Posted by
selda
17 yrs ago
I met this guy on the Net, we emailed each other for a while, finally met and started a long-distance relationship -he comes to HK every other week on business but lives in Taiwan. At some point he disappeared, changed his email account, stopped taking my calls. No explanation given. I was devastated, as his disappearance made no sense, things were going great between us.
Recently i came across his profile on Facebook. I emailed him, got no reply, as expected, so i emailed one of the girls in his network trying to find out more about him.
It turns out she is his WIFE!
Now, what would you do? Inform her?
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I think you should look at the reasons why you want to inform her. Is it revenge because you're hurt over the way this guy treated you, or is it genuine concern about this poor woman who's being cheated on?
Perhaps you could try messaging him through facebook, and letting him know that you know he's married, and that you feel his wife should know about your 'relationship'. See what happens from there.
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selda
17 yrs ago
Well, i guess it's a bit of both. I don't know his wife, but she is very young, good-looking, i don't know if she has been cheated on before. but if i were in her shoes i'd rather know what kind of person i am living with. As a matter of fact, i was cheated on before, when i was still married, and when i was in a serious relationship. In both cases i found out by myself, after some "detective" work. My partner was driving me crazy, so at least at the end i found some explanation for his erratic behaviour, it wasn't ME, it was his juggling two women at the same time!
A cheater doesn't make a good partner, lies pile up and everything is eventually covered with this filthy film of lies. I'd rather know than pick my brain for months or years (and you end up doubting yourself, your sanity, instead of doubting him)
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If there are no kids involved you should tell her. He is obviously not a good person so give her a chance to dump him and start over with someone decent
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selda
17 yrs ago
So, you are suggesting that a cheater and a lier should get away with it?
You play by the rules, and you are bound to lose when somebody is cheating, be it at work, at card games, whatever.
By lying about his status he took away my right to choose whether or not to get involved in an adulterous relationship. I live by certain values, and sleeping with someone else's man is not something i condone.
As to his wife, who knows how many lies he told her in order to spend time to me.
She certainly deserves respect, and honesty. Did she get it from him?
If you can't be faithful, then why get married? This is the sort of man who wants it all, a wife at home, and a gf in another city. He looked for the affair, it didn't happen by chance, he was not drunk. Should we make more allowances for this 'poor man'?
Whatever happened to women solidarity? i feel much closer to her than to a cheater and a liar. Why should i play his game instead of sharing information with her? It's her call, she can then decide whether to keep him or give him the boot. The more i think about it, the more inclined i am to let her know.
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I just feel that the need to tell the wife comes from a sense of revenge for being hurt, and definately not from sister solidarity.
I think you need to be honest about your motives before you tell anyone anything.
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Well, just let go & move on!! It is a painful experience but try to look forward to the future. Tomorrow is another day and maybe you meet someone really nice very soon. Do not spend too much time to think what you would need to do next? Telling this to his wife it is not a big issue. Anyway his wife would find out everything sooner or later. You do not worry that. Obviously his wife is not a lucky one. And the point is you should forget the past and find your true happiness.
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The lesson to be studyied from your 'bad experience' Selda and this is not the first time for you,is to stay away from internet dating!
Real life is so much more interesting than the virtual world and all those ridiculous sites where half the world's dregs put up a profile and claim to have 500 friends they've never met but claim to be bff with.
Obviously the guy has a gal in every port how do you even know for sure that's his wife not someone wanting you to get off his case?
Look for other more proactive ways of meeting a guy is my suggestion.
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selda
17 yrs ago
Momo,
this is the same man i was talking about in June and July...the one who vanished without a word. Now, months later i have finally got an explanation for his bizarre behaviour.
As to being duped...of course there was no wedding ring, and he stated "single'in his profile. Am i supposed to doubt every single man i meet, or hire a private investigator? Please, get real.
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selda
17 yrs ago
Little Carmen,
i never considered hiring a private investigator, maybe the irony was lost on you.
I am not obsessing, i got over this man long time ago, i am just wondering what to do after the recent discovery of his married status.
I agree with 50k that this guy will probably 'strike' again, if his wife doesn't find out.
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KAT8
17 yrs ago
selda, if you are over him then why do you want to tell the wife? He duped you 4 months ago, he is out of your life, let it go.
He has probably striked again and probably will do again and again. Will you feel better after you tell the wife. How will you feel if she turns around and swears at you?
Nobody likes receiving bad news and I for one would be very careful in what you decide to do. You may think you are doing a good deed and telling the woman what a loser husband she has but you may also end up feeling worse if she becomes abusive towards you.
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Just forget this man. You are wasting your time. Women's solidarity? Oh come on, please. Do whatever you feel you need to but don't be surprised if the reply is at best NO REPLY, at worst "fu.k off and leave my husband alone you psycho". I'm serious, it ain't going to be all gratitude and sisterhood and you are only going to feel worse if you try to start up some contact with this woman.
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Selda it is sad and I feel for you but.....it's over.My point is that you go online and meet someone and well (raised eyebrows) it's not who you thought he/she was well (big shrug) that's called the anonymous factor of the internet!
Come on you are much better than this guy let it go.If he said he was single the wifey probably isn't his wife after all.It's all about a game and he probably has many profiles on these dumber than dumb websites.What is it with normal people becoming so hooked on some 'online' psycopath,megalomaniac,control freak,lunatical maniac player???'Go back and search various posts.
It screams for get out and get a real life and leave the internet behind.
You should walk away with your dignity intact and stop going into these sites.Learn from your mistakes and let him/it go it is too self destructive to contemplate.There are many great guys out there not this jerk.Love yourself a little more.Respect yourself a little more.
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I think you should write to his wife and let her know about his infidelity.
Then it's up to her to forgive him or kick him out of her life.
She might be grateful to you for telling her, or get mad at you for pricking the fantasy bubble of her marriage, but as long as you don't meet her in person, you are safe.
If I were his wife I'd rather know.
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Then it's up to her to forgive him or kick him out of her life.
She might be grateful to you for telling her, or get mad at you for pricking the fantasy bubble of her marriage, but as long as you don't meet her in person, you are safe.>
YEAH RIGHT... and what's in it for her may I ask?? Great advice.
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If his profile has him listed as 'single' and yet his wife is on his friends list, wouldn't she have something to say about his marital status. My boyfriend had listed himself as single for about 2 minutes, and I was already asking him what that was about. (He just hadn't filled that bit in yet) so, maybe the 'wife' isn't really the wife.
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selda
17 yrs ago
Pupalicious,
he was listed as 'single' on a dating website, NOT facebook.
The dating site in question is clearly for dating, not for keepingh in touch with friends and family!
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selda
17 yrs ago
it would be interesting to look at the gender of those who posted on this thread.
Among my friends, only women believe i should tell the wife.
I guess men dare the prospect of other woman and wife sharing info about them and calling their game a bluff.
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selda
17 yrs ago
typo, "men dread the prospect"
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get a grip selda...tell her, dont tell her. it really wont impact on your life from what i can tell.
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Actually it's not your business to 'tell the wife'.This is just self destructive and vengeful behaviour.
If you want to get over this unsavory situation then just let it go.The problem is you have't got closure so you feel you must get revenge of some sort.Imagination can be a powerful thing on ways to get him back.Just be careful and put it down to experience.That's the best revenge
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Yeah right 50KG bring out the pitchforks and the tar and feathers and go for the jugular.lol.
ANYONE who trolls dating websites or any other sites to 'meet people' well you're an adult (one hopes) so take the consequences.This is not a 'crime' this is a game of chance or Russian Roulette whichever the case may be.
I can just see his profile..goodlooking Taiwan businessman,single,in HK periodically looking for attractive companion whilst on business here.Yuk just a guess but then again I don't troll those sites.Wouldn't alarm bells start ringing?
That guy Selda was a rotten apple,so what,it happened get over it and move on.I stand by my advice about not telling the wife.It's none of your business,what is it with people and revenge.Hasn't anyone ever heard of karma and what goes around comes around?
What do you expect to happen if you tell the wife? How would you feel if some cyber deranged stalker contacted you and told you all this stuff well I for one as a woman would tell them to p*ss off.Let them work it out by themselves.You don't know this guy well enough and you don't know the wife,how do you know this is not going to backfire think of your safety and sanity.He obviously doesn't want anything to do with you anymore so let it be.Walk away with your dignity.
Take up kickboxing,enlarge his photo and use it as a dart board anything but let it go.Lots of nice guys out there not this sad desperado.
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it is interesting that there are so many proponents of cain-ism, as in "am I my brother's (or in the present case, sister's) keeper". If I were you Selda I would tell the wife as otherwise I would feel that I am a knowing party to the betrayal. The reason being, we all have to live by our own moral code and value system. I would not presume to judge for another person, i.e the wife here, or try to second guess her reaction and woudl rather do what is necessary to make peace w/ myself in my own light. As an aside Selda, I feel for you both for encountering a heartless cheat and for havign to endure patronising advices.
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Yeah right you're well up with the patronising 'advices' MA (should that be advice?)and 50KG I'm sure Selda would not do anything as reckless as having unprotected horizontal refreshment with the guy then again....
Well Selda you have had advice from both ends of the spectrum it's up to you what to do now.
All the best to you and hope you don't grieve too much.
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Well normal people would say walk away get over it! She hasn't known the guy for that long,he never promised her marriage just a little cavorting whilst he was in HK.
Do whatever you think needs to be done Selda any advice you get here you have already made up your mind what to do.Good luck in love and life.
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KAT8
17 yrs ago
50KG, i don't know where you come from, but cheating on a spouse is not worse than stealing. As far as I know (please correct me if I am wrong) but I have never heard of any people going to jail for adultery like they would if they were caught stealing.
Yeah, cheating is definately wrong but it is not a crime.
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Wow, I sense a lot of agression! I am not offering advice, merely sharing what I would do in a similar situation. I am not making assumptions about what should have set the alarm bells ringing w/ the benefit of hindsight. I am also not telling the OP to move on and get over the cheat because the OP hasn't said that she is pining for him or wants him back.
All I know from the thread is that someone treated another person extremely callously and betrayed a sacred trust in the process, making the person he hurt, i.e. the OP, an unknowing party to the betrayal of another. Whether it is right for the OP to tell the betrayed and let her have full informaiton to decided for herself or it is better for the OP to shrug her shoulders and walk away because it is none of her business and there is nothing in it for her, is for the OP to decide and yes, it will be a moral judgement she would need to make and live with.
And for the parties w/ a different view who are getting all het up, no one's talking about tarring & feathering here because the cyber equivalent of tarring & feathering would be OP posting a blog w/ details and sending a link to everyone on the cheat's FB network!
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selda
17 yrs ago
yes, i am also surprised by the mantra "move on and get over him".
I HAVE moved on, and certainly have no desire to establish contact with a liar. I had invested a lot in that relationship, couldn't sleep for a week after his mysterious disappearance, but that was three months ago. and whatever i shared with him...well, the memory is now tarnished by what i found out.
I have sent an email to his wife, but she replied in disbelief, suggesting i was talking about a different man and saying that her husband was sitting next to her and helping her to reply in English. Well, i assume that by now he has the password to her facebook profile, and must be intercepting all incoming mail.
She might not believe this, especially if he insists that i am delusional or talking about a different man who shares the same name, face, date of birth (!) but a slight doubt must be creeping in.
I did what i could, now it's up to her to keep her eyes open.
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Enough with the debate I guess. For future reference, do you feel a little better about it now? Would you recommend it?
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Selda honey you have to get it together.
That poor girl can't speak English? Haha so how can she put up a profile on FB? FB is also known as the f****wits Brigade in the Paris Hilton League,'Oh honey I have 500 friends oh they all want to know me'.You are looking for popularity and acceptance Selda here.
What have you achieved ?
The guy is replying for her maybe it's his sister/friend or rello and she can't understand English.Another way of telling you to go away.Well I think my original advice was wise,all you have achieved is stirring up a pile of dung.
.....and if you sleep with dogs or pigs you end up with fleas.
Just beware the weirdo doesn't set you up on FB or another site which if you read the newspapers has been done before to perfectly innocent victims and being perfectly anonymous of course nothing much you can do about it if you are bombarded by weirdos.
Come on Selda you are too good for this.Be proactive and delete all your profiles you CAN meet a nice guy outside without the net.I know I'm not being 'nice' but sometimes a slap in the face does wake people up to the real world.
What are your plans now??? You have established contact with the so called wife so are you going to be bbf sharing experiences with that her about the guy? The mind boggles.AND he's helping her to understand your e-mails? Lol that would be the running joke in all the Taiwan and HK bars.What if all HER friends start sending you e-mails.....gee shrug.....internet stalking.
Believe me,getting out with your dignity and self respect would have been the best option.You only spent three months with him not thirty years.
Hope he doesn't know where you work or YOUR friends on whatever mindless site you posted on well.....a woman scorned is one thing,but a man scorned???? Go figure.
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selda
17 yrs ago
Momo,
many wrong assumptions in your post.
The only facts are: the guy cheated on his wife, lied to me about his marital status, and then tried to cover his a** by spinning even more lies to his wife when she told him about the email she received from me. She might believe those lies, or she might keep her eyes open in the future. It's up to her. I only did what i believed in my heart to be the right thing to do.
My ex husband cheated on me, and even when i found some pretty hard evidence i refused to believe and gave him the benefit of the doubt. But when it happened again, i kicked him out of my life. It took me two years and two affairs to make that decision, but if i hadn't found out about the first affair, it would have taken me a lot longer. Some women might be happy with the status quo and tolerate a cheating husband, each situation is different, but it's their choice. Now this woman can make an informed choice in the future.
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selda
17 yrs ago
Momo,
you don't know how facebook works. You have privacy settings that allow ONLY your friends to see your profile, view your friends and email them. This man forgot to turn his settings on the privacy mode...a minor mistake but one that enabled me to find out more about him.
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selda
17 yrs ago
sorry this post was meant for another thread "Who pays the bills"
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have you decided on your course of action?
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"I HAVE moved on, and certainly have no desire to establish contact with a liar"
"I have sent an email to his wife"
"I found him on Facebook"
A contradiction certainly. Someone who has moved on would have no need for revenge. Firstly did you establish whether there were any children? I mean really establish? You may not know but you can be certain that if there are and his wife leaves him then you are responsible for them losing a father which is in no way deserved. You are an adult in an adult world, kids should never be subject to petty revenge.
What happened, happened. As I mentioned you are an adult and are responsible for your own actions. This is a pretty normal occurrence all over the world especially with the advent of the internet and it is a lie spun by many men and women for what is selfish reasons.
Get on and find someone more worthy of your attention, getting stuck thinking about how you can get back at this guy is overtaking your life and affecting all aspects. What he did was wrong, have no doubt - only you are the one who can now rise above this.
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And what if there are kids involved? You are thinking about it from a personal point of view, not from a child possibly losing their father point of view.
What he did was wrong and he deserves to suffer, full stop. But kids do not no matter how hurt someone is and if someone believe that's legitimate fall out well that is sick and you have no idea whatsoever how much harm you have done to a young life.
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It's simply not your place...not your business to ruin someone else's life only to justify yours...a cheating man deserves not even the slightest glance.. get over it before it gets completely over your life..get out of mating in the net...99.9% of that is exaggerated and edited..get about five lovers or so..that should keep you busy.. sorry that's just a joke..obssessive compulsive behaviours...require medical attention..
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Since Selda has stopped posting on this thread for five days or is it six one can only assume she has taken our advice about the internet and has been walking around the real world meeting a potential partner.
Good for you Selda,and hopefully you will meet one in the real not virtual world and that you will be happy!
Case closed and c'est la vie or as Ned Kelly said before he was hanged 'Such is life'.
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selda
17 yrs ago
As i said earlier, i have already done what i felt was the right thing to do.
I informed his wife, but due to a language barrier, the message was probably lost in translation (his). This man had the chance to come clear with his wife, but he didn't, instead he spun more lies to her.
As far as i can tell, there are no kids involved. Proud parents usually post pics of their children on Facebook, but there were no pictures of children.
I wonder why people are asking ME to think about the the wellbeing of their children and refrain from informing the wife.
I would think that is the cheater's responsability.
A married man who cheats knows perfectly well that his actions can destroy his marriage and affect his children. Did these considerations stop this man?
As to those who said "don't come between this man and his wife". Well, too late for that, he dragged me into his life, i would have never had a relationship with this man if i knew he was married. This vital piece of information was never disclosed by him!
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cd
17 yrs ago
Its all very well telling a close friend that you think their husband is cheating, its quite another telling a complete stranger out of revenge.
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"I wonder why people are asking ME to think about the the wellbeing of their children and refrain from informing the wife. I would think that is the cheater's responsability."
Because they are not to blame. Simple. And if you think that mentally scarring kids for what could be life is somehow "justified" then you are a sick person.
Trust me, this comes from experience after being stalked many years ago by someone who I had NEVER even been with. It helped kill my marriage. The toll it took on my kids was enormous. Do you know how hard it is to have a child go into panic attacks because your gone, then see them wired to an ECG machine in a hospital - at 6 years of age? Do you even know what it is like for them mentally 6 years later - oh yes it still has an effect now.
But you don't even know do you? You are basing everything on facebook - which, lets face it, is the dominant source of reliable and factual information! Not. You've ended up lowering yourself to the same level as a cheating jerk. But if you do cause a situation as happened to me above then you have lowered yourself even further.
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"How does she lower herself? I really dont understand this. He is a lying conniving SOB and he deserves to be punished for what he did. There must be consequences to actions in life."
Even being responsible for putting kids in hospital? That is a sick and twisted logic. Anyone who advocates that it is justified should be forcible sterilized as they have no idea what bringing kids up means.
He deserves the punishment, not any kids he may have. Why is that such a difficult logic for some people to understand?
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selda
17 yrs ago
as i said before, i have strong reasons to believe that there are no kids involved.
His wife's profile lists major events in her life, the date of her wedding, even the date they started dating! I would assume that if she had a child, she would at least mention it.
But this is not the point. If a man has children he knows perfectly well that cheating on his wife could cost him his family. He can't rely on the fact that she will never find out. So, this man didn't care about anybody, neither his wife nor me ( and all the other women he might have met before and after me)
All the men who are attacking me for informing his wife, i think you should stop finding excuses. If you cheat, take responsibility for your actions, you know that it can cost you your marriage. If you still go out and screw other women, don't fool yourself that your wife will never find out.
When you play with fire, you get burned. And if you worry about your children, keep it in your pants!
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See you are still talking about the MAN and not the KIDS, something you do still not know 100% for sure. Like hammering up against a brick wall!
Want to talk about excuses? Well for me as a man I have always kept it in my pants. But I do have one failed marriage behind me partly as a result of someone who couldn't have me but told my ex she did anyway. As I said kids still suffering now - so maybe I should revenge that like you all scream about, hmmmmmm how should I do it? Sure you can think of something suitably ugly.
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selda
17 yrs ago
Little Carmen,
so many wrong assumptions in your post.
First of all, the man in question isn't a businessman, he is European man who travels between HK and Taiwan because of work. He spends as much time here as he does in Taipei. And no, he wasn't looking for "company", i guess you can get that more easily in a Wanchai bar. He was looking for a relationship. And what i shared with him was a relationship, not a ONS. Just imagine ifyour bf disappears overnight, and then three months later you discover that he is actually married!
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Selda, I think your English isn't that great or something, because a businessman is a man who is in business... This includes men who travel for work.
Carmen didn't say that he was looking for a one night stand, she said he was looking for company. It's very very clear in your OP that the man in question was dating you, and not just sleeping with you, so I don't think that there's any confusion about the type of company the man wanted.
Selda, I think that what you need to do to help yourself get over this is to admit is that you were not trying to be nice to the wife, you just wanted revenge. The man had already stopped contacting you which I also take to mean that he felt guilty and didn't want to hurt his wife anymore. I feel as if this hurt your feelings and you wanted to lash out.
For you to get closure, I feel that you need to accept this as a bad lesson learnt and try to avoid men who travel a lot for business.
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selda
17 yrs ago
English is not my first language, but your experience of the world must be pretty limited if you thinlk that only businessmen travel for work.
Ever heard of doctors who run surgeries in two cities? Or engineers and architects who are working on two projects? Pilots? Ship captains, sailors, spies, detectives, writers, journalists etc??
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Forgive me if I'm being silly, but isn't being a ship's captain working in a business? In some countries such as Hong Kong for example, even being a doctor means you have to run a business. I'm interested to know what profession you feel classifies someone as being a 'businessman'.
However, that's not what's important here. What's important is helping you get through your petty mindedness and helping you to move on.
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'as I said before, i have strong reasons to believe that there are no kids involved.
His wife's profile lists major events in her life, the date of her wedding, even the date they started dating! I would assume that if she had a child, she would at least mention it.'
Selda you are stalking to get revenge! Invasion of privacy.You've spat the dummy now let it go.Good girl! I really feel sad for you.Next you will contact everyone on his wife's facebook and tell them what jerk her husband is.
Honestly get a life!
What the heck were you expecting from this LDR guy? Leave it alone. I can't believe that if he dumped you,you are still stalking him and his wife and reading her facebook
???
Who are you to play god or the police?
You are no close friend of the family,actually you are nobody,just some short term bonk.Get over it.
3 MONTHS on ALTERNATE weekends.Doesn't that tell you something?
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selda
17 yrs ago
Ok, now reading someone's profile on facebook is tantamount to stalking and invasion of privacy...gimme a break. You make it sound as if i was following them.
Let's not forget that this man vanished without even breaking up with me or providing an explanation. That's how much he respects women.
Call me old-fashioned, but that's no way to treat women. If you want to play, find a playmate. Or pay a hooker. Have sex, pay her and she will leave you alone. I have a lot more respect for muslims who have as many wives as they can support, than Christians who swear to God they will be monogamous and then cheat on their wives, because the other women they cheat with have no rights....according to some people on this board, not even the right to find out why their man disappeared.
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Come on, it doesn't take rocket science to see that the "lying", "CONNIVING" no less in the post is simply projection, how bitter? and it isn't good advice.
Do all the research you want Selda for your own information to get over it- at some point you'll just get bored with it. It's really a question of helping yourself now. Basically who cares what happens to this guy because he's no prize and it's not as if you and he might get together someday. IMO walk away now and leave him and his to it. If nothing don't be the one to give, 1. Him, the satisfaction of regarding you as a close scrape 2. His wife, once she's calmed down, the satisfaction of you helping him to see the error of his ways. Neither helps YOU. He's just a jerk you fell for who's a liar. But you know now. Enough.
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cd
17 yrs ago
To selda, actually I'm female, but I still think you were wrong to tell his wife, and told her for purely selfish reasons. You had a short part time relationship, he stopped contacting you, I suspect either his wife found out, he couldn't live with the guilt anymore or he was plain fed up with you. You're not the 1st person to be dumped without 'being told' by the guy. If he stops contacting you then that should have told you something.
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You have no business interfering in this woman's life Selda.
You don't know her,only what you have gathered from facebook.You are not a close friend or a family member,you don't live in the same city,she doesn't even speak English!ACTUALLY if her English is not so good how was she able to put up her profile on Facebook?
I'm very skeptical to say the least about meeting people on the internet or interacting with these websites that profess to 'connect people' it's more interesting being out in the real world for me.
There was a story not long ago about a teacher who was disliked by his students who put up a derogatory profile about him on myspace.As I said before,on the net you can do anything,be whoever you want check this out
http://video.msn.com/?mkt=en-us&brand=msnbc&tab=m5&rf=http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/11165576/&fg=&from=00&vid=fdbb0669-bc7b-43b6-898b-6e5d15486d9e&playlist=videoByTag:mk:us:vs:0:tag:Source_Nightly%20News:ns:MSNVideo_Top_Cat:ps:10:sd:-1:ind:1:ff:8A and here's another one http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6FahBBnfHAQ oh and this is one of the best ones http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dHi-ZcvFV_0
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