Dazed and Confused

After almost 5 years of marriage, my wife wakes up one morning and just loses it saying that she is not happy in the marriage. Apparently, I don't do enough to help out. When she is home, she takes over and does everything her way. She always blames everything that goes wrong on me or someone else and you cannot give any criticism or she gets extremely defensive and hostile. She is making herself sick. I honestly think that she is under a lot of stress from work and finances (she always wants to have her own finances and be independent). I do my best to help, but I also work long days. I've suggested counseling, but she days she doesn't need it. I think that I am her only outlet for the frustrations. I am not perfect, but I'm not the root of all evil either. The other day she blamed me because she missed a bus and that I hadn't gotten her the schedule a week ago when she mentioned it??????... so it was my fault and she was really mad at me. Anyway, I am rambling. I know that she is a good person down deep, but I am afraid that she needs some help and I am the last person that she wants to accept that help from. What to do?... Split up. Divorce, Seek Pro Help?????

I disagree with Bhudda whatsit. It doesn't sound that they are no longer in love, there's nothing in the post to suggest it. If HE didn't love her anymore, why would he bother with this post and seeking counselling??

Frankly the "cut her loose if she's not happy" attitude works with a two-week date. This is his WIFE of five years, come on.

rkwarr, I think you're going in the right direction with counselling and trying to talk, sounds like your wife is really under pressure (whatever it is), and acting unreasonably as a result.

I am someone's wife, too, and sometimes i get very frustrated with him, i feel like I'm about to explode and blame him for everything, all for no good reason... basically because he cannot read my mind, and I'm lying in bed thinking "how come he doesn't KNOW how I feel? How come he doesn't realise this or that". Eventually, i calm down and realise I didn't say anything to him, how is he supposed to just KNOW?

Maybe your wife is the same.

Maybe both your jobs are too demanding and you haven't found time to be together and relax. Perhaps you can start with that, and then you can mention the counselling again. Cook dinner together (or order it, actually, if you can't do anything right in her eyes at the moment, you may start arguing about how to slice a tomato) and discuss the tensions you've felt were poisoning your relationship lately. They MUST be dealt with.

Discuss, analyse and TALK. Even is she doen't want couselling, she must realise that you need to talk out BOTH your frustration: she's fed up with you for whatever, and you don't understand why you keep having your head bitten off.

Perhaps start with asking how work is instead of asking what it is you've done (avoid attracting attention to yourself when discussing her aggressivity). You may find out about this pressure she's under, and it will take her mind off your "faults" to start with. Then you can move on to the tensions between you, AND HOW TO EASE THEM. Finding solutions, rather than venting your frustrations, must be your objective. It may mean wroking more reasonable hours, though, are you both prepared to do that? Can you do that?


I hope things work out. Divorce is sad and leaves scars, it's silly to divorce because you couldn't talk. I did, and I still feel like a failure about it, even now that I am remarried and happy. Marriage is about commitment, and you seem committed to making it work. That's good.


Just a minor note: you need to rethink your household position: there should be no such notion of your "helping" around the house. What's this about "helping"??? Are you a guest, or a member of the household?

Get real about that. You're not "helping". You're BOTH doing the daily things that need to be taken care of in a house, that's all.

Hope this helps.

Elodie is right. As a woman, I feel sometimes that we demand our men some how work out what our real problems are and try to fix them.


Incidentally, I'm not like that at all. Can't shut me up for all the things I want to communicate to my man.


Anyway, point is, communication is very important. Have you told your wife how you feel and that her behaviour is making you consider a divorce?

Thanks everyone... I am really impressed with the sincerity and depth at which all of you have responded. Obviously, situations are much more complicated than can be expressed in a blog of this sort. Things have calmed down and the advice is really appreciated. I will work as hard as I need to to make this better. I am confident that it will work, although it may take some time, patience and understanding on both parts..... I am sure it will be worth the effort.


Thanks again!