Posted by
hkmama1
17 yrs ago
basically i am fed up with hk, i want to go back to uk, i have been feeling this way for a loonggg time now. only problem is im married to a local chinese and we have a 7 year old son.
i tell me hubby of my feelings here, my unhappiness, he says im selfish for going back to uk with our son. sure it isnt going to be fair whatever we decide is it!! by staying here i resent him more, by going i take a son away from him.
yes i have asked him to try uk, he has made it very clear NO. he is selfish for not at least trying it.
i have told him it it my intention to go back in a few years time......
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I understand how you feel. You must miss UK so much and this is so hard for you right now. I do not know what to say to cheer you up. But one thing I do not know why you are so fed up here. Perhaps try to tell him that your son can have a great education in UK. Let him knows UK education is very good, and see if he can listen a bit.
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thank teress, oh the education here, dont get me started LOL, all i can do is plan for myself and my son and hope that my husband loves me enough to come too.
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Try to make him to see UK is also a good place to live. I know it would be so hard for him to understand. But at least you try your best effort. Hope he will be willing to listen a bit more.
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clan
17 yrs ago
What exactly are you fed up with? Is your son in the Chinese education system here? Do you have a network of likeminded friends in HK or do you feel isolated?
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Realistically, you might need to figure out why he don't want to go rather than hoping he will love you enough to go with you. Chinese man maybe most of the man is reluctant to face the changes, especially, when he know he might need to start from the very beginning.
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clan, i am fed up of not having my family around me, fed up of the small flat we live in, fed up of the hustle/bustle, the crowds, the pollution, having nothing to do for kids, rude people, pressure from school, just about time i went home. i am british, i wanna go home. simple as that..i have a few likeminded friends, half of those are fed up too....well with the exception of those on expat deals here LOL
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yes i am from uk, portsmouth is where i'd go back too. came with my family actually who were posted here back in 1989, i was only 16 when i made that BIG decision to stay in HK....
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Do you think you might feel not so easy to live in portsmouth as you have been away from home so long? I know you very much hope to go back now. But you might find many things back home has been changed. You might need time to settle again. Is there really nothing you want to stay in Hong Kong? I guess anywhere is good and bad both. No matter what decision you make, I truly hope you are with your boy and husband together.
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i cant answer these questions because i simply dont know...i spent 3 weeks there recently and i see what i like, its not a bad city...but i dont want to live my life always wondering 'what it could have been like'. i might not be happy there either but at least i can say i tried.
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in fact we had an intention for my son to study in uk for his secondary education. im keener to go sooner, im 33 now, who wannts almost 40 year old PA......
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Yes, you are very right. We should not live our life always wondering "what it could have been like". I also had familiar experience. But now I am here & realise true happiness is in your heart. Sometimes it might not be a place or something. And I agree your son would have good secondary education in there. Talk to him again.
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Peet
17 yrs ago
I'm sorry to hear about your situation. That's a very difficult position that you are in. I may be in a similar situation in the future if my girlfriend (who is Asian) and I decide to marry. I realize that asking her to move to my home country might be asking a lot of her and that I may have to be the one to make the sacrifice when it comes to location. I can empathize with you, though. I do sometimes really miss my home country and I try to return at least once a year to satisfy that yearning.
I've talked to my girlfriend about this very subject and she has agreed to at least try living in my home country. But I also realize that there is a chance that she will not like the life there. Since I have had more experience living abroad, I feel that it would probably be easier for me to make the adjustment. We'll never know until we try, however (if it comes to that).
Has your husband had any experience living abroad? Perhaps this is partially cultural. As you know, Asian families tend to be much more close-knit as compared to many Western families, in which independence is often encouraged. Cultural influences can be quite strong. Would he easily be able to find employment in the UK?
You mentioned that you were raised for the latter part of your life in HK. Does your family still reside in HK or are they all in the UK now? It would certainly help if you had family in HK.
I guess that, like in any marriage, there are compromises that have to be made for the betterment of the entire family. Would you and your husband consider another city, such as London, as an option?
I'm sorry that I can't offer any better suggestions. I wish you all the best.
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I feel much like HKmama. I do not like it here for all the reasons she listed and to add:
Everything seems to be a struggle here - you cannot one single time call 1081 and have them get what you say for at least 4 times. You have to fight not get a million plastic bags at Wellcome. Cab drivers are rude and aggressive and I can't even think abt taking a mini bus here, they are just unsafe.
I don't want to live in the pollution anymore.
I'm leaving within a few weeks and cannot wait to get out. Have been here over 9 years and enough is enough.
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tidings and hkmama i totally agree with you especially about the people. i have been here for 7 yrs and i really do not like it at all. the people are sooo rude and ignorant and selfish as mama said plus i could add a lot more. this is one of the most greedy places on earth. and talk about living in a shoe box for an exhorborant amount of money and the landlords are complete...., who get black money and are(^&%$. yes i see this place as no good and can't wait to get a better life too.
as for wanting to live in england? well i can think of better options, especially concerning schooling, which really is no good there unless you have a bucket load of money. the local system (private? schools) sucks! however, i am mostly basing my knowledge on the quality of graduates which really is quite poor compared to the graduates from eg aust.
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hoyo, i cant do down that route of my hubby is better off here blah blah, im sick of hk and nothing can change the way i feel, so by making me stay here our relationship is gonna suffer anyway because im gonna resent him more and more, in fact because we have been together for so long anyway, i feel drifting away anyway. everywhere u have racist people, but they r very obvious here, they talk about u (i speak very good chinese), if they c an indian i have seen them whaft their nose as if to say 'u smell', uk may too have racist englsih people too but i never see it when im there and they take it seriously if it happens.
my boy looks mixed, neither chinese/englsih, but what does that matter? u say if he looks chinese his base is in Asia!!!???!!!! oh dear..... my son at the moment only speaks englsin, he does not like to speak cantonese, his friends are mostly non locals, he chooses his own friends and i would say he was more westernised for a liittle mixed boy, but that is besides the point.
i am coming from an angle, that i want him around my family, we r very close, we NEVER see his family in HK. i want him to grow up with manners and not become part of the arragant culture here, i want man things for him which i belief uk can offer him. so if i hang around until his secondary education well it will have to be otherwise i am going to be one veryh unhappy mummy, hk isnt the place for me long-term.
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saikunga, yes i guess i should have thought about that but when your young and in love (at the time), u dont think of such problems.
hoya, money is ok but we r not loaded by any means, so its hard for me to live in small place, in Sheung Shui, gosh i hate Sheung Shui, there are many things that my husband has done over the years to control me and i am beginning to see that now, so i suppose im not only homesick but im not in love with my husband anymore, well not the way we once were.....ultimately i have to make the decision and i would rather do it sooner than later. another thing my husband has always been in control of my bank account, he has alsways paid the bills and controls my account meaning he has my card, i never deal with al; that, i might add that im earning more than he is too. so go figure why im so pissed at everything.
in england where we live there is a big chinese community which i would encourage him to frequent to pick up his other origin, so to speak.
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is this money thing a hk way?
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NT's fantastic, but for you at 33 you definitely need to be able to hang out with, be with "your own" sometimes which can't be easy being in Sheung Shui. The farthest that expats inhabit here apart from old fogeys is Tai Po maybe. I don't blame you for wanting to go to UK.
You are right I think. Sooner rather than later.
Good luck.
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hoyo, he doesnt bully me no, he doewsnt let me see his friends, since i was 16 he has controlled me this way in the sense of looking after MY money, buying bonds etc. wihtout telling me anything. i want to go home because i belong there and not here, i suppose his controlings does give some levy to go too, i want to be confident again and in control. not have to depend on him all the time for 16 years now, yikes. he wont even let us move anywhere so where does that leave me ey......totally sucks, so yes i agree i will move soon ie next year in the summer so my son can start in a new school there. i am so loneyl here its unbeleivable.
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all i know is that he will want a divorce and boy what it that gonna do to us in terms of financials, we are still paying a mortgage, have money in investments, which is did without telling me, even didnt ask me if he could set up his own businnes before and put OUR money into it, now i am seeing what a fool i have been all these years. so......thanks for your replies btw.
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given what she has said above in all her posts, some hard to read and understand and somewhat incoherent, including yours island dweller, i think she has a damn good right to get the hell out of this hell hole, and good riddance to her controlling, ignorant, BAD husband. Gees, you think her parents would have done something at the start of her down hill, bad choice, rotten relationship. please get out of here and reclaim your life. Look back on this episode and basically say what a fool i was and move on real quick. i also agree what you say about the people here and why your child does not waant to learn this horrible language (cantonese). also 'yes' the people here are the most racist i have ever encountered, and they blatently do it in front of you. The laws here suck too. One for them and one for us. Always in their favour and the way that they gang up on westerners or anyone different to them is disgusting......grrrrrrr
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wow what i have started here LOL, well i dont think im gonna get thrown out of any windows, yes our son will be affected in all of this BUT i am a person too and not a hostage. SO, to this end I am treading carefully until i can go. Getting more money behind me, remember how i said he has bee contgrolling my money and account? well im going to open a new bank a/c soon and get my salary transferred there and work from there. i wll just give him half of what he needs to pay the bills. but im out of here sooner rather than later......
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eyai
17 yrs ago
hkmama, I completely agree with your concern about your son's education. Hongkong is a bad place to raise kids, what with the education system and the pollution etc. I don't know how to help you at all, but I think at least you need to just keep talking and talking it over with your friends who are [i]not[/i] also friends of your husband.
ps, if your son is 7, you need to take some decisions real soon.
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thanks eyai, i mean i have so many concerns about my son's education and quality of live as for my own. i dont do well in crowds and i think that im gonna eventually become housebound and there IS NOTHING To do with kids here. if i stay its for the wrong reasons and i will hate my husband more and more, so i am going back and im looking for soon, getting my head around my personal affairs first. thanks
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I think this is more of a personal thing, not something you have thought about with you sons best interests at heart. You don't like it and to be honest being stuck up in Sheung Shui I can imagine why. In regard to financial situation you see the same people here saying he's a bad person but I know 3 couples where the woman does the same thing, but of course they are great women hey!
In regard to your son, how do you think he will feel with then upheaval? Have you thought about some of the problems he may face at school in England, especially being "different"? Portsmouth does have a reputation as being a dump along the south coast and it's rough areas are full of half brained racists. I'd think twice about decamping there.
One other thing you need to think about is you will need your husbands consent to take your son away from HK. HK, through China, is bound by the Hague Convention as is the UK. If you run with your son then in International Law he could be returned to his place of habitual residence (HK) and it will then be down to the courts of HK what will be done. That decision is one you cannot make on your own.
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Hello! hkmama. I'm local girl. I'm very sorry for your situation now. But I have some problem about your marriage. 1) How long have you married? 2) Did you never meet your husband's fmaily and his firends? 3) Are you still living in Sheung Shui?
Maybe you feel strange why do I ask this questions. Because it's very strange for me you never meet your husband's family and his friends, sounds verys secret. And Sheung Shui that is not a good location for you as too local... I have foreigner bf, I understand the foreigner living habit. Maybe you feel uncomfortable when you live there especailly there is not many forgeigner or westerner community. You feel isolated. Right? If you still want to save your marriage, you could move to other place such as Goldcoast, cheaper rent and bigger apartment. I think there is more westerner or westerner community. You can know more friends and there has fresh air and more sport facility. And, I also agree with hoyo's view. Your son is mix, I heard lots of mix who confused their idenitiy. Even they speak english well, western thinking or habit. But when they go back to orgin country, for example your case, British think your son is chinsee, not like them are white people. If your son look like more westerner such as blond hair or blue eyes, he has better treatment in UK school.
Finally, if your husband doesn't change a little bit for, leave him and restart your life. But, pls TAKE YOUR MONEY BACK FIRST (maybe secretly), don't let your husband to control your bank account. I'm afraid he will transfer your money to his account, I know lots of bad husband transfer all the money from their wife's saving account and property rigth to his name or re-finace the existing mortagaed property. Be careful!!
(hkmam, have you ever been to NY? There is lots of rude and uneducated people too!)
Wish you all the best!
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How about if you simply left HK and made a life for yourself on your own? That way your husband and sone are not uprooted, you get your freedom to make a new life - who knows, you might even like the UK? I know I would never live there unless under extreme duress - and my wife is of the same opinion - and only stay there as long as it took me to find another country to live in. But I would certainly not drag my wife to join me in a country she hated, nor would I want to force my children to live apart from one of their parents. In your situation, you feel so bad about things that you have chosen to go down that path, even if it causes greater distress - to others, perhaps, but you have thought that one through I am sure.
Your best first choice is not to run away - you will find that you merely exchange one place for another, and your problems stay the same. Find out the real source of your unhappiness (and it is unlikely to be the obvious sources!) and deal wioth them - perhaps mediation, perhaps NLP or similar approaches. Once you have defined the situation and how you want to deal with it - act. Whather that action is to leave for the UK or stay here or some third action, so be it. But to act now would be wrong.
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How about giving the son a chance for a great new life and broader life by living in the UK?
He may be able to avoid further lung damage and might even get a better education by having become a travelled young man.
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gwern
17 yrs ago
I really find it sad that you are so unhappy here in HK. I love the place. I have spent many years here with my family. Working,(playing) and living. I can understand your frustrations. I am not on an expat package but I am European. I love the bustle, crazy taxi drivers, street markets, smells, rain..... I know it can get overwhelming sometimes and being such a small place that you do need to try and get away from time to time. Can I just say though that the UK is not as sweet as it seems. It can be a very scary place. There are nutters out looking for trouble. People just seem so angry and aggressive. I love visiting it and have many happy times there but really look into it before you make the move. Being a single mum is very hard without a family support but even as a couple it's really tough to get out and do things. Nothing will convince you to be happy here but think carefully before you make the move
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cd
17 yrs ago
Personally I can't see why anyone would want to move back to the UK, much prefer HK. Anyways, agree with the others that it sounds more than just the place. At least if you go back to the UK you will have family to help you. Its seems that the cultural differences between you are too great, and to be honest your husband sounds very selfish. He has expected you to leave your family and home to be with him, but will not do the same for you. You need to start putting yourself first, as to your son. Take him with you, kids are very adaptable at that age, and he is half British, so maybe now is a good time for him to learn about the other cultural side of himself.
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"You need to start putting yourself first, as to your son. Take him with you, kids are very adaptable at that age, and he is half British, so maybe now is a good time for him to learn about the other cultural side of himself."
There are a few things wrong with this statement. Actually the first part is true, she is putting herself first. But she is not thinking of her son. She cannot just take him with her without the consent of her husband or the courts whatever anyone thinks on here.
Now think of the son, adaptable at that age - yes - but to a point. He may never recover losing his father just like that. He may never be himself again after the move. This is more than just some woman bored with her life this will affect the life of a 7 year old boy.
This woman really needs to go and talk to someone and fast before she ruins more lives than just her own. And as JC mentioned above a 3 week holiday is a damn site different to living back in a place she hasn't lived for 17 years.
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i would like to end this discussion now, some of you have been very helpful and i thank you for that, some of you have been damn right rude! However the truth of the matter is i am still finding out things that hubby has done so its no longer a matter of me wanting to go home. I wish now to leave it at that, delete this thread, watever but leave it alone now!!!
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