does language really matter?

I am in a cross-culture relationship and it went on ok up till now. For sure we argue about this and that, but I guess it's just like all the relationships. But there is one thing that really bothers me. My bf has lots of friends from his own country and he always takes me to these parties. I like his friends mostly, but I really can not understand a sh*t of what they are talking. When they talk to me, they speak in English, so there is no problem. But when they talk with each other, they don't speak English anymore. So basically I can't join any of their conversation and I am left alone. I am a socialable person myself and like to make conversations, but with this language barrier thing, I feel really lonely and silly when we go out. I am learning their language now, but I know it takes time and I have no idea when or if I will be able to be myself in front of his friends.

You know what's worse than HIS friends speaking Chinese to each other? MY friends speak Chinese to each other! Now, I can have a conversation in broken Chinese, if everyone speaks slowly and sometimes repeats the sentence, but I totally 100% completely know what you're saying.


It's so frustrating when his friends, and his family do it too, just rattle off in their own language when everyone is fluent in English. I mean, why not speak English, you're basically fluent, it's just mean and inconsiderate.


You're not going to stop them from doing it. Just be patient. What I used to do was try to listen out for a word, and then ask them what it means. It'll get them to translate the conversation to you, and it'll help you to learn. Or start saying 'ho ar, ho ar' at the right moment in the conversation, and they realise they're being exclusive. Plus that makes them laugh. Or ask your boyfriend to translate. My boyfriend almost never translates for me and it's very frustrating, but give it time and you'll pick it up.


The problem with Cantonese is the tones. I think someone is saying something to me, when acutally it's the other thing and I just couldn't get the tone. You'll pick it up, don't worry. It's good that you're learning now, because even my best friends don't realise I can't understand and just talk naturally away in Cantonese. Well, it is only natural to speak your native language, it's what you feel most comfortable with. Sometimes people ask me something in Cantonese and I'll reply in English, just cos it's more natual for me, even if I know how to say the answer in Cantonese.


Give it time, and you'll pick it up. Try what I said about asking them what a word means, or saying 'ho ar ho ar' cos that'll make them laugh. It'll all come with time.

Hi guys, thanks a lot for your replies. I have already tried some of the things you mentioned above, like asking them to translate or trying to make conversations. But I have to admit that I seem to be the only one in their group that doesn't speak any of their language. So I can't ask all the other people in the party to speak in English only for me. I think my bf is doing his part already, talking to me from time to time during the party, so really I just want to catch up their language faster. Right now I know some basic things like greeting and thank you, but it is far from making conversation. People say you have a bf that speaks it, you should learn it very quickly. But we always talk in English when we are together, because this is most efficient and accurate. So he doesn't really help me in the language. I have also taken lessons and my teacher said I should try to talk to my bf more. Do you think I should try more in the new language with my bf?

I beg to disagree sandwich, I used to be the only French in a group of 20 something German, they absolutely never spoke in german when I was with them.

it is a simple question of lack of politeness and respect from them, AND from your bf who should be the one instating compulsory English conversation.

I would just sit in a corner by myself and just sit there. Invariably your BF will ask you to join the group and your response will be that you can't understand what they are saying so why bother.


If you BF doesn't come up to you.... well you know something about your BF.

Hi, sorry that I make the language a secret. Like Electrode said, I don't want people to have prejudice of a certain language and hope to keep this poster a general one. Do you think a specific language like Chinese or French would matter in my case?

sandwich, i guess you are chinese and he is french?

before the french bashing is going on, let me answer from an insider pioint of view.

Yes the fact he is french does matter, my countrymen/women are quite incorrigeable on this.

I try myself to avoid them overseas, except for a selected few.

However I have been in so many occasion in the situation I had to be the moderator of a group and reminding them that there were non French speaking with us, and that is was simple basic politeness skill to switch to a common language.

Electrode, i totally disagree with you, after many years in Asia, I do feel easier to communicate in English actually.

I'd have to go mostly with Electrode on this one. Sandwich, I've been in this very same situation many, many times, sometimes among foreigners with whom I can speak in their language (although not fluently) and other times with people who speak a language I don't understand very well (my girlfriend, for example). In either case, I am not at all offended when others around me speak to one another in their native language. To me, this is only natural - it's easiest for them to converse in their native language. Granted I am usually outnumbered (being the only native English speaker in the group), but this is all the more reason for them to speak in their language. Why should they make an exception just for me? That said, my girlfriend and her friends (those who speak English, anyway) usually fill me in on their conversation in English if it's something that I would find funny, interesting, etc. But if they don't explain something to me, I'll either ask or just let it go. It's not as though they are speaking in their language to keep something from me, it's just easiest for them. While it's true that English has become an "international" language, I don't believe that this means that everyone should be required to use it in my presence. I DO think that your boyfriend should make an effort to either include you in the conversation somehow or at least fill you in on the conversation in your language (or whatever language you share), however. To leave you out completely is a bit rude. Lastly, I'm now learning my girlfriend's language and so I try to speak to her in her language as often as I can (as frustrating as that can be sometimes). Perhaps speaking to your boyfriend in his language more often will help you to pick it up that much faster.

Well, you know, like I said, I'm in exactly the same position as sandwich, only it's MY friends who speak Chinese when we're all togther. I don't know why they do that, cos then they just end up saying the same thing again just this time in English.


I think it's clear from sandwich's posts that she's not a native English speaker, so it's difficult to know what language her bf speaks naturally.


Personally, I don't think we can blame the group or the boyfriend. My friends just speak the language that comes naturally to them. I don't blame them, I do the same too. My boyfriend just sometimes forgets that I don't understand, so I don't blame him either.


I think all sandwich needs is patience and a good language teacher. The best thing is just to keep trying with the language thing. I think if your boyfriend is Chinese, we're in China.. you can't ask them to speak English. If he's not Chinese, just keep trying. You'll get there in the end. I'm only 20% in there, but it gets easier, trust me.


My boyfriend doesn't teach me Cantonese either, because it's just so easy to talk to each other in English!


Oh my god, I AM sandwich! Or she's me a yr and a half ago!

It is interesting how you can just tune out completely at a certain point because you get so lost. It's hard to study when you are not comprehending a thing.

To Peet, like you said, you find talking to your gf in her mother tongoue can be very frustrating sometimes. So how do you deal with it? Do you stick to that or you just switch to English? To hkfrenchie, I wish you could be in our group then! Hehe. Seriously I do find french are "big head" when it comes to language. It is true that their language is accurate and elegent, but at the same time, it is bloody complicated and difficult! So what can I do? I think it really depends on person. Some of the guys in our group will just switch to English when I join them, which I appreciate a lot. But some others, like you might know, are not that nice. I do have a good language teacher right now, but it doesn't come so fast. And I have to agree with you that when in a group of multi-nation, I feel most comfortable to speak the lauguage that most people understand.

Hi Sandwich,


In answer to your question, I speak as often as I can in my gf's language but, yes, it is difficult sometimes and it can be frustrating. However it's best for me to try to speak her language as often as I can if I wish to learn her language....no pain, no gain as they say. It is too easy to fall back on Engish, but I try to resist the urge.


There are times when it's just impossible for us to speak in her language since the topic of the conversation is one that requires being well understood - relationship issues, for example (my fluency in her language is not nearly enough). But I do hope that one day we'll be able to have these types of conversations in her language as well. Perhaps this is just wishful thinking, but this is my hope. However, this is a separate issue from yours....


I guess that I feel that it is a bit unfair to my gf and her friends that we must often use my language when talking as they sometimes struggle for the right words, just as anyone would when speaking a foreign language. It would be better if we could use both languages freely.


Some of her friends speak English very poorly and so it just plain impossible for them to speak to me in English. Others make an effort, but it's still difficult to get our point across. But I think that her friends appreciate it when I at least make an effort to speak their language. I also feel that this is a golden opportunity for me to learn another language (never hurts) and to be among others who can help me along the way.


In the end, it all involves some give and take in a cross cultural relationship, but that doesn't mean that one person should do all the giving while the other does all the taking. To me, the way a person acts around others is a good indication of their values, character, etc. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship in which I am always expected to adapt to my gf's language, culture, etc. nor would I expect the reverse. There's got to be a balance of both in order to avoid resentment. But, I'll admit, it's easier said than done.


By the way, have you ever thought about bringing a friend of yours along to the parties so that you have someone to hangout with while your bf is speaking to his friends?

I second what Peet said. Lots of good comments well made! I notice that Peet is in Tokyo, so I'm guessing his gf is Japanese. While I don't think Japanese is that difficult compared with Chinese, but you have to say the right phrase to the right person. I think Peet is really brave to try to learn his gf's language (if she's Japanese) well done mate!


I think most people are saying the same thing. Just practise his language, at least you're making the effort and his friends will appreciate that. Does he speak your language?

To Peet, yes, you said a lot of healthy things that I am even thinking of coping to my bf! :) There is a fact that it is difficult to bring my bf to my friend's circle for the language and culture difference. I haven't tried to bring my friend to his friend's party yet, but what I am doing now is to find someone in his group that is interested to talk to me. Actually I made some friends there as well, but compared with the group, it is far too few. And if these guys are not there, I am basically stucked. BTW, do you go to language school to learn the language? Is there any tip you could share with me?


To Pupalicious, yes, my bf speaks a little of my language. My first step is to catch up with his knowledge of my language, and go beyond that! :)

Sometimes it is hard work and you just don't feel like the effort of trying to explain every single conversation to someone.

To Aijin, thanks a lot for making this point for me. Hehe, I don't think I am a boring person, at least I have been told many times that I am interesting. And I talked to some of them in English before, we had good conversation. But once there are more than one of them present, they automatically change back. The fact that I am not boring, but I am actually quite sensitive. And I don't want to beg them to change back to English. So the result is I am left alone. :( Maybe I should try asking them to translate or just speak in English.

My gf isn't Japanese, although we are both currently in Japan. However, I speak Japanese much better than my gf does and so when we are around other Japanese friends, I find myself on the reverse end. That is, I have to remember that my gf is with me, that she may not understand what we are saying, and that she will quickly get bored if she feels left out. So, I try to involve her in the conversation as much as I can (I tranlate when necessry) and that way she feels that she's involved. In a sense it's the opposite situation to the one I face when I'm with her friends. In that way, we both understand what it feels like to be completely lost when we don't understand what's being said. It's never any fun feeling like you're a third wheel.


I think that the others have made some really good points that are relevant to cross cultural relationships. As Aijin said, it's good to take an interest in your bf's culture, customs, sports, etc. just as it's good for your bf to take an interest in yours. There is a lot there for you both to talk about (as well as with his friends).


Personally, I feel that part of a cross cultural relationship involves making concessions for our language barriers and cultural differences. Is this always easy or convenient? Of course not. Sometimes it can be a real pain. But if my gf and I want our relationship to work, then we'll both have to make the extra effort - including when we are with our friends.


But this brings up another point that Aijin alluded to. If your bf is unwilling to make these concessions, if he is unwilling to include you when he's with his friends, then you might want to consider why. If it's because he feels that you aren't worth the effort (I'm just throwing this option out there as one of many options), then this may be an indication of bigger problems to come in your relationship.


As far as advice on learning your bf's language, just try to speak in his language with him and his friends as often as you can. Have a sense of humor about it and don't be afraid to try (God knows that I've made a fool of myself many, many times). Myself, I'm taking lessons with a language tutor. My relationship has enough challenges without burdening my gf with language instruction. :)


BTW, I lived in China for a couple of years and took Chinese language lessons while there. Basically, I went to the nearby foreign language university, sat in on a Chinese language class, and then approached the instructor after class and asked if she might be interested in making a personal arrangement with me for language instruction. It worked out really well for us both and I got personal instruction for a lot less than the university charged. Perhaps you can do the same with a French instructor.