Posted by
Mudgie
17 yrs ago
Just ended a tough 5-year up-down relationship with a man I financially supported thoroughout. I just could not deal with it anymore and the stress. Yes, it was my mistake for being embroiled in his dramas in the first place - he had just separated from his wife, kids taken away, etc when we first met. Anyway, stupidly, I thought I was helping him - financially, emotionally, etc. But 5 years on, it was driving me crazy - his struggles with his ex were ongoing, no job, financial mess, broken promises, etc. So even though I still care(d) for him, I ended the relationship. He was/is furious calling me names, saying I am cruel, etc. Argh. Why the hell I miss the good things like the talking and sharing is beyond me. I'm driving myself crazy! Help...
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Thanks Flashback. You are absolutely right. The problem is it gets worse.
I can't run coz he's living in my place and refuses to budge. Says he has not a cent hence would be in the street. He threatened to take me to court if I force him out, claiming common law marriage status and hence palimony. Surely that cannot be right. Does anybody have a legal background? Any insights/advice? Just an absolute nightmare...
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just put in your mind that you deserve better than him... flashback is right cut off all the connections and have a new life... find a legal advice to kick him out!!!
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This man is off his rocker; threatening his meal ticket like that! Time to stop the enabling. Time to stop him making you feel guilty because you have said enough is enough. You have a parasite sucking the life out of you. Time to let the leech go.
No, there is no such thing as common law marriage in Hong Kong. Only registered marriages under the Marriage Ordinance are valid - unless you became his concubine before 1971!
Is your name on the lease? If so, then he has no tenancy rights.
Do you feel you are in a position to the following? Pack up his belongings, stick them in the building lobby, tell the security guy not to let him in and, of course, change the locks?
It's time for him to leave and find someone else to sponge off.
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Mudgie - i know heaps of lawyers, send me a message if you need me to try and put you in touch with one of them for some free advise , ok ? failing that, we could all just pile round your flat and boot this silly man out !
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This situation will only escalate.The guy feels cornered and the best form of defence is attack.I bet in a few days he will do a complete turn around and be all lovey dovey and apologetic.
If he is threatening you go to the police and make a statement,do it anyway.Definitely see a lawyer asap and find out about getting a restriction order against him.
You don't mention nationality but also go to the embassy and make a statement so they are aware of the situation even though embassies won't get involved in domestic matters it's good to have it on record.
If your name is solely on the lease the police can kick him out tell them he is threatening you etc.If all else fails I'll join the "Let's throw the rat out" brigade.
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Thank you all so much. You will not know how much your support and words help. Have felt so weighed down – see the trouble is I’m not one of those cold hard women – wish I were – hence my problem in the first place! Exploited and yes Claire you’re right I now realise I have played the enabling role, and the profound error of my ways. Justin/Jack/Momo thank you all … will PM you. After years of his mental brainwashing, it is so nice to know there are good people out there willing to help a fool like me.
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cujo
17 yrs ago
How often do you see such unanimty of opinion in this forum? Not often, but then again, it's not often that you see a situation with just one obvious solution. In particular pay attention to what momo8 wrote - once this guy sees that his current approach isn't working, he's going to go all soft and weepy and tell you how much he loves you and needs you and how he'll get a job and change and blah blah blah. Do not believe that crap for even a second! Maybe you're not a cold hard woman, but it's time to do your best imitation of one. My mother put up with a jerk like that for more than 30 years. Even after she finally divorced him, he wormed his way back into her house. Don't let that happen to you! Let me know if you need another volunteer for the posse.
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Mudgie I PMd you and in the meantime be very,very careful of this guy.You're serious about kicking him out and he knows it so he's cornered.If he thinks he can play you to buy time he will cajole you,be super Mr nice guy,anything to make you change your mind...
OR
He could turn nasty and aggressive and unpredictable.
This weekend I would play it cool don't say anything to incite him or give him a clue to what you plan to do,just need to know basis.Maybe go out on your own leave him to his own devices to avoid conversations/confrontations.Follow through with the police statements although police will not get involved in a domestic between two foreigners (assuming you are both) unless there is violence involved.
DO contact a lawyer and your embassy.
If the lease is solely in your name,pack up his stuff,take it to a hotel desk and leave it there.Change the locks and go out of town for a few days if you can.
If his name is also on the lease maybe it's better if YOU move out and cut your losses.Whatever you do don't let him suspect you are up to something and try to act as normal as possible.
Good luck and have a good weekend!
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Yes, that's what finally dawned on me - I do deserve better. Virtual hugs to my growing posse. You all help me be strong! Will let you know what happens.
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selda
17 yrs ago
Mudgie,
you are strong and can get out of this situation more easily than you think.
First, of all, be a good judge of his character. Is he violent, aggressive, or just passive-ggressive?
Because dealing with an aggressive person requires a completely different approach, you don't want to put yourself in danger. He has no legal grounds to stay in your flat, but might resort to violence if you kick him out.
Try and defuse the tension, for instance, do you have any mutual friends that can help by giving him temporary shelter? Talk to those friends first, and ask for their advice, saying that you need some distance to reflect on your relationship with him. Once he is out, and reasonably comfortable, you change the lock, meet him only in public places and try to reason with him. Listen to him carefully, read his body language.Pay attention to any sign.
He has been using you, there is no doubt about it, but there might be a lot of other emotions involved. With very difficult people you need patience. Exstricate yourself gradually, you might have to support him financially while he gets back on his feet, but it's a small price to pay for your safety and peace of mind. I know what i am talking about. See a counsellor together if you can persuade him to do so. Get more people involved, in a non-confrontational manner. Don't make him feel cornered, because he can react in an unpredictable manner. Are you in touch with his family? If so, talk to them. He needs someone else's support once you put some distance between you two. Desperate people react in desperate ways. Not everyone, but if he has nothing to lose, he might try to bring you down with him. Just be careful, always assume the worst. Better safe than sorry. He has become part of your life over 5 years, you can't expect him to disappear overnight. That's the mistake i once made, and only then found out how deeply unstable my husband was. And i am lucky to be alive.
I don't want to scare you, he might be the meekest fellow, but as i said, whatever you do, be careful. Don't act in a rash manner because you can trigger a reaction that you never expected.
Be strong, firm but also understanding. Cutting him off completely might require a bit of time and patience. You know that this is what you want, now you have to be a strategist. Put yourself in his shoes and imagine his reactions.
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Thank you Selda. What you said makes a lot of sense. I thought I was a good judge of character. Something like this, though, makes you question everything. No, I have not been physically afraid of him before but when he yelled at me quite belligerently the other night, for the first time in 5 years, I heard my heart pounding in my ears, and felt intimidated. I did not respond or provoke him further, just put distance between us.
You're right in that he feels cornered. He said as much. I argee with you that having to contribute financially while he gets on his feet is probably in the grand scale of things a small price to pay for my safety and peace of mind.
Have spoken to him subsequently and it seems like he wants a month to get himself "stablised". Now I don't know if he will keep his word. I will have to deal with that when the time comes. But yes, I can't expect a problem that I helped create to just dissapear over night - however, I wish for it.
Selda, I congratulate you for getting through what must have been a very tough situation for you too. It is quite amazing how women like us (capable, etc) manage to get ourselves in such a mess, isn't it? I know for me there are so many lessons. And it is tough, but am with you on being firm yet understanding. To all of us who have been thru the wringer because of people we loved, I salute you. May we grow stronger & wiser...
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Mudgie how are things on the home front?Are you making any progress?
Stay strong about kicking him out and things will work out for you and be careful of giving this guy an inch he sounds like he'll take a mile!
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You may have to give him an incentive $ to leave and get on his feet. I know lots of women in HK whose partners have asked them to leave and it was only fair for the guy to give them some money to get home and be able to look for a job. This may make it a bit easier for you, even though he sounds like a huge loser.
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Have offered a $ incentive, which he has declined. He has asked for time, which I am extending to him out of decency. Have set a deadline, whether he abides by that is uncertain. After that all bets are off. Funny, how you can grow to so dislike someone you once so cared about.
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Why are you being held at ransom by this guy?
Relationship over so unload him.He is buying time and in the meantime who is paying the rent/power/water/phone/food?
What is he REALLY up to?The guy has got his marching orders so what's he doing now apart from still making your life miserable?
There's no decency in any of this Mudgie,take some action and stop extending his deadlines.You are not his mother.
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Yes, moral laxity on my part would enable me to be less miserable right now. However, I have a strange internal code that prevents me from throwing someone out on the street without a single lifeline or option. I am now giving him some time, but within my timeframes. What he does with it, is his choice. After that I will be pursuing all options.
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ACFHK
17 yrs ago
Mudgie,
Been there done that. Stop wasting your time and move on. if you really want to help him....help him help himself.
What everyone is saying here is he's playing you, you owe him nothing, take care of yourself, enough is enough.
If there is a possibility that he could turn nasty then just leave. I know it's not fair that you have to go but it's better than living with him and being held an emotional hostage, because that's what's happening. Good luck.
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Do see the validity of your comments guys. Will reassess the situation.
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If he's homeless for a few days, or weeks, guess what? At least it's not cold outside. It will give him a wakeup call, but it won't kill him. Seriously, he knows you don't want to put him out homeless and he will play it to the end. But when you do kick him out, he will find something else to do or someone else to latch onto. He can call his mom and ask for money.
Be prepared that when he gets to the end, and all his other manipulations no longer work on you, he may (MAY) turn violent. Has he ever been violent or threatening before? Be prepared "just in case," for the ending of a manipulative relationship is the most dangerous time for women. Consider what your safety arrangements might need to be during the time when you actually kick him out as well as for how you will avoid him as you go to work, if he stalks you. You may wish to change residences or stay with friends for awhile until he gives up and loses interest. Umm, I've never personally had to deal with any situation like this, but some people I've known have found it helpful to call the ex-wife to ask for her insight and find out how the end-game worked in her case.
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