Posted by
saturnsea
16 yrs ago
I am married for last 12 years and we have two kids. We were leading a normal family life and everything was going perfectly allright. My husband had to go to another nearby country for business assignment for one year. When he was about to leave that country I found from few of his emails that he was going around with a girl( single) for around 4-5 months. Upon asking, he was not ready to confess firstly but when I showed his own exchange of e-mails to her, he confessed saying that he was lonely there and he used her to kill his lonliness. I am shattered with this incident. He is trying to behave normally and he cares for me bit more compared to before. He keeps requesting me to forget this incident and seeks forgiveness. But I keep asking myself 'did he love me in those 12 years or were we just leading a normal family life with a relation to commitment to each other. He says that he always loved me and this incidnet is not betrayal. My equation is that if there is love between husband -wife, there is no scope of betrayal. He says that it was not betrayal at all, since he was lonely and he just committed this mistake of having a short term affair with this woman. He did not hide from this woman also that he is maaried. He does not have any communication with this woman now. I am trying to compose myself and trying hard by keeping myself busy in my business, different activiites & with my kids but at the back of my mind, I strongly feel betryed. My health is also suffering, as I am unable to sleep properly becaue I am unable to put up with this grief. My husband was my pride as he always cared for me & kids but now I do not feel like giving due respect to him.
Can anyone advise how to go about such stage? Is it not called betrayal?
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FKKC
16 yrs ago
I know how you feel. You have 2 children and you were happily married - at least you thought you were.....that is what makes it so shattering. If this is his first time and if he shows remorse and learns his lesson....give him and yourself another chance, especially when there are 2 children involved....be watchful in how he behaves trying to bring back your trust and love (only you can feel his sincerity).
Good luck and all the best....the hurt in you and the disrespect for him will take a long time to heal. Pride & trust will be lost. The illusion of having a wonderful & perfect husband is gone but still we have to get on with our lives. We can always cheer ourselves by making excuses that other wives may have worse husbands to deal with and we are by far luckier...just a tiny affair...no big deal there!!!
Seriously, if your husband really repents, you should accept him and his faults although the hurt may linger on.....nobody is promised a smooth road from the time he was born to go towards death.
One last advice.........try to let go of any anger, hurt etc. (easier said than done, I know - but do try) ....why?....that's for loving yourself, because these emotions will turn into stress and cancer cells attack a person when one is stressful too long.
Yes, the term is definitely called betrayal!
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Thanks FKKC. There is another worry which makes me insecured. I keep thinking that if the change in him is a just a for a short term because I am angry with him at this moment of time. Because I never saw any trace of regret in him after he broke off with this woman. During those days he was normal as before. Now when he is caught, he shows regret( or pretends regret) and takes care of me a bit more. I feel that this care is not from his heart but he is doing it to calm down the situation. Oh God...I am very very confused. I know I am expecting a true love from him and that's just a dream in today's society. One thing you said is ver true that we can always cheer ourselves by making excused that other wives may have worse husbands to deal with.
Anyway thanks for your adivse, I will surely try my best to to let go of anger and hurt.
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Is a lonliness that make him to do or is he not get the care/love from the person he love's last 12 years?
You/We should check yourself/we too that that why he/we did this?
I erally don't understand that man do this kinda things just coz lonliness or what but why do we not think and observe and check that wht make him to do this may be man cannot get love and care from GF/wife that he got in earlier time.
Telling you as an base on "human nature" analyst the one do this coz second cannot care and love that he/she want and need.
i meet and interviewd a lot peoples/couples and found that when they not care or treat good each other (as they do in their start of love/relation) then they feel and try to look around.
So please dont let yourself down or feel bad or sad happend is happend and do more care and love and give all that he need and want and i am sure he never ever think to go any where but to YOU.
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Saturnsea ~ Hang in there! If you really love your husband, and he loves you, you can work it out. You are going to feel hurt and angry for a while, he has betrayed your trust and you probably feel right now that you'll never be able to get that trust back, especically if he has to go away to work again. You need to keep talking openly with him, don't bottle things up inside, they will just fester away and you'll become very bitter ... you need to make him understand that as one of the people you love most in the world and trusted, how much he has hurt you, and he needs to understand that you can't simply forget about what he's done ... it's going to take time and a lot of hard work on both sides ... he needs to know that he has got to be patient with you and help you through this.
People are not perfect and sometimes they do stupid things, which they later bitterly regret. And it's not until afterwards that they realise how much they stand to lose. I'm not making excuses for what your husband has done, he has betrayed you and nothings going to change that. You say he didn't show any signs of regret until he'd been found out ... well, he was probably just thanking his lucky stars when he thought he'd got away with it. Now you know what he's done, and the chances are, if he truly loves you, he's feeling ashamed right now and regrets putting his life with his family at risk. He's probably scared about what decisions you will make.
Some people may tell you that he can never be trusted again, and some would openly encourage you to leave him, but no one knows how they would react themselves unless they've been through a similar situation. Only you can decide what's right for you. If you love each other, and the love is strong enough, you'll get through this. Take a look back over your past 12 years together ... is it worth saving, or do you want to throw it all away?
Good luck to you, and I hope you manage to work things out together. X
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Roonib, he never told me that he feels lonely when he was there. Instead I wanted to go there to meet him on weekends. But whenever I mentioned I will be coming to meet you the very coming weekend, he told me that he is very busy. He said that I do not need to come there but he will make visit here. It made sense to me that instead to we three go there, he can come and meet us all. I was feeling very lonely here always when he was there and missed him. But he never uttered a single occasion that he was feeling lonely and he wanted me to come there. Rather he said he is busy at work. And now when I ask these questions, he does not want to talk about it. He says he does not want to discuss this issue. I have no intention to leave my husband. I really want to have a peacefull life but I the questions which keep haunting me day and night are making me miserable. I can not discuss this with my family and friends as my husband have a very good reputation in society and among friends, I do not know how my husband will react if I discuss this with any of my family members or friends. As he does not want me to discuss this matter with anybody on this earth. Nor he is telling the truth
Also I have put this question to him that did he not get enough love/care from me that he betrayed me. Firstly he said yes, then I asked him to quote me single example where I failed to give him love, care or respect. Then he changed his statement saying that he had some bitterness towards me that he betrayed. Again I asked him to give the account of that bitterness, then he said he does not want to talk about this topic anymore. I am at loss whether he is just making excuses or he does have solid ground to support his own statements. He is not ready to talk about it. But I do not want to live under assumptions.
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FKKC
16 yrs ago
What Sapphire wrote is so wise, truthful and down-to-earth. Please listen to her saturnsea as I think it is the best general advice so far for situations like yours.
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He's trying to justify to himself why he did what he did. My husband did the same thing to me.
Hang in there and don't let him get away with it!
My husband didn't want me talking to anyone as well. I ended up talking about it with his friend who then admitted much more to me.
Don't let him convince you that your the problem ok!
All the best :)
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hey saturnsea, cheer up!!....do you have friends in hongkong that you can spend time with and say travel for awhile?...or maybe you can go somewhere by yourself first and see things from afar?..again, easy said than done but this could help...you cannot go on living like this and like you said, your health is already suffering so better give yourself a break...give yourself space and also your husband and see things from a different angle..i bet, its not easy to see him everyday so better think of how to give each other space, but meanwhile if you can continue to "discuss" with him about how you feel without sounding to be a nagger, would be good...why not consult a marriage counselor?...worth a try if you think your marriage is worth saving...just my few cents of thought....
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Totally agree with this
" stop thinking of the bad incident, it's done, he cannot undo it. instead, now concentrate your time to make him happy and enjoy being with you again. don't chase him, bring him back to you. and stop nagging him."
Just move on ....
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How sad that some of you are advsing Saturnsea to accept her husband's affair and stop nagging him. If the shoe were on the other foot then you'd be giving very different advice.
He had an affair. He disrespected his wife and his marriage, there is no excuse for that. Instead he should be trying his best to ear his wife's forgiveness and mfinding ways to re-build their marriage. I hope that Saturnsea has the strength to insist on counselling for them both.
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saturnsea, your husband made a mistake and this is not your fault. THis mistakes makes you suffer. Sorry that this happened to you cos you dont deserve it.
I hope you gather the strength to go through it. Betrayal or not is only a definition. We are not in court, dont use a definition to make judgement and decide what sentence should be given to your husband. Remember in God's term, love is above law. Law is for people who dont understand and cant manage themselves.
Dream does not come true by luck, dream might come true with a lot of effort and faith.
He did not say he is not happy about the family/you. He admits he made a mistake (and many guys dont admit their mistake but blame they dont have a good family)
I hope you can calm down, try to bring out your love, faith and wisdom to overcome your negative emotions, and focus to improve the relationship. You forgive him today, and I believe if one day you make a big mistake you would also hope for him to embrace you with forgiveness. We are all human beings with flaws.
A good + intelligent man would never let go a super loving + wise woman. He would treasure you even more.
Take care of yourself and your family
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Dear All,
Thanks to all for writing your viewpoints which will surely help me to decide what direction I should head to. The only question which haunts me now why he betrayed. If he was feeling lonely there, why he did not tell me, or ask me to come there or write me romantic e-mails the way he wrote to her. Why he insisted her in his e-mails to meet everyday and sounded so demanding to have physical relations with her. Is it normal for a man that when they get chance, they indulge in such affairs. He says he loves his family and he can not leave us, but then question arises, why he put all of us at stake if he really loves us. I think the reason of betrayal is important though it may be disheartening. But at least reason will help to analyse where and what went wrong? Only then I will be able to put the pieces of this puzzle together. What do you guys think? But how to get this information from him if he does not want to discuss.
I am trying my best to cheer-up and engaging myself in differnt activities but some or other thoughts keep cropping in my mind. The exchange of their e-mails keep haunting me because I have seen a very different form of my husband now, which I had no clue at all for 13 years.
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FKKC
16 yrs ago
Ever heard of Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde? A man told me that was how he felt when he was cheating on his wife....he was completely a different person with the other woman but when he returned home, he switched back to his proper role. Scary!!
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sicn
16 yrs ago
Why married men cheat? Because they can. The truth is all human are half civilized and half not. Male biologically wants to have sex with as many as they can. Female wants to keep the best they can keep as long as they can. In a civilized society, the perfect marriage life has been created and celebrated. But the animal side of our nature has been suppressed and condemned. It is fair to say that every married man is a potential infidel.
So Satunsea, please don't feel bad about what you see in him. It is part of every man's nature and you found out he acted it out.
The normal society created a setting to keep people inside their marriage, like family, church, community, neighbors, friends, kids, kids' school, perfect family pictures on the wall, Christmas, thanksgiving...Now he is away from all those restrains. He thought he could give the animal inside a little vacation that he could be anyway he wanted which is completely different than the perfect husband and father.
He never wanted break up the family. That means the civilized side of him is still in control. So don't be scared. In the end, it is just matter of how you look at what happened in the past. Don't let the perfect marriage rose glass blind your eyes of who we really are.
Also 12 years of same night and day of marriage life, though perfect on the surface, it is like eating lobster every meal. So maybe, change your life a little bit, change your look, redecorated your house (change the fengshui), Be more erotic, have some fantasy nights...Be more visible in his social circle in the other city. Or even move to live with him.
Basically let him know you can feed him his animalistic appetite and bring more civilized setting into his life.
Just think that don't let the picture perfect drown you. Breathe some fresh air and get real.
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Men are really polygamous. Betrayal is really the term but man is man
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cd
16 yrs ago
I really find it hard to believe that so many men out there think its ok to cheat, because thats what guys do, and she should just put up with it...
She shouldn't have to put up with it, at the very least she should expect some answers. He has betrayed her, not for a one night stand but for a 5 month affair. The other woman is not the one throwing away the marriage, the husband is by choosing to go down that route.
Satunsea, I think you need to take time to come to terms with this, talk to people, don't keep your feelings bottled up. Talk to your family and friends, it doesn't matter than he doesn't want you to, he's lost any rights at the moment and has to work very hard to get them back. Maybe you can work through it, but he needs to accept that its going to take a long time. It doesn't sound as though he feels sorry for what he's done, it will take a very long time for him to earn any trust back.
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So many professionals here...
Saturnsea if you really want help go to a marriage counselor. Organise to take your husband and yourself. You will need several sessions. I sure the experts in this thread will give you names and numbers.
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Sooooooooo true! I agree with all of the above, 100%!
Do not put up with crap or one day you will be burried in it! That advice about the diamond in the mud thing...*SMH* seriously! Its the kind of advice given by folks that dont have a better option to fall back on! You have a job, you have a brain and you know how you would like to be treated - with respect! People saying "I stay with his because I love him and I care about the vows we made" when they have no job, no family to support them and no intentions of heading out there and figuring out how they can come out on top if they left...they are the ones you do NOT need to be taking advice from. Truth of the matter is, they dont want to admit to themselves why they are still with some chump who cheats...and the reality of admitting it would maybe give them the gods honest courage to somehow going about making their lives better and finding out what their options are...instead for many its simply easier to play the long suffering wife/husband.
And if you ask me the "I dont see it as a betrayal, get over it" story is totally gagworthy! 2 kids and a loving wife and its "nothing"???? Gimme a break! Pshhhh! You know why you feel betrayed and why you feel that hollow sick feeling in the pit of your stomach? Its because it IS true...you DO NOT know this man you thought you knew! And he knows you even less if he thinks you should simply think of this as "nothing" and just "put it behind you".
Truth of the matter though is in what YOU want. What do YOU want from all this. What do YOU want your life to be like? Millions of folks are stuck struggling with lousy marriages, and many have the exact same story as you, so you are not alone in that front...just...where you are unique is in the choice you make on how you go forward from here.
Think long and hard, it may be painful, but think till the pain you feel is just a dull ache. As many have suggested, get some councelling, with or without the ungrateful git, and this will help you put thoughts into words. Therapy wont solve your problems but it will certainly give you the tools with which to go about sorting your life out.
Good luck.
Just remember...those who sit there saying their life sucks are simply doing very little to analyze why they have that whinge in the first place and further more spend way too little time trying to figure out what they can do to make it better. Dont be one of those peeps! Be strong!
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Hoyo has one thing right, the husband is imperfect. If we expand on that thought, maybe wife isnt perfect either, eh? Who knows...yes, we all know, as does the OP and oh hell yeah, so do ALL THE OTHER PEEPS GIVING ADVICE, that the OP is the one who has to make this decision all by her lonesome. I mean, in a world divided into team Aniston or team Jolie, its not rocket science to know that there will be a range of opinions on here...its the virtual cud she will have to chew on while she makes her decision...one opinion isnt any better or worse than the next, we all know that opinions are like a**holes...we all got em and most of em stink...its up to OP to decide what to read and keep and what to read and weep!
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I feel very badly for you but the bottomline is this: forgive him (which includes forgetting) and stay in the marriage. I strongly believe that two people come together and form a union most of the time for purposes they don't understand but they were meant to be together. The scars of ending your relationship never go away and the grass is never greener on the other side. Trust me, I know. You have to be a very big person here and help restore your marriage. If I may ask, why didn't you visit him while he was away? Did you make strong efforts to stay connected (phone calls, letters, small gifts, visits, etc)? This may sound strange but, given that both parties contribute to a situation, what was he not getting in the marriage that caused him to look outside the marriage? He must now re-establish trust by being a living example every day. Thanks and good luck!
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saturnsea, I have read a few posts on this thread. Read your last one, from four days back.
I will say one thing on it -- I can totally understand that you want the answers to all those questions, but unfortunately you just never will get them. I have been in similar situation, and unfortunately, on both ends, and I know it is just difficult to know, let alone understand, why married men cheat. There are men with beautiful families doing that, and men who say they love their wife and don't want to hurt them do that....
Even if you get the answers, very unlikely they will satisfy you.
The truth is, it has happened to you. It won't ever go away. You may forgive him; it is impossible to forget. You may stay with him but you'll never let go of what he did. I do not mean to give a bleak picture, but this is the truth.
Another thing -- don't ever put yourself in that "poor wife" syndrome. Doesn't help. A lot of women here seem to use that phrase and it is rather annoying. I was cheated on too, and was very sad about it, but never once did I think I was this weak "poor wife" whom another woman got to destroy. I fought back.
You're a, I assume, smart, intelligent woman, and you have all the choices as your husband has. Never think you cannot go out there be by yourself. You can, if that is what you choose to do. Live on your own terms! And don't live a life of misery!
Try, and definitely try your best if you love him, but let go when you think staying with him is harming you more than making you happy by constantly suspecting him. Peace of mind is the most important thing in a relationship. And that is what makes one happy. If that is lost, there is nothing left.
Take care, and best of luck!
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tig
16 yrs ago
I agree with Ayumi, a betrayal is a betrayal. no matter what he says it has been done. If he did think about the family, if he loved them as much he wouldnt have slipped and to have been with the gf for about 4-5 months just goes to show his love for the wife and family.
Even if you did get back together with him, he will cheat again.
im really sorry for being so negative, but i have been through a cheating bf who promised he would change. the second time round there were even more and i knew some of them too.
You may want to be together with him for the sake of the children, but kids feel happiness only when it is there.
I got burnt too many times to feel positive about him.
sorry, but i think if he was with her for 4-5 months his love for you or for your family was very limited and wasnt unconditional.
good luck
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fleet
14 yrs ago
I agree with BoBB_ing seek professional advice rather than relying on a forum like this. Unfaithfulness and betrayal in a long term relationship that involves children is a very challenging situation. I hope that you and your husband find a good counselor and work to out... one way or another.
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good advice after 2 years...
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Fleet. What 'professional advice' would that be? Not a counsellor? Really, what do they know that other people don't when it comes to relationships?
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Life moves on? that event is past. 2 years of bringing it daily, now. What ifs and regrets, past, won't bring in decisions nor let goes, whether to forgive or not and lay it rest as a course is chosen, and concentrate on more joyful things rather than painful feelings. It is like a grieving process never allowed to end. too tough. The questions are: what value in hanging on the the memory and the pain? What value in forgiving? what value in not forgiving? What value in laying the event lay to rest?
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What would Sandra Bullock do... personally I admire her for leaving her husband the day she found out about his affairs and going straight to get a divorce... you go girl!1
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