Is he having an affair?

My husband and I are expats, married more than 15 years. We are both professionals, both successful and both in good shape as we work out a lot. But sex has always been a problem -- just low desire on his part. We've tried for years to improve this facet of our relationship, but without success (trying counseling, books, videos, you name it). And we've never been able to have children. We're very close, and great friends, just don't have the physical side.


Recently, he accidentally left a thread of emails open on my computer between him and a young female colleague. It was nothing sexual, but definitely flirtatious on both sides. They were sharing intimate things, like beliefs in God, religion, life dreams and such, things my husband and I rarely discuss because he is so private. I was shocked to read this and confronted him. He said they are just friends as he was assigned to be her mentor at work. She is getting married soon besides.


I've thought of hiring a private investigator to follow him. But I'm wondering if I'm blowing things out of proportion. I guess I feel our marriage is vulnerable because our physical intimacy is not great. He is a good man, hard working, reliable and very careful with important decisions. An affair just seems contrary to his character. But then again, he is also painfully shy, and has almost no friends. It is also out of character that he is sharing so much with a beautiful young woman.


I don't know what to do. Any thoughts or advice?

Some here will say "definately!"


Others (like myself) will say "probably not".


People who are shy/private with those they are close to sometimes find it much easier to be open with people they are not so close with, or which have a safe boundary (which sounds a bit the case).


How about these points:

1. You don't think he would

2. It doesn't sound like it is in his character

3. You two sound very close

4. You haven't got children and he getting no attention


And:

5. He hasn't got any commitment to her

6. He is unlikely to be so stupid to have an affaor with a subordinate (he is careful with important decisions)

7. She is getting married (so off limits anyhow).


Kind of points away from being the case eh?


If he is not having an affair (most likely) and you hired an investigator and he found out somehow, how would things be then? Could that be resolved/forgiven?


A. Sometimes, (just sometimes) guys don't realise they are being played a little by yuonger (cute) women, and unwittingly can be made feel special by admiration/attention (and the guy is not even thinking of "having a go" so to speak).


B. Or like said above, some people can open up more with someone they feel comfortable with (because perhaps that person has opened to them or has a peaceful calm attitude), as they owe them nothing emotionally and can't disappoint this other person (but can with their wife/husband).


You probably know yourself, but based on the facts, it looks like a bit of a combination of A and B which is likely to be harmless, as she will drift away and no long-term close bond will form.


If I had to bet basde on the facts,I'd say he ain't planning to cheat and won't anyhow, and may feel a bit gulity/embarassed that you saw the email because he has difficulty discussing these things with people close (i.e. you!) but is not gulity or embarassed for any other reason.

Very well written, flashback! Is it just experience or you've some background in relationship understanding? Especially the last sentence is so true.


Unfortunately a lot of couples end up living lives in these situations.


The case in point : I don't think the guy is having an affair with this woman. If he is normally so meticulous, he wouldn't just leave his emails on her computer. I do not think he has done it purposely either. I think he just feels he is being innocent with his junior colleague.


But, and I feel there is a strong possibility, that he might have an affair in future. Given that he is definitely suffocated in the relationship on some levels. And to satisfy the lack of intimacy, he will look outside the marriage.


You should take this revelation and your previous knowledge of lack of intimacy with your husband as a warning, enoughalready.

So wisely written - flashback & zonked - and to the point. Hopfully up till now your husband is still having this innocent commute with this woman but I think you have to try to bring him back into reality, because it will eventually be drawn into an affair without him realizing it & he will be playing the part of Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde.


Please take action before it's too late as I know it's going into that direction.......

Many thanks to each of you for your thoughtful responses. Your words have given me a lot to think about.


flashback, your comment about putting my expressive self on hold really resonates. Although I love my husband dearly, I sometimes feel like I'm living with a roommate or a brother. I long for us to be closer on so many levels, including physically, but have never been able to get him to open up in that way.

If you love your husband, do something before he gets himself into trouble unintentionally. Seduce him.....change roles......talk to him....anything to wake him up!!!!

have you read 'Feel the fear and do it anyway' ? It may take a couple of years to improve and a couple more to persuade your family/friends that having feelings , ideas , expressing (and standing up for ) oneself ( = ' Venus in Spurs' ) is not

" Bad " .. Some strange old-fashioned ideas are still around in our culture so even if you take it slowly you can still try to teach those around you to be more open and intimate ..you are still young and WE ARE ALL still learning.

Damn the torpedoes - full steam ahead !

have you read 'Feel the fear and do it anyway' ? It may take a couple of years to improve and a couple more to persuade your family/friends that having feelings , ideas , expressing (and standing up for ) oneself ( = ' Venus in Spurs' ) is not

" Bad " .. Some strange old-fashioned ideas are still around in our culture so even if you take it slowly you can still try to teach those around you to be more open and intimate ..you are still young and WE ARE ALL still learning.

Damn the torpedoes - full steam ahead !

What would have happened if it was the other way around? What if he was the one who found out you were exchanging emails with a young handsome bloke at work? What would his reaction be? Would he confront you, understand you or just leave you? If you have been together for that long time and he would rather open up and talk to someone else than to you who is his wife of more than 15 years about issues/topics that are often talked about by couples then there is something wrong with the relationship. I think you both have lost the intimacy and you both need to sit down and do some serious talking. Some couples say that after a long time of being together it just is companionship that keeps them together. I agree if you are both that old, without teeth, all gray hair with a hundred grandchildren and great grand children but if you are still both active, attractive and in love with each other then you just need some serious talking, more openness, some spices, a wilder imagination with each other if you know what i am talking about and your relationship will be much better.

It happens to me at one stage, as my partner sounds like yours so it is more likely impossible to happen but then on second thought my partner is human anything could happen even to me, so i talk and advice my partner that do not give any impression that would jeopardise our marriage, as most man specially woman are weak when it comes to person being friendly and more likely be mistaken of flirting. So better talk to him, share your thoughts together the samething they do, hiring a private investigator will ruin your trust to each other, if their is nothing sirious that need this kind of attention let this thing past and go on with your wonderful merriage, partnernership and friendship. Atleast what i did.