seems like there are more and more mixed couples these days and sometimes one party (or both parties) speaks very poor english (or chinese/french/tagalog/etc), don't you think it is kind of strange but apparently it works for some?!
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Sani
17 yrs ago
I have known people who at the beginning of a relationship spoke different languages but they managed just fine...afterall there is more than one way of communicating your thoughts;)
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I didn't understand how some couples don't understand each other fully (cos of language barrier) but still manage to have a relationship.
personally i would not be able to stand being the 'english teacher' in my relationship, especially when we fight! but some people manage just fine..maybe because they fight less cos they are not able to express so well?
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I agree that sometimes language barrier may problem in relationship, like the couples may not be able to express well what they think and what they want, sometimes they may even misunderstand each other. At the beginning stage usually they can tolerate well as their love (I dun want to say lust) is strong, after a while they are used to each other’s way of expressing so the language barrier is not a too big problem. Sometimes its funny seeing a hong kong girl yelling at a white meat (I do it sometimes also) but he doesn t understand anything. Does it avoid immediate argument also?
For example, my friend who is a local hong long girl who speaks very good English is going out with a French guy whose English is “not understandable” for me. He’s learning English and she’s learning French, they are getting along well and planning to marry next year. As for myself, I speak good English and my boyfriend is a dutch with ok English. We are living together now and I dun see any problem. (Although sometimes I wish he knew Chinese.)
But its true that if the level of language is too low for one party, then its hard for both of them to communicate, need to work hard on improving it, and the other side has to be patient enough.
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lol Hi-larious, that's the second time you made me laugh today!
I also had the same thought as OP. How can you really know someone when you can't understand what they're saying. What if you think they believe that capital pnunishment is absolutely terrible, because they used the wrong English words, but actually they think it's great, but they can't express themselves properly. Or something similar... you'd have an argument, but not really know what the problem is!
What about children. I'm a teacher, we had on kid who's dad was Italian, and mum was Mandarin Chinese... the kid didn't speak Italian nor Mandarin, just this awful English that was difficult for me to understand, and I have kids from all over the world in my class, so I'm used to lots and lots of accents! Can you imagine a Chinese English accent and an Italian English accent mixed together? Bizarre, I can tell you!
I firmly believe that there's no 'true' English anymore, even the 'Queen's English' is just a dialect. This one time a government minister or a lord or something called the place I was working in England, and I couldn't understand a bleeding thing he was saying. And he was a rich upper class English bloke! My point is, every English accent is as good as the other, but really, you need to be able to communicate at least!
Does anyone else know about the children of parents who can't speak either's native language having communication problems?
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>>kid who's dad was Italian, and mum was Mandarin Chinese... the kid didn't speak Italian nor Mandarin, just this awful English that was difficult for me to understand
This is terrible and the new trend. I see so many mixed couples (Chinese / European) etc, where the kids speak some sort of broken English and cannot speak any other language. Can only speak some broken English. I can't understand why the parents don't have a problem with disadvantaging their kids. Also I've seen a mixed child who spoke English in a Mainland accent but couldn't speak Mandarin or Cantonese.
>> Does anyone else know about the children of parents who can't speak eithers' native language having communication problems?
Growing up in Australia in a multi-cultural country, I've seen a few kids whose parents only spoke broken English to their kids. While the kids English improved because of school, the parents language simply didn't improve. Eventually the kids don't communicate with their parents because the parents can't speak more than a little broken English for basic communication and they cannot have deep meaningful conversations.
I'm feeling a little bit annoyed how so many parents insist English is the be all and end all of the world, and they are proud to teach broken English to their children, not realising that people are thinking wtf are you saying.
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mclam
17 yrs ago
the point is nobody enjoys being with someone LIKE A TEACHER, it's not due to lack of communication, it's more of the consequence out of boredom! sorry to be honest.
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eifu
17 yrs ago
I am not an English mother tounge, my husband is. We met at the university and my English was awful, but we managed. We have been together for 12 years (married for 7years). We speaks English because we started our relationship speaking it. Now I can quarrel in English as well as in Italian. At the beginning we had some problems with the language, because we have been apart for a while and we were communicating with letters. Anyway we managed to clear any misunderstanding. Love helps a lot!
Our child speaks only Italian with me and only English with my husband and Swiss German in the kindergarten. He speaks and understand all the 3 languages (well, yes, his German vocabulary is not very as good as the Italian and English ones). We have enquired about children growing up with 2 languages and the experts' suggestion was that each person should speak only one language with the child. Never mix up or the child will be confused. If he talks to me in any other language that is not Italian I just ask him to repeat the question in the right language and he does.
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From what I have seen with kids the bast thing to do is Mum speak to kids only in Mother tongue, Dad speak to kids only in Father tongue. How the parents talk to each other is not important. The kids don't mix them up very often and they are then strong in at least tow languages.
This reminds me of a joke.
Q. What do you call someone who speaks three languages?
A. Trilingual.
Q. What do you call someone who speaks two languages?
A. Bilingual.
Q. What do you call someone who speaks only one language?
A. English.
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I agree with Eifu, I am also in a mixed-culture marriage, and you need to speak in your native language to your children. Kids can pick up a third language at school (like Eifu's kids) from other kids and their teachers. It makes the teacher's job harder but with a little patience, it works, and kids learn really fast, especially if you pick up and correct every mistake you hear. That's how second generation immigrants in UK, France, US, etc... speak the local language fluently, while their parents still speak it very badly. It's different here, as expats didn't immigrate with the intention to become Hongkongers, or they'd send their kids to cantonese schools.
Going back to the original post, I also agree it's very strange how couples who don't understand eachother's language can marry etc. I think they both learn eachother's language (or at least one does) quite fast but it can be frustrating at times. I think in many cases it's the fascination with a different culture, the "honeymoon" period, and the "complete stranger" thing. I think one is more likely to forgive and accept, knowing there's a cultural and language barrier, than with someone of the same culture. But it can be difficult at times, i bear witness!
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Peet
17 yrs ago
In most of the cross cultural relationships I am familiar with, each person speaks the other's language. As is the case with most of my friends, I wouldn't dream of marrying without first learning my gf's language. Why? Because much of the culture is wrapped up in the language and without an understanding of one another's culture you're starting off with a weak foundation. In fact, most of the guys I know had a strong interest in their gf/wife's culture before dating or marrying and this is what brought them together in the first place. Learning her language was a natural progression and in many cases had already taken place before dating began. It seems that, if there isn't that interest in one another's culture, then the responsibility often falls on one person to adapt to the culture and language of the other, and this can sometimes lead to resentment over time. And from what I've seen, in these cases it's usually the non-English speaker in the couple that is expected to do all of the adapting. If each share in this responsibility, I think it makes it much easier for both and goes a long way toward understanding one another much better culturally. Why date or marry if you don't really understand your gf/spouse's culture and, more importantly, have little interest? (Other than out of an idle fascination over something new and different, that is)
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Peet is absolutely spot on!
I have a colleague at work - who is a dude, he's great - and his girlfriend speaks Spanish, and now so does he, at least a little. But the thing is, he didn't need to learn Spanish because she's American and speaks American too. I mean, I think that's going above and beyond, if you don't have to learn the language and you can communicate perfectly in a mutual language.
Like me and my boyfriend, he's bilingual and most of our relationship is conducted in English, even if I speak to him in Cantonese... but I think it shows a willingness to go the extra mile for a guy if you put in the effort to learn their language.
Like I said above, I don't know how anyone would want to be in a relationship with someone they can't understand. Surely then it must purely be a physical relationship, as you can't really know someone's mind and heart if you don't know what they're saying!
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"he's got this beautiful woman to enjoy in every sense and she appreciated his relative wealth and protection; I am sure they understood each other very well."
"Sometimes its funny seeing a hong kong girl yelling at a white meat (I do it sometimes also) "
When I see cross cultural couples in the street I always pay attention to how they communicate. Forget the case when one person speaks 'very little English', I am questioning the second statement above: why do Asian, women particularly, go out with 'foreign' men if communication(not just language) will be a problem in the long run? OK ABC, BBC, CBC, XBC I can understand, 'foreign' men are what they are exposed/used to anyway. But for women who really know nothing about the western world, or rather, anything outside of their own countries, why are they going after something that's not suitable for them?
OK it's really none of my business- I am just bitter.
As an XBC, I find it particularly annoying as people view me and my boyfriend as one of 'those'..oh well.
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90% of communication is non-verbal. It is body language including expressions and behaviours, and tone of voice. The words we use account for a very small part.
I have seen many local men unable to show any level of affection either in public, or among friends. I don't think they will be any different in private.
I have an American friend, who is in reality a bit of a cad. He is usually seeing at least three women at one time. He is not a great looker. But as he says 'women here (Shanghai) are starved of attention, give them some attention and they really respond'.
So if a guy is affectionate and can express his love non-verbally he is probably doing a hell of a lot more communicating than you realise.
My wife is Chinese, I am not. We are about the same age. I hold her hand when we go out. I put my arms around her and hug her in private. I think she feels very secure and loved. I make an effort to spend time with her. I don't raise my voice. I smile.
That is part of how we communicate.
I also tell her I love her several times a day, verbal I know but not hard in any language.
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