Forgive BF or not??



ORIGINAL POST
Posted by disapptedinlove 17 yrs ago
My BF and I have been together for 6 months and we did not have an easy start because he had just ended a 5 yr relationship with his ex. Maybe I was like a catalyst which spurred him to end it.


In any case, recently I found out in his credit card statement that he had sent a bouquet of flowers to her on their supposed anniversary. Obviously I was flying into a rage and stuff. He tried explaining to me that there was nothing going on between them and that he was just feeling sentimental and the flowers were just for their times together, He says that they are just friends now.


I think I will come across stupid. But my gut instincts tells me that there is really nothing between them, apart from the fact that they work in the same company, alas different places. Thank God for that. But I feel that he does still has feelings for her, maybe cos they spent a gd couple of years together. I do feel like his ex still pines for him. So it made me mad to thk that even if he didnt mean to mislead her, he was giving her wrong signals. Was I wrong to be mad at him? Is his actions forgivable? Should I forgive him?


Right now, I'm refusing to see him nor talk to him. We contact only via sms. He tells me that he loves me and he never wish to do anything to hurt me. Still...I feel very badly hurt by his actions. And I am not sure that I can ever forget about this matter. But I do love him very much and wish I knew the right thing to do now. Need ur advice.


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COMMENTS
RachRobin 17 yrs ago
Dear Disappointed,

I've been in a very similar situation, but at the time it was my BF receiving flowers from his ex. I too felt there was more to it, a connection that shouldn't still be there, a secret pining. At the time, the ex lived in another country, but that didn't make much difference to how upset I felt. I suspect he sent her flowers at some stage of our early relationship as well.


I truly feel you should trust your gut instinct, although try to wait until you are calm (so you are sure that's what you are really feeling). Maybe try to accept the fact he was in love with someone else before you and there are still feelings of good will and yes, sentimental feelings too. The fact is, it wasn't right because he is with you now, not her. It would be different if they were in constant contact, phone calls, emails etc.

Maybe your BF just has what we are all looking for - a big heart, and yes, that extends to an ex love. It shows he is a good person, rather than having exes who hate him because he treated them badly. (We all have one of those in the closet somewhere!).


I'm not going to tell you what to do, but if you give him a chance (and also help him understand how it all makes you feel) you may just end up with a great relationship. By the way, my BF is now my husband and life has never been sweeter! Sometimes it's worth the risk of getting hurt - it may never happen!

Good luck, Rach

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naimakiddo 17 yrs ago
She's in the box called history now. He might have some feelings for her or something but then again, he stays with you. So try to calm down and be reasonable about this.

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disapptedinlove 17 yrs ago
Thank you for your replies. Yes, I do think that if I should perhaps try and look beyond the flowers and stay rational.


To jwm> I was not snooping arnd with BF's stuffs. I do trust BF and I've never snooped arnd with his stuffs. I only came across his statements because I was clearing up his room. The signicance of sending the flowers, I do know it was for a certain cause. While I dun wanna pretend I'm all magnanimous and all, I agree with you that I should have more trust in my BF than that.

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monkeybusiness 17 yrs ago
there is a lesson here for everyone!! Never let your girlfriend tidy up your apartment!!

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naimakiddo 17 yrs ago
I think the appropriate one would be make sure the evidences are all well-hidden, or better yet, throw all of it!

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sadsadgal 17 yrs ago
Hi, I'm facing a very similar situation. My boyfriend had a long time gf and her things are still very much in his house!


They are still keeping in touch all the while and I suspect my boyfriend has feelings for her. :( I want to ask him to cancel the supp card he hadapplied for her last time and also to courier her things back to her.


Good move? Bad move?

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car_lover 17 yrs ago
Dissapointed - Are u sure he is sending the flower to his ex cos of his anniversary? Cos if it is, than u have to tell him to stop doing so...cos its her ex and not current gf and wat the heck with anniversary??? They are no longer together.


SSG - if ur bf have already broken off with his ex, why still supp her card? I mean keeping her things is ok bt still giving her the supp. card? hmmm...I think it's a gd move for u to make it clear to him that he is with u now.

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sadsadgal 17 yrs ago
Hi, the supp card was given to her some time back when they were still together. Anyways, I made him tell her that he was going to cancel the card. Reluctant as he was, he did. Now I feel everything for us will go downhill cos he will resent me for that. :(

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naimakiddo 17 yrs ago
Was the charges made by his ex gf was paid by him? Does she need help or does she has financial problems?

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car_lover 17 yrs ago
IF he can resent u for that, than i think it's time for u to move on n dump him cos his heart is still with his ex. Cos if his ex is his friend, she shld understand why he has to do that cos he already has a gf, wld she like it if he supp to his ex, i think not! So it shows ur bf might still hv feelings for his ex.

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yui 17 yrs ago
Hmm..i was in a similar situation like disappointed in love 3 years ago.. I am also from Singapore having a hongkong boyfriend. Well what i did was let him have a taste of what he is doing. I had knew he contacted his ex gal so i told him will give him time to settle his problem. I guess he does not know or was confused to settle. What i did was to settle for him. I help him to message the ex telling her his galfriend (me) is not happy her contacting my boyfriend and assure her he has brought me see his parents. This should be heartbreaking enough for her to give up. Of course to tell her nicely. let her die heart. UNLESS your boyfriend still behaves caring towards her..else there's no way she will not die heart.If he still cares for her....c'mon..you are just a substitute for him trying to forget his ex. Dump him and move on.!

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disapptedinlove 17 yrs ago
I cant believe im back posting on this. It has been 2-3 months since the incident and I did forgive BF for his folly. He is also no longer in contact with his ex. However, the problem very much lies with me. As much as I push this incident out of my mind, I still feel the hurt and betrayal, just like it happened yesterday. And honestly, whenever we argue (which could start innocently from a joke), I would feel angry and resentful, all the hurt he has inflicted on me, just comes back to me. TV scenes of a guy buying a gal flowers pisses me off too. :(


I do love BF and want to make things work. But this resentment is really getting to me. I want to forgive and forget...but apparently, I don't know how to. Now, I just dunno how to be happy being with BF in the LT without being reminded of how he so thoughtlessly hurt me...


How do I put this all away and really learn to forgive BF?

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