Have you asked your boyfriend if he would like to stop using protection?
I also come from a happy English family but recently my parents are getting a divorce. I still believe in marriage though, and I want to give my children the stability of two parents who are married.
It is the modern world though, my view is rather traditionalist.
Talk to him about it? Tell him you love him and want to create a life with him. Maybe in the future you will want to get married, who knows?
Please support our advertisers:
Personally I am the old fashioned type who thinks that you should be married before you have a child. One of the reasons is for security and practicality. For example I have a friend whose partner recently died, they were not married but lived together in HK for 15 years. He had no will and his family are fighting hard to make sure they recieve his estate, not her. If she had a kid it may still be difficult to lay claim on any of his estate. I was recently told by a lawyer that he knew of families who were destroyed by the Father passing away and having no will. Even though they were married it can take up to a year to sort things out. He has seen kids put into care because of financial problems. If you have a will, it can take days. I have another friend who is not married and has 2 kids. The man left her and she has to go thru a very troublesome process to get any cash out of him to contribute to keep the family.
My point is that if you are not married and it doesn't work out and you have a kid or your partner dies, things are not always that clear cut. Oh, and make sure you have a will, married or not!
Personally, and I repeat I am old fashioned, I could never understand people who would have a kid together but not want to make the commitment to each other legal.
Please support our advertisers:
MayC
18 yrs ago
Marriage doesn't have to cost A LOT of money. You could just be married at the registry office if you don't fancy walking down the aisle or having a banquet.
Your parents' divorce would have the biggest impact on you growing up (that's why they say that divorces are not just about the adults but the kids as well)..... but one divorce shouldn't spoil it for you.
If you look at it, you want to have children with him and you want to live with him. That's no different to being married. But one bonus about marriage is that it is a declaration of commitment.
Please support our advertisers:
That's not a problem. I know a happy couple who are great to each other. They have the cutest baby who's 2 years old now. They are having fun and enjoying the life now...
Please support our advertisers:
I totally agree with sikunga. Parenthood is a bigger commitment than getting married. Being a recent mum of a baby, I know what a challenge it is to raise a baby, and the commitment demanded of BOTH husband and wife is tremendous, because early stages of parenthood are not rosy and sweet. There are many sleepless nights, sex life takes a sharp southern dive, all thse result in many many arguments. You only have to look in the 'moms and dads' forum to see the multitude of problems parents face in raising kids. Call it physchological but people who are married tend to try a little harder at staying together. Yes, you have bad experience with your parents but surely you are now adult enough to realise you are different from them and confident enough to realise you can make darn sure your marriage would be tons better cos you are not gonna make the same mistakes as them in their own marriage.
Please support our advertisers:
I think unmarried couples have as much of a cheating issue as married couples.
Please support our advertisers:
clan
18 yrs ago
How is having a baby out of wedlock not giving a child a mother and father, boredtotears?? A child of divorced parents still has a mother and father. I also know many people who have adopted a child as a single parent and are doing a fabulous job. Marriage is not a guarantee of a child's happiness. Can you please explain how wedlock makes the difference?
Please support our advertisers:
Make no mistake. Marriage is not just a bit of paper! It's a very serious legal document. Just try getting out of one.
As for me, my first son was illigitimate and the second was born after we married. I don't think either of them has given it a thought. They see us as embarassing 'hippy' parents. When we divorced, there was no differentiation between the status of each child, when I as a man took over care and control of both children once agreed by both parties. I think that would have been much harder if we hadn't been married. Interestingly, as they didn't have a mum around for many years, they are both very serious and loyal in relationships. I guess they don't want to repeat the experience!
Please support our advertisers:
Insane, if you think getting married wrecks a relationship, try thinking about what effect a child would have.
Personally I feel that if you don't want to get married, then don't. This is the modern world, many people live in domestic partnerships and are perfectly happy.
However, children require constant attention and put a lot of strain on a relationship married or not. They need feeding every 4 hours at the start, and they need changing, and love. They need a lot, and when you're giving the child this, you're not giving the same attention to your partner.
Your partner is more likely to cheat on you (statisticly) when you're pregnant and uninterested in sex.
I personally want to get married and have a big wedding, and a princess dress and have all my friends and family witness how much I love my boyfriend and how dedicated we are in staying togehter for the rest of our lives. And it's an excuse for a big old party that everyone we know will come to.
But I know that maybe a year after I get married, and we start making babies then my life will no longer be my own. I won't be able to drink for nine months (which will almost kill me) and I won't be able to go to smokey environments, and once the kid is born I won't be able to leave it unattended for any reason (I don't believe in Nannies, my mother raised 5 children with the help of 2 husbands, I can do it too) and my life will be over. I will no longer be myself, I will be forever more my child's mother.
Just remember that, insane. If you think getting married will cause him to cheat, wait till you have a baby!
Please support our advertisers:
Paperwork has nothing to do with it! In some cultures, people just go out and jump over a stick to symbolize that they are committed to each other. I think that what happened to your parents had nothing to do with what was in the papers; they would have broken up even if they had just lived together. As it was, the paper gave some protection to one of the spouses, as others have pointed out. Not just in case of divorce or death, but also for many, many other purposes (e.g. insurance, bankruptcy, legitimacy and custody of children, retirement benefits, to name a few). The only risk stemming from your parents' divorce is that you might have learned bad habits from them in terms of how to have a healthy relationship, but if you've already lived together four years and still happy, it sounds like you've gotten beyond your parents failure and are actually well capable of the kind of commitment it takes to have a happy marriage and family life. Why deprive yourselves of the deep joy and trust that comes with a fully committed life? Yes, there are failures in marriages, unfaithfulness, and there are a lot of people posting on this forum who have no clue about what a committed life entails, but a strongly committed relationship is possible and can be very joyful -- as well as happy, loving, long term, fun, faithful, DISEASE FREE (ha ha), -- and those things lead to great freedom, trust, faith, and even greater love and joy. Good luck!
Please support our advertisers:
my husband used to be terrified of marriage - he saw his friends who got married for all the wrong reasons. but at the same time, he said he wanted to be with me and would want to have a child together, with out without marrying.
but i disagreed - my preference is to get married before having a kid!
but things happen, people feel differently with time. he proposed, we got engaged and 10 weeks before our wedding (when he was away for his stag weekend), i called him to say that i was pregnant! we were obviously delighted, the only downside was that i couldn't drink my own wedding....:) we are a very happily married couple with a beautiful child and wouldn't want it any other way.
anyway, it doesn't work that way for everyone, some people will be very traditional, some not, some sit on the fence...i don't want to preach about whether you should get married first or not but i think the key is whatever decision you make, it needs to be something BOTH parties agree and are comfortable with and STICK WITH IT.
good luck!
Please support our advertisers:
I know. MY point is i don't have issue about my boyfriend cheating on me. I understand not every guys would cheat on their wives.
Im still with 'him' coz i know he loves me.
I was just pointing out that JC is wrong that's all.I am happy and i will be doesn't matter getting married or not.
------------------------------------------------
I hope you don't mind me posting your reply here, I'm worried about taking over hotwheel's thread when you have a perfectly good thread of your own.
I believe you have the right to get married or not as you see fit. And having a child when you're not married is totally your perogative.
However, your boyfriend doesn't have the same wants as you, so either someone has to give in and change, or you have to find a boyfriend with the same beliefs as you.
Please support our advertisers:
I don't, but I do understand your point.
If I could offer an experience of my own into the mix.
My cousins who were very happy together had two children and were unmarried. If this offends anyone, I'm sorry, but they were working class and had a very different life to me, but they seemed very happy. Their children aren't the best educated due to their social status and all that, but they're happy kids. I think the eldest is 20 now, or there abouts.
My cousin's girlfriend, the mother of his two children eventually got cancer. She was going to die. For legal reasons, and for the children, they got married just before she died, so that there wouldn't be any legal questions after she was gone.
They were a lovely family, and they were always a pleasure to hang out with and go on family outings. I was like a big sister to my cousin's children and it was all good.
I really don't think you have to be married for the sake of the children or anything like that. It does help out legally, though.
Please support our advertisers:
I have never think of my bb is so cute & lovely, that I only know when she came to this world, therefore if I was too worry or think too much and missing this chance then I think I will not forgive myself in whole life.
Please support our advertisers:
You must be logged in to be able to reply.
Login now
Copy Link
Facebook
Gmail
Mail