortable exposing my life & failure for the world to see. This was my last resort & I'm glad I did it. Now I know how, what & where to start again. Looking back at my life tonight, esp since the past 1 yr, i think i hv become more mature, more humble & less attached to the material world. I am willing to try anything or to start from the very bottom again, just to hv that chance in life. And one day, I hope I will be able to find & visit all my good friends:-)

Good that you have gained your confidence and not down and out as you were in the begining .do not worry things will look up and would have a great life ...


Best of Luck


Dan

Hi Les Mis


Apa kabar? Just came back fr Krabi. Went there for the break I was yearning for a while.. Good break, good place.. Quiet & peaceful for some reflection.


I always feel KL is btw Jkt & Sgp. Just right & ideal place to stay in... Hope you had some luck since the last time you posted. Sgp? Actually, it's not as expensive as generally perceived. Yes, cars & housing are expensive (& getting dearer due to top-end demands) but I guess the daily expenses are not too bad.


For the same quality (say food or fashion), Jkt can cost you at least double. Of course, it's dearer vs KL if you convert.. but if you're based in Sgp & earn S$ it's not so bad. Sorry I don't have much leads in yr area but my general knowledge tells me Sgp, BKK or HKG seem to be the place to be. And as it is, Sgp/Hkg has the edge over the other 2 due to yr past connections. And btw the 2, Sgp is easier due to yr PR & HK tougher for the permits. Anyway, you know best.


Be yourself.. Have faith..


Semoga Sukses!

Dear Everyone here who has been so kind & gave me words of encouragement:-)


I would like you guys to know that I feel a lot better now than the time I post this "cry for help". I have made an arrangement to move to the big city, sent my latest resume and called a few companies in SG & KL. And managed to get at least 3 interviews in KL this May. I hvnt got an offer yet BUT I am positive that thre's something for me out there. Plus there's definitely an offer as freelance with a media company - it's not fulltime but at least I hv something to work on while waiting for a permanent offer.


I do wish to work again in SG but for now, my fund only allows me to live in KL. However, let's see what future holds for me:-D And my future plan also include, going back to school.


Rice Pay, u r right, Singapore is not that expensive. But for a start, lodging is still cheaper here in KL. If I use my fund now to be in SG, I can only survive max 1 month. And I dont know if I could get fulltime job within 1 mth. What I want - SG. What I can afford - KL. So, off to KL I go....


However, I find cost of living in SG is cheaper than Jakarta, strange ya? I mean, you can get big houses with pool and everything starts from USD 1,500. but then u hv to pay extra cost for gardener, maids, pools cleaner, driver, electricity & phone bills r higher etc etc etc. And I felt that i somehow loss my privacy with all these around me. Not to mention the medical for non-local is more expensive, and books, and even to travel, with USD 100 fiscal tax u hv to pay everytime u leave the country. But it doesnt mean everything was bad. No, I still hd a good life and fond memory of my life in Jakarta.


Anyway, last but not the least, a very special thank you to JC for making this a lot easier for me to do.


Thank you everyone...

If in KL, look at the options available for evening tertiary courses, which you can also possibly take a bank loan.

I was relocated to Msia for some time & had colleagues who took this path. Not easy but they made it.


Wish you all the best.

Heh JC you got mail,

Les Mis, believe me if you really want something or someoene then just keep fighting for it and pushing yourself, you will get there and anyway whats wrong with being in a tunnel, some of my best mates earn a damm good living designing/working in tunnels!!(half hearted attampt at a joke, hope it made you smile).


good luck

Pupalicious, I am not looking for a life full of luxury. I would be lying if I say I don’t miss it but I no longer yearn for this kind of superficial luxury. I had this kind of life before, but when I think of it, I was not happy at all with my personal life.


Imagine having a husband who one day tell u that u r the love of his life, that he couldn’t live w/out u, but deep inside u know maybe next day he will say it’s time for u to go coz his mother dont want u in his life. A husband who one day said he wants to start a family with u to show how much he loves u. And when u get pregnant, he asked u to abort the baby coz his mother told him so. Well, I never had abortion, I lost all my 3 pregnancies when it was 5 to 7 weeks and until now I still couldn’t forgive myself for having miscarriage.


It’s true I once lived in luxury, but not all from his money, I work to pay my own bills coz he like it that way. He was proud of his independent wife. I lived in luxury, but does anyone wants to have such kind of life? I stayed because I was so hopelessly in love and believing so much in the power of love. There were times when I was strong enough to pack my bag and leave, but then he came crying and begging on my feet, not to leave him, saying he didn’t know how to live without me. Then I unpacked my luggage coz I was afraid that if I leave, it will jeopardize his career. I was thinking about HIS family back home that put so much hope on him. I was so weak and couldn’t stick to my decision. Like JC said, it’s a long story – I believe no one wants to have that kind of “luxury” life.


And besides, If I really want to have that, I can just go to local pubs and try to seduce rich gweilo here. Or be the 2nd or 3rd wife of some guy here. That will be the easiest and surest way to enjoy the kind of life I used to have before. I would make many ppl happy. But I won’t be happy coz this is not what I want. I don’t know, perhaps I should just do that. But as long as I am still able to work, I won’t do it. And for now, I don’t want to have another man in my life again…. I had enough of that. U cannot imagine how it feels to be scared of men and yet you have to act normal. I know I need a lot of therapy on this but that’s another story when I can afford to pay for therapist hehehe....


There’s a lot of regrets and sorry in my life. I still cant bring myself to forgive and to forget. But there’s no point living in the past. I need to work and focus on my goals – work & study! My confidence is back – thanks to the ppl I “met” in this forum. I don’t mind starting from basic again – meaning sharing accommodation & taking BMW (Bas Mini Wilayah) to office, eating at mamak stall That’s what I am going to do this May.

I love my family dearly, but they don't always give the best advice. Same with you: Shame on your family for not giving you the support you need, for not believing in you! Obviously, they cannot get beyond their own cultural limitations, but that doesn't mean that you need to limit or measure yourself by that same, flawed standard. And your ex, he's a worthless sod. He was happy to have the benefits of a wife without any of the responsiblity. I hope that when he asked you for the money back, you told him "where to go." As a matter of fact, a quite reasonable reply would have been to say, "well, if you want to renegotiate our property division, I'll be happy to revisit the issue after full financial disclosure." So glad to say that since you made your original post you have made positive steps toward the changes that need to be made. That is the sign of a person who really has the strength and character to make it! I applaud you and hope you will continue to move forward even when it seems really hard!

What do they say?


What goes around comes around...

Life's a journey, uphill or downhill.. try best to enjoy the trip..


With age, perceptions change (or is it improved rationalising skills?!) ;o) Don't you agree many a times it's a matter of perception?


Don't have to go far.. look around us.. whatever it is, there are ppl around us who are deeper sh*t than us. Count ourselves lucky we still have our sanity!


Well, Les Mis.. Biar putih mata jgn putih tulang!

Hi Everyone,


I would like to thank everyone here, esp to JC for ur encouragement & support during most hardest moment in my life.


I'm now in KL & just landed my dream job which comes with good pay and exclusive accomodation!! I came to KL with much lower expectation, just want to get any decent job, not expecting high salary, not looking for exclusive accomodation, just looking 4 an apt to share bla bla bla. Nothing more than that. But now I get more than that! In fact, I'm still tryng to convince myself that this is real.


This will not happen if i dont "meet" u guys here. And finding my long lost friend JC. Million thanks fr me:-D I hope I could do the same to some other lost soul in the future.


Now I think I can say that:

"I'M NO LONGER IN THAT DARK TUNNEL NOW" :-D


Thank U!

Hi LM-


I was very touched to read your whole story today, and to know that you've landed a great job. You truly deserve it, esp. afterall the hardship you've been through.


The first paragraph of your story reminded of my own life, and the later part to a lesser extent, my mother's.


Recently she told me the most painful experience in her life was when she chose to separate from my father in 2000-2001. But after establishing herself in a new town, new friends she says it's also the best decision she has made in her life.


So yes-there is always light at the end of the tunnel. You're still young and have a chance to rebuild your life.


Stay strong and hugs from another person who is "outside looking in"


JC- I wish I had a real life friend like you

Hope to find a true friend as nice as JC =)

Hi Les Mis


Happy for you. There is light after all, eh?


Must say you are real lucky it's KL and not SG 'cos expats/foreigners down-south are complaining about the crazy hikes in rentals!


Keep in touch.