cant we hv it all?

last year i came out of a 2-year relationship coz, despite the unbelievable physical (read 'sexual') chemistry we had, after a while, it seemed like there was no other way we could communicate other than spending amazing time in bed...


not long after that relationship ended, i met a new man. we started off as friends, spent time talking, hanging out, having pure plantonic fun...all was great. after a while he asked me to be his GF, i said yes, it felt right...


fast fwd to today...its almost a year we've been together and we still have massive amount of fun - outside the bedroom...not only that we didnt have the sort of physical chemistry i had with my ex, he's juz not bothered in the bedroom front...he tells me he thinks sex is overrated and he juz doesnt like it that much...ive tried to add fun in the bedroom, all the cliche, but yea, he's juz not that into sex...


i guess i'm not really asking for advice, sigh, but cant we have it all?

I'm in a slightly similar situation, my bf used to be very affectionate when we were in a ldr relationship but now that we are in person, we don't have sex very often. Not just sex, I love hugs and kisses but don't get nearly enough! I've already been open with him about it, am rather confused. I know it's a cliche, but I thought men just loved sex and couldn't get enough of it. So, I'd say if it's like that now with your relationship, things aren't going to radically change unless your partner wants them to and that's one of the hardest parts of a relationship. E.g., one partner sees some areas of improvement in the relationship, the other partner thinks everything is fine. How can that situation be resolved? I've been married before and have to say that it's not something I'd lightly enter into again!

Wow, thats pretty profound that last bit...


I agree with you about the personal growth bit, fersure!


I think a lot of people seem to think that if they just look away or if they wait it out, their problems will go away. They dont. They stick around to watch you bleed. I mean, it maybe in a relationship that one person wants to talk about and deal with the problem and the other sits there (as was the case in my marriage) saying "but its not that big a problem, I dont see what you are getting your panties in a twist about, if we just chill out, things will all work out". This sort of avoidance is what causes the downfall of a lot of relationships. Even at work, poor management is when they take the attitude of "hmm, lets SEE how it goes over the next few months" instead of addressing the problem...as if by some miracle, just waiting and seeing, will somehow solve the problem. Similarly, parents with kids who may need support with language or something more worrying...may sit there in denial saying "lets see, if we just wait it out, maybe he/she will get better" instead of looking at early intervention, they end up doing themselves and their kid a great disservice.


Avoidance is the biggest problem with most folks. I think problem solving is something we all learn as kids, but the hardwiring we form from watching the adults around us can sometimes make us procrastinators in life. This ends up stunting personal growth...problems dont just go away...sex is, in my opinion, yet another means of communication...when there is a communication breakdown, ignoring it isnt going to make the problem non existent.

I'm going to give my naive and inexperience opinion on why marriage is great and not overrated!


It's a commitment and a promise in front of god or an appointed legal person to stay faithful and supportive to your other half until you die! And it's a promise you make in front of everyone who you've ever known your entire life. And by wearing a wedding ring, it lets everyone else who doesn't know you, know that you made that commitment and that promise.


I'm not saying marriage is infallable, I'm not married yet, and my parents hate each other and they've been married for twenty-six years.


It does make your children all legal and it means that you get their pension when they die and all other legal and monetary things like that. But basically it's a promise to be commited and faithful and supportive of each other until you die. Or get divorced.

Ok, WHATEVER. No man isn't really that into sex. He might not be that into sex w you. Or he might have a medical problem or a self confidence in that area problem for whatever reason. ie, too quick on the draw or some circulatory issue or hes on high blood pressure meds and it negatively affects the equipment etc. or he suffers from clinical depression. But no man is just not that into it or just doesn't think its important.


I promise you I'm right. It just so happens Ive been a man for a few years now. Many of my friends happen to be men as well. I and the rest of the men on here are most likely qualified experts on the subject of men. If they disagree here though their man cards will be immediatly revoked on principal, no questions asked.


No healthy man without serious issues thinks its unimportant or not a big deal. If he tells you otherwise SOMETHING is wrong and you need to dig into it and find out what. OK if you are a psychotic nympho and you dont let him stop for air then from a relative standpoint only, you can accept his claim (and get in immediate contact w/ me) but short of that there is some problem that you are currently unaware of. Its only been one year so it shouldn't be boring yet, especially if you have been trying to keep it interesting.


All this talk about marriage has nothing to do with your question.


You can have it all for more than one year. Seven? Ten years? possible but gets more rare and "unicorny" but one year it should still be a major part of your relationship.


He has a problem. You should find out what it is or just move on.


The intimacy, the closeness generated by a good roll in the sack is important beyond just the chemicals it releases into your brain. I find that afterwards for a few days I am more in love with and have more feelings of goodwill towards my signifigant other and if we are in a dry spat I am more quick to be mad at her or less forgiving of things, judge her harsher etc.


Really, dont settle for less than "all" or trust me some day you will regret it terribly. If he has a problem though maybe he just needs pills (not lil blue ones but thyroid or antidepression or whatever) and he will be better. Or he needs to get into shape so his circulatory system is more healthy. Something. Don't just accept it though because something is not right.

tingbudong, you really can't listen!


Most men, despite what they like to tell you in your macho discussions about sex, do not want sex all the time. Maybe the creepy men I wouldn't touch with a barge pole might want it, but I don't have experience of such people.


The half way decent blokes that a girl might want to spend a bit of time getting to know tend to want sex at certain times. For example, in the morning, and at such times they think they won't get sex for a long time like when I go on holiday, or at times they haven't had sex for a long time, like after I get back from holidays.


At the start of a relationship men want sex all the time because they either want to get to know you, or they've been single and unsucessful for a long time and have a lot of shagging to get out their system.


Well, when I say men, I mean middle class British men, as that's the demographic I've sampled. I couldn't say anything about these dispicable over paid ugly old expat men who probably shag all the time as they realise how lucky they are to get any at all. Plus they know when they move back to their own country, the women aren't as desperate and they won't get a second look.

Pupalicious dear, I never said we all want it all the time and dont think or breath for anything else. I said we all think its important and we all think its a big deal. Acceptable numbers per week etc varies greatly. Apparently it varies by nationality too J/K. But still for a guy to just not really be into it and then act all nonchallant (sp?) as if its just not something they think is important is masking a problem. Really all piss and bravado, all joking aside, evolutionary psychology has programmed us to think its important. Its not the only thing thats important of course but in general the more we are into you the more we wanna get into you, you know AFTER the scrabble game, after we wax philisophical on the veranda, in the moonlight, after the wine has all gone to our heads and you look more and more beautiful in the fleeting light through the thickening haze of our drunken perception.


And by the by, you know you wanna hit ME with that barge pole. Im no despicable, over paid, ugly old expat. Im a fun, cute, young and underpaid creative professional who only spends a 3rd of my year in GZ. Then I go home and get hit on by the home town girlies at the stoplights while Im just innocently sitting there on my motorcycle minding my own business trying to get home to walk my dog and help ole ladies across the street.


Guys back me up... No sappy marriage talk here. One year only into a relationship, if you DONT think the intimate part of your relationship is VERY important then there's something wrong right? Even if you're middle class British or (god forbid) Canadian or something...