He not ready for a girlfriend

I broke up with my ex-bf 5 years ago. I met him in Shanghai, (i was there for leisure, i am Hongkongnese) he is my first foreign bf. We broke up due to he needs to back to his country and work in other country very far from Hong Kong. After we sepearte, i never forget him, i always missing him and i tried to contact him.


In this Jan, he email me. I was so happy and can't believe i will meet him again, I thought it is destiny. In easter holiday, i came to shanghai to met him, it was wonderfuly, we still have very good feeling of each other. Until now, i went shanghai 3 times for him, everytime we have very good time. He also treat me very nice. we talk every day.


But the sad thing happen 2 weeks ago, i talked a little about his exgf's pic. I just said "are you still going to keep the pic on wall......i dont mean he hv to take off or cant keep his ex-gf stuff" The day after, he told me "he realize he is not ready for a gf, he doesnt want anyone ask him to do anything." Because his ex-gf very controllable and jealous, now he enjoy a single life.


I love him so much, in the past years, i still cant forget him and miss him, I thought this time we met again, we would treasure each other (I am)


he can still treat me nice as before but he just keep reminding he doesnt want a gf.


What can i do? Could anyone give me advice.

I am not young, I m 30yrs, he is 40yrs. I do think if we are happy together, we love, care each other. I dont care anything, because we are also distant love. He is in shanghai, i m in hk. But now, he call me less but he said we can like before. But i wonder....

I can tell you what you CAN NOT do: Change people.


He explained clearly what he wants, and I understanding him oh so well because I have been there too. He wants to be single, so this is what you can get.


Do you want a husband? Well, is obvious he is not in for that. So either accept him with his conditions or walk away from him.

dear pearlv, I really hope I could give you a big hug now to make you feel better and understand something,

try to walk away from him,just as cat cannot love rat,I know it is difficult,but you have to.


I broke up with my exbf a few days ago,you can find my story in my another thread"am I too childish or is he too mature",


I cried myself hoarse,cannot speak for 2 days and resigned my job because I could not do anything,he didnt give me any reason but just said he wants to live alone.I can do anything for him, as long as he would like to come back.But now I give up.


"If he didnt love you,it is no use no matter how much you love him."


Another thing I want to tell you,my exbf is a danish guy,even though we dont have any difficulties to communicate,or to understand each other, THERE ARE some differences you can never overcome, that is so-called eastern and western culture conflict.


As Michael said, you CAN NOT change people, he can contact you after 5 years, he even can talk to you sweetly or do any romantic things with you together, but that doesnt mean he still want to be with you.


He is not that kind of person who would like to settle down and stop for one girl forever, then no matter how much you love each other, he will never change.Trust me.


My exbf said maybe in the future,we can talk as friends again,just as what we did before we fell in love. But we will never be together any more, because he is not that kind of person want a family, 50% of danish people live alone, so he prefers that too.


pearlv, if you are not only satisfied with "that" relationship,leave him now.You have already wasted 5 years.


"He doesnt want a gf", it is just a beautiful excuse to make you feel better, forget it, he hides the real thing because he doesnt want to hurt you. Leave now and give each other the best memory.


Actually I still think I cannot fall in love again,I still think my exbf is the best guy in this world,but I know everything is temporary,all the sadness will past one day,I will be good.Hope you too.

Thks Michael - he did say that he doesnt want anyone change him. No one can change anybody.


I just dont understand 6 years ago i met him - he just got divorced. After 6 years later i met him again, he broke up with 4 yrs gf. And now he told me he is not ready for a gf. Does he think I just a playgirl, I never can be his girlfriend? he treat me very nice. He knows I love him so much.


I told him, I just want we love, care each other, enjoy the moment together, the most important is happy. I didnt think what we will going on.


Before we msn every day, these 2 weeks he less online and call me. I dont know....

perhaps he is sick of being controlled by anyone or you are not the right one that he wants to make commitment.


If you could accept all this, why not keep the current relationship and enjoy. But dont be surprised that if he stops calling you.


Anyway, good luck pearly.

pearlv...he's just not that into you, move on.

hey, dear Pearlv,

maybe my words are not so good for u ,but i think u need keep your calm,now u love this guy very very much so that u cant see the fact is he dont love u as u love him! actually nobody can change anyone,its not the points,the point is he said he isnt ready for gf,its just a excuse,its not the truth! if he really dont wana gf,he shouldnt accept your act i mean you flight to shanghai for him....and i think he just wana out of responsibility if he choose to be with GF. i guess maybe his minds is influenced by past experience.but he is not good guy i think,becasue he didnt learn from his first marrage and not mature minds about love and marriage!

so my opinion for u is：

if u cant accept treat him but not as his gf,pls give up

if u can,just enjoy,but i think its very bad for u(you are not the younth)

the problem isnt u,u are good girl,he isnt think u are playgirl,just becasue he didnt love u so much!!!!its fact u must face with!


ps:my bf also is panamanian,i'm inshanghai,he back there becasue visa problem during olympic games,i just wana tell u ,if he love u,he will tell u,he love u hewana be with u even u meet some problems,never mind,u can deal with i together.

and,your guy seems not so postive and very bad attitude for love.


i really hope u can think over and find another right person for u!!!! may happy

dear haze84, thks so much! You are totally right! I always thought this time we could be true love. The fact is not, he just not love me true and enough. I should clear my mind. I was thinking, maybe i will see him one last time at end of June as i scheduled before. I want to give us one last best wonderful moment. Than i will give up. I hope i can really do it.


Thks you so much for all you advice.

Don't want to hurt your feeling but yeah he doesn't want to commit, not just with you probably with other girls as well. He wants to enjoy his own sweet time with any girl who is willing to be there for him when he needs them.


Why is he so nice to you in the first place? of course he wants you to fly in instead of him flying out. cost saving here can't you see?


'I want to give us one last best wonderful moment. Than i will give up.' - My lord I hope it's a joke. If I was you, I will never do it. In fact I already left him long time ago. See what you're looking for is someone who commits himself and want to be with you now and the future right? He's not! Just leave him and give yourself a bit of pride. I know it's hard but I'm sure you can do it.

thks think_positive..

First, i fly to see him because i wanted to and he cant fly first to see me because he cant take leave of his work. I dont think because of save $$$, he did pay for my ticket, i even dont need to spend any$ there. He was planning to come last week. But....


Now, i think i know what should i do.. walk way.....

It was my last trip on last week as i planned. I did give him very romanic and memory time for him. I have done enough. I can't contiue only myself. Today, we are totally game over..