Will a domestic helper flirt my husband???

I have recruited a 27 old viet. maid to take care of my new born baby. My husband was in a business trip for a few months and he is coming back soon. (He haven't seen the maid before). As my husband is coming back soon, I feel not comfortable at all with the maid. It is because when she is taking care of my baby, I can see her bra or even her breast when she kneel down or taking bath for my baby. So, I am afraid that my husband will see it too. The maid love to wear V-shape tight T-shirt, can I ask her not to wear those clothes when working? She knew that my husband is coming soon, and these days, she seems to show more love to my baby, start to wear sexy t-shirts. I am afraid that if I forbidden her to anything, she will feel that I am jealous of her. What can I do??? I trust my husband totally, but if she do some flirting action in front of my husband, what should I do?

well, my two cents on the matter....


the helper is engaged in a contract to give professional service.

so, you may do a professional approach to let her know of your concerns about work dress codes. this, in my opinion, would not strain your employer - employee relation, as long as it is carried out in a polite and sensitive manner.

This gives the helper (staff) a better understanding of her employers.


and as a partner (just like in business) you may also discuss this action with your spouse. it is always better to communicate these concerns.

Thank you for your advice, I feel much better by now. I will work in a professional approach to inform her about her dress code, let's see what happen.

You might want to get you hormone levels checked. Far more likely that the maid is just doing her job and you have projected your insecurities on her. Is this your first child?

This is my second marriage. My ex has a love affair and broke up with me in a sudden way. No chance to save our marriage. My ex just told me that he has came to a certain point that he has no way of return ( I still don't know why?). I spent over three years to cure my wounds and can you imagine how painful I am? It is so good that I had social workers to follow up and helped me in those tough time.


Maybe I can take this chance to tell everyone that if anyone is now a third party in a relationship, please stop!!! You cannot imagine how many people would getting hurt because of this. Not just the wife, their parents, kids (if have)......


I cherish my second marriage and so scare that things would happen again.

Hi Jodyjoy.


Some thoughts from a male perspective.


Remember that your helper may also be feeling insecure about her future. She may worry that you will not need her anymore when your husband gets home. She might also worry that your husband won't like her and she will loose her job.


This may be why she is wearing 'better' clothes, to make a good impression on you, and on your husband when he arrives. If she is from a 'simple' family she may also not be aware of what is appropriate dress.


Another thought is with only women in the house showing the bra is not an issue. Her dress might become much more modest with a man in the house.


As I implied, she might be looking for re-assurance from you. And discussing how you would like her to dress when your husband gets home will show her that she still has a job in the future.

Electrode, I noticed you are just challenging everyone's replies. This is a forum and everyone has the right to share their thoughts and opinions. :P

Blimey Electrode you sound rather aggressive. I don't think my comments were rude but valid, having had a child myself I know how insecure and unsettled new mums can be. Having her hormone levels checked might help to alleviate some of the paranoia that she has about her DH.


I think perhaps you need to take a deep breath and relax.

I think you have to talk about this. If your husband really loves you and contented with you, He'll do nothing with your maid. But sometimes maids are the one who's giving malice to husbands, and that would be a big problem.

you can both talk things together with a counselors(like: http://www.fightforlove.com)so that you'll have a better marriage life.

"I cherish my second marriage and so scare that things would happen again." This pretty much sums it up and as cara mentioned quite rightly it goes into one word. Insecurity.


I think the closer it has got to your husband coming home the more you have began to notice her. So for your piece of mind help her with a few more acceptable clothes. Bear in mind that unless you go for a full sari you are not going to hide that a woman is a woman.


Part of the worry is yourself. You are so scared that that is your focus and to be honest it may be worth getting some help before you start to let it ruin your relationship without actually anything ever happening. Feelings like this can eat and people and they start to niggle and hurt those they love and end up pushing them away.


Get the maid to dress more appropriately and get your own mind in order. If this is going to constantly worry you then you have the wrong maid and should be looking somewhere else.

I believe that marriage is based on trust. If there is no trust between one another, what's the point to be together.


My husband's work is stationed in Europe. He comes back every two to three months. If I don't trust my husband, I would kill myself long time ago.


The point here is as the DH knows my husband is coming soon, her attitude changes. Well, maybe she wants to give a good impression to her male boss, but what kind of good impression???


For sure you guys have heard a lot of DH stories flirting their boss -- for sex and money. I just do my best to prevent anything happen, there are chances that female initiates....


Anyway, base on the above advices, I have brought new T-shirts to her. Let's see what happen!!

its not nice to require a DH to wear uniform, its not yet a commen trend in HK and all DH mind wearing such....


just my two cents: if it wont cost you much, buy her loose, round necked tshirts and ask her to wear them....it will solve your problem and somehow be appreciated with your generousity... this is what my boss did, the first time I came in here.

Electrode

Ref your negation of my post.

Forget reasoning.

If the DH or anyone else is feeling insecure, reasoning is going to be a bit off whack.

I am totally with Vulvic on this! I find it ludicrous that first off, someone hires a maid to be loving to their kid and to do a good job and then gets all paranoid when the maid actually does a good job! Pshhh, if husband is so weakwilled that seeing a brastrap is going to send him into a mad horny frenzy, I would worry about husband first before I sack the maid! Lol. Sounds to me that wife is indeed having a bit of insecurity, something totally normal for a new mummy who is coming to terms with aching boobs and stretchmarks, hey, its all good, just have a bit more faith in yourself Mom! Hubby married you coz he loves you! Ok? Hell, the kidlet is proof that he obviously digs you. So maybe if its such a worry, get the Giordano t-shirt idea going! Its a good idea. Who cares what the maid might think of your insecurity? You shouldnt! Once you feel secure enough, you will see that it was all just a phase, aaaiii? Cheer up. I think making the DH wear a uniform is a bit outdated and just...well, pretty bad really! Lol. I mean, wow, she has to wear a uniform because you feel threatened? Come on! If your husband is going to cheat on you there are umpteen more opportunities out there in the world and most have a standard uniform of very little on! Your maid is the least of your worries if your husband has a wandering eye! Be realistic, dont project your issues onto the maid, hell, she is just glad to have a job! I mean...how many times have you seen someone stoop to pick up a kid and maybe caught a peek down their shirt, I'll tell you, loads of times! If you have an issue with your husband peeking, or you feel uncomfortable at all, tell the maid to wear t shirts and not v necks. Poor girl had a fashion sense before working for you, maybe now she can taper off into more mumsey outfits to suit the occasion, right? Its all solvable.


I mean...there are a lot of things that insecure women consider BEFORE hiring a maid...I mean, they usually pick someone who is a staunch born again christian, or someone with a good matronly thick midsection and lasagna arms, or maybe with a sturdy growth of facial hair! Pshhh! I mean, seems lousy to hire the girl and then just before hubby comes back to sit there questioning the girls motives to work when she hasnt even met hubby in the first place, dont you think? Accused of being more loving with the kid, *SMH* I mean, come on, you see how crazy it all sounds.


I think the question should not be "will my maid flirt with my husband" but more "What kind of husband do I have if I am worried that he will fall for my maid?"

this is a common dillema that we dh's face day to day. our female bosses get jealous. and its true.. im speaking in general terms.. of couse im not saying that att wives get jelo.. simple things like being really good with their kids or bein better at somthing than they are or being friendly and i mean plantonic friendly wiht the husband. its realy difficult for us dh's...


but yes if your really concerned about work attire: get her some round necked shirts. and long trousers and make it look like its a gift. coz its not very good fr your position to let the dh know you jelo.

I agree, wifey is def jello.

"My husband's work is stationed in Europe. He comes back every two to three months. If I don't trust my husband, I would kill myself long time ago."


Well, your own observation could answer your own question. You said you trust him but then expressed your insecurity to your maid. I don't see the point. 2 or 3 months is quite a long time. I'm dead sure there are lots of sexy and young girls in europe who wear V necked shirts, not to mention the other sexy dresses...your hubby would have been very happy looking at them in your absence. Now that he's coming back, you seem so nervous. BTW, I must ask, is your helper young and pretty?

- Plenty of cleavage and sexy views in HK wherever you turn. Can hubby control himself? I will grant that the employer/maid situation has its own appeal to the 16-year old boy inside us ("french maids" anyone?). But my point is that just because we see sexy stuff doesn't mean we lunge for it.

- Some helpers will flirt. But there's flirt and flirt. Some people are natural teases and don't want to go anywhere with it. They just talk and walk that way. If you find that inappropriate, by all means tell the helper.

- Some helpers will sleep with the male employer, but I must assume they are few and far between. Just because she wears somewhat revealing dress doesn't mean she wants to "do it".

- Most people like to dress up and feel good.

- As stated above, communication is key. Tell husband there is cleavage. Speaking as a guy I feel reasonably sure he'll get the message without any more than that.

The inner workings of a mans mind. Assuming that your husband is not a building site labourer, and therefore, the epitome of sexiness for him is not a dirty blond in pants with a hole instead of a crotch, may I add a few comments that may save yourself some sleepless nights but may actually cause some I'm afraid.


The first point I'd make is that you trust your husband to be out of your line of sight for a few months. If he is going to cheat, he will be doing so every night that he is in a different time zone from you because he is safe to do so, and you will never know. The moment you say good night on the phone, and he yawns and says "I'm bushed, I'm off to bed", he could be pulling on his polo shirt and heading out to the bar to pick up, or a knock on the hotel room a minutes later says his date has arrived....and yes he is going to bed! So here's the rub here - If he is trustworthy, then he is a lot less likely to stray in his own patch than when he is away. You trust him, so he will not stray. So forget about it.


Second, may introduce you to the work of Cole Porter;



"In olden days a glimpse of stocking

Was looked on as something shocking,

But now, God knows,

Anything Goes."


Men like looking at girls breasts. A glimpse of bra, top of a thong, or a slight view in between a ladies skirt is a thrill for a guy because as we are hitting puberty, this is about as much action as we are going to get. It's a cheap thrill but usually backed up with the insecure knowledge that that is all you are going to get. A glimpse, and a cheap thrill. This rarely ends up in the man becoming a drooling mess and jumping the girl. So, if your maid does show a bit of leg, or a bit too much cleavage, then don't be too concerned about it. If he is going to cheat on you, he will rarely do it with the maid. He will do it with someone else's maid in Wanchai or on his business trips where his weekends are empty of things to do.


The suggestion of sticking her in a maids uniform is laughable. Here's the big misnomer about ladies in uniforms. Women seem to think that when men like girls in uniforms, it is the trashy attempts they sell in sex shops and the like. Latex nurses outfits, rubber cop assembles with plastic handcuffs and truncheon etc.... well i hate to break it to you girls, but this is the womans idea of what a man finds sexy and completely relies on the concept that men think with the thing between their legs. Wrong. Men love hospitals because the nurses are dressed in real uniforms. Men like the girls in immigration and customs because their cop outfit comes with a gun and the ability to ruin your life. Men like maids dressed in real maids outfits. Its the "I wonder what's underneath"..."She's professional yet I am her boss....let's make her clean something and get a power trip" aspect that gets a man going assuming he is more cerebral than a grease monkey.


So sticking her in a maids uniform could be a disaster waiting to happen, especially if he has EVER, and I mean EVER asked you to dress up for adult fun. If he has, then you will know that he likes the whole uniform / roleplay thing, and therefore you will be putting his fantasy into your house.


Buying a sensible T Shirt selection and work trousers may be the solution.


My suggestions, do what my wife did.

1) Get a really ugly (and i mean that in the nicest possible way) maid who I would not even think about in a dirty way. And I mean ugly. We're talking "face like a roofers kneecap" ugly. Smelly helps as well. Facial hair is a bonus, with a couple of ill placed moles as well. A wart on the nose may be going too far, but achievable if you look hard enough.


2) Buy yourself a maids outfit and not one of the trashy ones, get an actual uniform, and then splash out on some saucy undercrackers from Victoria's Secrets or some place similar, with all the gear on as well and rock his world as soon as he walks through the door.


3) He will at some point see a bit of the maids flesh. So what? If he's not going to cheat, then go with it - it may pay dividends for you later in the evening. Plus, if you catch him looking you can punish him and make fun of him in front of your friends at a dinner party.


4) Relax. If he's going to cheat, he will be doing so already. Don't project blame or your fears onto your maid or husband. If he truly loves you and cherishes his family as I do mine, then you are fine. (Cue the orchestra) You can never stop a man looking at another women - this bit is truly programmed into our brains - and do not even think about claiming that you gals do not check out hot men because we know you do. But love will stop him cheating :)

" Relax. If he's going to cheat, he will be doing so already. Don't project blame or your fears onto your maid or husband. If he truly loves you and cherishes his family as I do mine, then you are fine. (Cue the orchestra) You can never stop a man looking at another women - this bit is truly programmed into our brains - and do not even think about claiming that you gals do not check out hot men because we know you do. But love will stop him cheating :)"


hehe ..true indeed (playing the trumpet)


Anyways, I'll let the OP know my experience.


I'm a helper and been taking care of a lil girl since her birth. Am the one to nurse her all the time. My male boss seldom stayed home since his job requires him to stay to china. At my first months with this family, I noticed that most of the time, my sir used to get the baby from me after she finished the milk. At first, I didnt think of any malice. I thought that he was just missing his baby so much since he used to come home twice a month. But then, there was an incident where I found him looking at my cleaveage when the baby accidentally pulled down my shirt. Well, thought again that that was the normal reaction of anyone including female. Then, another time when I was in the kitchen, he followed me while chatting about his son. He said that he noticed everytime I'm home, his son was so well behaved unlike when his wife was with him during my day offs. He added that his wife is not "a suitable wife to him". Honestly, I was shocked!! Why on earth was he saying that to me?? Since we're both not really fluent in english, I regarded those words as to "his wife not being a capable mother" since our topic was about his son's behaviour in his mother's presence. But then, after that conversation with him, I started to behave myself very formal when he's home. I never wore v-necked blouses (which my female boss gave me) when sir was home. Now, he is even more behave when talking to me. Maybe he thought that I'm different from what he expected.

as a nanny, you can have her wear a uniform / scrub similar to those worn by care givers and medical staff. there are different styles available and it would look more professional and stylish. most of it are V neck (which you mentioned she likes to wear) and some even have cute cartoon designs... and it does not stick out like a regular maid uniform


sample:


http://us.st12.yimg.com/us.st.yimg.com/I/yhst-18174450519262_2015_5096354


http://www.jascouniform.com/ecom/showdetl.cfm?&Product_ID=18872&CATID=100&LogoObjectGroup_ID=1980


http://scribbidyscrubs.com/

pseudolus, excellent, well reasoned post. 'undercrackers' I havent heard that one in a long time, thank you for the smiles.

looks are a subjective matter. what may look good to one maybe ugly to another.



conservative, older? what if the husband might find those qualities attractive?


how about a male nanny?

jodyjoy - regardless of whether or not you're insecure, bottom line is, you're her employer, she is at her place of work and should dress accordingly. You have every right to (politely and professionally) ask her to amend her attire, if you do not think it is appropriate.


Once my part time helper came to work with her waist length hair untied. I had to leave for work in a hurry, so didn't get a chance to speak to her. So I left her a note saying jokingly that we always find my long hair all over the house, so I'd really appreciate it if she would tie her hair back when she came to work. Never had an issue since.

So many issues/point here.

jodyjoy dear,

you are her employer not her owner(so you can't force her to do every thing).

And she is your employee, so i would agree with the first comment ever given and the last one (politely and professionally ask her to amend her attire) in this thread.


As an employer you tell her dress code. But as far as your husband is concern, honestly maids do not have the guts to seduce their employers until and unless employers take interest themselves.


So as long as she dresses alright and your husband does not pay attention to her, it will be fine. and most of all, YOU should dress well (not only while going out but at home too[don't forget the perfume]), and seductive if i may say so, so that your husband's eyes will be stuck on you then any one else.


Cheers :)

i hope that it won't end up like this story in the papers today


http://www.thestandard.com.hk/news_detail.asp?we_cat=4&art_id=71840&sid=20631477&con_type=1&d_str=20080918&fc=7

If you fire her please send me her phone no. I am sure my girlfriend will appreciate some help in the house, and me too :)

if you afraid better change her to some other and better if she muslim

so she will all time cover herself

So no problem with DH :)

If even you ask her wear not sexy and she still think about some ways to get your Husband she can do that even she not wear sexy

If she start wear sexy from now even your husband not here

She think about prepare you to use to see her like this and not pay attention

So that is mean she think about something good :) for herself!

I don't want someone loose job becoz of me!

But is you have something scratching you inside better change that is only way!

Good Luck!

Hi, whether people say you are NOT secure or secure. Just do the things that would make you feel comfortable. Anything can happen. People just dont understand there is a Possibility. A friend who use to be a maid got her male employer to leave the wife for her, a wife of 10 years, a wife who thought she is very secured with her husband and children. Yes, the first advise is good, approach her and see how she feels otherwise sorry she has to leave.

Yes please introduce her to Michael1997.

Jodyjoy, I fired a helper for wearing tight clothes, flirting with my husband and she was even telling my kids how she'd be a better mom than I am, and she was telling me how my husband didn't like me, etc. There was more and she was close to 50 years old with 4 kids, so you never know!!!!!! Personally, I prefer a woman near me who doesn't look overtly sexy. Maids in the Phillipines wear uniforms and some of my friends have their maids wear uniforms. I don't do that because I wouldn't like it if I were the only maid wearing a uniform, but I agree that you can tell the maid that you want her to look professional. You can decide what that is or you can blame it on your husband or say you and your husband BOTH feel maids should wear long loose t-shirts and that tight shirts seem to be more for nights out or just say we'd like or need you to wear these clothes/shirts, etc. and say nothing. You could also take her shopping and say you need an employee to wear something more professional and let her choose a few things you both agree on, which fit, and so on. She might be happy to get some free clothes. Either way, no matter what, you MUST be comfortable in your own home. If she is doing NOTHING wrong, but you are still uncomfortable, then you can tell her anything you want. Tell her you are going to hire your friend's maid who you've known for 10 years,who has kids, who has more experience, etc. or say whatever you feel like saying, but tell her you will give her an excellent reference and the help her move on. Put her name and info on Asiaxpat under the DH section and she will be flooded with calls if you give her an excellent reference. It will cost you only $200 and you can get a new DH and this time, find one who's a little older, more sensibly and modestly dressed and discuss clothing or anything else which might be on your mind, within reason, before you hire her. I just hired a DH around my age because I am more comfortable with an older woman than a very young one. My helper has children, like I do, and I wanted someone with kids because even though she doesn't have a husband, I feel someone with kids will understand my kids and my family more. I understand being insecure, but this woman IS in your home ALL day and NIGHT! I interviewed maids who showed up in high heels, tight jeans and t-shirts and they were definitely NOT here for a job in a clothing store, so I didn't hire them. I want someone in basic clothes who can sweep the floor and not look like she's in the wrong job. You don't want someone who feels she's better than the job. On the other hand, I interviewed 25 year olds who were dressed modestly, had lots of experience and who were attractive enough and whom I could've hired comfortably, but personally, I prefer someone with her own children just because I believe if you've got kids, you interpret their actions a bit more softly and give them more credit than you might otherwise. Good luck. By the way, I just got my new helper a new job. I wasn't happy with her and she didn't like where we live, but now she has a new employer who will be happy with her and I am very happy with my new helper. Sometimes personalities, jobs and other situations just don't mix. Move on. ...Find someone else......You could always tell your husband that you find you need someone who's got her own children, more experience or whatever. Again, just be good to the maid and get her a new job. Good luck.

Sorry I made a typo...I meant I found my previous helpers new jobs, but I said I got my new helper a new job.

hey u sound insecure. Q 1 are u ugly and ur maid is alot more sexy Q2 is ur hubby not getting it and is a horn dog. well why blame the maid when it takes two

get real lady Q3 got any brains?

A bit beside the point, but someone mentioned female boss' jealousy.

It would be interesting to have a thread about DH's jealousy towards their female boss!!

Yes indeed, it does happen, and I bet it is more frequent than is mentioned, regarding the affection that children show their mum. Some DH would like to have it all for themselves, and can even behave in a very competitive way on the matter.

Isn't it true?

Uniform

patpat is right...

focus on keeping your husband satisfied, not keeping other women at bay.