Posted by
Bmyself
17 yrs ago
I'm a mid-age woman living in Bangkok. I'm not bad looking, have a good job and have foreign education. Yet, I and my friends who are the same kind find it difficult to find the right guy. Thai people are not really open up to meet new people. Foreigners usually prefer to go out with bar girls whom they will have casual fling with. It puts women like me in a difficult situation. I wonder what I can do or where I can go to meet professional people. Is there a wayout?
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Hi Bmyself :-)
I'm sure there are some decent blokes in Bangkok. Perhaps they are found in International Schools. You'll stand a better chance in developed countries. Most expat blokes do like to fling. Last week I went out with a British bloke in his early 40's - he was all over me on the 1st date and want to kiss me and kept asking me to come to his apartment. 3 months ago, I dated a Norway 55 year old guy. Seemed very decent and well manner but on the 1st date he too ask for sex. I clearly told them that I'm not into causal sex and I didn't hear from them again. You'll find many of those men around. Very disappointing :-(
Anyway, wish you and your friend all the best in the quest for sincerce true love.
Cheers and keep smiling :-)
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Bmyself,
BKK is tough. I am in HK. I met my husband when I was in my early 30's - most women around me have given up hopes on meeting the right guy by then. He is a great guy - but I did have to meet a lot of scumbags before meeting Mr. Right. dont lose hope - your Mr. Right might be just around the corner.
HF
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Carmen is completely right um... I mean, correct! There is no Mr Right. Everyone wants the gorgeous guy with the six figure salary who can spend loads of time with us but is also independant, and has the wonderful personality and the great family and everything in common with us.
It's just never going to happen. Or maybe it does, but only in movies.
My guy is not perfect. He leaves used ear cleaning buds on the nearest surface. He passes wind with absolutely no shame. He has a four figure salary. However, if I'm feeling tired, he'll do the dishes for me, even if it's my turn, and it's been my turn for the last week (I hardly ever do the dishes...) and we have loads in common, he's really funny, and he cares about me.
Finding someone who makes you feel good is much more important than finding someone who matches into this Mr Right mould you've made.
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Perhaps the reason might be you haven't been looking hard enough or rather, you haven't taken the initiative and been proactive enough to find good men. Have you been asking men out on a continuous basis?
There are still some parts of the world where it's a stigma for women to ask men out. I think that is total B.S. as most men actually like it and would feel privileged over it.
With the women's liberation movement of the 1970's, one would think that with women wanting equal rights as men, then they should also be willing to take on equal RESPONSIBILITIES as men - one of which is taking the initiative to find a good soul mate by finding them, chasing them, and eventually proposing to them. I think it's very hypocritical of women who demand equal rights as men, but who also just sit around waiting for men to ask them out instead of taking on equal responsibility and asking men out too.
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I think that you need to bare in mind, Robbie, that women's lib didn't exactly come to Asia. My girl friends had a huge go at me for simply suggesting that my boyfriend should follow me to the other side of the world, leaving his family friends and job behind. When I pointed out that I'd already done this for 4 yrs for him, well of course that's expected of me cos I'm a girl. But a GUY can't follow a GIRL.
But you know, the culture is very different here. The empress dowager was often more influential than the emporer, especially in the case of the last emporer in China. And they also had female soldiers in their army, which wasn't allowed in western armies, and still isn't! (At least not allowed on the front line.)
Of course, OP should take the bull by the horns, and if she wants a man, to go out there and make the inititive. Men are not mind readers, and won't know that you like them unless you make it known to them and those around them. But we also need to be sensitive of the culture here. I'm not saying the culture is right, and doesn't need to be adapted for the modern world, I'm just saying that if she needs the softly softly approach, then that's up to her.
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mclam
17 yrs ago
be patient! hard to find because you are FINDING SOMEONE AS A TARGET, you'll know that is MR RIGHT when he comes up somewhere in time, no hurry and don't find. guys scared away when your face is sending a message that you are "desperate for a man".
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I tend to side with Paupalicious.
Decide what is actually important for you. Perhaps in Asia a guy who won't screw around is more important than the good looks and paycheck.
I understand that in Thailand there is a very good expat network based around golf and other sports/socail activities. Here you will find the long term expats.
You may not like golf etc, but you will get to know people and the women will know which men to avoid.
When I was single in the UK I belonged to a singles club. I made many friends. As someone else stated, you need to get out and meet people. If you don't feel comforatble asking men out, then don't. Bars and clubs are a waste of time, too many players of both sexes.
Another option is the internet. There are some people to be avoided, and you need to be careful, but you should be careful if you go out as well so what is the difference.
Many people now find thier partners on the internet. I know several people who have done this. Both back home and intercontinentally as well. I know at least two highly succesful Asian women execs who found happiness with a 'regular guy'. Who follow their wives where thier job takes them. They are happy to be second income earners, and want to be a homebody.
There is no Mr Perfect, but there are many Mr Suitables and several Mr Rights. You just need to evaluate what is suitable, and then learn to see these guys.
Ignore the comment above about leaving it too late. It is never too late.
Final thought. If what you are doing now is not working. Change what you are doing. If that doesn't work then change what your are doing, and if...... Well you get the idea.
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If you are living in Bangkok, then the sad fact is that you are in a buyers' market when it comes to relationships.
My suggestion would be to put some of your spare time into community work, maybe with a church or similar organisation. At least you have a chance then of meeting some men with a rounded view of life.
And I speak from the perspective of one of those single men who lived in Bangkok, and would never have thought at that time of having a relationship with a western woman. That was not what Iwas there for, sad to say.
I wish you well. Look for opportunities to give to others, and you will find that somebody will look for an opportunity to give to you.
Promise.
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I hear you. Oh, do I HEAR you. I think I have paid my dues in the MR WRONG department. Yet, Mr Right (or Mr Almost Right) isn't anywhere in the horizon. I don't think there's an expiry date, but all the same, I understand the feeling of frustration when you can't seem to find the right fit though you are smart, attractive and well-educated. Have seen a lot of men go for bar girls and ex-prostitutes, but I prefer to believe that they are in the market for those type of girls. Different demand pool, meaning it is of no loss to me. Neither should it be for you.
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Or you can think of it this way - Why are so many women attracted to Mr. Wrong? Think of yourself as one of those smart women who are not attracted to Mr. Wrong. Then be strong and break traditional Asian culture by going out there and finding Mr. Right.
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Mahimahi
The attraction of the prostitutes and bar-girls is that they go home afterwards.
As for guys seeing ex-prostitutes, some guys don't know (saps). The guys that do know are not looking for Miss Right, they want to play.
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aaq
17 yrs ago
For me, the situation is same. Can not find right guy or Mr. Suitable. I have lost hope on it. I tried to chase guys before, but according to my experience, they can not be chased up.
How could we attract the OK guys to chase? I have lowered my standard from Mr. Suitables to OK guys…
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aaq
17 yrs ago
Len,
I understood what you are talking. But in the end, you need somebody in your mind. And need miss somebody in you soul.
I am not completely aware of life’s meaning is (on my way to explore). But I like simple life, one love, good job, safe and relax life. Maybe one day, I may be tired of that love.
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Ed
17 yrs ago
Please note these are Advice Forums - not chat rooms. If threads move in the wrong direction we will delete them.
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To Pumpkin specifically (though anyone feel free to jump in!) If I'm a 34 yr old single woman considering moving to HK but also want to get married and have kids, is moving there a bad idea?!? Is it really harder for expat women to meet men there than other major cities? Say New York?
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it's cause mr right does not exist, except in your mind
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I think it's hard for western women to meet men in Hong Kong because it's so easy for western men to have a different girl every week here. I know my friends will date a white guy, even if he's hideous, just because he's white. They have brought some ugly men out with them for drinks with us, men who would never ever get a girl like my friends if they were in their own countries.
And I, as a white woman, don't get chatted up at all! I'm slightly plump, incredibly pale, people tell me I'm pretty but I don't get approached so I'm not sure. I do alright in my own country, but surrounded by all these slim exotic Chinese/Philipino girls, I 'spose those are the ones who get the guys.
I think that Mr Right is a bit of a misnoma (sp?). I think Mr Right should be called, Mr Right For Me. I mean, all women want an attractive guy, with a high paid job, brains, personality, sense of humour.... but not everything comes in one package. He might be drop dead gorgeous but have deadly body odour. I just mean that, if he ticks most of the boxes, then he's worth getting to know better. I know that my friends will judge a guy simply on the first impression. They've ignored men who only said 'hello' to them.
I think you need to get to know your Mr Right before you'll know that's who he is.
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why are women so obsessed with how much money a guy makes?
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Pupalicious:
When I read your last post several times, I was very confused.
The fact that western men can have a different girl in Hong Kong every week - what does that have to do western women meeting men in Hong Kong? How does that make it difficult for western women to meet men? If anything, shouldn't it make it easier?
After reading your message several times, I think I finally understand. Are you suggestiong that it is hard for western women to meet WHITE men in Hong Kong?
Repeating a post that I made a few times before, I think western women should be more aggressive in chasing Chinese men. With Chinese men losing so of their Chinese sisters to White men, I'm sure there are Chinese men who would like to get some retribution and redemption by having the same amount of dating and romantic success with White women too.
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I'd like to appologise for a confusing post, but my excuse is that after 7 hours of teaching little kiddies, my brain is pretty much useless.
To reitterate, I think that it's difficult for western women to meet men here at all, regardless of where the men are from.
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I don't think it is difficult at all for an ATTRACTIVE western woman to find more than willing Chinese suitors, at least not in Shanghai. Only thing is that western women MAY have to be more forward than usual. I stress MAY because I've seen a few Chinese men confident (ie rich) enough to approach western women.
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Western or not, I think its hard to find Mr Right, or Mr Almost Right. Sure plenty of willing guys out there wanting to wine and dine you, but all lack substance. They have great careers, are highly successful and socially well adjusted, but nothing beneath the surface. Its hard to find a good and loyal guy (who does not swoon at the sight of a roomful of beauties or so shallow you can walk on) to whom you are attracted to. In fact I don't think they exist anymore.
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There are same problem for Chinese woman, for those who expect serious relationship, expect the right one who have chemistry between them.
Don't loose yourself...keep your heart for love. :)
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Mr. Right is so hard to find because of economic conditions, career paths chosen, laws that prohibit having more than one wife and cultural taboos and women not willing to share or settle for reasons of having too high of expatations.
Why men cheat? Men like to have a variety of women. Men like to think they are powerful and can has many women.
Sex is wonderful with the right person, but it does get boring after a time. A new sexual ralationship keeps the sex HOT and thrilling.
Then again the thought of getting caught is thrilling too. And not getting caught is a feeling of power over women.
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