Marriage on the rocks

I am married to a Hongkonger for about six months and I believe our marriage is on the rocks. She is 29 years old and it seems we can't seem to communicate on any serious matter at all.


It's seems she is unable to comprehend simple concepts of mutual understanding and feelings for each other. When ever I feel or show I am unhappy about certain matter she can only jump to the conclusion that I don't love her anymore.


It's either her way of doing things or I don't love her because I don't give in.


There are occasions when it is prooven that she is wrong and she gets into this denial and on occasion a trace where she just goes totally expressionless for hours.


I believe she is unable to comprehend and grow in maturity to have an adult discussion.


I am very worried and don't know who to turn to for advice. I have suggested councilling and she suggest I should be the only one going.


I don't know what to do...

Firstly, I assume that you are an expatriate. I agree with much of what Flashback said.


Secondly, I am married to a Thai lady, and would urge you to step back and think about the fact that your relationship is between two people from different cultural backgrounds, and when you talk about things you are using a language in which your wife is not proficient.


Building a relationship between people from different cultural backgrounds requires some give-and-take on both sides. However, in my experience in my own mixed marriage, and in observing others, it is obvious that there can be totally different perspectives and priorities - the two people in other words are basically starting from different points, often have totally different worldviews, and to cap it all off, have to talk about things in a language in which one of them is not proficient.


If you truly love your wife, and want your marriage to succeed, you need to take several steps back from the point you are at now. Ask yourself these questions. "How much do I understand, and respect, my wife's cultural background? Am I able to allow her to have an equal say in important decisions? Is she allowed to do some things her way, just as much as I want to do things my way?"


In other words, try putting yourself in her shoes. Remember that we are all the product of our backgrounds. It sounds to me as though you are asking your wife to adjust totally to your way of thinking, and doing things. If so, you are being unfair.


Finally, I have come to realise that my wife just cannot accept some of my long-held and genuinely rational beliefs. I accept that, because I love her.


Maybe you will have to make some concessions. Maybe you just need to learn how to communicate better as a couple.


Definitely counselling sounds like a good idea. But do not nag your wife about it, do not paint her into a corner. Go on your own, at first, you will learn some skills and techniques that will help you to improve your relationship.


Best of luck, and do not give in to despair about this. Remember that you have committed yourself to a marriage, you did that for good reasons, surely you can find ways to live together happily ever after.


With good will, and some work, and an open mind, I know that you will succeed. Good luck.

Hmm Well, there are 2 options, if you really love her, then you have to try to work this out, honest straight communication is tough, but always works.. tell her what bothers you but always at the same time tell her positive qualities and how much you care for her and your lives together. Mix or regular couple is the same, we all come into a relationship with different expectations, standards of joy and unhappiness, ways of communication and of course our own set of baggages.... it all about learning. I (asian) have been with my BF(white) as a gay couple for 11 yrs now, and it is possible if you love each other. But trust it was not easy. Maybe, just maybe she is still a bit immature? OR simply unable to communicates feelings. How about have each other writing it down? again also includes happy moments or thoughts along with negatives... In addition, you had mentioned "when it is proven that she is wrong and she gets into this denial................." Often it is not important to point fingers of who's right or wrong.. just let each other know, then add a joke or make it funny to ease the negativity. On the other hand, she needs to show efforts and willingness too, that you are the only one would know. The second option is XXXXXXXX well you maybe not want to go there... best of luck, and i often think life can be worse....whenever I feel sad or discourage. look at all the kids in the earthquake zone in China. Sometime when we become content with our lives, it becomes easier to be happy.Cheers!

Yes, I am an expatriate.


I would really want to get it to work and both is enjoying our relationship.


Getting a serious heart to heart talk doesn't seem to work because she will get into this childish and shy mood. She just doesn't seem to open up.


Basically I don't see us communicating and I hope she is able to see that. I hope we can work out the problem, but first we need to atleast realize that.


At the moment, she only ask if I love her. If so then there is no problem and she can just go on her own.....

Take a look at this book" how to improve your marriage without talking about it" by Patricia love and stenven stosny, it has answer to all you questions.

I'm also an expat married to an HK woman, but do not suffer the same problems. However I've been here long enough to understand the different upbringings many have here. It seems your wife suffers from a train of though, shared by many, that things are either only black or white - no colours in between. She only sees love or no love and any conflict means no love. Any perceived critisism is seen as a threat. You being unhappy to her is perceived critisism. A crazy analogy I agree but nevertheless one that affects all aspects of life, of course this train of though is something you see on the mainland all the time especially at the top level of government.


You of course have a much more liberal upbringing and you see things with a more logical and open perspective. The complete opposite in fact. It can work, if you both want it to, but it will take time. It will also take effort on your part to slowly bring her to the realisation that things are not just black or white, that unhappiness or frank talking is not critisism. At the end of the day it depends on how much you want to be in the marriage. You can of course use a councilor, here in HK they have plenty of experience with mixed couples and the problems they can face. Don't expect overnight success but don't think it cannot be solved either.

Good points. My Thai wife (actually she is half-Chinese) also sees things in black and white. Things are either right, or wrong, there is no grey in her view of the world.


This makes compromise very difficult. It all gets down to the value you place on the relationship, and your ability to accept your wife's different aspirations. Because, having been brought up in Hong Kong she is very flexible and adaptable in some areas of her life, but totally fixed and unchangeable in others.


The challenge is to recognise what can be changed, and what cannot. Either learn to live with what cannot be changed, or else the relationship cannot work.


I have several friends married to Hong Kong Chinese women, and they are all happy. However, I know that a lot of tolerance is required. Your wife is showing her intrinsic tolerance by being in a relationship with a gweilo. You will need to be tolerant in ways that complement her inability to change in some areas.

Black or white, quite rightly put. So it's hard to get into a discussion and share of view point. When she is in the right mood or there is an agenda, then she can be most agreeable, no discussion or convincing. Else, it is mostly no way, no discussion or convincing.


So, she can agree on a topic one day and totally forget about it the next.


So, I feel we are not communicating.


But I guess it will take time. Hope to see the light at the end of the tunnel but hopefully the tunnel is not a long, long tunnel....


BTW, I an an expatriate in HK but that doesn't mean I am a gweilo ;)

I'm a chinese women who married a white man. My husband always said he found what we are always arguing are not about different foods or different cultural stuff, but the way of thinking...

I am a westerner married to a Chinese woman. Our only arguements are about attitude (thinking and behaviour). I also think that the accusation 'you don't care about me' is a conditioned response, it is how women view/express discontent. And they expect that a man who cares will react (conditioned response) in a certain way, the way they have always seen (by thier dad, on TV etc.). If we react differently we are seen as not behaving as somebody who cares.


People do tend to belittle the importance of cultural differences. Some say that 'dah dee dah...' is the answer. But forget that their solution also comes from their own cultural perspective.


You just have to find a middle way, where you don't feel you are being emotionally blackmailed, and she doesn't feel disrespected or unloved.

Counseling can help a lot here, and it is common for one person to go on their own, this might give you the skills and strategies you need without her going, or it may encourage her to go. Avoid using the fact that you are going as a stick.


Another thing to consider, and this is where I get flamed, it took me 4 years to realize that the tears and feeling of neglect occured at regular monthly intervals. So if her unhappyness is periodic then this may be a contributing factor. But for god sake don't ask her.

"There are occasions when it is prooven that she is wrong and she gets into this denial and on occasion a trace where she just goes totally expressionless for hours."

You are not the only one on that Western/Chinese boat. I just decided never to marry just because of that.

I guess that might be a very Hong Kong culture. Just watch the Hong Kong TV cereals. In the plot, the bad guys is always clearly and undisputedly bad. Doing the obviously worst so there is no ambiguity. There is not much moral in the story, you seldom see people that are so openly bad.


Black or White.....


Off the scene discussion is only on who is the better or worst looking actor/actress.

Hknebula,


They say that you cannot make an omelette without breaking some eggs. True enough.


It is also true that when you crack an egg you cannot put it back together again.


Do not give up on your marriage without trying all ways to preserve it.


I had a friend once who fell in love with another woman, and was on the verge of giving up his marriage. I persuaded him not to, and he is still married, now very happily, many years later.


When you marry somebody, you do so for good reasons. Do not give those reasons away, fight hard for them.

Hknebula, the bottom line is whether she wants to work things our not. You might have to let her know how serious your discontent is before she is willing to start seeing things in your perspective. However, this runs the risk of the marriage being over if she's not really to open up and accept some responsibility in her communication with you.

As i see it, psychologically your wife has some serious insecurity issues.Have you checked her background thoroughly? Has she ever been abused by her parents or siblings or family members physically or verbally? Has she ever been hurted by her ex bf before that makes her think like this?


I believe this is because of traumatic experiences before. I have met cases like this. It is not because of cultural things. Human, woman, do not get insecure without a root or a reason behind it. If she is brought up properly and always inside a safe environment, she wont act like this. But something in the past has triggered this to happen.


She is simply asking for your attention. She has not enough love and attention. She has a strong insecurity problem. The best thing for you to do is first to see what was the problem that caused this in the past. Try to seek this information without asking her straight. Ask around. Or if you want her to talk about it, look for the right moment where she seems want to 'spill'. the key is to approach her with love and softness. When she spill it out, dont look surprised or shocked, but show that 'i still love u, its all in the past, u are with me now' try to make her feel guarded and safe.


You have committed to a marriage, so whatever happen you still have to accept her as your wife. This is only a small problem in marriage. If you cannot stand this and try to work it out, you will never survive the next 30 years or so.


Those insecurity that your wife has, comes about because something makes her stressed out or uncomfortable. Did you guys just move house? did she move to a new environment? She doesnt get to meet her usual friends or people she used to meet anymore? She has no job? She just quits? She is pregnant?


Please do consider what i advise you to do, check her background, what traumatic experiences she had before. And the remedy is simple : LOVE and patience.


After u know what is the root to all this problem , you have to make sure your wife realize that she has a problem because of this traumatic experiences or change of environment, and then make her confide to u deeper, make her trust u even more, and show her that she can depend on u, u will 'protect' her, make her feel safe.


How? show her you love her, usually people with insecurity like to be 'touched'. Hug her, kiss her on the head, hold her hands when you guys are out, but dont show lust everywhere you are. Show less lust but show more care and love. Be soft.

I just thought when reading this it reminded me of some of the teenage girls I talk to here. With very little debating done in schools or healthy discussion at home for kids here in local systems without much parental input besides being told what to do, having communication problems seems to be a common result.

I had a problem with my secretary who decided I didn't like her because when I asked her to do something I did it too directly. She then had a month of either sulking or crying or getting snarky. It was soooo bizarre to me I thought she must have mental health issues.

also my business partner finds it sooo difficult to have "discussions" with me and actually divulge feelings or ideas about things right there on the spot. Again cultural differences, but really I think it's just what people are used to.

Women here (big generalisation coming up...) live at home and do what they are told have a model of marriage in their homes growing up that is NOT western where the man is not consulting his wife to "discuss" feelings on things etc etc. It would be very difficult to suddenly be expected to participate in these discussions and she may feel like she on the back foot in knowing how to respond appropriately so just gets defensive.

Just a thought........when I'm confronted with something that is different from what I'm used to I react too. My husbands family is all touchy feely lets have a family discussion about our feelings kind of family, and mine was more avoid confrontation don't discuss things that may start a debate and make sure we always agree. So I hated how he always wanted to "talk about his feelings" I felt like I was being held captive and forced to open up when I didn't want to. It has taken 5 years to get more comfortable.

agree with ribbons.....immaturity here in the young women my age is not exactly what I would normally expect! AND I can't stand the lip quivering pouting act I see by girls all around me here teasing their boyfriends and whining like babies.