Hello, I'm an American man (42) and in a relationship with a Chinese woman. We've know each other for 11 months and have had a beautiful time and we love each other. Now we both feel our relationship has to go to the next stage. She wants a marriage commitment, and I would like to live together first for a little while. She feels that living toghether without being married is wrong. Is there a way to work it out, any advice?
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thank you, thats good advice. No, she hasn't been married before, and has been living alone her whole life. So yes, you're completely right about her fears of being trapped and losing time. And yes, maybe you're right that I'm not ready to propose yet. At the same time, I want our relationship to continue and grow. However, now its an either or situation. Basically her view is if I'm not ready to get married now then we shouldn't stay together and waste our time.
I love her deeply and don't want to loose her. I feel stuck and pressured and frusterated and really don't know how to go forward.
the suggestion about staying at each others places several nights a week is good, but I have a flat mate, and she is just now in the process of moving into a new flat. She won't let me come over to her new flat unless she feels that I'm ready to marry.
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No idea whether this is available in Shanghai, but pre-marriage counselling is a good thing, if done by an experienced and reputable practitioner.
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thanks all for the good advice. Actually, she does not want a child, so that is not the issue. She just wants a marriage commitment before moving in together, she feels that living together being not married is "illegal" and a waste of time. I understand that she wants to be as sure as possible at her age, but I feel also that 11 months isnt that long, especially when we could basically only see each other on the weekends. Totally confused
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If you cannot arrange pre-marriage counselling, speak to friends you trust, who know you and your intended.
If you do not have friends who know you both, you have to trust your instincts - but use your head as well as your heart.
By the way, in history, plenty of arranged marriages worked - but of course the marriages were arranged by people who knew the couple well.
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