Sister in law

If your partner has forgiven her, then I think you should as well. Remember blood is thicker than water and you don't really know what her relationship with her busband is like.


I know you feel hurt the way she treated her brother but if he can move on, so should you.

I personally would do my best to put it behind me as a way of supporting my partner. First, the offense was against your partner, so if he is willing to forgive his sister then you should do your best to follow his lead. I think in the long term, the relationship is probably more important to him than the offense. But even if the relationship is destined to go down the tubes, it needs to be his decision as to when to give up on it. (If it happens over and over and you notice he's the family dishrag or scapegoat, then I'd think differently, but once is not enough to convince me of that pattern.) Second, though, I personally see the "evil" person as being the M. sister's husband. It's possible the Melbourne sister could have been put in a terrible, awkward position by her a.h. husband. You say she should have stuck up for her brother, but you don't really know all the facts -- perhaps she tried her best and the dude could have been over the top unreasonable, perhaps she also bawled over her husband's stance, maybe it even affected their marriage. (You mention that the sister is wanting to come to HK, you don't say that brother in law wants to come!) Anyway, even if you follow "three strikes you're out," there haven't quite been three strikes here. I'd give it a go. On the other hand, there's no need to completely ignore the past. Now that you know you can't rely on her, don't ever make the same mistake twice, and now he will have knowledge to keep a bit of emotional distance there in the future. As far as the sister's husband, I'd have to think long and hard about that one -- my inclination would be to think that HE would not be welcome again, and not only that but I hope he doesn't have the nerve to ask to come "freeload" for a nice visit in HK.

PS, on the other hand, regarding the Melbourne brother in law, the same advice could be given, for all involved to tolerate him for the sake of the brother and sister who love each other.

I have an American friend who once told me to "suck it up" for the greater good in a difficult social situation. Strange phrase but it worked and maybe that is what you need to do here with his Sister and more so her husband, he may have his reasons for such an attitude. I hope your partner has regained his employment/self esteem and is flourishing. It would be great if you let the husband quietly see how well your partner is doing and how wrong his atttitude was. He may feel guilty and even apologise for his lack of support earlier.

It doesn't look like you'll have many options in the yers to come. Therefore, if I were you, I would play the nice sister in-law, let them stay with us, be nice to them, and make them feel guilty and embarrassed.

It's not to complicate things, because the anger isn't making you any happier when you're being around them, even if you can't get over it, just pretend you are, play your part well so no one can ever complain in the future, given you could well be part of the family sooner or later.

Can you suggest that they stay at a hotel but still see them when they come to town? This might make it a bit easier on you to adjust to her being here.


I agree that the problem seems to be more his sister's husband than her...although she could have stood up to her husband.


Somewhere along the way, you will have to make peace if you want to have a decent relationship with her. It's hard, I know, to forgive such a slight, but you'll have to try.

Not exactly nice to hold a grudge or if you agree to let them stay in your place and expecting for an apology either.


I think tia's suggestion would be fine.

I don't think it's wrong to want some sort of an answer/explanation. You might not get it or it might not be what you want, but I think you have the right to ask.


If her hubby is that overbearing, then that is something to consider. She might be living her own version of a personal he!! having to live with someone like him.


It's hard when this happens. My husband is more forgiving than I am as well, even when the people who have hurt him are truly wretchedly awful and rotten. I don't forgive easily. You are well within your rights as his partner to say that they are not allowed in your home if they make you that upset. Perhaps if they offer an explanation, you'll be more willing.

I'll throw out an idea and see how people respond. My personal philosophy is that an apology is meaningless if the person doesn't acknowledge that they have caused wrong or hurt. (So, I think the apology, "I'm sorry IF x hurt you" is meaningless; in my book it has to be "I'm sorry THAT x hurt you.") The flip side to this is that some people cause hurt without ever realizing that they did it or how deep it was, so they don't understand the reaction of the person who was hurt. In order to really resolve the situation from the inside out, to make a meaningful apology, the offending person needs to understand what they have done, emotionally. So, what would you think of writing her a letter explaining in detail the way in which she hurt you. For instance, include in the letter: 1. BF really needed you. 2. You rejected him. 3. It really hurt him (and don't hold back here on describing how it hurt, his crying, the adding to his depression to have a full understanding that his family did not stand by him, and what it means for your future that you feel you can't rely on his family). 4. In addition to hurting him, this really hurt me, and it was insulting to both of us to have the insinuation that we were freeloaders (or whatever). 5. The offensiveness that you relied on this offer to stay with them, and then to have it communicated through a different sister, with the insinuation that it had been the subject of family gossip. Then, I would end the letter. Put the ball squarely in her court how to respond. You may get the tearful, full acknowledgment of regret and pain on her part that would let you know she really apologizes, or you may get the unsatisfying response, "I'm sorry if you have a problem." But after you see her response, then you can decide whether she would be welcome in HK and to what degree. The other thing is that this letter is an expression of your feelings and not your BF, which I think is legitimate. You are two separate people and she's going to have to learn to deal with you and consider you, as well as him. So, what do others think about this idea?

I think.... well what I was first going to put was, it's his sister let him deal with it and best not to get involved. But you quit your job because she invited you to go stay there, and you were almost both out of work because her husband is a dick.


I say you find a nice hotel for her, just to be civil.

His sister has a problem, she was too direct and didn't consider her own brother's feelings. Words can be toned down to avoid bad air, but she decided to rub salt in his wounds and drumed it down his throat. If you husband has forgiven, the best to let it go. If you still feel a bit bitter, then invite the sister and hubby round and spit in their dinner secretly. You will feel better afterwards, and smile sweetly.

Meems, you sound like a 12yr old having a tantrum!