Posted by
destny
17 yrs ago
hi all,just wanted ur opinions about some fact.
i have a bf,met him one year ago(last july) but the real time we've been together is around 9 months,he had been back to germany for 3 months inbetween.
this february,he was sent to guangzhou(from shanghai)to work.u know long distance relationships are hard,and we had some fights cuz i couldn't trust him 100%.last month he came back to sh but i found he had several affairs in gz.when i asked him about it,he freaked out that i didn't respect his privacy(i saw these pixx on his pc),and said that he was in gz for 4 months and couldn't resist the temptation.i still remember,one time in guangzhou he went to a trip with a gal he met for a few days and wanted to break up with me,and the next day he came back to me and said he would never trust someone who he barely knew.
right now,things are fine between us,he says he loves me and i love him a lot,more than he loves me i think.but i can't trust him,i can't forget all the problems he gave to me,i got hurt deeply.he is saying that i'm too young to understand men and there's no man who doesn't have affairs. he even told me that before he had so many gals at a time,and now he is trying his best with me.
but still,he likes flirting and always look back when some beautiful gals passing by.
does he love me?am i special to him or just one of the gal friends he has?can you guys give me some opinions?thanks.
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Hi Destny,
You sound kind of young and inexperienced while your boyfriend sounds like a "man of the world" who is into his independence and may still want to explore.
From your description, I think that you are probably taking this relationship too seriously.
I am not saying that your boyfriend doesn't have genuine affection (or even love) for you but I think that you are asking the wrong question when you ask "does he love me"? Every person on Earth can love 100 different people, 100 different ways. As many people will attest, love does not guarantee fidelity.
Perhaps you should be asking yourself whether you have compatible views on relationships and the same ultimate objectives and if not, whether you can somehow bridge this gap. Honestly, it sounds like the two of you are coming from completely different worldviews and mismatched sexual experience and it will be difficult to see "eye-to-eye".
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If he has abused your trust already, why do you think things will improve?
If he is checking out what other girls there are in your presence, not only is he insulting you but likely indicates nothing has changed.
Maybe he is just immature and can't figure out what he wants - time to move on.
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marigold,thanks for ur honest answer,i agree with what you said.i don't know how we became a couple,sometimes i really think we're mismatched,
maybe this is so called "opposite attraction"?or maybe i'm just curious about a different man from another world?but after all,it's been one year.i can't deny there's something real rather than curiosity.i accept him more as he is,and we don't fight as much as before.but i don't wanna change or feel or act a certain way,i am myself.
and he won't change either,he's come too far to be back to an innocent guy.
think all i can do is to enjoy the moment being with him and see what will happen.right?
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Daklak,
like marigold said,love can't guarentee fidelity.
after lots of fights,after lots of ups and downs,
i realized that i still love him.i don't feel like giving it up.and the only way to make things work is accept him as he is.what else can i do?and he is changing a bit too.
i don't know what's gonna happen later,just try focus on the moment.this is life,isn't it?
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Dear Destny, Please beware of VD and HIV. Have him used protection. No woman can accept a man like him -- not faithful, unstable. I think you should find someone who appreciate, love, care, protect and share thoughts with you.
Good Luck and Take Care :-P
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Dear Destny,
Based on your latest comments, it sounds as though your relationship with this guy is like an airplane in mid-flight-- in too deep to bail out. Also, I think that if you pull the plug on this relationship now, you will feel a lack of resolution that will persist in the back of your mind for a very long time (and possibly spillover to other future relationships).
It sounds as though it is important to you psychologically to arrive at your destination (i.e. some clear resolution one way or the other...i.e. either you manage to work it out or you end up swearing him off forever). In your case, it seems that the fever has to run its course.
I can see that you want to give this relationship your best shot, come what may and at least have the satisfaction of knowing that you tried your best. While that is admirable, the real danger is being too dogmatic or blind/unwilling to see things as they are and letting a hopeless situation drag on for years from wishful thinking. That would indeed be a tragic opportunity cost for you.
The others on this thread are probably speaking from having been around the block in this regard and want to spare you the potential trauma of a bad relationship and don't want to see you waste your time-- but in reality, everyone needs to experience this sort of thing first-hand, once in their lifetime.
I think that it is pretty unlikely that this dude is the one that you are looking for --at least at this intersecting point in your lives. I think that you will eventually come to that realization (hopefully sooner rather than years later). But again, it is something that you, **yourself** have to feel in your heart and mind in order to move on, grow and find Mr. Right.
It doesn't seem like anyone on this thread is particularly optimistic about your relationship. The others have some good points. In reality. broken heart is no big deal--everyone gets over it eventually. HIV, hepatitis etc, on the other hand, will be an everlasting souvenir of your treasured memories.
So take care.
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thanks for all ur kind answers again.it's a bit disapointing that u guys are not optimistic about my relationship,but i can't say what you said doesn't make sense.i believe u guys came through much more before and don't want me to make same mistakes.i appreciate all that and will be aware of what i've been advised.
i don't know if it's real or just his excuse,he said that he would get married in one or two years(he is 31),and before that he wanted to enjoy a bit freedom so that he could be a good husband after getting married.i told him he was him and wouldn't change much,but he was so confident that he would be just happy to watch his kids playing.
some interesting thing is that he told me about his ex gfs in germany.he had a 6-year-relationship with one gal,but it's said that they took a break once in a while,which means they both had other partners,and then back to stay together.he also told me that sometimes he allowed his gf to go out with other guys,even if she kissed the guys,he didn't really care cuz he believed the gal loved him.i can't really understand.it's a lover,not a gf.he said that one of his ex told him that he could have as many gals as he wanted as long as she was the most important gal to him.it's not interesting for me,i can't do that and i told him i wouldn't accept that.is it the difference between westen and asian gals?do westen gals really not care about men having affairs?if u have had similar experience before what did you do to deal with that? can anyone share ur way to get over this?
thanks again for viewing my boring stories,always.
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clan
17 yrs ago
Please don't believe that Western women would normally allow that. I wouldn't put up with that attitude from a man and I'm Western. I'm sorry but he sounds very arrogant and very selfish. I'd run a mile from him...leave him alone. He wants to live the life of a single man and he is making you think that that is normal when you are in a relationship. Do not allow him to make you doubt yourself. You are so uncomfortable with this situation, if he had any love and respect for you he would not put you through this. Do not compromise to please him because in the end you will get really hurt....probably not what you want to hear but you have to be realistic...if you have a relationship with someone it should be 2 sided and your opinion and feelings counts as much as his.
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That relationship he had was an 'open' one.
As marigold said, "the airplane is in mid flight" and it's too late to pull out. It makes sense to give it your last shot. I have to say I too am not optimistic about this relationship either as 1 year is just too soon for a man to start straying. If you decide to give it another shot, as youself, are you willing to be saddled with his children one day and hearing that he's had several women in different cities while on 'business trips'. Having children and watchig them play does not quell a man's straying capabilities. Sounds like empty promises to me.
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clan,
thanks for ur answer.i was also doubting what he said,that westen women are open and understanding what he did.no matter what nation, ppl all have emotion and they should feel the same basically in relationships.he is really kinda controling my mind,making me doubt myself as if i am the one who is too narrow and innocent.he said that none of his ex gfs wanted to control him as i do and that he never had fight with them before,but am too difficult and don't give him personal space.i don't control him,i don't have the ability to control him,i just don't allow him to get close to other gals,and he thinks i'm controling him.
but when i have to meet some guy friends,he is extremly jealous,even chekcing my phone and etc. don't know what he worries about.
anyway clan,ur words helped me a lot to believe in myself.thanks.
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tulip daffodil,
he had a health test two weeks ago and everything was normal,no VD or HIV. if he is healthy,does there still a risk exist that i can get such disease during having sex with him?i wanna be 100% sure for this.
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Bottom line, cheated once, will continue doing it even after marriage. All those excuses he is giving u are kinda lame to me. He doesn't respect u at all, period. A guy like him who knows girls like u will stick to him no matter what, will keep doing it....give him the boot n start over.
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balzac,
thanks for caring.of course i don't want that happen,thats why am asking ur opinions.once he said he has bubbly personality which can't help him being curious and demanding more attention. he told me if i lov him as he is,i had to accept his good side as well as bad side.he said that i should go for a real boring guy if i want my bf just to look at me,he thinks good and quiet guys are boring.
he's not an a**hole,but needs too much attention and bounces like ballon all the time.maybe he does want relationship but not get ready for that.
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destiny,
some viruses take some time (window period) before they are able to be picked up by tests. This is called 'false negative'.
Please trust your instincts and try to discern what is right or wrong. It is not true that western women are how he describes.
You are better off dating a guy who loves and cherishes you, and only you.
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even men love you but most still look at other pretty girl on the street.
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Your relationship with him is sinking like the Titanic. But the iceberg is lack of honesty on his part. Maybe you are also a little naive.
I had a female friend ... she wanted to become lifelong lovers and get married, etc. I told her I was only going to be in country another 6 months. I told her that if she wanted to date for that time and be friends with benefits (FWB) then good. But, I would also be traveling to other countries and might find an overnight companion. She agreed to it all. [I do think she was always hoping I would change my mind.]
I leave in 2 weeks and I am currently living with her until my move. I have been open and brutally honest about everything. And, when I move, she will come visit me periodically for a weekend - she likes the 'benefit' part.
Honesty.... if it doesn't have it, your relationship is doomed.
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car lover and balzac,
thx for ur advice.i'll be aware more of myself and do what is best for me.thanks again.
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whitecatbj,
i know it's ppl's nature to pay attention to pretty gals or handsome guys.but his case is not that simple,he has to look back when gals pass by and sometimes when gals are in front of him,he walks faster to have a look at their faces.i don't know why it is neccessary to him,it looks stupid.puhhh~~~~~~
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raven767,
in ur case it's a casual relationship.i don't want that and he knows it's not my type.
i'm chinese korean and probably i'm gonna work in korea in one year.he even asked me if he could go with me.
i can't understand him.sometimes he is like really serious but sometimes he's acting a jerk.
maybe you can tell me what you think of him,after all,guys know guys...
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As a guy, i think he wants to keep u and also have fun with others at the same time, that's why all the sweet talks starts coming out to keep u around. If he loves u, he won't even talk/mentioned all those BS he said.
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