Pls help to sort out my life

My husband was addicted (I guess) to porn movies before I got married and used to watch them frequently even after the marriage. Though I knew porn movies I watched the first one after got married. Any way I let him watch those as I believed most of everybody in that age watch that kind of movies. But after sometime I got a feeling that he is just using me to have sex while watching the porn stars so I asked him to stop watching them while making love. But when I told that to him, he got very angry and said I’m complaining to everything and in this matter he got ashamed and also said he is not going to watch any of it after that. But of course he didn’t stop but has started to watch them secretly and reduced the frequency of making love with me.

Anyway I ignored the fact that he was still watching them but kind of upset and asked him the reason for having sex once in a while. He said he is kind of busy.

Then we had a baby and the situation worsened. He used to stay in front of the computer until 4 am and I was busy with the baby. He said he is very busy but I knew what’s going on. Anyway I didn’t want to fight as I knew that I have to stay with the baby and my size was huge too.

Now baby is 1 year old and I tried hard and got my previous shape but he doesn’t change. I want to be loved but he doesn’t care. Actually it is not sex. Atleast once a week he comes to the bed to make love but it doesn’t have any feeling. I thought may be I should seduce him and should increase the frequency but it doesn’t work now. Tried to talk with him but he doesn’t listen. He says I’m just talking bullsh*t.

I thought may be we should watch a porn movie once in a while together to improve our relationship but seems like he doesn’t like to watch with me. When I ask him whether he is still watching them, he simply says it is not an abnormal thing. I’m really really depressed and don’t know what to do. Very unhappy now.

To tell about us, I’m in late 20s and my husband is in early 30s. He is a nice and very well educated guy and 200% sure he doesn’t have any more girl friends. Please help me to sort out my life.


Thanks!

Sounds like the guy is immature, as well as insensitive.


Watching porn is somewhat akin to having an 'virtual' relationship. Surprised he hasn't got bored with it (a 'bird' in the hand is worth tow on the screen).


I worked as a technician in a tape duplication company where duplicates of extreme sexual behaviors, including the use of animals, was duplicated.


After the first month of seeing this garbage, along with C or D class actors, it became totally boring. Most people who worked there felt likewise.


So what with your husbands 'education'?


And how does this watching the movie whilst having intercourse with you work? He might as well get a blow-up doll. What an insult to you!


As a man, I feel watching pornography as much as you say his does means he is living vicariously. The online free dictionary says: "vi·car·i·ous ...

2. Endured or done by one person substituting for another: vicarious punishment.

3.

a. Acting or serving in place of someone or something else; substituted. ...

4. Physiology Occurring in or performed by a part of the body not normally associated with a certain function.


If he thinks it is 'normal' why not invite friends over for dinner and have a discussion - bet they don't all think it is 'normal', either.


Is this a Freudian slip: "and 200% sure he doesn’t have any MORE girl friends" (other than the electronic ones)?

Hi,

I feel sad for you. It sounds like he feels ashamed of liking them so much. My first reaction would be to suggest you ask him what he watches them for and why he feels they are so stimulating, but you said he might say you are talking bulls**it, so it sounds like he's closedminded. I've heard of some people who can't get in the mood unless they have certain things in place. Maybe he needs counselling. I think he won't go but if you went, maybe it would help. Sorry I don't know what else to suggest, but I know I wouldn't like it if I thought my man needed more than just me in the room during sex. I don't really think it's so bad for a man to look at a few magazines now and then, but it souhds like porn is a major part of his life.

Too much is too much.


A bit here and there is not abnormal.

But ALWAYS watching while you are "at it" is a little bit too much.


When guys are in a healthy state, enough exercise, good diet, good relationship, the usage usually should drop back to moderate healthy interest really.


He may infact be internet addicted also, and putting the two together is hooking him in.


Sounds like you have tried showing interest but that embarasses him.


get him out of the house more, go out to dinner. Get him more involved with the baby and go out for the day. Go to a country park, the whole family more often, or out to yum cha with freinds


Some people use it as stress releif and if he is working hard or has a stressful job that could contribute.


Also, habits are hard to break, especially if one likes their vice.

Maybe you could get a "behind the scenes" video showing the stars prior to make-up, setting and the dumb conversations the stars have. Or the bloopers.


Exposing him to the seedy side enough may make him realise it is purely fantasy.


But unfortunately he might actually like it more!


Unfortunately you can't get a substitute nicorette gum or skin patches for this addiction, so it will be a lot of work to overcome it.


Shaming him is unlikely to beb effective and wouldf make him angry.


He will have to want to stop/reduce, or at least certainly go back to "real-life" events unassisted.


Lots of work but as said above, to give up an addiction one must firstly truley believe there is a problem and that it is unhealthy, like smoking, and that it is doing harm to those around them and then acknowledge that it is harming themselves.


Statistics show that a very large % of people view such materials, but guess to what extent is the question. To the extent it is harming their relationship would certainly indicate that there is a serious problem.


In yur case, it's not as though you are 100% opposed to any viewing at all as smoe people are and it appears you would accept a certian level, but as it appears to be a substitute for real life, rather than a supplement or an occaisonal bit of arousal he has gone too far and needs to be wound back a fair way.


Could an addict wind back to recreational user? SOme boozers/smokers/gamblers can and some can't - maybe it is an individual thing....you/he needs proper professionalhelp to work out how to rectify the situation, whether it's a stop-all (sobreiety) or he has just gotten out of control.