need advice...boyfriend's sapping my energy

I have a colleague who's exactly like your husband- always talking, complaining and in need of attention. She drains me totally too and I ignore her sometimes when it gets too much.


Your boyfriend is very high maintenance. Why stay with someone who saps rather than energises you? You should feel better, not worse when you're around him.

i think aijin had it right the first time: he sounds like he's got ADD or ADHD. but i am not a doctor, that's just IMHO.


at least it's just his motormouth and not any truly destructive behavior.


i think you're annoyed with him because...he's starting to bore you. it's the beginning of the end: the very traits you used to love so much, are now beginning to grate on your last nerve....* of course i don't wish that for you! but that's what it sounds like.


* exactly as JC describes above

do you think it's time to end the romance and eventually transition to being just friends? (ouch)


the more you describe his behavior, the more it sounds like he really has a condition that he simply can't help, even when he promises to try.


unfortunately, as you say it saps your energy and, more tellingly, you "feel much more positive, energized and open to other people when he is not around".


you do say you have no other problems with him but is this one problem starting to outweigh the good in your relationship? is it time to cut him loose, or can you stick around and help him address this?

If you can't tolerate his behavior any longer,

if he constantly makes you feel anxious,

and it's clearly an issue of significant incompatibility,

then it might be best to go your separate ways and stay friends.


I used to work closely with a guy who's very similar to your bf, and back then, he would really get on my nerves. He has no concept of "quiet time" and personal space that it can get very irritating.

Yes Zelda. I'd love to know why you are still with your bf as well. I normally cannot last until the 2nd date with such a man ... Sorry for being honest!

I have dated both extreme types.. TO be honest, i prefer the talkative one... The quiet one would sit there for more than an hour for dinner and hardly utter a word....Felt like we've been marrried for decades when we actually dated only for few months... Zelda, your boy friend does sound like he's got self-esteem problem.. He needs to realize that if you don't like your own company, nobody will.. He needs to learn to enjoy the time being alone... If you think there's still a lot of good quality in him and the relationship is worth saving, you two really need to have an open conversation about it... He needs to tone down a bit...

Zelda, I think ending the relationship with this guy is the right thing to do. I know how you feel because I work with a girl exactly like your bf - that's at least 8 hours, 5 days a week!


She ALWAYS has something to say, whether it is about herself or other people, she may be telling a joke, or whinging about one thing or another. Because I am the opposite of her, we got on very well at the beginning but as I got to know her better, I find that she does not only have low self esteem (hence the need for attention and acknowledgement), she is also greedy and selfish. No previous incidents are excuses for the way she is now as she's an adult and must be responsible for her own actions (just like your soon-to-be ex-bf). She would tell us a joke, we would laugh about it, then she'd tell us the same joke all over again. Then it's not funny anymore... so we'll giggle just to be polite... then get back to our work in order to avoid her. I do feel sympathy for her sometimes, as she doesn't choose to be the person she is, and more importantly, she doesn't realise how people feel about her. Poor girl believes everyone loves listening to her drone on and on... about nothing significant really.


Sorry to be off track, but I just felt like having a whinge with others who may be in the same boat. Oh no I'm turning into "one of those people"! One good thing about having an attention-seeking colleague is that you become much more aware of your own behaviour.

Zelda,


I am familiar with your situation-- my significant other was constantly sapping my energy in a similar way. He wasn't as chatty and outgoing as your guy but his unrelenting need for me to reassure him and respond to his constant barrage of silly questions made me feel like I was babysitting a 2 year old. There were many, many, many times when I wanted to wring his neck. Like you, I prefer feline men.


If you are serious about this guy and really like him, I think that his behavior can be modified with time. (I am still with that same guy after several years and we have settled in a good equilibrium-- i.e. he learned to shut up and leave me alone once in a while). You have to make it clear to him how wearying his behavior is. My guess is that he thinks that his wearying behavior is endearing. Either that, or he mistakenly thinks that he needs to be the charming entertainer 100% of the time. Once he realizes that some people actually prefer the "strong silent type" hopefully he will give his motor mouth a rest at least once in awhile. I suspect that you have not been together a long time. On your side, you will have to adjust as well to the times when his gregarious nature gets the best of him.


In my case, I was able to adjust to a bit to my boyfriend's need for reassurance which (fortunately) decreased over the years so that now it is only about 10% as bad as it used to be-- which is no longer draining (partially because I got used to it).


I developed considerable empathy for my male friends with needy or nagging girlfriends/wives. I resolved never to torment others with such tiresome behaviors as asking "Do you love me?" for the upteenth time. It just makes people tune out.


Many of the posters here seem to think that you guys are deeply incompatible. This may well be and you give it some hard thought. If you decide to give it a serious go then just gag him and tie him up the if he keeps "misbehaving". (If he still keeps yapping, then stuff his mouth full of styrofoam packing peanuts!) ha ha ha. It is called conditioned response.


good luck,

The Pavlovian Institute for Rehabilitating Loutish Boyfriends

Hats off to you marigold. You're a very patient girl and I'm glad to hear your boyfriend's need for reassurance decreased over the years.


I work with someone like this and I agree with what Kaat said about her colleague too. Such people are self-centred. They take and take and take from you, but are never concerned about how others feel having to babysit them, listen to them and validate them 24/7. My colleague keeps up a constant chatter at work, asks silly questions to make sure people are listening in, and will even announce that she is going to the toilet (like we all need to know). She whinges non-stop about how everyone is not treating her right (she's complained about every single person in the company, her parents, husband, in-laws... you get the idea), just so people will always coo "poor baby". If you have problems, she tunes out. It's a total one-way street in which she is the star and everyone the supporting actors.


The neediness, self-absorption, lack of empathy for others, over-inflated self-opinion of just how interesting the person is... I can totally relate to how zelda feels.


I still say... run for your life and don't look back.

It comes down to love!


If you truly love someone then there is nothing that will bother you... And those things that do are perhaps less important than they first seem...


I think its important to ask yourself two questions.


1. Is this my love? for me love is unconditional, but my experience of love may not be yours. so ask yourself If you truly love your partner, or whether perhaps you are just filling a need the best way you can?


2. Whats your contribution to the problem. I find that whenever i get truly annoyed with someone its mostly becasue of my insecurities or prejudices or feelings to do with some part of the situation. your partners behaviour sounds taxing, but what part of you makes it unbearable?


I think if you can honestly answer these questions to yourself you may find a better understanding of your relationship and yourself.


Goodluck Zelda.


I hope it is meant to be!


p.s. I love you Kitfaerie!

I think you did the right thing for his sake, too. Imagine how it would have made him feel if he married you and then eventually found out you couldn't really stand him. It was not a relationship made in heaven.