Is my husband trying driving me out?

It took me a long time to decide whether I should write my predicament here and my friends advised me not to as it is 'a crazy thing to do' they said. They are quite right as I think I'll soon become crazy and my known trait as being a strong woman is fast deteriorating. I met my husband at the peak of my singlehood, I had a good job, an apartment, a nice car and a nice part time job as a photo model. I didn't even think of settling down when I met him, as I was just out of an abusive relationship. I met my husband just be chance through a friend, having being persuaded to tag along with my friend to go to a hip club. When we arrived we were greeted by him who happens to be his buddy. To cut the story short, he didn't leave my side that night and pursued me for a year. I wasn't into a relationship at that time and I wasn't going to push this nite out further as I didn't expect anything out of this meeting and being Asian and he is a westerner, I would see the cultural difference. I gave in when I saw that he was so determined and his sincerity won me over. He introduced me to his family and they seemed to like me. We got married and it has been almost seven years now. I thought everything is going to be alright until I joined him overseas two months after we go married. I gave up my career, sold my apartment as it was still under mortgage and he told me he could not afford to help me to pay. 7 months after we got married, he was still reluctant to give me a supplimentary credit card, I didn't have an ATM card and he did not give any pocket money. All the bills were paid by me only when I showed him the bills and he will give me the exact amount to pay. Two years later we had a daughter through IVF and that wasn't easy either. When he discovered that I could not get pregnant, he accused me of lying to him saying that I already knew my condition. Itold him noone knows, furthermore I never got pregnant before and I am very healthy. He said I cost him a lot of money. His temper has gotten from bad to worse and words like moron, useless, hopeless, idiot and bitch are quite common. I cook everyday for him as he doesn't like to eat out, and he doesn't like the helpers cooking. He always blame me for everything. He blamed me if he puts on weight, sayng that I didn't look after him properly, while he is eating double portion all the time. I put an effort in cooking high protein, and low carb food for him but that definitely won't help if he like to eat cheese and crackers and drinking beer all the time. He doesn't care if he yelled at me in public, even if it is very petty. I prepare meals for him everyday, and there was one time when I was out with my daughter swimming and I didn't prepare his food on time. He knew I was with our chile because he called me earlier and he is allergic to bringing his own house key as he said that he is the master of the house and he expects the will be someone to open the door for him. He called me idiot stupid and a moron because I didn't prepare any food for him when he came back at 7.00pm. The helper actually offered to cook for him but he refused. He said I don't care about him and he is just a money churner for me. It took me half an hour to prepare a dinner for him but he never say sorry. I told him that it was quite unreasonable for him to yell at me but he said it is reasonable because he is the only one providing for the family, breaking his back and stressed out and I haven't contributed anything. He said he provide me a helper so I shouldn't be complaining. He always buys me nice things, ie clothes and he really doesn't like me to buy my own clothes because he said I have a bad taste. He never give me any pocket money because he said I don't deserve it because I'm not working, and if I want pocket money, I have to find my own. He always give me about enough for the bills, the groceries and to pay the helper. We never have any joint account because he said it is not necessary, if I want to buy something I ask him but it will always be his decision. He promised me before that he would contribute to my pension saving that I have when I was working, but it never happened as there is always a reason. The most recent reason was that he just bought a house and he need every penny to renovate the house so that we could live comfortably. He never consider putting my name in any of his assets. He has a few houses and apartments, but none of it is under a joint ownership. All of it are under his name and he said it is because for practical reasons. He recently terminated my supplimentary credit card as he said he has a huge credit card debt and the debt was actually from his spending. I hate shopping and I cannot see any reason for just buying on impulse, besides if I spent more that HKD 1,000 I have to pay him back. He doesn't like me to check his credit card statement and if there is any doubtful transaction I will only get a shelling if I ask him about the transaction and he said I am insecure. Recently I was very ill and my helper was on holiday. I was so ill that I lost my appetite, I couldn't eat and drink but I still have to get up as there was no one to look after my daughter and cook. I managed to hire a part time helper and she looked after my daughter. Not a single day my husband offered to help. I was out for a few weeks and there was no sexual relationship during that time. He always complained that about our sexual relationship and sometime I found it hard to do after his yelling and name calling he expects that I act as if nothing happened and get on with it. He started saying a few months ago that if I can't satisfy him enough, he will look somewhere else and I can't blame him. He expects me to have 'it' with him three or four times a day! He kept saying that I should allow him to satisfy himself elsewhere and that I should find a woman for him that I approved to have 'it' with him. I was dumbfounded with horror and he said that I'm such a prude. Whenever he travels overseas, he never provide me with his flight details and hotels details as he said that it is not necessary as I can always call him on his mobile. He has been doing this from day one we got married. Am I a moron? Maybe he is right..I am stupid and a moron..He told his friend that he refused to put my name in any of his asset as he said I don't deserve it as I haven't contribute anything, besides he said if I divorce her of she divorce me, she will not get anything. Later his friend's wife told me what he told her husband because they thought his statement was really unreasonable. This predicament of mine has affected me, I lost my hair due to stress, I have to be very careful not to lose or put too much weight as he would be upset..I really feel depressed. He never want to see my family and he always avoid them, he said my mother can't speak English and he is not going to sit there and twidle his thumb and sit there like a statue. He said he has nothing to do with my mother or my family. They can come and visit us but he really doesn't like to visit my mother. My mother has always been unwell and recently she fell ill, and she has lost a considerable amount of weight. She has been fat all the while but she is quite thin now. It has been three years that my husband hadn't seen her and I mentioned that as a courtesy it wouldn't hurt if you visit her once and a short while. He said to me that he doesn't think it would make any difference to my mum's health. My mum would not have a longer life just because he visit her! I am going to see my mum soon without my husband again. I've lost idea of having to make up any reason to explain his absence. Everytime he yelled at me calling me an idiot or a moron, I asked him why he has to use such words he said that he has every reason to call me that and yelled at me because I lack common sense. I told him that I think he is very difficult and he is fed up of me as I think some of his yelling was unreasonable, if so he should let me go, and he said he is very close to doing that. I'm not scared if he let me go, the problem is I'm not working, I've been trying to get a job. If only I can find a decent full time job, I would have move out of the house, rent a small apartment with my daughter and he can come an visit his daughter anytime. I know he wouldn't let go of his daughter, he loves her very much, and he told a friend that he would do anything to get a custody if anything happened between us and I think one of the reason for him to make me poor is to control the situation. I think his yelling is also affecting my 4 year old daughter but it is difficult really as she loves his daddy very much. I recently heard that he jokingly told his friend that it would be good if I die of whatever reason so that he does not have to worry about custody, maintainence etc having to divide his assets. He had a lot of drinks and I think he didn't realised what he was saying. The next day he could not remember anything. Once I did asked him to see a marriage counsellor together, he said it is not necessary as he doesn't have a problem, I'm the one who has a problem and I should deal with it. So, is he being an absolute difficult, selfish and inconsiderate man or is he is trying to drive me out? He once admitted that he is selfish and he has the every right to be selfish because he is the one who brings in the money.

Can I just say that your husband is an a**hole! You don't deserve him and you should get out of this relationship as soon as possible. He is taking advantag of you, abuses you metally and it doesn't seem like he loves you at all. It looks like he treats you as his maid, nothing more. It looks like you're just good to cook and for the sex. The relationship you have is not going to change even if you do manage to go see a counselor. He doesn't trust you at all and it is absurd that as husband and wife you don't have the freedom to spend money as you wish, that you don't have a joint account, that your name is not on any of his assets, etc. Take your daughter and go away. Cause if you stay longer, your daughter will soon see how bad he treats you and that's not good at all for her. I would kick him in his balls if I were you!

Good luck!

woaH! the verbal abuse is such that your story is almost close to unbelievable. and if all of these are true, branding your husband an a**hole is an understatement.

There is not even respect, not mention love. If you don't work, you loss your dignity. Judging from the words he uses and the way he behaves towards you, he is not a nice person at all, not a man...Why dont you just get out of that hell? Just be brave and take the first step of deciding to leave him behind with his dirty words, foul mouth...Try to stand on your own feet first, and there are always better men out there. Just be brave!

Dear Alk,

Sorry if you probably think the I am useless, and I do understand fully that this is only my side of story. I was an independant woman before I married my husband, worked my way thru college and universities even when I was working. I sponsored myself thru the uni and got myself a part scholarship from my company I was working with to proceed to masters degree. So you can see that I have to be frugal to ensure that I have enough for my studies. I was never a shopholic, as I realised that money is not easy to come by, I've been there done that. He had a chinese girlfriend before me and she ran off with his money so I think he doesn't trust anybody with his money. I have always been frugal, but the problem is I think he is the kind of person that is opportunist, you give an arm he wants a leg. It is unbelievable true, but it is happening to me. When my helper first worked with us, she wanted to resign but she stayed on until her contract ends and she wouldn't renew because she said she can't stand to hear and see what's happening. My husband said she was just making an excuse and this is a perfectly normal household. Sometimes in his better moods he is very nice to me, after all those verbal abuse, he expects me to perform and I was so not into it but he didn't complain till much later. Most often than not, he will buy me nice clothes, or take me out to dinner or at least treated my nicely the next day and I again feel guilty to having the thought of leaving him.

During the first few months I met him, I was busy doing photo shoots and also having a full time job I didn't spent much time with him, and I felt a bit guilty one day and invited him to have lunch at my home to sample my home cooking. I learned cooking when I was very young, I wanted to become a chef one day and as my dad had a restaurant and we had a catering business, my ambition was quite strong. Following the advise of my dad, I decided to abandon that ambition and pursue other ambition.


Justin, thank you for your words of encouragement, I don't have much self esteem and confidence these days, and I am not the same person I used to be but I think I am still a strong woman. I agree with you that he is probably insecure, and he needs to control. Maybe I deserve those name calling, as I failed to treat him like a king(that was what he said). He worked all week and sometimes weekend and he takes good care of us. I feel that I don't have anyone to depend on as my dad had passed away, my mum is wheel chair bound and ailing and I don't have siblings to rely on. I think I really need to think about these carefully before I make a move.

Dixie, I didn't say u r useless. on the contrary, what i meant is that he abuses you too much. and that if he does all those things to you, he is a lot more than just an a**hole. u deserve someone who would appreciate u. assess the situation and discuss it with him, or better yet go on a holiday with your daughter and never go back to that horrible man.

It was hard to keep reading, I cringed and am sorry that you have found yourself in this predicament.

Asshole, abuser, psychopath, self loathing loser whatever. Makes no difference. IMHO you should seriously start thinking about how to get away from this situation. It doesn't necessarily have to be forever but fact of the matter is when friends are getting concerned and your helper can't bear to see it there is a huge problem. Your child may be only 4 but how much longer before she sees it too if it carries on this way?

Look, you are an intelligent, university educated woman. You aren't going to starve.

Have you any other family that you can stay with for a while so that you can sort things out in your head, applying for jobs etc. in peace? Your Mum is wheelchair bound you said and I understand not wanting to worry parents but you want your children to be safe, no matter how disappointing circumstances are. While you are at home considering your options you'd be able to give your Mum a bit of unhindered TLC too. It can't be more difficult than waiting hand and foot on your husband.

From what you've written I really don't think this guy is going to magically morph back into the one that you fell in love with. You never know though, maybe if he sees that the fog has cleared for you he actually might want to take a long hard look at himself and want to be a better man.

You posted this so you are FAR from useless. You are doing something about it now. You aren't helpless and are taking steps towards finding a solution. Read stuff on the internet and maybe even go and see someone to get things off your chest. Private therapists/ psychologists can be expensive in HKG but there are other places like St John's cathedral and ReSource.


Good luck

'The Bird' has been banned for posting racist comments - please go crawl back under your rock... or better yet try:


http://hongkong.asiaxpat.com/atoz.asp?cat=201&id=113



RACISM IS EVIL

dixiechick


GET OUT QUICK!!!...you don't deserve to be treated like this..no one should. obviously he has absolutely NO RESPECT for you and i hardly call this love. i can't believe you put up with so much crap from him..u must really love him. The mental abuse that he puts you through, my dear he's not the be all and end all guy in this world. you are probably holding on to this marriage because of your daughter but what kind of example are you setting for her? she's going to grow up thinking this is the norm and men should treat women this way.

Don't get me wrong, i'm not advocating a separation or divorce...but if you don't take any action or else you will be a victim.

Agree with chatters here said. You don't deserve to be treated this way. And abt him saying that he prefer u to be dead when drunk, wow, that's terrible. Am sure he has been thinking abt it, otherwise he won't say such things. You shld really move out and move on. He is a disgrace to all good Men in this planet. He don't deserve any respect, he needs to earn it. If he don't respect u, then u have no obligation to respect him in return.

Sarcastic replies will get you an immediate suspension... as someone has just found out.


Please follow our rules

Agree with all on here and cannot believe how poorly you have been treated but there are always solutions even if they are difficult. I think it would be helpful for you to speak with a lawyer to see what your entitlement would be if you split so that you know that you will have some monetary support. I assume that you were married in HK and I am not sure about the matrimony law here but at the very least I would expect he is required to pay child support. In my home country, even if the matrimonial home is in one persons name, the presumption is that each spouse gets 50/50 so it would be worth checking. I understand that most divorce lawyers are happy to have a free 1 hour chat with you first so you would not have to disclose to your husband. Would be good to assess your options so that you know you are not stuck there out of financial requirement. Many couples have a stay at home mum or dad and is completely unreasonable for the working spouse to control all finances and expenses. Not much of a "team" approach which is what marriage is all about. Your husband sounds like he belongs in the 60s where a woman's place is in the home looking after the kids and is given "housekeeping" money to pay for the groceries etc. That is no way to live. If you love him and think that he might change then maybe you can try and reason with him but from what you have said it sounds like this is domestic abuse (even if not physical). There must be support networks in HK for people in your situation. At home it would be womens refuge. Perhaps worth looking into as well as any benefit schemes in Hong Kong until you get on your feet again financially. I really feel for you dixie chick and do hope that things pick up for you. Definately worth seeking the support of your mother in this - domestic abuse is not something to keep quiet about and you will need the help of your friends and family.

What about seeking some assistance from the SoulTalk support centre for women? It's free and seems to be exactly what you might need in terms of getting advice and help out of your current situation. Here is their URL: http://www.soultalk.org/soultalk/main/content.asp?lang=E&id=122

Good luck.

dixiechick, the fact that you've posted shows that you too feel that his actions are not right. Hun, you probably already know that the rest of us will agree with your thoughts too.


And you've mentiond that while you have considered leaving him, you daren't because you're worried that you may not be able to provide financially for yourself and your daughter.


However, we are stronger than we think.


While it's important to stay and work things out in a marriage, I don't feel that I would stay if it is abusive and this one is. Emotional abusive is FAR worse than physical abuse. I would not like my daughter to witness such abuse and disrespect either.


This is no way to live. When you were thinking about marriage, you wanted a life where you would be loved, respected and cherished.... not a prison.


Life as a single parent is hard, I have friends in that siutation but you will be free from such abuse and you have a daughter who will always be there for you.


His treatment of you is REALLY worrying. I'm shocked beyond belief.


I would really seek couselling and I'd do it fast. This is eating you up.. and it's causing you stress that you do not deserve.

He is abusive. Emotional and mental abuse is just as damaging as physical abuse. Once you recognise his behaviour as abusive, you need to protect yourself.


You might think that getting out is hard, but staying is far more damaging for you and your daughter. You don't want her to grow up in this toxic environment, where her father doesn't respect her mother and constantly belittles her. Not a good example. You can rebuild your life. Seek help and move in that direction.

DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO LEAVE AND FIND YOURSELF A GOOD LAWYER AS MENTIONED ABOVE. "CHOOSE YOUR DESTINY BEFORE IT CHOOSES YOU"

Dixie chick,would suggest you try to find a job and meanwhile get some community help.After secure a job and earns some bucks you can be really independent with your daughter away from him.Get some help while you can at here.If you are out in a foreign country it'll be difficult.

Since he's not willing to get a counselling.There

are not much possiblity he will change.Not trying to be negative.Loving a person should not be this way.Act while you can.Best wishes.

Maybe weekends, who cares? Nitpicking much? It wouldn't kill you to give the benefit of the doubt here IMO.

Any succesful relationship is built on mutual respect. The respect is far gone in this relationship, from both sides. The question you need to ask yourself Dixiechick is why you haven't made a move yet. Your posting here is only a first step in finding your way out, seeking confirmation for an inevitable split. Well, you have your confirmation from the thread above, the next step is up to you. Let us know what you're going to do.

Dear Saikunga and Denovo,

Sorry I have been very busy. At the moment I don't have a helper(she didn't want to renew her contract)and my part time helper had called in sick since Saturday. At the moment I have to get up early morning, prepare breakfast if not for him, for my husband, cleaning the clothes, ironing, cleaning the house, look after my daughter, ironing his work shirts, cook lunch for daughter, dinner for him etc. I have to be careful as I hardly have time for myself, and even if I use the computer, he would quietly crept behind me and see what I'm doing. Good job he fell asleep on the sofa and I am typing this as fast as I could. He always demanded 3/4 times sex a day and it has happened when he took time off a few months last year when he was between jobs. My God, 1 time early morning, then 1 before breakfast, 1 after lunch, sometimes 1 during bis afternoon nap, and 1 at bedtime. It was torture for me! Everyday I prayed that he would go back to work as soon as possible. Now that he is working, he only have time for 2 or 3 times a night, and I always try to avoid. I'm exhausted! That is why he complained that I'm not doing my duties as a wife and he suggest that he find 'satisfaction' somewhere else. Is it normal for men to want sex so many times? Call me ignorant but I'm wondering..got to go..he is waking up..Will try

jip60, I know it's unbelievable that things like that happen but unfortunately it happens quite a lot in an Asian culture, where divorce is considered a failure and a disgrace to the family. As a result, most Asian women, even well-educated ones put up with it. Some have even given up their careers to fulfill their duties as a loving wife and a mother. Such beliefs have been there for generations and a mentality that is difficult to undo.


It is a great mentality in a sense that it helps strengthen relationships but at the same time, if one party in a relationship takes the other for granted, such mentality is a terrible one to have. The idea is that if you are a loving wife and you do everything for your husband, he will appreciate it and you will have a strong relationship and a loving family. But sadly, this is NOT true as you have seen for yourself, dixiechick. Some men take you for granted as a result of it. The majority of women in a western society would not put up with being treated like a "doormat" (I hope you don't mind me saying that).


I guess what I'm saying is that although I understand where you are coming from given your background, I think you need to ask yourself this: Is this what you want for the rest of your life? Is this what you envisaged your family life to be? How do you think your husband's lack of respect for you would affect your daughter in your family relationship and as a woman? Would you want her to grow up thinking that it is okay for men to treat women like this? I apologise if I sound harsh but I have a daughter myself.


There are a lot of uncertainties out there if you choose to give up this relationship, yes, but it can't be worse than being abused like this daily. It takes a lot of courage to just walk away and say, "I don't care what people think. I deserve to be happy and respected". And when you are happy, your daughter will be too.


If your husband feels that there is someone else out there who are willing to accept his abuse, then let him go find her. I doubt he'll find one. Even if he did, you'll be thankful that it isn't you and you are no longer the victim.


By the way, you are entitled to half of everything he owns, contrary to what he has been telling you, even if they are all in his name. I can't even believe he shows you such disrespect in front of friends. I think all his friends will applaud you if you leave him. As you've said, they all think he's unreasonable.


NOBODY can hurt you or put you down like this unless you allow it. I don't know you but I'm really worried for you.

Starbucks 2,

I am neither a Hongkonger or a permanent resident. We were not married in Hong Kong and not in Europe either. He is European and I am a non Chinese Asian. I've been trying to find a permanent job in HK for over a year but so far has been successful. The most common reason they give was that I can't speak cantonese and that I've been out of the work force for quite some time. I will keep on trying to find a job first before I take the next step.

Saikunga, I know you must be asking why I had an abusive relationship before this one. I had a happy relationship for five years with my previous boyfriend. He was gentle, funny and caring. He was a divorcee and he told my parents that he wanted to settle down with me. The problem started when I just to be save asked him for a copy of his divorce papers and I always got an excuse. One day I received a call from a woman claiming to be his wife and we agreed to meet. In short, that woman was indeed his wife and they are still very married and she was expecting a second child. I promised the wife that I will not destroy their marriage and decided to break up with him. I didn't want the same thing to happen to me in the future and I really felt for this woman. He was not happy and he insisted that I continue the relationship with him but I refused and tried to move on. One day he called me to see me to talk to me for the last time and he said that he already accepted my decision. I went to see him over coffee and instead he treaten me and snatch my car key and pushed me in my car and he droved away. I was kidnapped and he brought me to a place where he punched me and hit me all nite. He thought that the reason I left him was because I had another boyfriend. I managed to call a friend of mine and escaped from him and later made a report to the police. Because he had a family and because of his wife and he was the sole breadwinner, I decided to drop the kidnap and abuse charge. He stalked me and sent me treatening sms for a few months until I made another police report and I managed to get a court order for him to stay away from me. Anyway, my husband knew about this because I told him later on and he said it is really unjust what this person did to me. My husband is not abusive on normal circumstances, it is just that he is really short tempered and get angry very easily, as he said he is really under a lot of pressure and stress at work and he can't tolerate any stupidity of any sort. He told me that he doesn't have any problems with his colleagues, things gets done as and when he wants and on time and he couldn't understand why as a wife I can't be like that. He can't stand it when he asked me to do something and he has to wait. He wants me to drop everything that I am doing as his request is more important than anything else and he expects me to do as told. Do you think that makes sense? He said that I was responsible for the things he said to me, because I made him say those things when I didn't do as told or I don't deliver on time.

Dear Perfection,

You are probably right. That was what my husband said that I made him say all those things to me and I deserve it. To be honest, I am still trying to save my marriage and want both of us to go for counselling. I just want to find out whether he is fed up with me and thus is trying to drive me out of the house, or whether he himself is not aware of the damage that he is doing. I confronted him several times and he doesn't seemed to accept the fact that he is damaging the relationship. I told him many times that he is verbally abusing me, but he said that is nonsense. You are right I am not the person I used to be, my self esteem is low nowadays but I still have pockets of self respect and dignity for myself and I want to seek help which I am doing right now.

Dixie chick,

there is not a lot you can do about your situation. this is the reason why a lot of couples separate or divorce. many of these relationships can't be saved, because some of those involved are not willing to save it. in your case, your husband does not value you.

Dixie chick,


Get out...


You need to see a lawyer pronto You need fully understand your rights with regard to (i) custody of your daughter; (ii) your entitlement (iii) what proof do you need in order to show that your husband is abusive etc.


Go and see legal aid and a counseller.


Get out.

Why u let him doing that to u for that long?

Just a thought, you might want to keep in touch with your ex helper also just in case.

Dixie chick: U sound like an intelligent woman who wants what u want for yr future.


Regain the self confidence u long lost and u got all my best wishes.

dixiechick,


I was totally shocked after reading your account. Please for the sake of your daughter and yourself, FIND A GOOD DIVOURCE LAWYER. You may consider calling social services for conselling as you need to talk to someone and get our husband's views of out your head. Even if you do not get 50% of his assets a decent laywer will get your a reasonable amount to live on and time enough for you to get our sanity back!!! I hope you are well.

Hi Dixiechick :)


I'm not going to comment on the relationship or what you can do to help resolve the problems you face there because you've had some really good advice on here already. But here's what I can suggest to you.

You're a great cook and from what I can read you also have some understanding of the catering industry right? Have you thought about giving cooking lessons for ladies at home. Two things - for one, it will be the start of you becoming more financially independent slowly but surely and two, it will give you that much needed confidence which will help you in any situation you find yourself in. I'm sure everyone here would be happy to give you suggestions on how you can make it work - should you decide to do start such a business? I for one would be very happy to offer you advice and guidance so feel free to get in touch.

Dixiechick, unless you are just telling stories there is only one answer. Get out of his life.

Dear All,


Thank you for your valuable advice whether it is positive or negative I really appreciate it. My absence for two months was due to soul searching and finding the right (if not the best) way of solving my problems. I manage to sit down with him and we really spilled the beans on the table. After much screaming and yelling from both sides, (and also some advise from his childhood and best friend) he agreed to go for counselling. He spoke to some of his trusted friends and in general they agreed that he was irrational in some of his ways. I spoke to a divorce lawyer and he was really shocked that I would have the guts to do that. That definitely opened his eyes. To cut the story short, things are a bit better, he managed to control his temper and rudeness and I have managed (so far) not to give him any chance to undermine me. I think going to counseling was the right thing I've ever done. I should have considered this a long time ago. I am also slowly getting into the workforce and I hope that I would be able to be financially independant or at least contribute financially to the family. So the next time he is up to his tricks again, he'll get the boot and I'm not turning back! I'm not afraid of a divorce and I've made it clear to him and he knows that.


Thank you again for all your valuable advise.


Best regards,


Dixiechick

Dixiechick,


i applaud your bravery in confronting him and standing up for yourself. now, going forward, you must remember to stick to your guns and not to let him start to undermine you again.


the reason i say this is that i was in an abusive marriage quite a few years ago. very similar to you in that my ex-husband would call me all the names under the sun (uncluding the c word) and tell me that i was useless and selfish and not a good person, and that the only person who could ever love me was him....i also went from a very bubbly happy confident person to someone who didn't dare do anything without his permission in case he got into a temper and shouted at me! he would constantly check up on me, threaten to have me followed and consistently check my phone and emails to see who i'd been speaking to. he would also put me down in front of other people and i used to have things thrown at me, get locked out the house, made to get out of the car to find my own way home etc...so i can totally understand what you're going through!


like you, we also went to relationship counselling, and yes, it did work...for a while. in the end though, i realised that a leopard doesn't change its spots and it wasn't long before things were back to how they were before.


i eventually had the courage to leave him and when i did, i realised then how much he'd changed me. my friends and family supported me through the whole split and i slowly got my life back.


however, for a long time before i knew that i couldn't be with him forever, but it didn't matter how much people told me to leave him, only i could make that decision in the end when i felt the time was right.


and you sound like you will do what's best for you when the time is right too. don't forget, you have a daughter you have to protect so please please bear that in mind, and it certainly sounds like you would both be better off away from this man.


stay strong for yourself and your daughter!


fyi, i divorced my ex-husband and am now happily married to the loveliest, kindest man i've ever met. we have two lovely children and i could not be happier!


so things do have happy endiings!

WOW, i'm from canada and i've have some pretty bad relationships with men from here. Some That come close to the situation you are in. And if you are wondering if you are in the wrong here, take it from me, YOU ARE NOT WRONG! He is ana**hole, self centered baby who thinks that since he makes money to provide for the family he made he can treat you however he wants, that is not right at all!!! Last guy who treated me like that i moved out right away!


I know its hard to leave someone you have become attached to, and have children with, but its not worth the beating down of your soul to stay in an abusive relationship!!The future happiness of your children depend on happy parents, and if he is calling you names and taking away your face in front of your daughter then the marriage is definitely not worth it. You dont want to be with someone who is lazy in trying to make a marriage work.