Posted by
JCJ
17 yrs ago
Just experienced my first vanishing. This guy & I got on fabulously, connection intense, then poof! Emails/calls unreturned. I gather this is quite common. Came across this amusing list which I thought I'd share:
Reasons Why Men Disappear (abridged)
Has become Unabomber and now lives in unwired cabin in Montana
Hit by "the bus"
Lying dead in a ditch somewhere
Has had partial stroke affecting only ability to communicate via phone or email
Witness protection program has given him a new identity and firm instructions not to contact anyone from his "previous life"
Wrongly imprisoned in bizarre beer pong-related incidents in Thailand
Entered monastery in which any contact with evil females is prohibited
Signed nondisclosure agreements with self; if found in violation, will have to sue himself
Went on road trip with buddy a month ago, refused to ask for directions, and the two remain lost somewhere between here and Tijuana
Has been bricked up behind a wall in someone’s basement
Was on Oceanic Flight 815
and, of course:
He's just not that into you
Well, ladies, all I can say is we deserve better than men who don't have the gumption to explain. Good riddance!
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So what does one do when it finally sinks in that he's chickened out?
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Not to sound negative...honestly...or to start a gender-based fight of the buns....but I note that the fairer sex are usually unable to counternance even the remotest possibility that said 'disappearance' had something to do with relationship not so 'fabulous' for gentleman....and some degree of disatisfaction somewhere with woman.
Claim that 'this is quite common' absolves blame further.
I would lean towards fatkid's second musing above as the most reasonable explanation.
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so, in essence, you just 'weren't that into her'?
did you actually ask her out?
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Well, I can sympathize with JCJ. Yes, its true that its not just men who do this - women disappear too. And not just on the internet or because they have been dumped in a harbor somewhere or what remains of a harbor either!
Yes, we all deserve better people than ones who just disappear without an explanation. It happens though. Its happened to me frequently. And it causes me real anguish.
Cityninja is right - people do play games. But there are also people even on the internet who are in fact, just that - people. And they have perhaps taken an honest approach at trying to meet people only to get badly burned.
Hong Kong is a lonely city sometimes. My sympathies - JCJ. I understand your hurt but I admire your being able to post how you feel with good humor and grace. I shall try and adopt a mode of viewing my own personal disasters as mere comedy.
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JCJ
17 yrs ago
Hey Furrowed Brow thanks for the support! Yeah, it hurts a bit but am glad it does, coz it confirms I'm human and without hurt there wouldn't be pleasure, right? Besides, gotta be able to laugh at things. Life is too short not to be enjoyed I say.
As to some other comments, I'm not saying that I'm blameless in word or deed. I very well could be. What I am saying is that people, the guy, or gal as the case may be, should have the courtesy not to just leave you dangling there. If you're old enough to date, you should be old enough to say, "hey you know what, it's not working for me". I can respect that. In my book, it's cowardly to just vanish into thin air.
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Many guys think they are doing the woman a favor by simply vanishing rather than telling them something that will hurt them. Explaining to someone why you don't want to continue a relationship inherently involves telling them something hurtful. You can try things like "we don't have much in common" or " it's me not you" but I never feel like the women believe this - they always seems to think that the breakup is someone a reflection of something inadequate about them or they fall into the "all men are scum" thing. I've been disappeared on too, it did bother me but I'm not sure if I wouldn't have been more upset if the women had been brutally honest.
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selda
17 yrs ago
I don't know what the majority of women would prefer, but I can tell you that my friends and I (we had this discussion after the guy i was dating was apparently abducted by aliens) prefer to be told the truth, brutal and honest as it might be, rather than spend weeks wondering what happened, what went wrong, if he suffers from a split personality, if he is married, dead or in jail.
At the end of the day, how bad can the truth be? The truth is what ultimately sets you free.
I'd rather hear from him something like 'I just wanted to get laid, i am not interested in having a relationship with you, and by the way i am already bonking A, B, and C' than wasting my time analyzing every minute of our relationship looking for clues.
I dropped guys i wasn't interested in, no need to be cruel, a very simple 'I had a good time with you, but i am not ready/inclined to get serious/ too involved, i want to spend more time alone/with friends/dating men etc.' doesn't hurt anybody's pride, but at least sends a clear message. Refusing to take calls, changing phone numbers, email addresses is far more complicated and i still don't understand why would anybody go to such a great length to end a relationship.
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JCJ
17 yrs ago
Who knows what makes a relationship work, and what triggers a guy/gal to turn tail. Could be such a myriad of factors.
If either side doesn't want to be in it, however much you wish it were different, you have to just move on. Life.
As for what should be said and done when that moment arrives maybe there should be a universally understood code! Like yellow. The next time you want to break up with someone wear a fluorescent yellow tie/shirt/whatever. If it's electronic, type 'It's yellow'. Message sent & received!
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