Posted by
ellascott
17 yrs ago
Hi everyone
I have been living in Hong Kong for over a year now and my realationship with my husband has slowly been dying.
He constantly goes out to Wan Chai and I have now been discovering messages to and from other women. These messages sometimes say "you are sexy" etc. When confronted with this he is angry and tells me they are only friends. I told him he has to stop this and he always says he will but again I find messages.
Now I would not have so much of a problem if he did not keep it from me and if the content was friendly but I question if he is merely flirting.
How do I get him to be up front with me? I just want to get on with my life or get on with our life. Do you think it is fair to request someone does not go to certain bars and does not message certain people? Would you stop this if it hurt your wife?
Thanks I would appreciate any comments
Ella
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I have already been and seen these places and have not been introduced to any of the girls he has messaged in the past. The place he goes (yes on his own sometimes) is a pick up joint for old white guys. Am I just a stupid wife who needs to wake up?
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Your husband is most probably going to Wan Chai to pick other women up. 'Old white guys' seem to think they are gods gift when they come here - they only need to look at themselves in the mirror to see their looks have not changed since they arrived here and normal women who are not after money would not look twice at them.
Tell him to stop making a fool of you and kick his sorry butt into the gutter (and take his money before someone else does).
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Definitely sounds like he's caught Yellow Fever! Amazing how perfectly normal foreign guys suddenly change overnite in HK.They start backcombing their hair,change their dress style,believe they are actually teenagers again,hang around bars...sigh...well Ella you have to get to the root of your problem and what's wrong with the marriage.
Confronting your husband hasn't worked and he is not prepared to put his cards down on the table and be upfront with you.He probably loves the attention he feels he's not getting at home.
You need to communicate how you feel to him.Why on earth does he hang around pick up joints?Why don't you plan some activities for both of you to do together that you both enjoy.
Other than that if all else fails set him up to see if he's really playing or just flirting.
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Sorry to be blunt, but I think you already know that your husband is lying ... 'friends' indeed?! What wife would believe that ... or even put up with it?! He's taking you for a fool ... don't become one!
Even if, as he says, they are 'just friends', I'd still be pretty p****d o** if my husband was getting text messages from other women that I don't know, and who he refused to introduce me to presuming they were genuine friends.
The fact that he's obviously up to no good (proven by the text messages), you have every right to ask him not to go to these bars ... there's nothing fair or unfair about it. The difficulty is of course, that you won't know whether or not he's telling you the truth.
If you've had a good trusting relationship ship up until now, then hopefully by the two of you communication, you'll be able to get things back on track. Don't become a stay at home wife while hubby is out in Wanchai ... join him at his own game ... have the odd girlie night out with friends and meet up with him ... or arrange to meet him in Wanchai when he finishes work for a few drinks/dinner. Don't let it seem that you're checking up on him ... show him that you want to have some fun too. Why should you sit at home bored, waiting for him to come home, whilst he's out having a good time with the lads? ... That's when things can get out of hand. Nip it in the bud before it goes too far. Good luck!
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He has wised up -- that's why he's in Wan Chai. Sorry to not join the whole "oh you poor thing" hugfest, but maybe he's in Wan Chai because it's fun. If it wasn't fun the bars would be empty.
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If hanging out with hookers and ugly white men is fun, then I think you need to get out more.
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This is why most women are single....Unreal!!!! Never any trust for any guy you may meet. You think its easy for non yellow fever males to meet women????????? Not at all....Give me a non paranoid, trusting, faithful women and I'll give you a real loving, dedicated man....Yeah, right, Unlickely.................
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Thanks for all your posts. I think deep down I know something is going on. But when you have loved someone for so long you want to hold on to them for as long as you can. I don't think there is anything wrong with me either. I am young, fit, and still very passionate after seven years with the man. Maybe he wants it all and then some :( I have done my best to talk to him about how I feel and have also suggested counseling but he does not want a bar of it. Anyway I know I am not the first or last to have this happen so I must now think of myself.
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I also think you have been torturing yourself with this for too long and nothing so far has worked and this husband of yours seems totally insensitive as to how you are feeling.
Why not give him a little taste of his own medicine plot a little payback?A PI sounds a little extreme you just need to get those numbers and get some male friends to call them see who these 'friends' are.
So spyin isn't good some will say but so what?At least you will either catch him red handed or see if he's really telling the truth.
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Listen to these harpies -- he is probably messing around so don't do anything to alarm him, but start picking his pocket.
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Hi,
I would say the fact that it's true or not is not even the matter. He's not treating you right going there, with the messages, letting you think you are the crazy one... And on top of that, he is most probably cheating on you.
What I'm saying is, if it was in fact false, he should at least sense the urgency/importance of the situation for you and try to fix it. He's not doing that.
Easy for me to write this on an HTML page. Don't stay with him.
I agree with a previous poster, he's probably not used to having so much attention when going out and it drives him crazy. He needs to learn that, and he probably will, but I doubt your relation can go back to where it was. He's a changed man. I think living abroad changes a person.
Keep in mind that I don't know you and him I'm very much speculating, but that is my thoughts.
bye
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All the advice given here is valuable, wish I had listened. Had exactly same issue, lived all over the world, never a problem until we got here 10 years ago. just look after yourself, have him move out, start to get your life in order. He will get his wake up call one day, but please get your financial details arranged first. then : 1. get an AIDs test done. 2. Seek legal advice. 3. get documentation, I have private investigator if you need one, ( reliable and not mega expensive)
It hurts like hell, but trust me, have him leave now, is the best thing you can do for yourself, start looking after number one, which is you, you don't deserve this. Good luck.
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Hi Ella
I am going through something very similar at present. one year HK 9 year marraige and the seduction of Hong Kong has transformed him. If you wanna chat let me know! From Pathways
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Reading all your stories scares the hell out of me.. I met a man who gave me a number of a lady who runs a charity in Hong Kong called 'Soul Talk' He said she was great! Has anyone heard of it before?? Thinking of going and having a chat with her about everything. Might help me to clear my head.
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Thank you I have her card :) I wrote an email to her today so I will just have to wait and see. Pathways I would love to chat how do I pm you??
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Hi Ella,
Just came across your post, and I just wanted to say, been there done that. And do follow the advise given here. It's all very good. I went through a similar scenario last year, where my (now ex) husband was blinded by the HK life style and all it offered. He thought that life couldn't get any better than that, and maybe the grass was greener on the otherside. Luckily I found out sooner than later, and I decided that it was better to be single than to live with someone who did not appreciate you. It's been 9 months now, and I have to say the first three months were the hardest. A lot of soul searching, lots of tears, and a lot of internal debating. But I have a child that keeps me sane and stops me from regretting ever meeting my ex, a satisfying career that allows me to be financially secure and family that has been a great support. I am a happier person now - I was very unhappy in my marriage because of the disrespect, and because of him trying to make it my fault that he had to look elsewhere for a good time.
My advise is take care of yourself, and make sure you have your finances in order. There is no mention of kids, so that would make things a lot easier. I'm not sure a marriage can really survive such incidences. I still wonder at the many wives who seem to forgive such indescretions and carry on living with someone that, even for a moment, decided that life would be better with someone else and acted on it. But every situation is different and you should decide what's right for you. Just don't ignore the obvious or try to convince yourself that what is right in front of your face is not true. I tried to fool myself, ignoring my friends warnings, and thinking that my husband would never ruin our family like that. That he knew better. But I was wrong and had to learn my lesson the hard way. I'm only glad that I found out within months rather than years. That I acted on it immediately than waiting. Now I have my life back. You should try to figure out what's best for you and do it. Obviously your husband is looking out for himself. Do the same and take care of yourself. Get the help and talk to whomever you need to get through this. Therapy helps. Even if it's just to clear your thoughts up.
Good Luck.
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