Posted by
yyly
17 yrs ago
I was involved with this guy who has gf and they are living together...(since Oct., I know I shall never let it happen in the first place, but he said there is prob. in his relationship). I like him very much, one out of 16million, there is a reason I believe.
He was excited about me also, saying that I give him a different experience he never had before. Well now he is cooling off (less email, less passion, butterfly is resting...) We are not seeing each other at all now except phonecalls, I won't because my conscience told me this is not right. Last talk about this was: he said he need to sort it out soon, he wants to be responsible, to others and himself as well.
I am troubled, not sure if this is just one of the tricks those guys are playing or if he is seriously having problem and want a solution. Maybe I shall cut it off untill he figure out what he wants. But I am so afraid to lose him, the worst scenario...
What shall I do? I am sure he is a nice person and I knew him for a while before this happend. The feeling is so insecure, I hate seeing him cheating his gf and I want a proper relationship. I know also that there are plenty nice guys out there but this one makes me delighted.
Any advice? I am trying now to focus on the work since I just started a new job, however he comes to my mind all the time, and the tough thing is it is an one-way traffic, only he contacts me, I can not since I dont know if he is with gf...you know what I mean?
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yyly
17 yrs ago
Thank you Joe,
I know you are right, I know it is totally wrong. At same time I know also he is a good person, this never happend to him before, I trust him, we talked about it openly. If there was no prob this would never be a concern to him, and me. Just the fact that if he is willing to confront it and work on it. Somebody will get hurt in the end.
It has been many years since my ex-relationship broke up which was a disaster and bad enough that I do not want to try another one again, until he showed up, it is such a nice feeling being in love again, perfect match from many perspective. Thats why I am so nervous about losing it since I know Mr. Right is not at everywhere. In fact I wish he is just one of those kinds then things would be easier.
It is already happening that our contact is getting less. All I concerned is wether he would tell the gf or stay where he is. I will not see him if he goes back to the gf thats for sure. I am so afraid to see it happen so I havent told him yet not to contact me again... though I said 'if you dont make a move you will never hear from me again', then he said 'then I will not let you go'. what does that mean? Does he want me to stay as a 'friend'? because I simly will not be a 'mistress'. Shall I give him some time? shall I set a 'deadline'?
Gosh!
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Do you really want a guy who is so maladjusted that he can't break up with a girl he tells you he has problems with so that he can be with you?
What if later on, he decides that he doesn't like you, and then starts cheating on you? This guy does not have a good coping strategy for getting out of relationships.
He has met a new girl, he could dump his girlfriend if he wanted to, but he hasn't. Doesn't that say enough to you?
And how can you call a guy who cheats on his girlfriend 'nice'? If you can accept his behaviour before you are a faithful couple, what is there to stop him from cheating on you?
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Furor
17 yrs ago
Apart from what has been said already, I would like to add...
Are you really willing to let yourself go through the torture and drive yourself insane just thinking about all those nights you will be along and he will be at home with his so called "cant get along with girlfriend"?
Find someone single and will cherish and love you for who you are.
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Dear yyly :-)
Deep down within you already know the answer. You're emotionally involved in the situation and feeling confused. He's not right for you and he's detaching himself from you. Thus, move on and forget him; be HAPPY and SMILE. HE'S NOT WORTH IT !
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"I trust him" !!!!
It's possible his girlfriend says the same. But he's proven himself to be completely untrustworthy if he can so easily live a lie with his current gf.
"But I am so afraid to lose him,"
He's not exactly yours to lose now is he.
He sounds like he has a lot of growing up to do. You can play mama while he does this, but then it's unlikely he will want his 'mama' as a lover. Or you can leave him to grow up on his own. If he sees you are the one for him, he will break with the current gf and seek an adult realtionship with you.
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RossM
17 yrs ago
"What shall I do? I am sure he is a nice person and I knew him for a while before this happend. The feeling is so insecure, I hate seeing him cheating his gf and I want a proper relationship. I know also that there are plenty nice guys out there but this one makes me delighted."
Umm.. he's NOT a nice person because he's cheating on his girlfriend with you!
There are plenty of available males out there with hooking up with a cheater, who will most likely cheat on you too if he had the opportunity.
Get smart and find yourself a bloke that isn't a dog.
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yyly
17 yrs ago
So all you guys suggest me to let it go, instead of giving him time and space to sort out his problem? we are not seeing each other at all now, his phonecall is getting less, email is disappearing, I think he wants space and time, he said once that 'I dont call you does not mean I am not thinking about you'. and 'maybe you shall let me sort things out first (I was asking if he is working on it), when I go back to you but you are not there then you are not there'.
Shall I actually think he is slowly detaching from me indeed, but using the 'time and space' as an excuse? Again I am worried to know that is the truth. He had the 'taste' of cheating, now going back to gf... I just can not see the real picture. Being a person knew him for couple of years before we were involved recently, I hardly believe this is what he really is.
Surely all above make sense, I hate the thoughts of him being with gf everyday, I am always in the second line, passively answer phones when he calls, without knowing at all what he is up to everyday, I am just not in his life at all...
I really miss the sweet part of this, he intrigued it now leave me in pain... Does actually FAITH work???
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yyly
17 yrs ago
Also, he mentioned he finished the 1st relationship after 10 years' being together, which was supposed to be much earlier when he realized the prob. This time it seems happening again, he does not want to make same mistake. --- does that mean he is learning from the past now that he sees the problem?
He is now 36, gf is 27. does it mean anything? He said there are many factors to be considered, he wants to be responsible, for her, for himself too. He is an expatriate living/working in Shanghai, gf is from same country. I am Chinese. So the fact of him eventually going back looks possible...
Errrrrrrrrr.
I really wish somebody can see this whole thing for me, clearly. I am so blind now.
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You are blind? Take out the eye wash solution please.
It's clear he has no idea how to keep a stable relationship, and you are his puppet. It's amazing girls like you just don't have a grip on reality. But sometimes, people have to learn the hard way.
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So, let me get this straight: you're not seeing eachother anymore, he is "thinking" (whatever that means) and you're supposed to wait!
Very funny. Does it sound to anyone like he's too cowardly to leave long time gf and playing emotional blackmail to prevent the girl from meeting knew guys???
"I can't leave her yet, but I'm a good guy, see, I'm not cheating on her with you anymore, but I love you so wait for me, i'll be a good boy if you wait for me"
Does he put on a baby voice when he says that???
HELLOOOOOO! The guy's a joke!! Like most "baby" guys, though, he wants to be loved and for that he has to be the good guy, so he acts like he feels bad about cheating.
Claire is right: he needs to grow up. Problem is, if he isn't grown up by the age of 37, he never will. He has been in a relationship for 10 years, but he hasn't built anything (he should be married with kids by now and at his age).
Don't wait by the phone, and find someone else. Simple as that!
He doesn't even deserve the gf of 10 years.
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leg7
17 yrs ago
Yyly -you said that his phonecall is getting less, email is disappearing...I just can't understand why you don't get his message. People already gave you enough advice. It's your turn to take an action. Get rid of him and move on with your life. man like him is not worth it. He's just a cheater. You already made a big mistake to get involved in this relationship, don't make the same mistake again... don't waste your time on this man.
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Yyly
I think you both had some fun, but he really wants to be with his gf. I know he says there are problems. There are always problems in any relationship, that is why you have to work at them (as we say in the west).
If he is wanting to leave a long term gf, then you will only be a stepping stone (a healing relationship).
Grow up, move on, and grow stronger.
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yyly
17 yrs ago
Hi all,
I know you guys are making great sense seeing the picture in my shoes. Just hard and hate to think he was playing a trick triggered me into this. Hurtful to believe so.
What can I do, I am not stupid to feel its not going anywhere. Why people have to learn this hard way. I am trying to focus on the new job, meet new people, try to be busy with other things, but it just constantly come to my mind.
What if he comes back to me, broken-up already, I dont even know how would I behave since it is hurting me already. Well, at same time you guys would think how stupid I am asking such question, shice he is not leaving the gf and will never come back...
We are not meeting up at all, very very few calls, no email since long...Isnt it a sigh? I am not super 'excited' about the idea of hearing from him...does that mean he is slowly going out of my life?...
Selfish as he is, coward behavior also not taking the responsibility of her, himself and the relationship...you are right, how can I accept him even he is coming back one day...
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leg7
17 yrs ago
Life is all about learning and experiencing things. Some are good and some are not so don't get so disappointed about this experience. There's a road ahead with full of opportunities, it's upto you to decide.
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you got to admit that you had involved yourself with a man already commited to another person.How can you trust that man?and how can you trust yourself?
Leave the man to his gf,and search a single guy for yourself.
its hard but you got to do it,you cant snatch away someone's love and happiness.
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I hope my story can make things clearer for you. I would have thought you were writing abt me if it wasnt indicated you were based in Shanghai.
My BF and I met under that of circumstances. Me, being The Other Woman. Like you, I was hurt by an exBF emotionally and for a long while, I couldn't bring myself to get involved emotionally. Until I met him. Funnily enough, I shouldn't fall for him because he was attached to his GF for 4 plus years.
We started out just hanging out and having a good time together, enjoying each other company. BUT, things got complicated, feelings got involved...honestly, like you, I wanted a proper relationship and I also hated to see him cheating on his GF. Eventually I wanted out. It was then when he "made" a choice. He "broke up" with his GF and we got together. (Eventually, long after I realised he DID NOT break off with his gf when he wanted me back the first time, he only told her he wanted cooling off time.)
But happily ever after? No. It was then I found him getting more distant from me emotionally as well as physically. He seemed aloof, like he was unsure abt his decision. My nightmare started then. He wanted "time alone" to "sort out his feelings". I gave him space. It was during this time, he shuttered between me and his exGF, trying to decipher his "feelings". Honestly, I think you might know how I feel.
Finally, when I walked out of his life again, he made a choice with me. Deep inside me, very frankly, I always pondered if he chose me because he loved me? Or if it was cos he had more to lose with his ex. And though by now, he has completely shut her out of our lives (it was a long struggle even after we got together officially. Read my thread), it WILL be difficult for you to maintain and upkeep this relationship because you will never be able to trust your man 100% completely. And I'm not sure about you, but if you see him lying through his teeth to his GF, while he is spending time with you then...how sure are you that he won't do that to you the next time?
I'm not saying you will most definitely suffer being with this bloke. But I thk, like me, you will need to have a lot, alot of confidence, trust and courage to go through with this. For me, I'm still struggling. Maybe I do so, cos I love him. Still, very much of these sh*tty "after math" feelings, you will be left to deal with them yourself.
So, my advice to you is...throw urself into work, friends, parties...and try not to dwell on him. I know its easier said than done...but I guess, if he's meant for your keeps, he will return to u. But if not, maybe u're better off single, happy and free.. Good luck...
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yyly
17 yrs ago
Disappointed in love!
I was indeed desperated, for love, out of love, now feeling in love, which might not be working out. Still I have this faith, someone is out there for you.
Faith works sometimes, not always.
Maybe it is something wrong with the pattern, people get stucked.
I now try to fullfill life with work and some outings, I have been trying really hard to get over it, not only this specific involvement with the guy in-relationship, but in general 'life'. I confronting my problems and I know exactly what they are, something deep inside me, hunger for love. So it gets over-emotional and sensiless sometimes.
For nearly 4 years I did not want to try another time since last broke-up which nearly killed me and it was doomed to fail as, again, totally wrong approach, but it was a true love for so long that in the end hurted me so badly.
I really enjoy sharing this and discuss with you guys, strangers who is out of the loop but able to see it so clearly. It is so helpful because I wont discuss with any other friends, who would put emotion in and get personal.
It is really hard to leave when you found yourself 'attached' again. It is cruel.
We all have this 'tendency' for things that do not belong to you. How funny, when I think about it. It would be ok if it is material, but in the case of emotion, its complicated.
Guess I have to sort it out. I can not blame him only being part of this, mistake is on my side as well. For sure I won't want to know my bf cheating on me, so I shall not hurt another person, and I shall not let him feel 'getting away with it' so comfortablly.
I still respect him as a 'person' despite the misbehavior (am I stupid), I just do not want to lose the faith I hold up in people. (how pathetic!?)
I dont know. All I want is a nice, beautiful, comfortable, trustworthy, proper relationship. What is the price for that?
Anyway.
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I have same feeling of you yyly, disappointed in love again and agian.. I wanna tell about my little story. I didnt hv bf since i broke up w/ my ex-bf in March, i feel ok back to single and focus on my work/study/yoga practice. In this end of Oct, I met a guy from online dating site. We feel happy, comfortable when first met, then we keep hang out together, we go hiking, sport together. At the beginning, he will date me in advance. Now he didn’t message/call me during the weekday, (maybe he is busy at work) but even he saw me online at night, just date me at last minute and come to his place. He goes china every Tue-Thur. Seem we hv no communication during the wkday. I feel like he wont plan anything to do with me now and just ask me to his place (we live very near, just abt 10 mintues walk). I don’t want feeling like that in a relationship, I did mentioned to him, I m looking for a proper LTR. Should I tell him my feeling? Or I just walk away as we are just meet about 2 months.
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Dissapointedinlove.
What is the link to your thread please?
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Once a cheater, always a cheater. Rarely will a man leave his relationship for the 'other' woman.
Move on- there are plenty of NICE guys out there to have serious relationships with, especially in HK. You will be much better off and happier with someone decent and moral.
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Tigerbay> I have a posting here titled under "Forgive BF or not?".
Yyly> Yes. I totally understand the emotionally difficulties u are facing. :) Maybe it is comforting that while u go through all these BS, you're not alone. While u feel silly/stupid/angry with yourself for still putting that person in your "he's-not-that-bad" list (I do that too...), dont. Naturally because you still care for him, he would be still impt to you... Maybe just let time heal all the wounds.
I'm really bad at rational advices. Because I follow my heart. And I believe that even if the whole world tells you to dump the guy and move on, if you can't, you can't. If I have to call and talk things through with him, to let him know how I feel, I will. If I need to cry a million bucket of tears for him, I will. But when all the talkings and cryings are done, and things are still the same...it's probably time. Maybe he really isn't worth it. Then. I will move on...
I do hope you will recover from this ordeal. I am struggling with my relationship too..but still, I remain hopeful that love will overcome all odds.. Continue to believe in love. I'm sure 5 years' on, when you look back on this past love, you will smile and feel glad...that you had moved on from this episode.. :)
Octoberv> It must be very frustrating for you because you obviously want a proper, loving, fun relationship that you used to share with the guy. Try and talk to him abt how you feel things used to be and how it has changed. Is it because of work? Let him know how you feel.. If he's just a lazy bum who is tired after work but feels comfortable enough to hang arnd with you, maybe it aint all that bad. But having been together for only 2 mths, it's kinda early really to lose the slack on the sparks. If u feel like he's only using you...cut your loss....and walk out of it. If he does love and cherish wht u guys share, he will come back to you and make things better. At least that's wht I believe...
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thk you disapptedinlove!
Yesterday, I really want to send him message about my feeling, but many time i tell my feeling to guy, it doesnt really improve the relationship. I guess those guy just dont love me enough. Finally i didnt, i even blocked his msn, this is our mainly communication channel. I want to know any reactive from him if he didnt see me for few days. I prepared I wont hear from him anymore. In fact, I feel good and release. I dont want to spent my time & love to a guy who dont love, care and treasure me.
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yyly
17 yrs ago
Its time to take a move.
If he does not, you have to.
Revisiting how you feel about him and the thing itself, thinking over and over about it, does not improve the situation, does not change the fact that you are not hearing from him again. It is reliefingto talk about it but when its time to move on, its time to do it.
Time will heal, focus on other things, its hard but its helpful.
If he wants to come back, he will, if not then not.
Take the advise, move on and get over it. He is not the only one.
(I am telling myself this again again and again...and I am putting the effort on making it happen)
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i just off the phone with my bf, reading through your thread giving me a clearer perspective - thanx a lot. I hope you know that you are not alone. I used to think (and plan to go back to it) that - the amount of energy to love someone could really move the moutain, how about focusing those energy towards something or someone inneed .. hahahahaha environment, poverty child, ... give without expectation, mercy and love without condition ..... i was like that for nearly 6 years till i met this bf - who's so wrong for me in many aspects. :P
Just want to thank you for all advice here and hope YYLY will regain her strengths :D and do whats best for your soul
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yyly
17 yrs ago
I was thinking to give him a call instead, to tell that he is to stay in my past, 2007. When he sorted out his things, we may talk again...maybe he is never planned to do so or there is no things to sort out after all...
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I'm also in Shanghai :) i'm sure 2008 will be a much better year :)
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He's cheating on his current gf to be with you, how do you know he won't do the same to you once you have your "proper relationship"?
Also, sorry to be harsh, but I don't have respect for a woman who is knowingly the 3rd party to a relationship. All this talk about how you hate to lose him and how he's a nice man etc etc is all very fluffy, but if he was serious about you and you're a decent person, a) he would sort out his relationship before starting something with you and b) you would insist he sorted himself out instead of being a party to his cheating. I guess I'm very black and white about these things, and it seems you need to be too.
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yyly
17 yrs ago
Eventually I sent him an email to end it. Maybe it was already over from him...
Relaxed a bit.
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yyly
17 yrs ago
Well, it is really hard. I've been thinking about him.
He replied saying he respect my decision ending it. and he feels its his responsibility to fight for it and not to give up on it (the feels and probs to sort out)
He was not using me, he wants me to trust him. I do indeed, otherwise it would be ended after first time together.
I am now giving him enough space and time to sort things out, I wish he could be true to his soul and confront it.
I want him to know my feeling about him, I know, he knows too, that we were not 'flirting'. Now shall I sent him a note now and then? would it being pushy? but I feel its right to respect my emotion...
Errrrrrrrrrr.
X'mas and New year are approaching, I do not feel anything.
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Hi- I have been in such crap relationships, emotional disaster before. (been on the man's side, that is).
Just stay clear. It will be too hard to work out at this point because there is too much history and baggage. There is a reason why he cannot leave his gf. That and juggling the emotional relationship with you is just too much of a burden, its like a poison that slowly kills things between the both of you.
This guy like what flashback says is acting in a grossly immature way. A nicer way of putting it is that he is not able to make his decision because of some fear. This is a sign of an emotionally incomplete person, someone who has to do some growing up and learning to take responsibility for his actions, his mistakes. AT least this is what I feel I lacked.
I am now free now without a lot of guilt, the many years of unhappiness and fear and burden uplifted, but the person whom I cheated on my ex with, I could not think of continuing my relationship with as everything was destroyed in the process of his waiting for me to leave my ex, and I never did.
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